Oh man! I have a ton. Hmm... here's one from the Vicious Circle (a hilarious stand-up comedy by Dane.) Ok, I'm going to skip a lot because it's long. Dane gets "sneezed on" by a different person that he doesn't know. Here's where I'll start. "I turned to the man and I said, God bless you (serious, semi-angry voice). Yeah yeah, I said it like that, God bless you. Which is really God bless you, but it sorta sounds like "Cover your F***ing mouth." Haha. So get this, this is what the guy comes back and says.. "Uhh..umm..I'm an athiest." Heh, what a jerk right? What I am I supposed to know what to say when an athiest sneezes? Uhh..nothing happens to you when you die. *I'm going to skip a bit here, after we have the idea.* Ok, he asks me what I think happens to me when I die. Well, hopefully I live a long, good life and when I die I will go up to heaven and meet with some family and what not. He starts laughing...He starts laughing at my beliefs. Ok, so I all of a sudden, turn and I'm like *NOTE* *HERE'S WHERE IT GETS GOOD.* "Ok, what about you, what about you, You're an athiest, what does that mean?, what happens to you when you die?" Well now he starts to get all serious like he's guna school me. He turns to me and says "Oh I can tell you, I can tell you what will happen to me when I die. When I die, I will become one with this earth. I will be a fertilizer for this planet. From that, I will return as a huge beautiful tree." He's laughing at my beliefs, he's guna come back as a f***ing ficus. Yeah, yeah. Johnny Weeping Willow over here. You know what, I hope when he does die, he does return as a tree, and I do hope he enjoys it. But wouldn't it be just fantastic while he was out there just enjoying his treeness, a huge sweaty guy with an axe comes by, sees him, points him out *chop* *chop* *chop* Chops him down, SMASH, wrap a chain around him, carry him through the mud and the muck, throw him into a sawmill, pound him down into paper, and once he's paper, you print the Bible on him!
