It is time.
AG started to become a double life, it consumed too much of my time, I neglected my real life to retreat into this fairyland. Quitting may be an option, a long period of inactiveness is the least. And now I present to you my poem.
A monster mish-mash poem I wrote in a state of self-delusion, agitation, resentment, hate, love, immense self-loathing, paranoia, depression...still feeling the same. The initial half has a rhyme to it, but the later half does not. Also, I switched from four line verses, to a six line one. You may not call it a poem, it fits in the loosest sense of the word. You can say I'm whimsical or not a true poet, but I felt constrained by what people deem as a poem, I feel a poem is solely true and genuine if the writer is free to express whatever he wants. And that is what I did. Raw power of emotions. No meter, no structure, no fixed organization. Just emotions.
Linkin Park music amplified my feelings and emotions in the past week, and it infused me with a hypnotically mesmerizing blend of emotions. Any of the songs mentioned later would fit the poem, so you might want to listen to them as you read.
I would like to take the time to apologise for my constant state of depression and weariness, I know it tires and upsets the people that care for me. But I can't help it, melancholia cannot be suppressed easily. Perhaps it's because I'm too soft, perhaps it's because of my life, and perhaps it's all in my mind. Tell me I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, but if you knew my life, you'll know what AG and friends mean to me. But it's too late now, I do not care.
Go on, all of you, every single one of you, those friends, those people who actually care for me, can hammer me at being what I am, go call me emotional maniac, tell me to kill myself, tell me I'm being dumb to feel as such, call this a sick publicity stunt, tell me I'm a disgrace to everyone, for I do not care. You cannot control me nor will it ever stop me.
And finally, I'm sorry for everything I'm going to say Jess. I'm sorry for the price you must pay for me being a horrilbe person. Kill me, avoid me, shun me if you want. I'm sorry.
Songs by Linkin Park
Numb
Runaway
Easier to Run
With You
Breaking the Habit
Somewhere I Belong
Forgotten
By Myself
Papercut
Crawling
In Pieces
In Between
Leave Out All the Rest
Pushing Me Away
Valentines Day
-------------------
A Forlorn Period, A Burst Of Emotions , Cause No One Cares And No One Cries
I look into the bathroom mirror,
But all I hear is the shrill laughter.
Disembodied voices follow me,
Everything I do they will see.
The feeling of being watched,
Causes my soul to be dislodged.
I fret over every grain of sand,
In this unending wasteland.
I see things I should never do,
When time blurs and distrust grew.
Those words scratch on my walls,
They burn my eyes as they scrawl.
Hush whisperings in my ear,
They only echo my deepest fear.
They prey on my speculations,
And play with my imagination.
I turn around but no one's there,
Except a shadow over my hair.
That lingering inner tempest,
Presides over me like an Empress.
I cannot help but wonder why,
Were they tricking me on the sly?
The face inside is watching too,
The pupils red and skin blue.
Perhaps I'm thinking too damn much,
The voices entwine and clutch.
I sense a betrayal but it's only me,
Tick tock here comes the glee.
I seek the comforting heat and flames,
But I get the frigid stares and blames.
This is the last time I'll trust,
Empty promises and words rust.
Time to stop this bottling up,
Pour my remnants in a cup.
Too long have I tried to hold the dam,
An emotional wreck is what I am.
The moments of waxing and waning,
Are much too monstrous to take in.
What have I done to deserve this?
I'm not a scapegoat to fleece.
The water's muddy and dank,
The old pipes groan and clank.
I feel exactly like this little hellhole,
It's not my home it's a gaol.
Playing with the foamy shaving cream,
The vision hazes till it's dim.
Some where I belong and stay,
But it's not here, not now, nay.
It's a whirlwind inside the stronghold,
I'll do it if I'm just so bold.
Undaunted lies are on their record,
Much more than the expected.
Beneath the surface the tension rises,
Of chance meetings and bitter surprises.
The paranoia bursts through the holes,
And on these rocks I run afoul.
I don't know what set me off first,
Just know that it will not disperse.
I feel them cheat my narrow mind,
The thoughts are scattered and hard to find.
Someone's looking over my back,
Something I try hard to deflect.
The maggots burrow into my core,
And revile in my worry and gore.
I suppose my mind's just falling apart,
Just finish it off with a steel dart.
The inexplicable anxiety crushes,
Irrational thoughts flood and flush.
There's a hidden truth in my eyes,
But there's doubt in my lies.
I look around in this mistiness,
No one's there Mister Wariness.
Cause I struggle with the uneasiness,
In a state of painful wretchedness.
I will not mention these secrets,
Lest they morph to regrets.
Tender ribs hide the palpitating,
By God I need some explaining.
I blanch at the barely-hidden callousness,
The dripping water swirls the gloominess.
Time surely rides against me,
Father Chronos please set me free.
The hours fly and I'm stuck here,
It's an unknown conspiracy I fear.
Why does it feel like night today?
Tip my hat and bid good day.
The smile is just a fabrication,
To lull and numb my apprehension.
I can't bear this grey silence,
To keep me in the veil of ignorance.
That ghastly portrait twists and leers,
Like a monster it smirks and sneers.
The paranoia curls me like a fetus,
And it's Schizophrenia Maximus.
What have they done without me knowing?
Perhaps I'm just overdone with speculating.
Heard the door opening and creaking,
I raise my head from the bleeding.
And lower a small sob with it,
It's just that familiar person on a visit.
I used to have this protection,
But not now I've veered off direction.
I scream my throat dripping raw,
Till it burns and aches my jaw.
But I can't get the voices out my head,
That haunt my vision I'm afraid.
Perhaps my thoughts are erratic,
But I'm not sure if I'll ever be ecstatic.
They tell me things I never want,
Malicious Spirits are on the hunt.
They roam my hallucinations,
That scene fuels thoughtless vindication.
I smash that grinning glassy face,
But the shards still smirk and gaze.
I know the feeling of the observed,
Those memories are well preserved.
Whitewashed walls have prying ears,
Probing my mind all too crystal clear.
I know they were plotting behind my back.
My breathe escapes and my shoulders slack.
Wash those putrid thoughts in the sink,
But I can't rinse clean the vile ink.
Perhaps I'm going over the top,
But the distorted thoughts I cannot stop.
I want so desperately to get out of this mess,
But the fatal face is beneath the flesh.
You don't think I do but I sense it,
But I keep quiet and non-explicit.
I tried to sew up the broken stitches,
Yet I was drinking with the witches.
I lead a complex double life,
And it presented me only with strife.
I don't know what I fight for,
Life has never been a smooth ride before.
And this is how everything ends,
All my force and will I spend.
I know more than you think I do,
Those hollow lies I slash right through.
You think you're safe with that reason,
Let me tell you it's High King treason.
You think I'm blind and deaf,
But I see the footprints you have left.
The surface is calm but the insides not,
One wrong move and you are caught.
The swinging bathroom bulb flickers,
I have qualms about what you whisper.
My brain cannot churn up the gaps and rifts,
The immense pressure doesn't lift.
Double crossing little fairy,
I do watch whenever you tarry.
I hear more than one footstep,
There's another stalker that crept.
My thoughts are not lucid and right,
Insane chariness all in sight.
Do you know exactly how I feel?
Onion-like layers just to peel.
Bang my hands on the marbled top,
Tell the voices to halt and stop.
You push me to the corner it's checkmate,
Sorry my friend it's just your bloody fate.
I'm still surprised I didn't fall to my knees,
In this solid prison of make believe.
Or perhaps it's a room of the real,
And it's not a case of self-derail.
Don't try your tricks for unworthy fools,
Not for long will I keep the cool.
Cause I'm so much more than your lying,
I know you're hiding something.
I'm not as gullible as you wish,
The truth is not so easy to vanquish.
I feel it in my aching bones,
For your lies you will surely atone.
Wheels go round and round,
I stare at the smoke to frown.
To pull out the shrapnel from wounds,
And to empty fresh salt from a spoon.
But everything comes to an end,
And I will stop yelling to defend.
Even this agonizing period will stop,
Before my being goes over the top.
But I can't justify the way everyone looks at me,
Turn around I know you'll agree.
The cascade of voices grows and shrinks,
But they keep me sane while I think.
I have no options left again,
No one to stop this evil pain.
I don't know how I got this way,
So I cry and softly sway.
I've said I never cry,
Now I tell you it's a lie.
Fie, for the shame of my feelings,
It's a morbid kind of thinking.
I want to let go all the pain I've held so long,
And banish those bizarre feelings till they're gone.
I want to heal I want to run forever,
And to hear those voices never.
The Sun is gone and the black roses rot,
I take off the gilded golden sunglasses,
That throws a kaleidoscope of dreams at me.
Words seem like a meaningless attempt,
To extricate myself from this sordid affair,
Since when has language helped the soul?
I dreamt of a pitch black night,
Till I realized it was my final reality,
Toss the coin and make a choice.
I stand at the edge of two worlds,
I'm scared to take that step,
But no, I crave to cross the line.
Sing a sad song the notes all quavering,
One of unbreakable loneliness that suffocates,
And inexplicable downheartedness from everything.
The embodiment of everything miserable,
I tried to heave myself from the quagmire,
But everything I do fails me.
I spun myself a cloak of protection,
Nelson at Trafalgar, Bonaparte at Acre,
Black Prince at Crecy, Henry at Agincourt.
But even the master tailor's cloths,
Have their faults and niches,
To be exploited and torn apart.
When my time has eventually arrived,
Throw out all the sorry memories,
And all the times I have caused hurt.
Leave out all the despairing rest,
And just retain the good ones,
For this may well be the end.
Help me leave some reasons to be missed,
Don't resent me when I say these things,
Don't be afraid, everyone has to go.
The choices were made not forced,
Don't worry, cause it's worth the tears.
Life must surely still go on unhindered.
I'm sorry for what I'm gonna say,
But I can't be that person you wish,
For it is never right for me to suppress emotions.
If love was a heinous crime,
I'll be in Alcatraz before the hour is up,
And I'll be stone dead by dawn, a bullet to the head.
It was unnatural for me to remain that way,
You thought I didn't understand it was futile,
But I knew the future from the beginning,
I'm not meant to pull Excalibur out the stone.
But that didn't stop me I didn't give a care,
But I knew already Jess, no more no less.
I don't know what made me stay this way,
Though I knew all along it would be hopeless,
I was in a burnt out cryogenic trance.
I'll always be there, even at the periphery,
Even as a shadow figure always watching,
Sometimes smiling, sometimes crying, always caring.
I see red, but it's not of wanton rage,
It's the red of my tearing eyes,
The red of my flowing blood.
It's the red of my scarlet tongue,
As I tasted the mellow burgundy wine,
It's the red of all my passionate emotions.
Perhaps perhaps perhaps,
Perhaps I'm just too overly sensitive.
Perhaps perhaps perhaps,
It's just all in my mind.
Perhaps perhaps perhaps,
I know I know I know,
I know what's behind my back.
Perhaps perhaps perhaps,
Perhaps my thoughts are not wrong?
Perhaps perhaps perhaps,
The voices my allies and you my enemy.
Perhaps perhaps perhaps
And I can never face that fact.
Perhaps perhaps perhaps,
I'm just a foolish clown.
Perhaps perhaps perhaps,
This life was never meant for me.
Perhaps perhaps perhaps....
I want to run and fly forever,
I still love you Jess,
I'm sorry this causes you trouble,
To balk at what I say and what I do,
I'm sorry I'm saying all this,
I know I can't reverse time,
I'm sorry for loving you.
Now the curtains crash and fall,
It's the end, farewell all.
