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Jahoolio's Adventure

Posted Jun 3, '12 at 8:35pm

emochick324

emochick324

108 posts

Chapeter one:
Sitting in the woods crying, Jahoolio turned off his Iphone and started walking again. "I am a man..." Jahoolio's generation had colidid head on, technology with forest and animals. Called it the Techno-Plant Aurora.

Jahoolio had just turned 13 that Monday, and it was Wesnday. "How? I am a man, and I am crying!" He took out a pocket knife and carved his name in a tree, next to his fathers, cruely written was this:

Techlo Jahoolio

He heard a twig break and he turned, his pocket knife glimmered in the eyes of a fox, white eyes scared him and he backed up. The fox yipped and came closer. Jahoolio ran, the fox chasing him. He soon lost the fox, and he was in a cave, the shelves were full of shiny rocks and metals. He saw scratches and bite marks in the walls and twigs on the floor. "Werewolves....?" When he saw one. It clawed at him and he fell to the ground, his face stinging, his hands blocking his face and the werewolf breathing heavily.

 

Posted Jun 4, '12 at 9:04am

Crytera

Crytera

10 posts

This is some pretty good work. One thing though, it might work better if you described a bit more. For example, when Jahoolio is running from the you say is "He soon lost the fox, and he was in a cave," when you could describe a bit better with something like "His heart beating with intense fear of fox, Jahoolio blindly ran through the forrest, running through thick bushes to loose the fox. Exhausted, Jahoolio knew he wouldn't be safe in the open. He could see a cave just ahead, so he scrambled up into it." But that's just a suggestion. This is very good.

 
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