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fella001

  • Member since: 3/18/2010
  • Gender: Male
 
 

About

A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Winston Chirchill     

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

                                       
Two muffins in an oven.
"Oh my gosh, we're gonna die!" said the first muffin.
"Oh my gosh, a talking muffin!" said the second.

   6 Secret Truths in Life:
1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. And discover that the first truth is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

Pass it on if you're an idiot who fell for it!(I did)

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." They're things people actually said in court, word for word.
Q:What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteen.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
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Q:What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A:Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget.Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
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Q:How old is your son, the one living with you?
A:Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q:How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years
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Q:What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A:He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q:And why did that upset you?
A:My name is Susan.
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Q:And where was the location of the accident?
A:Approximately milepost 499.
Q:And where is milepost 499?
A:Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
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Q:Sir, what is your IQ?
A:Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
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Q:Did you blow your horn or anything?
A:After the accident?
Q:Before the accident.
A:Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
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Q:Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q:Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A:Yes, sir.
Q:What did she say?
A:What disco am I at?
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Q:Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
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Q:The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
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Q:Were you present when your picture was taken?
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Q:Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
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Q:Did he kill you?
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Q:How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
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Q:You were there until the time you left, is that true?
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Q:How many times have you committed suicide?
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Q:So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q:And what were you doing at that time?
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Q:She had three children, right?
A: Yes. Q:How many were boys?
A: None. Q:Were there any girls?
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Q:You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes. Q:And these stairs, did they go up also?
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Q:Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A:I went to Europe, Sir.
Q:And you took your new wife?
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Q:How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q:And by whose death was it terminated?
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Q:Can you describe the individual?
A:He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q:Was this a male, or a female?
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Q:Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A:No, this is how I dress when I go to work
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Q:Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A:All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
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Q:All your responses must be oral, OK?What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
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Q:Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A:The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q:And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A:No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
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Q:Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
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Q:Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q:Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q:Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q:So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q:How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A:Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q:But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A:It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
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Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

How to Know it is 2012 Guide

1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.

2.) You haven't played solitaire with real cards for years

3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they don't have a screen name or my space

4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV

6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.

7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.

8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.

9.) And you were too busy to notice number 5.

10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5.

11.) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly.

12.) Put this in your profile if you fell for that... and you know you did.

Anyone with more stupid timewasting junk, please tell me.

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