ForumsThe TavernWrite a 1 paragraph Story

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Stirke
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Stirke
78 posts
Peasant

I've been looking at old posts trying to revive them but this should be better the rules are simple write a 5-10 sentence story that's it thay can go off of each other if you want or end it with your last sentence and you can't double post.
I wake up in my tent at dawn to a battle in the valley below. The next moment i run with my sword down the cliff into the thick of the battle. Killing all who are in my presence i see only death and destruction laughing madly from start to finish. That evening i burn all the bodies of the hated opposing armies together in a pit clensing the valley of the death and blood. As i look toward the city to the west in the morning i see a single man on horseback riding in the distance having to abandon his steed due to the steep slopes to my camp. When he made it to the top at dusk he drew his greataxe to my broadsword. Till dawn we fought his surprising speed to my overwhelming skill not giving more than a minute for a break then back to more than 40 clashes a minute. An hour past dawn rain started on top of the valley, but nowhere else that day, making the fight more tiresome to our great fatigue. As the guardian of the valley I fought the stranger until that noon then he made a mistake by becoming frustratedand becoming wild in his attacks he died by my sword through his heart. After giving him a proper burial i had to stop another clash of the kingdoms using my valley as a battleground only to continue the process until the strangers son slain me 20 years later only to take my place as the guardian like his father died in his attempt.

any comments?

  • 3 Replies
MissingTeddyHanssen
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MissingTeddyHanssen
446 posts
Nomad

Good job! You should get a merit on this one! ;P Lolz.. Just kidding. I just want to leave a comment on your thread.. I noticed that whenever you write the letter "i" like in:

..proper burial i had to stop another clash of the kingdoms..


You should write that one as a capital letter, so that the result would be this:

..proper burial I had to stop another clash of the kingdoms..


See? It looks good.. I just want to correct you on that one. I know.. This is just the forums.. But I hope you'd learn the right way to write a paragraph in the near future.
RaptorExx
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RaptorExx
2,204 posts
Farmer

Yeah um..........wait why was everyone fighting again? Okay, couple points I don't get or have to...point out? =o

1) Did the guy drink coffee in the morning or something cause geez he got up and started killing everyone all the sudden and wow, interesting way to wake up, I guess you he could sleep through a lot since the battle was already going when he woke up. I don't he even changed clothes eh?
2) 40 clashes per minute? That's pretty freakin fast for a broadsword and a greataxe, oh well, it's a story so it can be like that =D
3) This one's serious compared to the other two, the ending was too fast, was weird and it's just like going to a party and introducing a distant relative:
"Who's this?"
"Oh it's my brother's sister's cousin's uncle of my father's mother's aunt-twice-removed's father Bob." yah?

Sorry if I sound like a jerk or something, it was just a couple things I HAD to point out, however it's okay but if it weren't restricted to a single paragraph I'd say it needs more detail in the whole battle and especially the end =^|

Stirke
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Stirke
78 posts
Peasant

good points to make
1)the battle below woke him up plus he's a light sleeper and he always wears a leather set of armor
2)i made the speed 40 clashes to show the intensity of the battle and the day at that tempo gave me the sense of will between each of the fighters should have been like 15-25 to make it more realistic
3)sorry for the lose ends but i didn't ever think of this story before so all off the top of my head since i can usually work out the plot flaws and the details came to me late in my typing
4)there is a kingdom on each side of the valley and the quickest way was through the guardian's valley
5)the strangers son coming gave it more closure to me but it can confuse those who don't read the details and my bad sentence transition didn't help either thanks for the constructive criticism
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x___________----------------------_________x
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^= mountains x =kingdom ___=road ----=valley 00000000=Guardian's camp

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