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The Bold Font By TDOG422 (Chapters 1-2) - DarkFuture_Clan_

Posted Jun 13, '12 at 10:31pm

TDOG422

TDOG422

330 posts

Chapter 1 - Help

Brandon didn't think this day was going to be special. In fact, he didn't think it was going to be anything. Ya he had fun playing bowling that evening, but didn't think anything BIG was going to happen. As he was driving back home he got a text. It was Derek.

Derek was one of Brandon's friends sense the 4th grade, were they became best friends. Jorden, (Derek's girlfriend), Alex (their friend), and Kate (Brandon's girlfriend) where all together at the bowling alley. They had a group sense 5th grade. It was like a never ending friendship of 5.

Brandon read Derek's out loud."coming over, need 2 tak" "What?" Brandon said to himself."Guess I should hurry home". He got home just as he saw Derek's car approaching the house. He parked, got out, then met Derek on the sidewalk. Derek opened his mouth, but no sound came out. Brandon said "C'mon! Say something!" Derek paused for a second, then said "It happened". Brandon thought for a second then released when he was talking about. "Come in" Brandon said. They went inside the house and got 2 bottles of water. He threw one to Derek, then opened his. "We need to call Alex, Jorden, and Katie." Derek nodded.

Brandon sent the same message to all three of them. "Come 2 my place, derek and i need u". They all responded the same - "Why". Then he typed one word to all of them - "Help".

Chapter 2 - Prep For The Pros

They eventually came, but while the two waited they tried calming down. When the other three got there, they all asked what happened. "What happened?" "Are you talking about-" "Did it happen?" Derek tried to brake all the loudness of the friends, but it only worked gradually. Once they where calmed down, Derek said "Ok, let me tell you what I saw before you start the "Question Gang". I saw a man running. I didn't know why, but then I saw another guy chasing the first. I tried looking closer at the chaser, then I saw him clearly. It WAS."

They all where in shock. But they didn't think he was lying by the expression on his face. The threatened look in his eyes. The scared movements of his lips. His just plain creeped feeling that they all felt. They went inside and discussed what he saw. Brandon slipped out of the living room while they talked. When the conversation was almost over, they released Brandon wasn't there. "Where did he go?" Then he came back and said "Getting ready". He pulled out a pistol and loaded it. He motioned to come with him. In his room there was TONS of guns. SMG's, shotguns, assault rifles, you name it. They all understood what they needed to do. The country counted on them. Them and whoever else will be able to survive. And the legend was started that very minute.
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Thank you guys for reading (if you read all of it...). It was REALLY fun making this and it basically was 1 hour after school I started and worked most of the rest of the day. Then day 2 I finished around 7:00 p.m. sooo...ya! Leave your feedback in the comments because I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!!! Have fun reading the rest (when I comes out)!

 

Posted Jun 15, '12 at 9:50am

acmed

acmed

1,921 posts

...Eh.

Your spelling needs to increase in efficiency.
You need to slow the hell down in your story.
You need to be realistic. Guns? In a room? This ain't Call of Duty dude.
The characters seem made up instantly, without any thought or backstory to it.

TL;DR: Needs a lot of work.

 

Posted Jun 15, '12 at 5:12pm

TDOG422

TDOG422

330 posts

@devin4444

You'll see.

@acmed

Sorry for the misspelling, I was kinda in a rush to get something for the clan. And I intended to go more in-depth with the story, plot, and characters later. COD TYPE ROOMS ARE AWESOME!!!

 

Posted Jun 15, '12 at 5:14pm

TDOG422

TDOG422

330 posts

Oh and it's only fast paced for the beginning, just don't be TOO critical yet, this is only the first 2 chapters after all.

 

Posted Jun 15, '12 at 5:15pm

acmed

acmed

1,921 posts

this is only the first 2 chapters after all.

Each good book needs to have a good beginning. It grabs the people's attention.

 

Posted Jun 15, '12 at 9:35pm

TDOG422

TDOG422

330 posts

I guess but I mean come on! It's my first real project!

 

Posted Jun 16, '12 at 2:47am

TDOG422

TDOG422

330 posts

I'm not the best writer ever...

 

Posted Jun 16, '12 at 3:09am

Freakenstein

Freakenstein

8,117 posts

Moderator

Please continue! You can always add on more to your story and take in the suggestions of others. Then at the end, we can see the collective evolution of your story, showing that you became better at making it. Some of the suggestions can be blunt, but please don't take that as a hindrance.

 

Posted Jun 16, '12 at 3:17am

devin4444

devin4444

35 posts

Is this about a zombie survival thing? P.S:I still dont get it

 

Posted Jun 16, '12 at 7:48am

acmed

acmed

1,921 posts

Is this about a zombie survival thing? P.S:I still dont get it

Then read it again.

I'm not the best writer ever...

Never said you were, never said you had to. Just, evolve from a Charmader learning his battles, to a butt kicking Charizard beating the hell out of others.

 
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