ForumsArt, Music, and WritingJeol: The Resuscitation

209 40242
jeol
offline
jeol
3,842 posts
6,080

I need no introduction. Oh, wait, I guess that's a little late. As you may have guessed, this is the infamous Jeol's thread.

So this morning, I was on my way to the co-op I take classes at thinking about my speech, when out of the blue comes a story. About a land named Rhyme. So, in the class I made my speech in after my speech, I started to work on one of my first poems that wasn't inspired by the 'First Line Poetry' thread, a quatrain.

Rhymes of Rhyme - a quatrain.
Once upon a time,
in the land of Rhyme,
rhyming was so prime,
it sparked such a fine time.

There was a man named Pine
in the land of Rhyme
who rhymed so prime,
it made ev'rybody cry.

When the man died,
it made the country dry
for the prime of their rhymes,
and the rhymes lost their shine.

In times since then,
in the land of Rhyme,
rhyming was so bland,
no one ever rhymed again.

Yes, the non-rhyming of the last stanza was intentional. Yes.

I will post other creations and whatnot in the future.

  • 209 Replies
jeol
offline
jeol
3,842 posts
6,080

The Swan - a quatrain - FLP, first line to Tacky.

How graceful is the swan
a delicate creature
wings of diamond
spreading wide.

A swans flight is graceful
its landing more-so
its feet lightly glance the water
as its powerful wings bring it to a halt.

No creatures matches
the awesomeness of swans
whether they be gliding on the water
or in majestic flight.

Surely no creature can match the swan
a creature of delicacy, graceful
no matter where they be
even when they are flying in your face.

Extreme sarcasm at the end. Dunno where that came from. :P

jeol
offline
jeol
3,842 posts
6,080

The War - a poem - inspired by 10DPC.

Cold and warm
contradictions
filling the air

Fire and heat
envelopes all in its path
embraces the cool objects
a parasite

Ice and cold
freezes all within its reach
hardens all who venture near
a time capsule

It's a battle
ice versus fire
though fire melts ice
fire will dwindle one day
and in the end,
the cold will overcome.

jeol
offline
jeol
3,842 posts
6,080

My first acrostic poem! Fun, fun.

Contentedness - acrostic poem - APC

Contentedness is a goal of mine
Over everything else in life,
Not worldly riches or gold.
Ten years from now I want to be
Every bit as happy I can be,
Not to be a greedy billionaire.
They say, "money can buy pleasure,"
Even though money is a parasite.
Deaf, blind, and stupid,
Not contented or delighted
Ever can money make you.
Saturated and enraptured, and
Self-contented, how much I want to be!

jeol
offline
jeol
3,842 posts
6,080

My re-submition for the APC.

Happiness comes with time
After all is said and done.
Profusive in emotion;
Proficient in its will.
Inside all truthfulness,
Never has money gained the upper hand.
Ever has jubulance thrived,
So that we may indulge,
Sep'rate from all pain and sorrow.

Alexistigerspice
offline
Alexistigerspice
1,498 posts
1,165

was 'Mandering' supposed to be 'Meandering'? I think your poetry is deep, just lacking in structure and some of your ideas and metaphors dont flow or make sense. I like the creativity though, and how you seem to latch onto ideas that will hook the reader and make them think. I found your first poem to be a little silly at first, but that was only because of the odd idea it was created from. It contains tragedy, so it kept me interested. Do you spend a lot of time revising your work?

jeol
offline
jeol
3,842 posts
6,080

Do you spend a lot of time revising your work?

No, I pretty much write it into the computer, maybe look it over once or twice.
was 'Mandering' supposed to be 'Meandering'?

I was about to change it anyways.
I think your poetry is deep, just lacking in structure and some of your ideas and metaphors dont flow or make sense.

I never really was taught anything about structure, though I know a little about the flow of a poem.
I like the creativity though, and how you seem to latch onto ideas that will hook the reader and make them think. I found your first poem to be a little silly at first, but that was only because of the odd idea it was created from. It contains tragedy, so it kept me interested.

Thanks!
jeol
offline
jeol
3,842 posts
6,080

I'm going to try to write a short story... Should be interesting. :P Any suggestions?

jeol
offline
jeol
3,842 posts
6,080

I totally had a tune when writing this poem...

The Light that Disappeared - a poem - FLP, Tacky inspired.

Waiting for the light
basking in darkness
hope for the dawn
but still in the moonlight
anticipation for
what is not there yet
maybe someday, though,
the light will shine through.

Just so you know, I wrote the first part of a short story that I have no idea where I'm going with, so I'll try to post it soon.

Also, FYI, I appreciate feedback

shailajaisrani
offline
shailajaisrani
276 posts
0

the poem ^^^^ is really good. i like it and idk, it has some..idk. lol i lost it. but i really like it. nice job!

jeol
offline
jeol
3,842 posts
6,080

Part One of Which Story Has No Name

A loud noise interrupted my late morning nap. My eye slowly opened to reveal my messy bedroom, clothes and books sprawled all over the floor. I looked up at the clock. Its bright red LED display blared 11:57. I yawned, got up, tripped over a bunch of clothes, and opened the off-white door. My mom peered at me through the door frame. She had never disrupted my late-morning maps. If she had to talk to me, she would have done so when I first got up at 7 to do random errands before my nap, or she would have waited until after I got up, around lunchtime. A piece of paper was in her hand. Oh no. It was probably school related.
School was starting again in another week, six days to be exact. Somewhere else, there were probably a few people who might look forward to school activities and classes, bur not in my district. The school had very strict rules that were quite unnecessary and even stupid, and they kept highschool from being fun like it should be, even for the social ones, unlike me, who was a nerd and somewhat unsocial at times. I was a little freaked out that school was already here. The teachers weren't that great, and the curriculum stunk too. No, I thought. Anything but having to face Julius again. Julius was more of an unmatched rival than a bully; I was the only one who he bugged constantly. My thin, weak frame was no match for the buff Julius. Which, leading me back to the situation, probably meant that my mom wanted to put me in an organized school sport.
she handed me the sheet; emblazoned on the top were the words, "School Sports" followed by the year and a list of sports they were supporting this year. Crap. I was right. There is only one sport that I liked, but it hadn't been in the school program for... Oh wait. It was never in the school program. Many people looked down on the sport because it was a 'Kid's sport,' as one of the many people who awkwardly share the same opinions said. Because of that, pretty much nobody would play it, 'cause of either peer pressure or bully pressure. Since the chances of the sport actually being on the list were slim, I sighed and quickly ran down the list of sports. At the top were the regular common sports, like football, basketball, soccer, and baseball. They must of had a budget increase for sports, 'cause the list went on for what seemed pages. None of what I saw on the list interested me. As I read, my mom burst into a long dialogue of why I should do a sport. Yeah, mom. I get it. As I continued to glance at the list, the print almost seemed to get smaller and smaller every sport listed. But then, when I got to the bottom, sighing because what I saw I didn't particularly like, in what seemed like smaller-than-fine print, the words appeared.

Ult. Fris.

My heart beat faster. What? It was actually on the list? And there it was, abbreviated and everything they could, so it seemed, to discourage the sport. But, nevertheless, it was there. "Mom, I found a sport I like,"
"What?" She seemed surprised. She took the paper from my hand and squinted through her reading glasses at the page. "What's Ultfris?"
"That's Ultimate Frisbee, Mom."
"Oh... Don't you want to start with something... I don't know... Lighter?"
"You were wanting to put me on the FOOTBALL team,"
"Yeah, so? Even if they had an Ultimate Football team, I wouldn't put you on it. Do they have regular Frisbee?"
I honestly couldn't tell if my mom was joking or not. She was keeping an awfully straight face. I almost burst out describing in detail what Ultimate Frisbee was, but realized that 98% of what I have ever said, even as a kid, has whizzed right past her ears. Noticing that it was close to lunchtime, I squeezed past my mom to head downstairs.
jeol
offline
jeol
3,842 posts
6,080

I'm rather bored right now. I'm trying something new: paragraph stories. We'll see how this goes.

Boredom - a paragraph story

Sweat gathered on his brow. The heat was bothering him. Being summer and not having a busy schedule, the repetition of doing nothing was getting boring. Patiently waiting for a reply from his friend, he noticed a little '1' in the window where his email was. Sighing, he opened the window. It was just another piece of junk mail.

jeol
offline
jeol
3,842 posts
6,080

the poem ^^^^ is really good. i like it and idk, it has some..idk. lol i lost it. but i really like it. nice job!

Oh, thanks!

I might try to write the next part while I'm gone. So. We'll see. :P
jeol
offline
jeol
3,842 posts
6,080

Friendless, Helpless - a quatrain - FLP, sodangobsessed

Who could I trust
in these moments around
problems arise
and ev'ryone's gone.

At the heat of the moment
in the midst of trouble
nobody showed
but the problem itself.

Once the sorrow hits
after grief is over
there is nowhere left to run
not even a friend.

One time someone showed
I had a glimmer of hope
that he might comfort me
but he laughed at my troubles.

I feel like I don't know anything about how to write poems... I gave up trying to rhyme 'cause it seems forced, and I don't really know anything about structure or the flow of poems. Sigh. I'd be happy to learn Maybe through critiquing? I hate people not telling me what was wrong with my poem. maybe I'm so horrible they don't want to tell D:

I totally skipped writing the second part and instead listened to Anathallo the whole trip. I did think a little more about what was going to happen though.

Maverick4
offline
Maverick4
6,815 posts
1,030

I gave up trying to rhyme 'cause it seems forced,


I was in your shoes a year ago. Just start out writing poems that describe. What are dreams? What is death? What happens on the moor? Those are all good topics to start out with, and simply write a few lines of your thoughts.

Once you figure out how to bet put your thoughts to paper, you can then screw around with rhymes. And just between you and me, I don't like rhyming too much to begin with, so I just don't do it. Remember, ***POETRY DOES NOT HAVE TO RHYME***.

I don't really know anything about structure or the flow of poems


Honestly, neither do I. Iambic Pentameter? Polydectic Quatrains? Terytratolytes? They sound like diseases. (Ok, so I made the lasts one up, who cares?) What matters is that you know how to write, and you've shown that you know how to do this.

Your works are interesting, and they don't drag. So you know how convey your message in an interesting form. There are many types of poetry, and most of them don't have any set form. And all 'meter' and 'structure' is are patterns. When you say your poem outloud, and you notice that theres a 'beat' to it, you've just made meter.

I'd be happy to learn


I never learned, and look how I turned out! I'm awesome! *twitches*

And now that I've finished that, how about some real critiqueing?

Who could I trust
in these moments around
problems arise
and ev'ryone's gone.


This is spoken quite well and the pairings of 'moments around' is quite nice. Just add some punctuation to show where to pause at the end of the line, and its fine.

At the heat of the moment
in the midst of trouble
nobody showed
but the problem itself.


This one is a little awkward to say as you've given no indication of the flow. You can rectify this by adding some puntuation at the end of thoughts, or to break up the rush.

Once the sorrow hits
after grief is over
there is nowhere left to run
not even a friend.


When spoken, the third line is a bit of a jumble. Compared to the other lines in the stanza, it has too many sylabuls. And the syntax is also confusing. 'Theres is nowhere left to fun/not even a friend'. Non Sequitor; could you somehow re-write this to flesh this out better? It seems as if you have two unfinished thoughts sitting here. Both could have worked, but combined, eh...

One time someone showed
I had a glimmer of hope
that he might comfort me
but he laughed at my troubles.


You need to add some puntuation here. Its a good stanza, but it takes a few reads to understand what you're trying to say. Add some commas, semi-colons, or question marks at the end of your lines in any poem will help to direct the reader in his train of thought.

And this is just a visual thing, but I find it nice to capitalize the first letter of each line.
jeol
offline
jeol
3,842 posts
6,080

And this is just a visual thing, but I find it nice to capitalize the first letter of each line.

I sort of view every verse as a sentence or two. If I don't follow my grammatical lessons, I freak out. Literally.

Okay. Punctuation. Time to follow my grammatical lessons.

Who could I trust
in these moments around?
Problems arise
and ev'ryone's gone.

At the heat of the moment,
in the midst of trouble,
nobody showed themselves
but the problem itself.

Once the sorrow hits,
after the grief is over,
there is no place to go
not even to a friend.

One time someone showed.
I had a glimmer of hope
that he might comfort me,
but he laughed at my troubles.

I want to add a stanza, 'cause the abruptness of the ending bugged me. I guess it is no longer a quatrain.

After the steam lifted,
still no one was 'round.
I was left all alone,
yet peace was restored.

Was that better at all?
Showing 76-90 of 209