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Jeol: The Resuscitation

Posted May 27, '11 at 11:22am

Alexistigerspice

Alexistigerspice

649 posts

was 'Mandering' supposed to be 'Meandering'? I think your poetry is deep, just lacking in structure and some of your ideas and metaphors dont flow or make sense.  I like the creativity though, and how you seem to latch onto ideas that will hook the reader and make them think.  I found your first poem to be a little silly at first, but that was only because of the odd idea it was created from.  It contains tragedy, so it kept me interested.  Do you spend a lot of time revising your work?

 

Posted May 27, '11 at 8:12pm

jeol

jeol

3,565 posts

Do you spend a lot of time revising your work?

No, I pretty much write it into the computer, maybe look it over once or twice.

was 'Mandering' supposed to be 'Meandering'?

I was about to change it anyways. :D

I think your poetry is deep, just lacking in structure and some of your ideas and metaphors dont flow or make sense.

I never really was taught anything about structure, though I know a little about the flow of a poem.

I like the creativity though, and how you seem to latch onto ideas that will hook the reader and make them think.  I found your first poem to be a little silly at first, but that was only because of the odd idea it was created from.  It contains tragedy, so it kept me interested.

Thanks!

 

Posted May 28, '11 at 8:07am

jeol

jeol

3,565 posts

I'm going to try to write a short story... Should be interesting. :P Any suggestions?

 

Posted May 29, '11 at 8:02pm

jeol

jeol

3,565 posts

I totally had a tune when writing this poem...

The Light that Disappeared - a poem - FLP, Tacky inspired.

Waiting for the light
basking in darkness
hope for the dawn
but still in the moonlight
anticipation for
what is not there yet
maybe someday, though,
the light will shine through.

Just so you know, I wrote the first part of a short story that I have no idea where I'm going with, so I'll try to post it soon.

Also, FYI, I appreciate feedback :D

 

Posted May 29, '11 at 8:18pm

shailajaisrani

shailajaisrani

143 posts

the poem ^^^^ is really good. i like it and idk, it has some..idk. lol i lost it. but i really like it. nice job!

 

Posted May 29, '11 at 8:39pm

jeol

jeol

3,565 posts

Part One of Which Story Has No Name

    A loud noise interrupted my late morning nap. My eye slowly opened to reveal my messy bedroom, clothes and books sprawled all over the floor. I looked up at the clock. Its bright red LED display blared 11:57. I yawned, got up, tripped over a bunch of clothes, and opened the off-white door. My mom peered at me through the door frame.  She had never disrupted my late-morning maps. If she had to talk to me, she would have done so when I first got up at 7 to do random errands before my nap, or she would have waited until after I got up, around lunchtime. A piece of paper was in her hand. Oh no. It was probably school related.
    School was starting again in another week, six days to be exact. Somewhere else, there were probably a few people who might look forward to school activities and classes, bur not in my district. The school had very strict rules that were quite unnecessary and even stupid, and they kept highschool from being fun like it should be, even for the social ones, unlike me, who was a nerd and somewhat unsocial at times. I was a little freaked out that school was already here. The teachers weren't that great, and the curriculum stunk too. No, I thought. Anything but having to face Julius again. Julius was more of an unmatched rival than a bully; I was the only one who he bugged constantly. My thin, weak frame was no match for the buff Julius. Which, leading me back to the situation, probably meant that my mom wanted to put me in an organized school sport.
    she handed me the sheet; emblazoned on the top were the words, "School Sports" followed by the year and a list of sports they were supporting this year. Crap. I was right. There is only one sport that I liked, but it hadn't been in the school program for... Oh wait. It was never in the school program. Many people looked down on the sport because it was a 'Kid's sport,' as one of the many people who awkwardly share the same opinions said. Because of that, pretty much nobody would play it, 'cause of either peer pressure or bully pressure. Since the chances of the sport actually being on the list were slim, I sighed and quickly ran down the list of sports. At the top were the regular common sports, like football, basketball, soccer, and baseball. They must of had a budget increase for sports, 'cause the list went on for what seemed pages. None of what I saw on the list interested me. As I read, my mom burst into a long dialogue of why I should do a sport. Yeah, mom. I get it. As I continued to glance at the list, the print almost seemed to get smaller and smaller every sport listed. But then, when I got to the bottom, sighing because what I saw I didn't particularly like, in what seemed like smaller-than-fine print, the words appeared.

Ult. Fris.

    My heart beat faster. What? It was actually on the list? And there it was, abbreviated and everything they could, so it seemed, to discourage the sport. But, nevertheless, it was there. "Mom, I found a sport I like,"
    "What?" She seemed surprised. She took the paper from my hand and squinted through her reading glasses at the page. "What's Ultfris?"
    "That's Ultimate Frisbee, Mom."
    "Oh... Don't you want to start with something... I don't know... Lighter?"
    "You were wanting to put me on the FOOTBALL team,"
    "Yeah, so? Even if they had an Ultimate Football team, I wouldn't put you on it. Do they have regular Frisbee?"
    I honestly couldn't tell if my mom was joking or not. She was keeping an awfully straight face. I almost burst out describing in detail what Ultimate Frisbee was, but realized that 98% of what I have ever said, even as a kid, has whizzed right past her ears. Noticing that it was close to lunchtime, I squeezed past my mom to head downstairs.

 

Posted May 29, '11 at 10:08pm

jeol

jeol

3,565 posts

I'm rather bored right now. I'm trying something new: paragraph stories. We'll see how this goes.

Boredom - a paragraph story

Sweat gathered on his brow. The heat was bothering him. Being summer and not having a busy schedule, the repetition of doing nothing was getting boring. Patiently waiting for a reply from his friend, he noticed a little '1' in the window where his email was. Sighing, he opened the window. It was just another piece of junk mail.

 

Posted May 30, '11 at 9:23am

jeol

jeol

3,565 posts

the poem ^^^^ is really good. i like it and idk, it has some..idk. lol i lost it. but i really like it. nice job!

Oh, thanks!

I might try to write the next part while I'm gone. So. We'll see. :P

 

Posted May 30, '11 at 9:38pm

jeol

jeol

3,565 posts

Friendless, Helpless - a quatrain - FLP, sodangobsessed

Who could I trust
in these moments around
problems arise
and ev'ryone's gone.

At the heat of the moment
in the midst of trouble
nobody showed
but the problem itself.

Once the sorrow hits
after grief is over
there is nowhere left to run
not even a friend.

One time someone showed
I had a glimmer of hope
that he might comfort me
but he laughed at my troubles.

I feel like I don't know anything about how to write poems... I gave up trying to rhyme 'cause it seems forced, and I don't really know anything about structure or the flow of poems. Sigh. I'd be happy to learn :D Maybe through critiquing? I hate people not telling me what was wrong with my poem. maybe I'm so horrible they don't want to tell D:

I totally skipped writing the second part and instead listened to Anathallo the whole trip. I did think a little more about what was going to happen though.

 

Posted May 30, '11 at 9:52pm

Maverick4

Maverick4

3,707 posts

I gave up trying to rhyme 'cause it seems forced,

I was in your shoes a year ago. Just start out writing poems that describe. What are dreams? What is death? What happens on the moor? Those are all good topics to start out with, and simply write a few lines of your thoughts.

Once you figure out how to bet put your thoughts to paper, you can then screw around with rhymes. And just between you and me, I don't like rhyming too much to begin with, so I just don't do it. Remember, ***POETRY DOES NOT HAVE TO RHYME***.

I don't really know anything about structure or the flow of poems

Honestly, neither do I. Iambic Pentameter? Polydectic Quatrains? Terytratolytes? They sound like diseases. (Ok, so I made the lasts one up, who cares?) What matters is that you know how to write, and you've shown that you know how to do this.

Your works are interesting, and they don't drag. So you know how convey your message in an interesting form. There are many types of poetry, and most of them don't have any set form. And all 'meter' and 'structure' is are patterns. When you say your poem outloud, and you notice that theres a 'beat' to it, you've just made meter.

I'd be happy to learn :D

I never learned, and look how I turned out! I'm awesome! *twitches*

And now that I've finished that, how about some real critiqueing? :D

Who could I trust
in these moments around
problems arise
and ev'ryone's gone.

This is spoken quite well and the pairings of 'moments around' is quite nice. Just add some punctuation to show where to pause at the end of the line, and its fine.

At the heat of the moment
in the midst of trouble
nobody showed
but the problem itself.

This one is a little awkward to say as you've given no indication of the flow. You can rectify this by adding some puntuation at the end of thoughts, or to break up the rush.

Once the sorrow hits
after grief is over
there is nowhere left to run
not even a friend.

When spoken, the third line is a bit of a jumble. Compared to the other lines in the stanza, it has too many sylabuls. And the syntax is also confusing. 'Theres is nowhere left to fun/not even a friend'. Non Sequitor; could you somehow re-write this to flesh this out better? It seems as if you have two unfinished thoughts sitting here. Both could have worked, but combined, eh...

One time someone showed
I had a glimmer of hope
that he might comfort me
but he laughed at my troubles.

You need to add some puntuation here. Its a good stanza, but it takes a few reads to understand what you're trying to say. Add some commas, semi-colons, or question marks at the end of your lines in any poem will help to direct the reader in his train of thought.

And this is just a visual thing, but I find it nice to capitalize the first letter of each line.

 
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