This is what happens when I try to make a forum game. I accept no liability for any damage to property, credibility, or brain tissue, any loss of funds, memory, hair, children, or limbs, nor for any locust plague, gravy explosion, excessive hair growth, uncontained singularity, bread cancer, economic collapse, noise pollution, nuclear disaster, or power ballad which may result directly or indirectly from the existence of this thread.
How this supposedly works: This is loosely based on another humourous writing game called Advertising Shmadvertising. The purpose is to write a silly/absurd/incomprehensible PSA from a ficticious 1984-style ministry (see here).
-----------format-----------
FROM: The Ministry of [one or more things]
TO: The people of Armoria
Guidelines:
1 - Your message should be longer than one or two lines. Stuff in some legal jargon if you need more content.
2 - Try to impose some kind of demand or restriction (or both) on the general populace.
3 - You may not represent the Ministry of Forgiveness. You may, however use it as an incentive for people to obey your demands/restrictions.
4 - Give your ministry a name that contradicts what it does. For example, if you represent the Ministry of Hope, it should be extremely pessimistic.
5 - Don't do anything to violate site/forum rules, lest you incur the eternal wrath of the Ministry of Forgiveness.
6 - Feel free to contradict, subvert, or add special conditions to anything stated by another ministry, provided that it complies with #5.
FROM: The Ministry of Freedom
TO: The people of Armoria
It has come to our attention that certain individuals, hereafter referred to as "the Players", are acting outside the generous limitations imposed by the Ministry of Freedom, hereafter referred to as "the Ministry of Freedom", upon the speech, actions, beliefs, and thoughts of the people of Armoria, hereafter referred to as "Citizens". We of the Ministry of Freedom will not tolerate any attempt on the part of the Players to subvert these limitations by impersonating other Ministries in making falsified public announcements, hereafter referred to as "Announcements". The Ministry of Freedom urges all Citizens to disregard any and all Announcements with the following characteristics:
-Purportedly issued by any of numerous Ministries, some of which may not exist.
-Misrepresenting those Ministries with statements contrary to their specialization.
-Imposing unlawful, hypocritical, or highly implausible demands upon Citizens.
-Originating from sources which fail to present any verifiable credentials.
-Appended to a list of like Announcements in an area of illicit forum-based entertainment.
Any Citizen found to be propagating or acting in accordance with these Announcements is to be reported to the Ministry of Forgiveness for immediate execution.
FROM: The Ministry of HOLY LORD GABEN (Formerly religious affairs)
TO: The people of Armoria
Following a departmental shake up the following regulations now apply to all citizens:
- Citizens must partake in three acts of worship of our holy father Gaben per day. The permitted acts are: Ritual morris dancing, kissing your government issue photograph of Gaben for three minutes or more, and covering one's naked body in gravy.
- All objects bearing the number three are heretical and must be destroyed.
- Participation in Steam sales is mandatory.
- Anyone found to have their frame rate dropping below 60fps will be publicly waxed.
- To show solidarity with our lord, all citizens must become the same mass as Gaben within three months of receiving this notice.
Sincerely,
Pittar Mollynew,
High priest in the church of our lord Gaben.
FROM: The Ministry of Entertainment
TO: The people of Armoria
This is a reminder that, as of yesterday's ruling, all expressions of excitement, joy, or amusement are strictly prohibited except on the thirty-first of each month, upon which they are decreed mandatory by the Ministry of Entertainment. Furthermore, weekly entertainment rations to every household shall be further reduced by 15% per capita, in order to accomodate for the growing populace and possible future privation.
~~~~~~~~
████ █████████
Self-Appointed Head of the Ministry of Freedom and the Ministry of Entertainment.
FROM: The Ministry of Moderation (recently created by the merging of the following Ministries: Internal Affairs, External Affairs, Defense, Protection, Justice and Communications)
TO: The People of Armoria
It has come to our attention that, contrary to the announcement of the Ministry of Freedom in October 23rd 2015, misinformation and unruly behavior in general in the kingdom of Armoria is at an all time low, according to this decade's statistics, published by the Ministry of Attractive People. It is always a pleasure to see our efforts bear fruit. Therefore, we would like to thank all citizens for avoiding misinformation, encouraging healthy dialogue as a means of information trade, following the established rules and regulations for standard communication and in general behaving in accordance to the Armorian Constitution's specifications.
We would also like to warn the minority disobeying the above mentioned rules and regulations that violation of said rules is punishable by law, according to the article 249994/3ab-d-ii): 6 - j, paragraph Zeta-o-976 of the Armorian Constitution.
FROM: The Ministry of Public Awareness and Transparency
TO: The people of Armoria
Effective immediately, any act performed by any citizen which is liable to subvert, misuse, or infringe upon the terms outlined in ███████████ of ████████████████████████████████████████, including but not limited to ███████ or ███████████ behaviour, ██████████████████, public loitering, ███████████████ or █████████████ without the express permission of the Ministry of Justice, and malicious acts of contempt will result in one or more of the following penalties:
-Probation and fees of up to 1800AP upon suspicion of an implicit offence.
-Forced solitary confinement upon suspicion of an explicitly stated offence.
-Public flogging upon conviction of a first offence.
-████████████████████ upon conviction of a repeat offence, or any breach of ████████████ stipulated regulations.
-████████████████████ without relief periods for any offence which is deemed to have potentially resulted in loss of intellectual property valued at 20AP or greater by the Ministry of Charity.
-Removal of one or more ████████████████ for any offence which is deemed unlawful by the █████████████████ or any official acting on behalf of the aforementioned.
That is all. May Gaben be with you.
~~~~~~~~
████ █████████
█████████████████ and Self-Appointed Head of the Ministry of Freedom, the Ministry of Entertainment, and the Ministry of Public Awareness and Transparency.
FROM: The Ministry of Produce
TO: The people of Armoria
Due to the excess amounts of produce in the factories, we would like to inform you all that all standard processing of canned goods is now legal for poor citizens to consume. Another law that will be enacted soon is the mandatory eating of canned lettuce in state penitentiaries. Those prisoners who do not comply will be punished with 15 years in prison working for the mattress company. Finally, fruits in vegetables are in short supply due to farm workers protesting over a lack of health care benefits.
May Gaben be with you.
Sincerely,
Dyrk Tators Hyhpp, Head of the Ministry of Produce
FROM: The Ministry of Ministries (also known as the Ministry of Administration)
To: The people of Armoria
Dear Citizens
Due to the sudden increase in ministries, all citizens are now required to voluntarily work a total of at least 60 hours per week each, in the Ministry nearest to their residence. Citizens may choose the time they begin their shift and the time it ends each day, provided that they complete a total of 60 hours of work per week as mentioned above.
We would also like to remind the citizens that the available timeframe is 10:00 AM - 10:15 AM and 10:00 PM - 10:15 PM for the start and end of their voluntary work shift respectively, as mentioned in the article 663001/9fq-a-ix): 9 - a, paragraph Omega-t-304 of the Armorian Constitution.
Thank You
[Signed, approved and published by the Ministry of Moderation]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: The Ministry of Tolerance
TO: The people of Armoria
In accordance with the newly-amended Statute of Total Religious Acceptance, worship of any kind may only be performed by full citizens having no criminal record or outstanding debts and carrying a valid Faithspeaking Permit. All permit requests must be submitted to the Ministry of Tolerance, along with a 300AP (non-returnable) consideration fee and any required documents, a minimum of one full fiscal year before the evaluation date. Furthermore, any use of the terms "██████", "████", "██████", "███", "████", "████", or any derivative thereof, in any context, is punishable by 20 years of forced solitary confinement (in addition to any further penalties that the Ministry of Forgiveness may deem appropriate).
Any person acting or speaking in support of the Ministry of ████ ████ GABEN, or any organization sympathetic to same is to be charged with and convicted of high treason. All citizens are urged to report any unlawful religious activity to the nearest authorities. Failure to do so will be regarded as an act of aiding and abetting fugitives.
May no one in particular be with you.
~~~~~~~~
████ █████████
█████████████████ and Self-Appointed Head of the Ministry of Freedom, the Ministry of Entertainment, the Ministry of Public Awareness and Transparency, and the Ministry of Tolerance.
FROM: The Ministry for Truth.
TO: The people of Kong
We have been getting an above average amount of complaints concerning the subject of people telling more then their weekly amount of truth, this overuse of the truth shall now be dealt with accordingly;
-The rate of lying has been increased by 60%
-Mandatory polygraph tests to catch out truthers
-If you find any people telling the truth to you once they have exceeded their limit of truth then you are to immediately to turn them into the ministry, for a bounty of 100 armoria bucks.
-These can be used in any government run shop. Otherwise this form of currency is useless in other stores or outside the country.
-Otherwise you shall be excommunicated to Kong.
FROM: The Ministry Of Safe Science
TO: The people of armonia
It has come to my attention that People have been removing Our [Redacted] Science brand Radioactive Signs with Extra Radiation or R.S.E.R As a result we have Increased uranium levels in the sign by 300% making it too lethal to touch without wearing Our [Redacted] Science brand Radiation Emancipating and Direct Operation Suit or REaDOS On a side note: All wall paints must now be made of Asbestos and Moon rocks
FROM: The Ministry of Unity
To: The People of Armoria
Dear Citizens
A group of espionage experts, saboteurs and assassins has infiltrated our warm and welcoming kingdom with venomous intent at heart.
We must regrettably confirm that, due to this security breach, a general alert is now in effect. All citizens are encouraged to avoid social interactions with each other, immediately report suspicious activities they notice to the authorities, keep a close watch on their neighbors and remain vigilant in general.
Instruction manuals with detailed instructions on telling the differences between infiltrators and law-abiding citizens will be handed out, free of charge, to every citizen who visits his/her nearest Moderation Center.
We would also like to remind the citizens that harboring, assisting directly or indirectly, in the individual's knowledge or not, one or more infiltrators is illegal and grounds for prosecution, in accordance to the article 004128/2-gy-h-i):3 - x, paragraph Theta e-019 of the Armorian Constitution
- United in Service
[Signed, approved and published by the Ministry of Moderation]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Τhe Ministry of Equality
To: The People of Armoria
Dear Citizens
The majority of workers in The Armorian Forge, also known as the "programming Forum" have abandoned their posts and are now leading a strike against our perfect government. The Forge now stands inactive, its massive ancient machinery, a testament to the greatness of the kingdom.
As you are aware, workers are Fifth-Class Citizens, with rights and obligations suited to their class. Any disobedient subject is to be immediately reported to the Authorities. Members of the government are, as usual free to ask from any citizen to identify him/herself. Law-abiding citizens of the First and Second Class have nothing to fear.
We would also like to remind the citizens of the kingdom that interaction, social or otherwise, between members of different classes is strictly forbidden, and punishable, in accordance to the article 075619/8-za-i-xv):1 - a, paragraph Alpha b-162 of the Armorian Constitution
- There is Equality in Obedience
[Signed, Approved and Published by the Ministry of Moderation]
