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monkeydude2

  • Member since: 11/16/2010
  • Gender: Male
 
 

About

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Irish Diplomacy

The ability to tell a man to go to hell so he will look forward to the trip

~۞ monkeydude2 ۞~

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"Sir, there're 2 scouts from the enemy!"
"Excellent! Wait till they're right in line so I can kill 2 soldiers with 1 bullet!"

"Sir, we're under attack!"
"Excellent! We get to hide and shoot while they charge and get shot!"

"Sir, we only have guns - they have tanks!"
"Excellent! We get to steal their tanks!"

"Sir, they outnumber us 10 to 1!"
"Excellent, that makes it easier to aim!"

"Sir, we're surrounded!"
"Excellent, now we can attack in any direction!"

"Sir, there're only 2 of us left!"
"Excellent! That means we get all the glory!"
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The reasons I hate people

1.People who point at their wrist while asking for the time...
I know where my watch is pal, where the crap is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their butts to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Dang right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look".
Of course it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "Did you see that?"
No stupid, I paid 10 dollars to come to the movies and stare at the frikin floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"
Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!’
Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "Life is short".
What the ****?? Life is the longest dang thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?"
If the bus came would I be standing here, retard?

10. People who say things like "My eyes aren't what they used to be."
So what did they used to be? Ears? Fingers!?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that good?'
No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet.
Thanks, that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering...
It has to be a McChicken Burger, NOT just a Chicken Burger; that gets you blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you Mcfriking McTosser.

14. When you’re involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?'
Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.
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Think about it

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

6. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

7. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

8. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

9. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

10. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

11. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

12. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

14. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

15. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

16. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

17. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,
'What the heck happened?'

18. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

19. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

20. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

21. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

22. If violence solves nothing how do they end wars?

23. If you're undead then can I be unalive?
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MENS RULES

We always hear "the rules" from the female point of view... Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation or video games.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
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In Honor of Stupid People

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap,"
(and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late,)

On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my ..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Korean Kitchen Knife -- Keep out of children.
(Which one is out?)

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