ForumsArt, Music, and WritingJeol: The Resuscitation

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jeol
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jeol
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I need no introduction. Oh, wait, I guess that's a little late. As you may have guessed, this is the infamous Jeol's thread.

So this morning, I was on my way to the co-op I take classes at thinking about my speech, when out of the blue comes a story. About a land named Rhyme. So, in the class I made my speech in after my speech, I started to work on one of my first poems that wasn't inspired by the 'First Line Poetry' thread, a quatrain.

Rhymes of Rhyme - a quatrain.
Once upon a time,
in the land of Rhyme,
rhyming was so prime,
it sparked such a fine time.

There was a man named Pine
in the land of Rhyme
who rhymed so prime,
it made ev'rybody cry.

When the man died,
it made the country dry
for the prime of their rhymes,
and the rhymes lost their shine.

In times since then,
in the land of Rhyme,
rhyming was so bland,
no one ever rhymed again.

Yes, the non-rhyming of the last stanza was intentional. Yes.

I will post other creations and whatnot in the future.

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Maverick4
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That was much better. Puntuation helps to direct the reader as to how the poem flows. Very nice job m8.

jeol
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In honor of Maverick, I spent a little more time writing and reading this one through.

Bright White Light - a poem.

Ever o'er the land
did a light so bright
hang high in the sky?

E'er a thing so grand
was so brilliantly light
what it lit up so high?

Down beneath the sand
even the sand glows white,
one could see with his eye.

To the ocean depths and
the fish's eye, light
filters through the brine.

E'er the light will extend
its aurora bright
to present to all of life.

Trying my hand at rhyming again, also tried a tip from Fallen. Hope it worked.

Patrick2011
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I think this thread used to be called Jeol's Meanderings, so why was it renamed?

Aside from that, I like the rhyming of the poem with the rhyme scheme as follows (from what I think it is):

abcabcabcabcdbe

jeol
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I think this thread used to be called Jeol's Meanderings, so why was it renamed?

Just for fun. I think Tacky's was renamed... I don't know how many times. four?
abcabcabcabcdbe

So pretty much almost what I did, but different at the end.
jeol
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Wind - a haiku - HL
Wind is e'er blowing
Trees and plants bow in its wake
'till it leaves again

I'm still thinking about the story. I will write it when I feel like. That means you're supposed to tell me to write 'cause then I'll feel more moved to write

jeol
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Sigh... Wow. Okay then.

Since it's been a while and I don't have any decent content yet, I'll just post a minichapter.

--

Summer was gone. It had been three months and I spent the time fervently working on a big C++ project, ignoring all else. I'd almost finished it, though, but today was the first day of school and wouldn't have any time to work on it at all. Sigh. At least Frisbee started today.

I rolled over and looked at my messy bedroom. The manners and habits my mom so desparately tried to teach me were long since forgotten, and now a nasty odor arose midst the mix of clean and dirty clothes. Ugh... I really need to clean my room. I picked myself up and stomped across the dirty floor to prepare myself for the first day of my sophomore year.

MoonFairy
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*checks in*
Hiya Jeol. Gimmie a page number to start off on, and I'll have the critiquing done sometime sooner or later. Probably sooner given my recent bored state.
*checks out*

jeol
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Feel free to check it all out. I don't know what you have done and haven't. Page 8 has a bunch of poetry. Iduno. Go with what you find. :P

jeol
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It's been a while since I've actually written anything - Probably a week or two (even the minichapter I wrote a while back). I guess I'm not living up to the thread name :/ I shall try to redeem myself!

Apologies - a haiku

I apologize
for this sad inconvenience
I will write some more.

MoonFairy
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Aw come on. Upload a chapter thing. Cmon.

ANd seriously, don't tell me to do whatever, give me a page number to start on. Consider this pressure.

jeol
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ANd seriously, don't tell me to do whatever, give me a page number to start on. Consider this pressure.

I thought I did. Page 8, if you don't mind. :P

As for the next chapter, I will try to get one by tomorrow morning.
MoonFairy
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This Silver Lake....
This was off. It could've so easily rhymed, but you didn't. D:
You use moon, waaaaaay too much, and my name is Moon, so... that's saying something. Try to describe it instead of saying moon all the time.

In the Swan, again, you use the word of the title too much. Swanswanswanswanswan it takes off from the poetic stance.

The war, I'm not really sure... maybe if you explained it?

Contendedness, it had a flow going, then when you got to the second N, it fell apart a bit. Work on the meter, but I understand because you have to think outside the box, it is an acrostic.

Well, you won the contest, I don't see how I can give much critique for it.

jeol
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Flight - a poem, FLP, inspired by Endscape.

To the stars you may go -
to infinity and beyond -
to thrive as you know,
and to live as you fear.

All of us are alike,
seeing to respond,
whether we dislike,
whether we're in tears.

Forever we may live,
and ever do we bond,
though we may outlive, [ourselves]
We shall evermore adhere.

Contendedness, it had a flow going, then when you got to the second N, it fell apart a bit. Work on the meter, but I understand because you have to think outside the box, it is an acrostic.

Keep in mind, that was my first acrostic, and I have no idea what a meter is :P
Well, you won the contest, I don't see how I can give much critique for it.

Yay, I won a contest! Which one?
This Silver Lake....
This was off. It could've so easily rhymed, but you didn't. D:

Sorry... I was trying to avoid rhyming at that point. I stink at it. :/
In the Swan, again, you use the word of the title too much. Swanswanswanswanswan it takes off from the poetic stance.

Yeah, that could easily be avoided... I just need to reread my poems. :/
The war, I'm not really sure... maybe if you explained it?

Basically it is about heat and cold, but from a war perspective (instead of a science persp.?). I honestly don't know how to explain it.
MoonFairy
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The light one on page 9, (I'm critiquing the whole page) You said you were waiting for the light, yet basking in the dark. Normally when you bask in something, you are enjoying it. other than that, it was nice.

Your story, I'll be keeping an eye on it. It is interesting.

You don't HAVE to rhyme you know, but rhyme is used to catch the eye of a reader, and when you don't have that, you use something else, which is the ability to capture an image and relay it to the people. Make sure that image is IN the poem when you write it, and if it is, then the image will be crystal clear to the reader.

jeol
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Okay. Next part in. I think the previous entry combined with this one is a chapter. I would've kept going but where I stopped seemed... Right. So. I will continue this later.

Summer was gone. It had been three months and I spent the time fervently working on a big C++ project, ignoring all else. I'd almost finished it, though, but today was the first day of school and wouldn't have any time to work on it at all. Sigh. At least Frisbee started today.

I rolled over and looked at my messy bedroom. The manners and habits my mom so desparately tried to teach me were long since forgotten, and now a nasty odor arose midst the mix of clean and dirty clothes. Ugh... I really need to clean my room. I picked myself up and stomped across the dirty floor to prepare myself for the first day of my sophomore year.

It was my last class of the day. The energy of all the highschool students was dieing off, as student began to realize that their procrastination skills were about to be tested. The teacker introduced herself - she was a new one to the highschool. As she went on talking about herself and the class to come, Economics, sunlight filtered throught the windows, lighting the nearby faces of my classmates and myself. I sighed. Another hour 'till frisbee, I thought.

After what seemed like an eternity, time resumed once again and the bell rang. Finally. Leaving the class, I dropped my stuff off at my locker and headed for the fields. Today, there were doing some kind of 'Get to know your Team' sort of thing so I sifted through the crowd in serach of the Frisbee Folk. Noticing someone holding a frisbee, I strolled over to where he was standing. While I was approaching him, he turned around, and I heard the one voice I had tried so hard to avoid that day. "Hello, Phil." Oh no. Not Julius.
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