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Vacuum Fear

Posted Jun 14, '12 at 12:33pm

jeol

jeol

3,565 posts

I have been told that I stink at English and need to write more over the summer. This is my attempt, a somewhat serious sci-fi compared to my NaNoWriMo that I did a while back. Criticism is greatly appreciated. :)

Prologue, The Birth.

Truth is a mystery. There are many different ideas of what truth is, or rather, what is truth. Religion and Science (some science; not all) attempt to determine such mysteries as the original of the universe, why we are here, and what happens after the human mind fades. There are also simple truths in fact, for example, the fact that there is a star that humans call the 'Sun', or that their planet is the third planet from the 'Sun', which they call the 'Earth'. Then there are lies, which are attempts at stating a truth but by deception. A false truth.

But why is truth such a mystery?"

 

Posted Jun 14, '12 at 3:22pm

Cenere

Cenere

12,941 posts

Knight

Crits, you say?

I find it amusing that you are giving 'science' a capital s. It's a good effect, especially compared to the 'science' in the brackets with the non-capital s.

as the original of the universe

That should probably be 'origin'?

Any particular reason for the " in the end?

There are also simple truths in fact, for example, the fact that there is a star that humans call the 'Sun', or that their planet is the third planet from the 'Sun', which they call the 'Earth'.

This seems fairly slow and stumbling to me. I don't know what it is exactly, but it might simply be the wording or the sudden change from something a bit more philosophical into something rather, well, factual.
Same goes for

Then there are lies, which are attempts at stating a truth but by deception.

But in another way somehow. A sudden change of topic that doesn't make the story particularly fluid. It's an understandable development, but the change is rather in your face.

I can't offer a proper solution, since I don't know where you are going with the story yet, but these, besides the 'original/origin' thing, are not something you should be worried about, it just storytelling elements, that might work better if rewritten or reconsidered.
Otherwise an intriguing prologue, even if sci-fi never interested me much. It looks promising, and I will check in to read at least a few more chapters.

And, well, English is not the best of my friends either, so I don't dare to try and help you out on that. I just hope that wasn't the sole subject of constructive criticism...

 

Posted Jun 14, '12 at 5:00pm

ellock

ellock

296 posts

There are also simple truths in fact, for example, the fact that there is a star that humans call the 'Sun', or that their planet is the third planet from the 'Sun', which they call the 'Earth'.

This is all tangled up and makes it hard for a reader to read fluidly. A few suggestions would be:

There are also simple truths in fact, for example, the  star that humans call the 'Sun', or that their planet is the third planet from the 'Sun', which they call 'Earth'

That is just a thought though.

But why is truth such a mystery?

This is sort of a jump back after you just talked about lies. Try adding something to make it more fluid.

A false truth.

I am not the best at the English language so do not take this as law. However, I do think this sentence is a fragment. Consider taking it out or making it bigger.

Also the title seems odd for the prologue, it only talks about truth and lies and never talk about any type of birth or start.

I do like the story though, I am interested to see what comes from it.

 

Posted Jun 14, '12 at 8:28pm

jeol

jeol

3,565 posts

Thanks guys! :)

Yes, it was supposed to be 'origin', but for some reason autocorrect didn't like that word (I was using a mobile device).

Also, that last line is not the last line of the prologue. That is the remnants of a fail submit button. If you can't tell, that's a quotation, and I was putting quotation marks before it, and instead it decided to submit it. Oh well, it gave me time to think up the rest and write it out. Turned out that the entire prologue is three and a half pages :P The content of the rest more fulfills the name of the prologue, especially at the end.

Sadly, not all of the story will be as philosophical as the first couple of paragraphs (it being a story and all), but I do hope to keep it up a bit as the story continues. Thankfully, the main character is a 'thinker', so there will be more of it.

A sudden change of topic that doesn't make the story particularly fluid. It's an understandable development, but the change is rather in your face.

Okay, thanks to both of you. I'll rewrite it as I'm writing the rest out.

Prologue: The Birth.

Truth is a mystery. There are many different ideas of what truth is, or rather, what is truth. Religion and Science (some science, not all) attempt to determine such mysteries as the origin of the universe, why we are here, and what happens after the human mind fades. There are also simple truths, or facts. For example, there is a star that humans call the 'Sun', and their planet the 'Earth' is the third planet from the 'Sun'.

"But why is truth such a mystery?" One might ask. "Surely there are many truths, as you have said." That is because truth isn't quite as simple as one might think. For example, there is the fact that the 'Earth' is not the third planet from the 'Sun'. The former simple truth is a fact surrounded by ignorance. This, the Earth-dwellers might have understood if they had climbed out of their hole, for a planet lies opposite the Earth on which another colony of Humans live - separated, yet connected.

"Sir, err, Captain." Captain Quinn Boniver was interrupted from his thoughts as Phoenix, his ship's navigator, entered the room. "The birth is in but a few hours. We must leave now if we are to witness the event."

Captain Boniver sighed. "Alright, we shall lave. Tell Bates to bring the ship up to full speed. What's the closest port?" Boniver turned to the brightly glowing monitor behind him as Phoenix tapped on the glass-like pad he held in his hands. Boniver nodded. "Set a course for Gamma-A118."

Phoenix turned around, tapping on the glass. "Bates, bring the engine to full speed. We're headed for Gamma," Phoenix ordered as he left the room.

The Captain sat back once again and breathed a sigh. Silence. He decided to enjoy these few moments of rest before the ship once again would propel with gut-wrenching intensity through the vacuum of space and walk out onto the planet Gamma like he had lived there all his life. Humanity truly is an ignorant species, he thought, no matter how observant people try to appear.

Boniver's monitor beeped. He turned around to see hundreds of pieces  of text in bubbles on the screen. There were requests from the many workers on the 'Boat', as Phoenix dubbed it, as well as questions from passengers and workers alike. He leaned forward, swiping his hand in front of the monitor screen, and the numerous bubbles of text disappeared, leaving a blank screen. Boniver was a thinking man, not a working man. That's why he was elected this position as Captain in the first place - to make decisions. He felt no desire to fulfill people's petty requests. That's what Phoenix was for. Phoenix was much more than a navigator; in fact, he was more like Boniver's assistant. All in all, he didn't seem to mind handling Boniver's pet peeves. They did have a lot of built trust between them over the years, and he didn't doubt for a second that Phoenix could handle it without a problem. All those years of pioneering the -

"Captain, we're ready for takeoff from Alpha." Boniver turned around to see Bates staring at him from the monitor screen.

"Alright, let's start with the preliminary checks."

"Already taken care of, sir, by Phoenix."

The Captain smirked. "Let's hit it, then. Initiate Alpha run to Gamma-A118..."

The 'Boat' started to shake as a quantum hole ripped open in front of the ship and sent them to the other side of the galaxy. The Captain opened his eyes to behold the gigantic planet Gamma.

-----

"Welcome to planet Gamma. It is 7 PM Alpha 150* time. Enjoy your stay." Captain Boniver stood up from his desk and stretched. The five seconds of going through a quantum hole can really make one's muscles stiff. Boniver mused over the thought.

Boniver heard a voice behind him. "Captain."

"Oh, hello, Phoenix."
Phoenix handed him a glass tablet, from which glowed numbers and letters that, obviously enough, stood for something. Boniver remembered how different colonies had different formats for templates.

"That's our schedule on Gamma. We'll be here until dawn tomorrow, after the dawn today, when it comes. Oh, and..." Phoenix leaned over and tapped on the glass. The format changed to the Alpha template. "There you go. See you at the screening room?"

"Thanks, and yeah... I suppose."

"... Oh?" Phoenix implied an explanation.

"It's just... It seems... Unnecessary. They've been saying that this is the birth, the start of a new generation. I mean, it's great that we're expanding and all..." Boniver stammered. Phoenix stared at him. He sighed. "I don't know, maybe I'm just being nostalgic."

"I think it's good to be a little nostalgic sometimes," Phoenix replied.

"Yeah." The Captain stared out the bridge windows at the majestic view beyond.

"Come on. Your wife's waiting at the screening room." Phoenix led the Captain to the docks.

-----

The Captain followed Phoenix into the screening room. In the room were several rows of soft leather chairs that could be set back for the viewer to be able to see the screen on the ceiling. Boniver scanned the room until he saw his wife, Loraine, sitting nearby. "Quinn!" She came running into a big hug with Boniver. "I was wondering if you would come."

"Well, I'm wondering if I'll even stay, especially now that I know you're here," Quinn teased.

"Oh hush," Loraine smirked. "Come on, Dear, you're about to witness something truly special! The birth of a new generation!"

"Meh, that's what they all say..."

"At least come and enjoy the sight."

Quinn sighed. "Oh, Alright..."

The three of them sat down in the padded leather seats as people continued to fill the room, Loraine and Quinn holding hands. Once there were no seats left, the lights went down and the seats rolled back to allow the viewers to see the screen. Light filtered through the screen to present the once-in-a-lifetime phenomenon - the birth of a star, and the birth of civilizations. Loraine squeezed his hand with excitement.

Phoenix leaned over to Quinn and said, "Looks like you have more format templates to learn."

*Time zones are determined by degrees on Alpha. The reason he mentioned the 150 degree's time is because one of the planet's largest cities and most populated areas resides in that time zone.

 

Posted Jun 15, '12 at 11:52am

MegaIPOD

MegaIPOD

368 posts

Great so far, you better not leave this one like the NaNoWriMo one.

 

Posted Jun 15, '12 at 1:47pm

MegaIPOD

MegaIPOD

368 posts

Great story. Just don't leave it like the NanoWriMo one.

 

Posted Jun 15, '12 at 2:00pm

jeol

jeol

3,565 posts

Thanks :) I'll try not to.

Any more critiques before I try and start on the next chapter? I still need to think up a plot... :S I guess I should get brainstormin'.

 

Posted Jun 24, '12 at 10:02pm

jeol

jeol

3,565 posts

I guess I should give some sort of update, seeing as it has been a while since I've given an update. Okay? Okay. :D

I'm still working out the tiny details in the plot, deciding what I want and what I don't want, and whatever twists I want to incorporate into the story. I'm trying not to think too hard, though, since sometimes I get excited and then everything goes into a crazy jumbled mixture of liquid that is similar to Kool-Aid, but less tangy. Anyways, whatever the plot ends up tasting like shouldn't affect the next chapter too much, so I'll get started on that and hopefully have something tomorrow. Now, back to the writing block and teh Philosophi.

 

Posted Jun 25, '12 at 9:04pm

jeol

jeol

3,565 posts

Chapter 1: The Council.

Humanity is truly an ignorant species. Captain Quinn Boniver was in front of the biggest collection of ignorance and stupidity in the galaxy. It was ironic how these nine people were the ones determining the very existence of humanity.

"You are a pioneer yourself, Captain Boniver. Why are you so opposed to the Iota Frontier?" posed Senator Hughes.

"Even a pioneer would know when to plant his feet. I'm telling you, there are dangers unknown that humanity is unprepared to face," Boniver replied. The Iota Frontier was a cluster of stars that formed a shield around a mass consisting of some of the most valuable materials known to mankind and even some unknown. It was essentially a magnificent harvest, but something in Boniver made him fear of something else. He was no fearing man. "Iota is a catastrophe waiting to happen."

"No, see, that's where you're wrong." There was that stuck up ignorance again. "Iota is filled with rich resources and massive fields of energy. The only way it could go wrong is if we simply didn't get these resources."

"You are wrong and you know it." The captain bit his lip. "If -"

"Captain." VaugHern Silas Braukburn stood up from his seat. "I am afraid you have no choice in the matter. Unless you have any proof of this catastrophe you speak of, the operation will go on regardless of these arguments."

Captain Boniver raised his right eyebrow at Braukburn, who nodded his head in apology and sat down. Boniver turned around and left the room, pushing the double doors in front of him. The doors slowly began to close behind him, the strong hydraulics hissing until at last the door clicked as it closed shut.

-----

"Boniver!" The captain, as he was walking back to the Boat, turned around at the shout. It was Silas. "Look, I must apologize for what happened back there." Silas stepped forward until they were face to face. "The Council doesn't understand anything but their own wills."

"Isn't a man's gut feeling logical enough to them?"

"Not to them... All they care about is power."

"Why do you associate yourself with these buffoons, then?"

"You know that if I wasn't in the Council, they would have destroyed humanity years ago."

"Then why didn't you say something? Surely you may save humanity yet again."

"Because they may soon enough vote me out of the Council. I hardly am able to voice my own opinion as it is."

Captain Boniver looked out the dock windows of Gamma toward the bright light provided by a twenty year-old star, of which he had seen the birth. He sighed.

"Look," Silas quietly mumbled. "I will try my hardest to get the Council to at least understand where you're coming from, but I will guarantee nothing. I may just as well cause us to be banished from the galaxy. You know how the Council can be."

Boniver snorted. "Very well. I'll be in my ship."

-----

Boniver sighed. It had been twenty years since the birth of Delta, and over that time entire worlds were being constructed. Most of the pieces were being constructed on Gamma and then shipped to space and pieced together. In the center of these 'planets' were complex energy systems, designed to provide clean sustaining energy. So far, only one entire planet had been built, though they had been building the pieces for the planet long before Delta was born. Boniver looked at the star. It was incredibly bright for such a young star, especially considering how small scientists estimated it was. He stepped back from the window and headed back to the Boat, his ship and home for the past thirty years. Home.

Boniver's conscience bugged him terribly. The Iota Frontier was thin ice, but as to why was beyond his level comprehension. All of those years of pioneering the galaxy, one thing he had learned: you take what you can get. The Iota shield must be guarding something, but something more than what is visible. He pondered for a moment if his conscience was bugging him truthfully, but he refused to admit that his conscience was wrong. There is something wrong - right? He wondered. He realized that there was no way to discover unless the Iota Frontier itself was explored. Just like pioneering, right? You never know what you'll run into. Boniver laughed nervously at himself.

 

Posted Jun 27, '12 at 8:52pm

Salvidian

Salvidian

3,950 posts

I hadn't any idea you were so fluent in the language of the idiots in our government.

It was ironic how these nine people were the ones determining the very existence of humanity.

*POW*
There's that opening sentence needed to grab the reader's attention. It was only slightly hinted in there, but I'm sure many got the idea that the next entry of "Vacuum Fear" will introduce us to a much larger situation, featuring more characters and bigger problems.

The history somewhat outweighs the actual material of the story released thus far. An excellent choice when introducing the story.

I know I didn't really reflect on the story itself, but I wanted to give you some information pertaining to your writing ability. I don't have a lot to go over, but I hope that helps!

 
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