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A Review On: Stilhaus Kitchens Reviews!

Posted Apr 3, '14 at 5:12pm

blk2860

blk2860

10,796 posts

3/10

I don't know, the kitchens they make can't compress into a Pepsi can for quick kitchen camouflage purposes. They're just not portable. Also, just after I bought mine, I slipped on the floor, decked myself on the counter, and broke seven of my teeth. I sued for 18,000 dollars, but they broke into my house, and erased all of the footage that my CCTV camera caught of the incident. Then, they collected the blood, and are now cloning me. I copyrighted myself in 1999, so what they did was illegal. But seriously, the floor is just so shiny! That almost makes up for all of it!

So yeah, that's my review. (I love this thread. It's just... awesome.)

 

Posted Apr 3, '14 at 5:33pm

FishPreferred

FishPreferred

1,915 posts

Also, just after I bought mine, I slipped on the floor, decked myself on the counter, and broke seven of my teeth.


Didn't you send their brochure to 20 friends? I think that's on the order form/liability waiver somewhere.
 

Posted Apr 3, '14 at 5:37pm

blk2860

blk2860

10,796 posts

Didn't you send their brochure to 20 friends? I think that's on the order form/liability waiver somewhere.


I did, but the chain letter didn't work because I left it under the barbecue sauce dispenser in the kitchen. Which by the way works really well! The only problem is it goes off at 3:00 AM every night, splattering whatever's under it. Oh, also because sometimes it accidentally dispenses human souls.
 

Posted Apr 15, '14 at 3:55am

MrDayCee

MrDayCee

11,544 posts

Moderator

Man... I've ordered my kitchens (yes, several) a few weeks ago and they STILL haven't been delivered?!

So I called Stillhaus to ask about this huge delay and the lady that picked up the phone said it was an unfortunate chain of events that involved
- a half-eaten sandwich,
- a paperclip,
- an indoor plant,
- a roll of tape,
- a plastic cup of coffee,
- a waste bin,
- pigeon poop,
- an office chair,
- a window and
- a computer monitor...

Then she laughed... and hung up the phone! Wut?! (oO)

How's that for service and delivery? >

 

Posted Apr 15, '14 at 4:21pm

gh0sts

gh0sts

888 posts

Man... I've ordered my kitchens (yes, several) a few weeks ago and they STILL haven't been delivered?!


You can thank the ninja bunny hit squad. They've terminated all kitchen purchasing services. Unfortunately, with the ninja bunny hit squad, there are no refunds.
 

Posted Apr 15, '14 at 5:58pm

FishPreferred

FishPreferred

1,915 posts

Last Wednesday I bought my new kitchen from a competent supplier. Well, when I say "bought", I mean I signed the papers, wrote a cheque, and everything, but...I'm not sure if the purchase applies now that the furniture outlet has exploded. Police suspect it was arson, but it didn't seem likely for such a big company. I mean, they never even had a liquidation sale or anything.

I tried calling the main branch, but when they picked up there was just a weird...gargling sound and the connection dropped. I wasn't sure what to make of it. Then that news report yesterday on the disappearance of the company executives along with all the account records; I only caught a glimpse before the camera changed, but I swear I could see "STILH" in the gashes on the office wall, right above the weird little dent shaped like a maltese cross. What's even stranger is that one of the investigators in the background looked a lot like the stilhaus delivery guy, and he kept putting things from the scene into his pocket.

Now I suspect stilhaus has a record of my purchase, which is a bit unsettling considering how insistent they were about making another sale. There's already a box truck idling a short way down the street with what looks like the stilhaus logo under a thin layer of paint, and every now and then I see some workmen carry another big roll of linoleum out to it. I mean REALLY big. You could probably carry a step ladder or an extra guy in one of those.

Maybe there's a simple explanation to all this, though. Yeah, I'm sure it's just normal stuff. Anyway, that's my follow-up report.

 

Posted Apr 15, '14 at 6:28pm

MattEmAngel

MattEmAngel

7,322 posts

I can't really say I'm satisfied with my Stilhaus Kitchen, what with it being installed by a team of lemurs with power tools and mullets. They left a large hole in the center of my living room, roughly the size of my living room, where they attempted to install a Stillhaus Living Room but couldn't because the installation instructions were eaten by one of them.

The biggest issue is that the Automatic Can Dispenser that was spot welded to the refrigerator refuses to dispense anything but Coca Cola products. I'm not sure how it discriminated between the brands, but if it encounters a different one it crushes it, bends the metal into a spearhead and fires it at the nearest moving object. My neighbors are a tad upset about the sudden loss of their cat, Mittens. They demand that I at least clean up the blood.

It's also constructed entirely of asbestos and emits mustard gas. Please remove it.

 

Posted Apr 15, '14 at 6:36pm

MattEmAngel

MattEmAngel

7,322 posts

I'm fairly certain that my Stilhaus Kitchen is responsible for property damage, loss of electricity, higher insurance rates, crime, the Black Plague, malaria, Jihad, Bloody Sunday (1920, 1965 and 1972), the Illuminati, government conspiracy theories, racism, the death of Eddard Stark, leprosy, schizophrenia, Justin Bieber, the upcoming zombie apocalypse, tapeworms, "The Last Airbender (2010)," the Cold War, vampire romance novels, "Jersey Shore" and My Little Pony fanfics.

 

Posted Apr 16, '14 at 7:23pm

MrDayCee

MrDayCee

11,544 posts

Moderator

This is SO much fun!!! ^^

 

Posted Apr 16, '14 at 7:58pm

Jacen96

Jacen96

3,161 posts

[quote=BLK]the kitchens they make . . . compress into a Pepsi can . . . portable.[/quote]

Thank you for your wonder review of our product.

~~~Darth Caedus

 
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