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Moon's Metrophobia

Posted Jan 10, '14 at 1:32pm

MoonFairy

MoonFairy

3,421 posts

July 7th, 2010

It is worth fighting for,
My country's honor is worth this war.
I don't care if I die today.
Hell, I'm not even getting paid.
_____

Alright this one was just messing around on the FLP, so I don't exactly count it as a legit piece of work, so I'm gonna add the next one on to this post as well.
_____

July 9th, 2010

Staring into the night
I see
How amazing dark can be.
Stars are glistening.
People are asleep.
Looking into the water,
You can't tell how deep.
All is quiet.
You are alone.
To ponder the thoughts,
Of places unknown.
Streaks of soft light begin to show.
Light clouds caress the sky.
The night begins to fade, although,
You will see such beauty again.
When the day says good bye.
_____

Ah, this one I kind of like. The rhythm of this one kind of gets funky at the end, and I'd like to change that but I'm not quite sure how. I don't think that I do these visually descriptive poems much, so they are not always the best. But alas I shall seek improvement.

I'll be attempting to keep this alive while I'm in school, but please bear with me if I skip over a few days. (if any of you are even bothering to look at this, I do appreciate it)

 

Posted Jan 10, '14 at 2:03pm

IceClaw247

IceClaw247

869 posts

It's a great poem Moon, I love the subject of it too. As it is about night time and how peaceful and gentle it is with everything is silent I feel the lines should be slightly re-structured. If you lengthened the lines of the first half (line 3 back spaced onto the previous line) and connect the next couple of lines after that together to give it more structure also building the poem up more. After

You can't tell how deep.
I think there should be a break and start a new stanza. In the second stanza you can have the lines shorter with enjambment which will emphasize each line until the finale.
 

Posted Jan 11, '14 at 11:50pm

MoonFairy

MoonFairy

3,421 posts

July 16th, 2010

The annoyance
Of that gol darn bee.
Thinks that he can keep pestering,
Me?!

Never
Will I ever
Let that bee leave alive.
For I,
The evolved one,
Have the element of suprise.

SMACK
Almost gotcha!
SMACK
Get back here!!!!
SMACK
C'mere Buddy!
SMACK
I'm your worst fear.

So he thinks he can beat me?
Thinks he can just leave?
Fly out of MY window?
And into the breeze?

No way bud.
Not today.
I've got a fly swatter.
And it is your butt I'm gonna slay.
_____

This poem was for humor purposes ONLY. I'm kind of ashamed of it, but alas the archive rules demand I post it.

 

Posted Jan 12, '14 at 12:10am

Freakenstein

Freakenstein

9,654 posts

Moderator

I recited this poem in the chat, I think the dramatic effects won me over.

 

Posted Jan 12, '14 at 12:49am

Tapassum

Tapassum

5 posts

While reading through these, I was convinced the first letter of every line would spell out a message of some sort

 

Posted Jan 12, '14 at 10:24pm

MoonFairy

MoonFairy

3,421 posts

It's a great poem Moon, I love the subject of it too. As it is about night time and how peaceful and gentle it is with everything is silent I feel the lines should be slightly re-structured. If you lengthened the lines of the first half (line 3 back spaced onto the previous line) and connect the next couple of lines after that together to give it more structure also building the poem up more. After

You can't tell how deep.

I think there should be a break and start a new stanza. In the second stanza you can have the lines shorter with enjambment which will emphasize each line until the finale.


Thank you! I agree with you completely, and when I'm writing these down I will most definitely make these changes.

I recited this poem in the chat, I think the dramatic effects won me over.

Oh god Frank did you really..... seriously....

While reading through these, I was convinced the first letter of every line would spell out a message of some sort

Sorry to disappoint.


July 21st, 2010

As the tiger runs,
I try to run alongside.
I can't keep up,
But he slows down,
Natures rules we both abide.

I see no danger in him,
He doesn't see it in me.
He is just a majestic beast,
Waiting to be free.

So I will run beside him,
Faithfully as a friend.
And we will both wait patiently,
Till we can run again.
_____

I kind of like the idea I had behind this one, but I feel like it's just too short and I forced the rhyme was just way too forced. Ah well.
 

Posted Jan 14, '14 at 12:47am

MoonFairy

MoonFairy

3,421 posts

The comfort of the darkness,
As it wraps itself around me.
Like a blanket,
Only it is everywhere, surrounding.

It is where I can relax,
Where I can feel peace.
I can throw off some troubles,
Of the real world at least.

 

Posted Jan 15, '14 at 12:33am

MoonFairy

MoonFairy

3,421 posts

August 17th, 2010

Life has been shadowed by death
Ever since the world has been spinning.
A new life comes,
An old life goes,
It is a cycle that is never ending.

Not everyone feels the pain of someone gone.
But sooner or later they will,
But it doesn't mean you should be depressed,
It is just The Life's Deal.

 

Posted Jan 15, '14 at 6:57pm

Salvidian

Salvidian

4,299 posts

I liked how that last one sounded a lot.

< _ <

> _ >

I may have shared it with others.

 

Posted Jan 18, '14 at 4:10pm

MoonFairy

MoonFairy

3,421 posts

August 17th, 2010

My day? It started off okay.
Did all the same things that I would do,
Got ready to face the world,
But I wasn't ready to face you.

Life just isn't fair, now is it?
So I'm stuck in this place.
Sitting across from you.
Trying to not stare at your face.

 
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