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J_C_Mooncity's Writing Thread

Posted Apr 23, '12 at 6:28pm

j_c_mooncity

j_c_mooncity

128 posts

I like to write, if feel like sharing I'll post it here. BE AWARE- I don't use a grammar checker, so if my grammar is crap, I have no way to check.

Here a story.

"You are a terrible person!" She yells.

"I'm aware of that." I replied simply.

"What event, what thing mentally damaged you so badly that you're forced to violently push people away!" She yells again.

"Do you really want to know what happened, really? You seem like a nice, normal young woman. I don't want to scare you." I say, sadly what comes out of her mouth next is the last thing I want to hear.

"Yes. Open up for once." she says.

Ryan Hawthorn. I'm stuck with her until she either leaves my base, or dies. Great.

"Sorry, I'm not willing to show the reason I'm such a jerk, at least not to you." I snap.

I'm not one for sentimentality.

"You are the WORST person I've ever met. No, you aren't even human. God, I cannot believe I'm stuck with you. You are inhuman." She says.

"You're right, I'm not human, at least not completely." I say.

She turns, and goes back into her room.

As I said before, I'm not completely human. I'm human, and pretty much every other living thing thrown in there. Energex called me the Omega Project. I still don't get the title.

Energex, they found me dying on the side of a road after being hit by a car. I was 16, and had no clue what they were. They said they would make me new, whole again. They said they would give a new life.

3 years later, I was released. I wasn't human any more. I was a test subject. They wanted to know if a human could survive having their DNA laced with the patterns of thousands of living things. I lived.

Sadly, that life had a number of side effects. I shed my skin once a month. I can see in the dark. I can echo locate. I have heightened senses and endurance. I no longer need to eat because I can use photosynthesis. I can breathe Oxygen, Carbon, and water. I don't age.  That's why I hate almost everybody.

They made me to run their planet. Demeter, my pride and joy, I raise the giant forest now located on it's surface. I run the Oxygen harvesters. It exists in the first place to produce oxygen for the Humans, who have become so polluted they can't survive without Oxygen tanks.

I'd been on surface for 45 years when Ryan came along. I trained her. They were worried that my solitude would make unstable. I was already unstable. She is nothing but a pain. Now my only peace is that which I find in my greenhouse.

As I walk through the trees I can feel a slight breeze. Rather than go the my green house, I head to the nearest oxygen harvester. It's working at a higher level than the last time I check it. I check the others, and they are too.

I sprint back to the base. Ryan is sitting in the Rec area playing chess. She looks up as I run by her.

"What are you doing?" She asks, following me into the Communication Room.

"I'm contacting the Company. We have wind." I say to her, frantically pressing buttons as the slow process starts.

The planet isn't spinning on it's axis. Not only are there 3 months of darkness, there is also little oxygen on this part of the planet. We have to chill at the pole where there is enough oxygen and carbon is enough for the plants, the harvesters and me, and a small enough radius that we receive around 3 days of darkness and three of light. All the oxygen is at the equator where the plants would bake to death.

"What does that mean?" She asks.

"REALLY! Are you that clueless? It means we can go from solar to wind and I can start planting more trees. I'm contacting the Company to have wind turbines sent here." I snap at her.

"Geez, sorry. I was just asking." She says.

I connect, and explain the situation to the engineer people on the other side. They're happy, I'm happy, Ryan is clueless. This is going to be a long day.

After I'm done briefing the Company on the status of the planet, I head to the main control room. It's a large room that is used for controlling the base. I shut down the Oxygen tank infeed, and open all the vents. A large grinding screech resonates throughout the base. Walking out into the main hall, I see Ryan freaking out at the noise.

"RYAN! What are you doing? Quit freaking and come eat."

"What are we having?" She asks.

"Food." I say.

"Yum." She says.

After eating the mush they give us, I stand and walk over to her.

"Come with me." I say.

"Why? Where are we going?" She asks.

"You are going to show me how to operate a harvester." I say.

"You know how to do that, why do I need to show you?" She says.

"Because you need to know this, I am making sure you know how." I say.

"Oh, you trained me, I obviously know how."

I shake my head and start walking towards the now open Airlock. She follows me.

She does what she is supposed to do. I am slightly proud of how well I trained her.

When we get back to the base she starts looking at me expectantly.

"What?" I ask. It's kinda freaking me out, the look on her face.

"No. I refuse to tell why I so messed up, in the head. Its my buisnesss." I say harshly.

I walk to my green house. The mixture of oxygen carbon and nitrates in the air always calms me down. Thousands of almost black flowers with white "stars" hang from the roof in vines. I call them night blooms because they look like the night sky. I took five years and thousands of different flowers to create them. That's why I like them.

I water and feed them, and crack open the vents to give them some fresh air. I sit here for hours relaxing.

At "dinner" I return to the base to find Ryan playing pingpong.

"Are you going to eat? You should, we'll need to be up early in the morning to start up rooting any small trees and shutting down the. harvesters." I say.

"I already ate." She says.

"Good." I say, leaving it at that.

I walk to my room and spend the night reading.

 

Posted Apr 24, '12 at 8:27am

j_c_mooncity

j_c_mooncity

128 posts

I Forgot to mention I would love some constructive criticism. I need to know what wrong before I can fix it.

 

Posted Apr 26, '12 at 2:59pm

j_c_mooncity

j_c_mooncity

128 posts

"Jay, are we going to start uprooting now, or do we want to wait?" Asks Ryan, slightly muffled through the door.

I stand, stretch, change into some clothes and head out into the hall.

"It's now or never, right?" I say.

She shakes her head at me and we walk out into the sunshine and fresh air. It takes us a while, but we eventually uproot all 10 ten of my trees. We then plug the new location into the harvesters and seal the base. We'll have to stay in temporary shelters until the base arrives. We hop into the Orion Swift (a two man solar hover thing) and head down to a nice equatorial area. There's a dormant volcano there so the soils excellent for growing.

 

Posted Apr 26, '12 at 5:25pm

jezz

jezz

1,447 posts

I never usually take the time to read stories in this forum but I've been bored all day and now I'm lucky enough to have stumbled upon your thread. I really enjoyed your story opening, I love that it's not set on Earth and you've invented practically everything you've mentioned so far. The dialogue is great, although a little bit long-winded in places and you could structure it more tightly to provide a smoother plot flow;

"Come with me." I say.

"Why? Where are we going?" She asks.

"You are going to show me how to operate a harvester." I say.

"You know how to do that, why do I need to show you?" She says.

"Because you need to know this, I am making sure you know how." I say.

"Oh, you trained me, I obviously know how."

In my opinion, banter in a dialogue like this can get tiresome to read after a while. You could either cut out all the 'I said', 'she said''s after the first one to reduce repetition or you could shake it up with a few descriptions of facial expressions, tone of voice or body language.

I would love to learn more about Ryan and I would especially love to learn more about 'the Omega Project'! Please, keep writing!

 

Posted Apr 26, '12 at 5:40pm

j_c_mooncity

j_c_mooncity

128 posts

Thank you Jezz. I appreciate the comment and I will take you thoughts into opinion.

 

Posted Apr 27, '12 at 4:59am

Rapyion

Rapyion

645 posts

OI! I THOUGHT YOU QUIT!!

Great storyline, as I've read at the first post a few months before.

I wonder if there's action. I favour action very much, but don't try to impress me, just right what you feel is comfortable and good to you. There's constructive criticism, but some others are just criticism but not constructive. You don't need to take that advice.

Write more.

http://assets0.ordienetworks.com/images/GifGuide/clapping/busey_clapping.gif

 

Posted Apr 27, '12 at 4:53pm

j_c_mooncity

j_c_mooncity

128 posts

We start planting. Soon enough there are 10 visible trees and 40 seeds in the ground. My greenhouse won't arrive until the harvesters arrive. We start to build some tents.

After the tents are up, I walk over to the nearest tree seed. I notice Ryan watching me, but I ignore her. I place a hand over the seed and root. Once I've found the seed, I start feeding energy to it, and soon enough it's the size of my other sproutlings.

Of all my abilities, that is my greatest. I can make plants grow, fast. It takes energy from me, but it's worth it, because I can take energy from them once their big enough. Only myself, and now Ryan, know about this ability.

"How... how did you do that?" She ask, more than a little awestruck.

With the air that it was the normal thing in the world, I say, "Magic," and then I smile that creepy smile that shows my elongated and fang-like teeth.

I turn and walk over to the ocean. I take a step into it. Squatting, take a scoop of water and drink it. To my surprise, it tastes sweet. I run to the tent and grab a cup. I fill it with water and bring it to a small computer.

"Naturally occurring sugar water. And yet there are no signs of life. Cool. Hey Ryan, come check this out!" I say.

She comes and looks in the microscope, "Cool! Do you think that there may have at been life here at one point?" she asks.

"I'm sure there was, but around a month before I landed Dithrias shot out and burned any life on the planet. I saw it, no life could have made it, in fact, the soil was still radiating when I landed." I say.

She once again look surprised. She starts to say something, but decides against it.

 

Posted Apr 30, '12 at 6:00pm

j_c_mooncity

j_c_mooncity

128 posts

"What's Dithrias?" I asks, clearly interested.

I laugh so hard I snort, slightly out of breath I say, "It's the star, you didn't know that? That's hilarious, you live here and you don't know your own star." I stop laughing when I realize that in the six months she's been here, I have never asked Ryan why she came, "Why are you here on Demeter, I've never thought to ask, but it's kinda bugging me now?"

"I needed to get away." she says.

 

Posted Apr 30, '12 at 6:38pm

j_c_mooncity

j_c_mooncity

128 posts

That 1st line should read she asks, not I.

Something about the way she said that made think there's more to it. There's always been something about her that fascinated me, but I could never put my finger on it. Maybe it's the fact that I've never been around a woman. I've never had parents at least not that I can remember. I've always has this feeling that I never did. Somthing about the what they told me at energex. Whatever my past is, here is where I want to be.

"I guess the plants are going to like it here on the coast." says Ryan.

"Thier going to grow like crazy. Have you tastes the water yet? Its really good." I say, I should dig deeper but I don't tell her my past, what should she.

 

Posted May 3, '12 at 8:29pm

j_c_mooncity

j_c_mooncity

128 posts

That night...

"Demi? Dimitri, where are you? Come on demi, were going to be late." Says an older, slightly tired, male voice.

"Coming Doc. Am I really going to start school? I mean, yes you've managed to speed my growth to an almost human speed, but don't you think the teachers are going to notice something's odd when I start talking like a twenty-year-old man?" Asks what sounds like a ten-year-old.

"Don't worry, Demi. I told them that you are a special child." Says Doc, laughing a little.

"Special, makes me sound like I have a disease." Says demi, slightly exasperated.

"Demi, quit complaining, you'll be fine in the fifth grade." Says Doc, eternally amused by his "sons" ideas about life.

Such a wise man, despite being physically ten and mentally 20, Dimitri Talbot is no stranger to self control. Dr. Talbot runs a tight ship, and nothing gets past him, as hard as Demi tries. Despite some social anxiety, Dr. Talbot is sure he'll do fine.

I awaken suddenly, and in the dark. For a second, the realness of my dream and my true location blend, and I am totally confused, then the truth comes rushing back.

"What the hell was that?" I wonder to myself, I think back to my dream. Was that a vision from my past? No, it can't be, I lived on the street most of life. I try to blink away the dream, but I can't.

"Jay, wake up, we have plant more... plants? That sound kinda dumb but okay." I hear Ryan call unsteadilly.

I roll my eyes and say, "Trees, we will start throwing down grass in around a month." I get dressed and crawl out of my tent to meet her.

 
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