Forums → The Tavern → Dear Aknerd

Dear Aknerd,

What is the meaning of life?

Dear Unsigned,

Life?
42.

But to be more original, life is all about not dying. Consider how many times in your life you have not died. Like, a lot, right? There you go. Life is made up of infinite undying moments.

Sincerely, Aknerd

Dear Aknerd,

When will Arsenal end its trophy drought?

Dear Unsigned,

Approximately when Americans start caring about soccer. Prospects: not so great. Have you considered simply changing your loyalties to a better, less horrible team? Next time you watch a soccer game, root for the team that's going to win. It helps if you record the game, then watch it after read the results in the paper. Watch your confidence and quality of life soar!

Sincerely,
Aknerd

Dear Aknerd,

Did the ancient Mayans really predict the world would end on 2012 or did they mean something else and some human messed up the system?

Dear Unsigned,

Actually, the Mayans predicted not the end of THE world, but the end of Burrito World, the classy Mexican restaurant just around the corner. At 12:01 this morning (in whatever timezone the Mayans where in), the restaurant did indeed burn to the ground in a mysterious fire. Confusion over this prediction probably arose over the Mayan's great love for burritos, which resulted in this fine delicacy being often represented by important symbols, which were also used to represent other important things like the entire planet.

While the world will mourn the loss of Burrito World, the destruction of one restaurant is probably not as bad as the Apocalypse. Also, the owners knew about the actual prediction, and had the building insured for several millions dollars.

Sincerely,
Aknerd

Dear Unsigned,

Approximately when Americans start caring about soccer. Prospects: not so great. Have you considered simply changing your loyalties to a better, less horrible team? Next time you watch a soccer game, root for the team that's going to win. It helps if you record the game, then watch it after read the results in the paper. Watch your confidence and quality of life soar!

Sincerely,
Aknerd

Dear Aknerd, you seem to have never really understood the meaning of club loyalty. Question, when will Van Persie get injured again?

Dear Aknerd,

What career path are you pursuing?

When will Koei create another good Dynasty Warriors game?

Dear Unsigned,

To answer your first question: A paying one. Probably involving trees. Hopefully not cutting them down (unless they are invasive).

For your second: Never. Koei will attempt to produce a new game, but will be bought up an American game company. The first game produced after the merger will be just god awful, and everybody at Koei will kill themselves out of shame. It will go down as the most tragic tale in all of gaming history.

Sincerely,
Aknerd

Dear Aknerd,

Why did the Mayans troll us? Were they trying to prove they can be 1337 even in the 21st century?

Sincerely,

Spirit

Dear Spirit,

The Mayans trolled us in order to humble us. For we, after having so far, after having achieved so much, still have done nothing with our lives today more Facebook worthy than making some jab at the Mayans. Truly, if this is the state of the world, maybe the Apocalypse already happened.

Sincerely,
Aknerd

P.S. Congrats on being the first person to post who knows how to write a letter.

Dear Aknerd,

What Year is this? All I remember is it was 1812 and I fell into a Whirlpool thing. Now there's talk of 2012.

Sincerely, Spirit

P.S Make sure to reply to my other letter.

I'm sorry to say that it is, indeed, 2012. Here's a time travel tip: find your nearest graphing calculator, and try to determine what decade the technology is from. Then, add 20 years. Easy! The tried-and-true method of simply looking at a newspaper is unreliable. Newspaper journalists are notorious pranksters, and relish the opportunity to mess with time travelers.

Don't worry about it too much, 1812 was a rather dull year after all. Try to enjoy your new present! Have you played Angry Birds yet? It's Fantastic!

Sincerely,
Aknerd

P.S. Sorry, my advice was required at an U.N. meeting, and I had to step out for a bit.

Dear Aknerd, you seem to have never really understood the meaning of club loyalty. Question, when will Van Persie get injured again?

Dear Unsigned,

You seem to have never really understood proper letter writing etiquette. But to answer your question, Van Persie will get injured again on January 1st, at approximately 2:30 in the morning. The incident will take place at a New Year's Eve party at one of his friend's house. Van Persie will engage a teammate (well, former teammate, given his recent transfer to Manchester United) in a rousing bout of table tennis. Onlookers will gather around the table, enchanted by the display of reflexes and skill. Among them will include a mysterious women, whom (known only to the two of them) Van Persie is having an affair with. Perhaps too taken up with the shear intensity of the game, the women will shout a word of encouragement. Distracted by a sound that Van Persie associates with secrecy and lust, he will turn his head, only to have the ball smash into his ear and his opponent secure the final point. Shamed into carelessness by his loss, he leaves with his mistress to seek comfort in a hotel room. His wife, who was also at the party, follows them, and, upon finding them, throws the nearest lamp at Van Persie's head. He ends up with a broken marriage and several stitches.

Or something like that.

Sincerely,
Aknerd