ForumsArt, Music, and Writing"Betrayed by a Criminal?" I wrote this when I was bored- Drago9292

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drago9292
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drago9292
90 posts
Shepherd

"No, don't!" "YOU LYING ****" "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE!" "LIAR!" Then Bruce charged at Jack full force and slammed him into a wall, knocking the air out of Jack's lungs. "Cant we just *cough cough* talk about this?" Jack was trying to speak. "HELL NO, WE USE TO BE BEST FRIENDS! You just... The money, you havn't been the same since we got that **** money Jack!" "What do you mean?" "Like this! You just think you can buy your way into or out of anything! You payed a hobo to run through a busy street, during rush hour... Then you payed your way out of the draft!" "Hey! Don't you dare talk about the draft! You didn't go either!" "You shot me in the leg when I found you last time!" "That's beside the point, you have done bad things with the money too!" "Oh yeah? NAME ONE!" "You uhh, hired illegal immigrants to build a house for no pay!" "That was a school house for under-privileged children! And those weren't illegal immigrants! And they offered to help me build it for no pay!" "Oh... Well um.. Err... Can you let me down now?" Bruce had been holding Jack up against the wall throughout the entire conversation. 'Not until you tell me why!" "Why what?" "Why are you like this now? I had to look for you for 2 months! Then I find you, and you shoot me in the leg! I hired a private detective to help me find you the second time! We used to be best friends man! BEST FRIENDS, MAN!!!" "Well, here is my view on the situation, we were once best friends, yes. Well... Err, times change. People change. Life changes. I learned, after we got the money, that posessions were more important than friendship, so i drugged you in your sleep, took most of the money and ran... I left you a note!" "Oh yeah... I brought that note here, let me read it to you." Bruce let Jack down off the wall, while pulling a knife off of his belt. Jack saw the blade and tried to crawl away, but Bruce dug it deep into Jack's thigh so he couldn't escape, luckily for Jack, Bruce had learned where all the vital organs in the body were, and avoided them. Bruce pulled out his wallet and removed a crumpled piece of paper from inside it. Bruce began to read, while Jack was still squirming on the ground. "Ehem, Dear Bruce, I drugged you in your sleep and took most of the money, I will never see you again because I will not let you find me. By the time you have read this note i will have been moving for hours, so there is NO point in you trying to catch me. You always wanted some distance from me, right? Well, I granted you your wish... Heh, im over-staying my welcome, have a nice life... Just kidding, you can rot for all I care. -Jack

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IceClaw247
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IceClaw247
843 posts
Jester

Interesting subject matter, needs a bit of editing though, first off I think you need to start a new paragraph after each speech which will make the story much easier to read. There is a lot of action going on, things almost move a bit too fast, if you had more descriptive text it would break up the story a bit more helping the reader get to grips with the main storyline of the broken down relationship between Jack and Bruce I believe? I'm sure you can expand on this with a wider range of vocabulary as there is mystery now, wondering where does Jack go and does he get caught by the police? I'm starting to make my own answers up in my head now ahah, good job man.

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