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Zeus01
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Zeus01
37 posts
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Here is a story I will try to make visits and write some more
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
There I lay on my bed staring straight up at the blank ceiling, my mind blank and floating away from the worries of life. A voice suddenly broke the quiet and peacefulness of that moment.
"Ryan!" My dad shouted in a soft tone.
"Coming dad." I replied back.
I stepped out of my room and into the bathroom i quickly brushed my teeth with my red and white Oral-B® tooth brush. I skipped the dark oak polished stairs one at a time and landed on the soft blue rug at the bottom of the stairs. I ran to the glass dining table and gave him a high-five. I took the milk out of our stainless steel fridge and got Fruit Loops® from the cabinet. I grabbed a spoon and took a seat by my dad.
"Hey" I said as I sat down.
"Hello" he replied in a happy tone.
"Why so happy?"
"I got the job"
After those words, I was speechless.
Now my friends I have no clue what is going to happen next I will figure it out farewell until next time guys!

  • 20 Replies
Zeus01
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Zeus01
37 posts
60

I dont know why the A shows up after the r

killersup10
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killersup10
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killersup thinks that it is a good story.it got a little to much of him just doing radnom things that din't need said.anyway god story that was only thing killersup did not love.you will get better with time.good job!

Grokuu_Kultiras
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Grokuu_Kultiras
3 posts
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Its not bad. Not very creative for a first instalment...the only reason being is that it really has no hook. A good story should have a hook to keep the readers wanting to come back. Give that a think over and I'm sure the next instalment will be great.

ponyo97
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ponyo97
41 posts
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its relly good

NewZullord
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NewZullord
2 posts
160

nice story

Zeus01
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Zeus01
37 posts
60

"Why aren't you happy?" He asked suspiciously.
"Moving!" I yelled back.
"Everyone moves sometimes."
"I've been here since preschool, all my friends are here."
"Were moving I need the job, actually we need the job. I can't pay bills working at a gas station, they pay too little. The gas prices have gone down, so pack your bags were going to NYC."
I went up the stairs into my room and packed all day until all my bags and boxes were full. Not how i wanted to spend my weekend I thought.
I went downstairs and saw the whole house was full of boxes.
"The movers are going to be here tomorrow." He announced
"Okay" I replied in a glum tone.
I went to play MW3 on XBox only to find that had been packed.
Nice fun weekend this is I thought while kicking a box out of my way.






Ill post more today

Zeus01
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Zeus01
37 posts
60

The movers arrived in a big red truck that said in white letters:
CALL 1-800-MOVERS
"Ugh." I said in a disgusted tone.
The tall big men sat in the truck and started driving away. Me and my dad got into our old red car and followed them. The drive was an hour long.
We arrived in front of a old cracked apartment building.
"Home sweet home, for now." My dad said while smiling and staring up at the top of the building.
Of course theres going to be more moving
My dad went up the steps and stopped at apartment 41B. He put the key into the lock and turned it when he opened the door and found dust everywhere.
"We have cleaning up to do."

ponyo97
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ponyo97
41 posts
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I think it's awesome

LucasDaLegend
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LucasDaLegend
1,069 posts
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Nice. I would really like to see you carry this on and then perhaps create another fascinating story.

Zeus01
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Zeus01
37 posts
60

I decided the story will be called Super

Zeus01
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Zeus01
37 posts
60

The whole day we cleaned the old, dirty apartment. Once the day was over the apartment only looked old.
"Ah finally were done. Now its relaxation time." My dad said smoothly
"RELAXATION?! IT'S 11:00!" I NEED TO GO TO SCHOOL"
"No you don't"
"What do you mean?"
"Home schooling"
"What?! Do you want me to be a social outcast? How will I make friends?!"
"There are good kids that live in this building."
"Why can't I go to school?"
"It's too risky."
"What do you mean risky?"
"Um when your mom died."
"What about when she died?"
"The um, you know what your being home schooled and thats that."
From then on I knew something was going on.
BEEP BEEP BEEP the alarm on my clock went. I read the time: 7:00.
"Ugh" I sleepily said.
I pressed the button 'Snooze' and a surge of blue electricity went through my finger and the clock. I looked at my hand and simply said:
"Whoa."
I got up and went to my dad.
"Da-" My word was left hanging he was on the phone.
"No nothing strange has happen, he would of told me. NO! Goodbye."
"Hey dad"
"Hi bud"
"Who was that?"
"Oh that was an old friend."
I decided to not say anything and ate breakfast in silence.

Strop
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Strop
10,835 posts
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The plot development is surprisingly good. Each new installment, while brief, brings a new twist to increasingly suspicious circumstances. What is Dad up to? How long is the protagonist going to tolerate his secrecy and unilateral decision making over his life? What does Mom's death have to do with the reason he can't leave the house? And did he just get super powers from being zapped by the clock? Maybe Dad has realised something about his son, but then is he trying to act to protect the protagonist from himself? And if so, why? If you keep us asking more questions as you provide answers, your readers will keep on reading.

There are a few issues with incongruous tone, particularly in conveying volume. How does one "shout softly", and why would you yell back at somebody who is whispering to you? I'd also lose the product placement, because it distracts from the point and this isn't a Hollywood movie whose budget comes from sponsorships lol. Also, AG forums don't support special characters like registered trademarks haha.

If you wanted to really expand this such that each installment was like a chapter of a novel, you'll have to learn how to tell your story through painting the picture with the details, fleshing out events and processes to convey atmosphere. Fiction is full of conventions and devices that will direct the reader into imagining or feeling a certain something, and familiarising yourself with these will help you figure out what I mean.

Keep writing!

Zeus01
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Zeus01
37 posts
60

"Okay now time for home schooling" he announced.
"Ugh do I have to?"
"Yes, it's for your own good. Now lets start with basic math."
"Okay"
"you have two blocks of clay in cube form and the edges are 10 cm. How many spheres with a radius of 5cm can you make with that amount of clay?"
"Three spheres" I said quickly without thinking.
"Great, now lets take it to the next level."
"What is the sum of all positive numbers?"
"Um, not infinite."
There was a big grin on his face
"It's"
â 1/ns'
â'
n=1
I wrote down.
"I don't know how to say it but it's the Riemann Zeta Function"
"That is amazing!"
"Well this isn't the only thing that is amazing."
"What do you mean?"
"You have your secrets, I have mine."
"Class is over."

Zeus01
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Zeus01
37 posts
60

Wow AG doesnt support special characters the answer to his math problem came out wrong

Grokuu_Kultiras
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Grokuu_Kultiras
3 posts
180

There we go. Firstly i would like to thank you for getting in contact with me via my wall, i appreciate it. Secondly I'm beginning to get into the story. As another user mentioned you have started introducing more and more about the characters and given them a mystery that makes me want to know more about them. I think I'm liking the development of the 'dad' figure. I don't quite get him but thats what i like about his character. The child is still nameless...a voice without a label. I would prefer if it was kept this way, personally. Very good so far, don't quit yet...keep at it!

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