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Jeol: The Resuscitation

Posted Jun 11, '11 at 5:06pm

MoonFairy

MoonFairy

3,230 posts

Aw come on. Upload a chapter thing. Cmon.

ANd seriously, don't tell me to do whatever, give me a page number to start on. Consider this pressure.

 

Posted Jun 11, '11 at 5:08pm

jeol

jeol

3,565 posts

ANd seriously, don't tell me to do whatever, give me a page number to start on. Consider this pressure.

I thought I did. Page 8, if you don't mind. :P

As for the next chapter, I will try to get one by tomorrow morning.

 

Posted Jun 11, '11 at 6:03pm

MoonFairy

MoonFairy

3,230 posts

This Silver Lake....
This was off. It could've so easily rhymed, but you didn't. D:
You use moon, waaaaaay too much, and my name is Moon, so... that's saying something. Try to describe it instead of saying moon all the time.

In the Swan, again, you use the word of the title too much. Swanswanswanswanswan it takes off from the poetic stance.

The war, I'm not really sure... maybe if you explained it?

Contendedness, it had a flow going, then when you got to the second N, it fell apart a bit. Work on the meter, but I understand because you have to think outside the box, it is an acrostic.

Well, you won the contest, I don't see how I can give much critique for it.

 

Posted Jun 11, '11 at 6:08pm

jeol

jeol

3,565 posts

Flight - a poem, FLP, inspired by Endscape.

To the stars you may go -
to infinity and beyond -
to thrive as you know,
and to live as you fear.

All of us are alike,
seeing to respond,
whether we dislike,
whether we're in tears.

Forever we may live,
and ever do we bond,
though we may outlive, [ourselves]
We shall evermore adhere.

Contendedness, it had a flow going, then when you got to the second N, it fell apart a bit. Work on the meter, but I understand because you have to think outside the box, it is an acrostic.

Keep in mind, that was my first acrostic, and I have no idea what a meter is :P

Well, you won the contest, I don't see how I can give much critique for it.

Yay, I won a contest! Which one?

This Silver Lake....
This was off. It could've so easily rhymed, but you didn't. D:

Sorry... I was trying to avoid rhyming at that point. I stink at it. :/

In the Swan, again, you use the word of the title too much. Swanswanswanswanswan it takes off from the poetic stance.

Yeah, that could easily be avoided... I just need to reread my poems. :/

The war, I'm not really sure... maybe if you explained it?

Basically it is about heat and cold, but from a war perspective (instead of a science persp.?). I honestly don't know how to explain it.

 

Posted Jun 11, '11 at 6:28pm

MoonFairy

MoonFairy

3,230 posts

The light one on page 9, (I'm critiquing the whole page) You said you were waiting for the light, yet basking in the dark. Normally when you bask in something, you are enjoying it. other than that, it was nice.

Your story, I'll be keeping an eye on it. It is interesting.

You don't HAVE to rhyme you know, but rhyme is used to catch the eye of a reader, and when you don't have that, you use something else, which is the ability to capture an image and relay it to the people. Make sure that image is IN the poem when you write it, and if it is, then the image will be crystal clear to the reader.

 

Posted Jun 12, '11 at 9:50am

jeol

jeol

3,565 posts

Okay. Next part in. I think the previous entry combined with this one is a chapter. I would've kept going but where I stopped seemed... Right. So. I will continue this later.

Summer was gone. It had been three months and I spent the time fervently working on a big C++ project, ignoring all else. I'd almost finished it, though, but today was the first day of school and wouldn't have any time to work on it at all. Sigh. At least Frisbee started today.

I rolled over and looked at my messy bedroom. The manners and habits my mom so desparately tried to teach me were long since forgotten, and now a nasty odor arose midst the mix of clean and dirty clothes. Ugh... I really need to clean my room. I picked myself up and stomped across the dirty floor to prepare myself for the first day of my sophomore year.

It was my last class of the day. The energy of all the highschool students was dieing off, as student began to realize that their procrastination skills were about to be tested. The teacker introduced herself - she was a new one to the highschool. As she went on talking about herself and the class to come, Economics, sunlight filtered throught the windows, lighting the nearby faces of my classmates and myself. I sighed. Another hour 'till frisbee, I thought.

After what seemed like an eternity, time resumed once again and the bell rang. Finally. Leaving the class, I dropped my stuff off at my locker and headed for the fields. Today, there were doing some kind of 'Get to know your Team' sort of thing so I sifted through the crowd in serach of the Frisbee Folk. Noticing someone holding a frisbee, I strolled over to where he was standing. While I was approaching him, he turned around, and I heard the one voice I had tried so hard to avoid that day. "Hello, Phil." Oh no. Not Julius.

 

Posted Jun 12, '11 at 12:40pm

MoonFairy

MoonFairy

3,230 posts

Julius?
This is... a tame suspense, if that makes sense. Since it is in the real world, and sounds about accurate enough to your life, it lacks the oomph in the suspense, because there isn't really a huge threat, or enough... development in the story. But I'll be watching. *walks out with creepy stalker laugh*
Oh wait, I'm allowed to keep an eye on it, I'm the secretary 8D

 

Posted Jun 12, '11 at 1:28pm

jeol

jeol

3,565 posts

Gotta Pan - a haiku - HC.

Settlers rush West,
Panning willingly for gold
Hoping to strike rich.

 

Posted Jun 12, '11 at 5:36pm

jeol

jeol

3,565 posts

Next chapter is in! Yeah, I'm tired.

Chapter 3!

"Hello, Phil," Julius greeted with a smirk. What was he doing here? He was a defensive linebacker in football. Was he really willing to give up football so he could annoy me more?

I honestly never really felt like all Julius wanted to do has just bug me. I felt like he had something far deeper, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Whatever it was, I was sure I wouldn't like it. "What're you doing here?"

"The coach asked if I could help with the frisbee team, and I accepted," he replied with a glint in his eye. Great, I thought. So not only is Julius on the team, but we have no coach. I sighed.

Julius turned to face a few other people, likely on the team also. "Next practice is at seven tomorrow evening," and he left. Great. This was going to go well.

--

When I got home, I dropped my stuff by the stairs and trudged into the kitchen. Grabbing an apple from the bowl, I began to munch on it when my mom walked into the kitchen. "Hey. How was school?"

"Mediocre, as usual."

"Do you have much homework to do?"

"A little."

"Meet any new friends?"

"No, just met old ones," I said in a sarcastic tone.

"You didn't see Julius again, did you?"

"Sadly. He's heading the Frisbee team."

"Oh." She sighed. "Well, don't eat too much. Supper is in an hour."

"What are we eating?"

"Meatloaf."

I sighed. "Sounds good." With that, I leapt up the stairs and went into my room. Ugh. I really needed to clean my room. With a deep breath, I emerged myself into the piles of clothes and other junk that infested my room. I divided the piles of stuff into four piles: clean clothes, dirty clothes, junk, and stuff I needed. Eventually, the two piles of clothes emerged into one when I couldn't tell the differrences between the clean and the dirty. They all smelled just as bad. Holding my nose, I picked up as many of the clothes as I could and threw them into my laundry basket and picked up the clothes I left. Under a stray shirt, I found a piece of electronics. Oh no. It was my harddrive that had the C++ project on it. It was smashed to its end, most likely from the many times I trudged on it during the week I neglected it to practice Frisbee with my sister. All the hard work I put into it during the summer became nothing. I sighed and threw it into the overflowing trashcan. Then, hearing the call for supper, I went downstairs to eat one of my favorite meals. Plopping down at the dinner table, I sighed. At least it can't get much worse. How could I be wrong?

 

Posted Jun 12, '11 at 5:49pm

jeol

jeol

3,565 posts

Man. I just realized how unclear it is.

"The coach asked if I could help with the frisbee team, and I accepted," he replied with a glint in his eye. Great, I thought. So not only is Julius on the team, but we have no coach. I sighed.

That is, the football coach requested Julius captain the Frisbee team.

There's prolly more, I'm just really tired. :/

 
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