ForumsArt, Music, and WritingMoon's Metrophobia

258 106366
MoonFairy
offline
MoonFairy
3,390 posts
Shepherd

THE THIRD TIME IS THE CHARM!

As some of you might already know. I'm Moon. This is my third attempt at keeping a thread alive.

It's totally gonna die,
and I might cry.
But it's worth a try :3

^ Poem of the OP. Please Help the poem prove itself wrong, and don't let it die. Donate your time and feedback to this poor thread, so it can feed it's baby poems. :>


Anyways. I'm not really sure what all this will contain, I just hope there will actually be people willing to help me become better at whatever I try to do. So... I guess that means I will be writing (duh), drawing, and other artsy-fartsy stuff I shall attempt.

So... That's all I have for the OP! I hope that all onlookers will enjoy what I do!

  • 258 Replies
MoonFairy
offline
MoonFairy
3,390 posts
Shepherd

The mournful winter releases life
From its duty for a season,
Some view it as death,
But I view it as with a reason

MoonFairy
offline
MoonFairy
3,390 posts
Shepherd

Maybe I should look at my summer reading.... ehhh I haven't done summer reading since middle school so nah >8D Lesse... I could do Chinese and Laundry... maybe....


Maybe I'll go write out my own schedule, while I stick this here.

Instead of reaching conclusions
I find illusions
Things that aren't real
Misleading my mind
This wasn't the deal.
This isn't what I was supposed to find.

The dead body on the floor
This wasn't the condition upon which we swore
No one was supposed to get hurt
You weren't to kill anyone
How this situation I want to invert
You weren't a hired gun.

Innocent and harmless
Now because of your mistake we have to confess
You blew the whole mission
Don't blame me
You put us in this condition
How is this what I was to foresee?

MoonFairy
offline
MoonFairy
3,390 posts
Shepherd

Here is a tale
Of a fallen hero.
Thrown from his home,
Family and friends
He lays, crumpled on the ground.
The corner of a forgotten dead end.
He goes through his memories of his
False fame and glory.
The people that took the blame
So he could be a hero in his own story.
He caught the bad guys,
Convicted evil doers.
No one questioned the evidence.
No one thought to look
At what was inside
Of our Hero's little black book.
The lives of the 'evil'
Were honestly innocent
But they were played
As our Hero's instrument.
They took the fall,
So he could appear good.
Who would think to question
What no one else would?
Our Hero had a boy
A good natured son
Who would've thought
He would be the one?
To uncover the truths
About his father.
What was he thinking?
Why did he bother?
He saw the black book
And read of the lives
That were held inside.
The boy went to the papers,
And our Hero's fame reached it's end.
No one adored him,
Now that they knew what he did.
The boy rose to the occasion
As the first Hero fell.
He would not lie so that people would praise him,
He only promised this story to retell.

MoonFairy
offline
MoonFairy
3,390 posts
Shepherd

Sometimes the most unappealing roads lead to the best places~

daleks
offline
daleks
3,770 posts
Chamberlain

Sometimes the most unappealing roads lead to the best places~

Until you are walking down the road and a bear jumps out and kills you.
MoonFairy
offline
MoonFairy
3,390 posts
Shepherd

Wooooo. Well, whatever there was going on with that dippy and I, it is over. They really called the cops, and the cop just told them to go back home and sort it out themselves.

THANK YOU OFFICER D.

Anyways. An old new piece:

No matter the turn of events
No matter the situation
They stuck through it all
Even through the complications.
I've always questioned their feelings for me
I've never thought that I changed
But apparently I have
Because now I can brighten their day.
I always thought I brought them down
But I see that I make them smile
I can manipulate the air around
And make our times worthwhile.

_____

A nice contrast to what has been going on lately.

Salvidian
offline
Salvidian
4,170 posts
Farmer

That last one sounded like the lyrics to a song. Oh, and 'manipulate the air around' was an incredible phrase. It leads up to a lot of other really interesting thoughts and it kind of hints at the possibility of you being a superhero.

Or a rapper. It does sound like a rap lyric.

MoonFairy
offline
MoonFairy
3,390 posts
Shepherd

I actually disliked that line, but still used it lol.

Anyways, update:

A picnic on a diving board
Eating all the food
That we could afford
Simple dining
While the sun was shining
Is it possible
That our hearts were aligning?
You're here now
Here for me
I want to understand
What do you see?
It is more of an investigation
Because people run
When they see my reputation.
I love it that you stick around
You know what to say
It is so profound
I thought I would drive you away
And I tried very hard
But the evil I do
You just disregard.

A picnic on the diving board
I don't deserve you as a reward.

wolf1991
offline
wolf1991
3,440 posts
Farmer

Tell me Moon, how does one commence a picnic on said diving board?

Overall the flow is generally even and the rhyming is well put together. Only critique is that the punctuation is a little off throughout the entire poem, and that tend to affect its rhythm. Aside from that minor detail it's well done and I enjoyed it's simplicity in theme.

MoonFairy
offline
MoonFairy
3,390 posts
Shepherd

Well you sit on one end, and the other person sits on the other end, facing you, then you splash the food between the two of you.

Yeah no , . , . , . , . thing or anything. Danke wolfie.

MoonFairy
offline
MoonFairy
3,390 posts
Shepherd

Walking out to war
The new feel of those
Shiny hard helmets
Gotta have dry socks
Have to blend in

A bomb goes off
In the distance
Men go down
My brother
Along with them
They held me back
From saving you
They kept me from
From keeping you alive
Why did it have to be you
And not I?

Our parents will never see you again
Never hear your laugh
Just the memories.
The good were few
The bad were many
I should of changed that
I could've.

But I didn't.

It is my fault
And I know you would say otherwise
But I was supposed to be in your squad,
Your place.
I sent you to your demise.
Unknowingly.

I'm so sorry.
So sorry.

Kyouzou
offline
Kyouzou
5,062 posts
Jester

Nicely done, good play on the emotion. The first stanza really doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem which, in my opinion, really disrupts the flow. Other than that, I thought it was quite good.

SunPixie
offline
SunPixie
75 posts
Nomad

OH MY GOD KYO

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN YOU BUTT

MoonFairy
offline
MoonFairy
3,390 posts
Shepherd

RE RE RE RE REVIVE!

Hey guys. I'm back. Thanks to Emperor I'll be semi trying to keep up with poetry and stuff. I'd really appreciate it if you guys told me what you think about any of my stuff, but you don't have to. Just the views are still appreciated.
Anyways this is the poem I posted for the Poetry Contest~

A never ending war between mankind.
Not over land and gold,
But of hearts and growing old.
We all want just one,
To keep to ourselves.
Our lovely little secret,
In our souls held by a spell.

A most blissful feeling,
That cannot be compared.
A personal journey,
With only one that can be shared.
But what is true bliss,
Without catastrophe?
How can we reach true joy,
Without agony?

Is not the taste sweeter,
When its prologue was sour?

pangtongshu
offline
pangtongshu
9,815 posts
Jester

Keep it up! ^-^

Anyways..I'm tired, distracted (by you, nonetheless), and other shiz..so I won't be doing much of an analysis..but when I get the chance I shall.

The first stanza has a very natural tone about it..I can easily imagine someone actually reading it to me.

The last four lines in both stanzas also excel with flow..so much so that I want them to continue on..just to bask in the flow. It may not have been intentional, but the effect created by the flow and the desire for it to continue gave the poem a more intrusive touch into my feels..and I like that.

The one thing that throws me off is the sporadic rhyming..though, that isn't to say it is a negative..I'm just personally used to constant rhyming.

But..like I said..keep up the work!
And don't fret..I shan't let this die

Showing 106-120 of 258