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Moon's Metrophobia

Posted Aug 11, '12 at 3:27pm

MoonFairy

MoonFairy

3,417 posts

Here is a tale
Of a fallen hero.
Thrown from his home,
Family and friends
He lays, crumpled on the ground.
The corner of a forgotten dead end.
He goes through his memories of his
False fame and glory.
The people that took the blame
So he could be a hero in his own story.
He caught the bad guys,
Convicted evil doers.
No one questioned the evidence.
No one thought to look
At what was inside
Of our Hero's little black book.
The lives of the 'evil'
Were honestly innocent
But they were played
As our Hero's instrument.
They took the fall,
So he could appear good.
Who would think to question
What no one else would?
Our Hero had a boy
A good natured son
Who would've thought
He would be the one?
To uncover the truths
About his father.
What was he thinking?
Why did he bother?
He saw the black book
And read of the lives
That were held inside.
The boy went to the papers,
And our Hero's fame reached it's end.
No one adored him,
Now that they knew what he did.
The boy rose to the occasion
As the first Hero fell.
He would not lie so that people would praise him,
He only promised this story to retell.

 

Posted Aug 13, '12 at 12:48am

MoonFairy

MoonFairy

3,417 posts

Sometimes the most unappealing roads lead to the best places~

 

Posted Aug 14, '12 at 4:41pm

daleks

daleks

3,649 posts

Sometimes the most unappealing roads lead to the best places~

Until you are walking down the road and a bear jumps out and kills you.
 

Posted Aug 15, '12 at 3:57pm

MoonFairy

MoonFairy

3,417 posts

Wooooo. Well, whatever there was going on with that dippy and I, it is over. They really called the cops, and the cop just told them to go back home and sort it out themselves. :D

THANK YOU OFFICER D.

Anyways. An old new piece:

No matter the turn of events
No matter the situation
They stuck through it all
Even through the complications.
I've always questioned their feelings for me
I've never thought that I changed
But apparently I have
Because now I can brighten their day.
I always thought I brought them down
But I see that I make them smile
I can manipulate the air around
And make our times worthwhile.

_____

A nice contrast to what has been going on lately. :D

 

Posted Aug 15, '12 at 4:11pm

Salvidian

Salvidian

4,299 posts

That last one sounded like the lyrics to a song. Oh, and 'manipulate the air around' was an incredible phrase. It leads up to a lot of other really interesting thoughts and it kind of hints at the possibility of you being a superhero.

Or a rapper. It does sound like a rap lyric.

 

Posted Aug 16, '12 at 5:11pm

MoonFairy

MoonFairy

3,417 posts

I actually disliked that line, but still used it lol.

Anyways, update:

A picnic on a diving board
Eating all the food
That we could afford
Simple dining
While the sun was shining
Is it possible
That our hearts were aligning?
You're here now
Here for me
I want to understand
What do you see?
It is more of an investigation
Because people run
When they see my reputation.
I love it that you stick around
You know what to say
It is so profound
I thought I would drive you away
And I tried very hard
But the evil I do
You just disregard.

A picnic on the diving board
I don't deserve you as a reward.

 

Posted Aug 16, '12 at 5:55pm

wolf1991

wolf1991

3,557 posts

Tell me Moon, how does one commence a picnic on said diving board?

Overall the flow is generally even and the rhyming is well put together. Only critique is that the punctuation is a little off throughout the entire poem, and that tend to affect its rhythm. Aside from that minor detail it's well done and I enjoyed it's simplicity in theme.

 

Posted Aug 16, '12 at 8:52pm

MoonFairy

MoonFairy

3,417 posts

Well you sit on one end, and the other person sits on the other end, facing you, then you splash the food between the two of you. :D

Yeah no , . , . , . , . thing or anything. Danke wolfie.

 

Posted Aug 20, '12 at 11:17pm

MoonFairy

MoonFairy

3,417 posts

Walking out to war
The new feel of those
Shiny hard helmets
Gotta have dry socks
Have to blend in

A bomb goes off
In the distance
Men go down
My brother
Along with them
They held me back
From saving you
They kept me from
From keeping you alive
Why did it have to be you
And not I?

Our parents will never see you again
Never hear your laugh
Just the memories.
The good were few
The bad were many
I should of changed that
I could've.

But I didn't.

It is my fault
And I know you would say otherwise
But I was supposed to be in your squad,
Your place.
I sent you to your demise.
Unknowingly.

I'm so sorry.
So sorry.

 

Posted Aug 28, '12 at 5:28pm

Kyouzou

Kyouzou

5,231 posts

Nicely done, good play on the emotion. The first stanza really doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem which, in my opinion, really disrupts the flow. Other than that, I thought it was quite good.

 
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