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Jeol: The Resuscitation

Posted May 30, '11 at 10:21pm

jeol

jeol

3,987 posts

And this is just a visual thing, but I find it nice to capitalize the first letter of each line.

I sort of view every verse as a sentence or two. If I don't follow my grammatical lessons, I freak out. Literally.

Okay. Punctuation. Time to follow my grammatical lessons.

Who could I trust
in these moments around?
Problems arise
and ev'ryone's gone.

At the heat of the moment,
in the midst of trouble,
nobody showed themselves
but the problem itself.

Once the sorrow hits,
after the grief is over,
there is no place to go
not even to a friend.

One time someone showed.
I had a glimmer of hope
that he might comfort me,
but he laughed at my troubles.

I want to add a stanza, 'cause the abruptness of the ending bugged me. I guess it is no longer a quatrain.

After the steam lifted,
still no one was 'round.
I was left all alone,
yet peace was restored.

Was that better at all?
 

Posted May 31, '11 at 9:28am

Maverick4

Maverick4

6,891 posts

That was much better. Puntuation helps to direct the reader as to how the poem flows. Very nice job m8.

 

Posted May 31, '11 at 10:21pm

jeol

jeol

3,987 posts

In honor of Maverick, I spent a little more time writing and reading this one through.

Bright White Light - a poem.

Ever o'er the land
did a light so bright
hang high in the sky?

E'er a thing so grand
was so brilliantly light
what it lit up so high?

Down beneath the sand
even the sand glows white,
one could see with his eye.

To the ocean depths and
the fish's eye, light
filters through the brine.

E'er the light will extend
its aurora bright
to present to all of life.

Trying my hand at rhyming again, also tried a tip from Fallen. Hope it worked.

 

Posted Jun 1, '11 at 9:45pm

Patrick2011

Patrick2011

11,685 posts

Knight

I think this thread used to be called Jeol's Meanderings, so why was it renamed?

Aside from that, I like the rhyming of the poem with the rhyme scheme as follows (from what I think it is):

abcabcabcabcdbe

 

Posted Jun 2, '11 at 12:26pm

jeol

jeol

3,987 posts

I think this thread used to be called Jeol's Meanderings, so why was it renamed?

Just for fun. I think Tacky's was renamed... I don't know how many times. four?
abcabcabcabcdbe

So pretty much almost what I did, but different at the end.
 

Posted Jun 3, '11 at 11:03am

jeol

jeol

3,987 posts

Wind - a haiku - HL
Wind is e'er blowing
Trees and plants bow in its wake
'till it leaves again

I'm still thinking about the story. I will write it when I feel like. That means you're supposed to tell me to write 'cause then I'll feel more moved to write

 

Posted Jun 11, '11 at 8:40am

jeol

jeol

3,987 posts

Sigh... Wow. Okay then.

Since it's been a while and I don't have any decent content yet, I'll just post a minichapter.

--

Summer was gone. It had been three months and I spent the time fervently working on a big C++ project, ignoring all else. I'd almost finished it, though, but today was the first day of school and wouldn't have any time to work on it at all. Sigh. At least Frisbee started today.

I rolled over and looked at my messy bedroom. The manners and habits my mom so desparately tried to teach me were long since forgotten, and now a nasty odor arose midst the mix of clean and dirty clothes. Ugh... I really need to clean my room. I picked myself up and stomped across the dirty floor to prepare myself for the first day of my sophomore year.

 

Posted Jun 11, '11 at 2:27pm

MoonFairy

MoonFairy

3,423 posts

*checks in*
Hiya Jeol. Gimmie a page number to start off on, and I'll have the critiquing done sometime sooner or later. Probably sooner given my recent bored state.
*checks out*

 

Posted Jun 11, '11 at 4:41pm

jeol

jeol

3,987 posts

Feel free to check it all out. I don't know what you have done and haven't. Page 8 has a bunch of poetry. Iduno. Go with what you find. :P

 

Posted Jun 11, '11 at 4:46pm

jeol

jeol

3,987 posts

It's been a while since I've actually written anything - Probably a week or two (even the minichapter I wrote a while back). I guess I'm not living up to the thread name :/ I shall try to redeem myself!

Apologies - a haiku

I apologize
for this sad inconvenience
I will write some more.

 
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