My arm stings. The blood leaving my arm is creating a pool underneath as I try and cover my wound. I constantly check all around me to make sure there are no more assassins like the three I managed to kill before me. I am slightly dizzy, and am confused as to why assassins have been sent after the military. It begins to rain and I started to recount my childhood.
Clack. Clack. Swish. Thud. "Ahh, you got me again, brother." "Yeah, but I always beat you, Sam." "Yeah that's true." "Alright, let's go home now." "So brother, how are you so good at swordfighting?" "I don't know, I guess it's a natural talent of mine." "I guess so. Well, let's hurry up before mother gets mad. Drake?" I heard what Sam was saying, but I was stuck to the spot as soon as I saw the soldiers passing by. From that day on, I knew what I wanted to do: I wanted to enlist in the army.
"Sir, are you okay?" "What? Oh, yes. I'm fine. Just a little cut." "But sir, you're bleeding through that cloth. I think we need to get you stitched up." "It's fine lieutenant. So what's the current situation?" "Well, of the 6 generals, you're the only one left." "And what of the lower ranks?" "Well, there's us, and a few others, but that's about it." "...I see..." "Sir?" "Alright, it's time to move out. We're going to end this problem before it gets out of hand."
I didn't know who was behind this, but I knew one thing: I was the one who was going to stop them. Before we left the capitol, we made sure we stocked up on supplies, then set out. After setting out, a lot of things ran through my mind. Who is behind this mess? And why are they doing it? What did the military do that deserved this action to be taken? Was it some enemy country that we had fought in the past wanting revenge? No one knows as of yet, but we are going to find out. While contemplating this, six more assassins appeared. They surrounded me and my men and we were caught completely off guard. We all stood still, even the assassins. Who was to make the first move? Us or them? I took up my sword and charged towards the nearest one. Now he was the one caught of guard. The two next to him blocked my lunge. Apparently they've been trained to work together, one thing I hadn't gotten around to training my men in. What were we to do now?
After what seemed like hours of fighting, we all were exhausted, including the assassins. Though, they seemed to be much less tired than my men. There are three of them, my lieutenant, and two normal infantry soldiers. I had been fighting two of the six assassins while the three of my men attempted to work together against the remaining four. There weren't really any blows landed, just a few minor cuts. The lack of any blows was beginning to wear down on my mens' morale.
Clang. Clang. Kink. Woosh. These were the sounds throughout the fight. Though, suddenly the six of them decided to gang up on Charlie, one of the infantry men. He was caught off guard and was stabbed twice in the arm and once in the leg. He was done. He couldn't fight anymore. I jumped one of the assassins and stabbed him through the heart, swung around and slashed another across the neck. The bewildered look on the others' faces was a sight to see. The other assassins, after seeing a sudden surge of ferocity from me, decided to run for it before they ended up like the other two. We had won this fight, but it wasn't a true victory... Charlie was injured.
"Sir, what was that??" "Leave it, Joseph." "But, s-" "I said shut up, lieutenant!" "Sorry, sir." "...So how's Charlie?" "Well, his injuries don't seem to be fatal, but there's no way he's fighting anytime soon." "...I see..."
Why were these assassins so much more trained than the three I had encountered before? Why were they able to sneak up on us so easily? And the big question still remained: Who's behind all of this? As I thought about this, we decided to take a break, so we set up camp. I made sure there were to be no ambushes while we were asleep, so we had shifts with two people at all times. Charlie was wounded, so he wasn't to be on a shift. The night ahead was relatively quiet, except for the occasional stir of wildlife in the forest we set up camp in. What happened the next day was what was interesting.
We picked up everything after awaking and headed off to the next town to try and learn more about these assassinations. The next town was the center of gossip: Zorshire.
After arriving, we were surrounded immediately. Though this time was different; they weren't assassins, but rather citizens overcome with joy that we were alive. They took us to the inn and bought us drinks and asked what happened. So I told them the story...
"...And then they ran off." "Oo, so how did you do it?" "Do what?" "You know...suddenly slay two of the assassins in the blink of an eye." "...There isn't a true explanation." "That's disappointing. I was hoping for some amazing story about being enchanted by a warlock." "Let's be reasonable here. So, anyway, I have a question. I did come to this town for a reason. Does anyone have any information on the assassinations?" "...No. We've only heard that they've happened, not why." "Well, obviously you're not very informed, are you?" "Who are you?" "Just a humble commoner with very good information. I'll tell you...for a fee of course." "...How much?" "Just...you're lives."
What did he say? He's planning on killing us? Him alone? He must surely be jesting. But the look on his face made me know he was not kidding. He got up and seemed to teleport in front of me at the speed he leapt, holding a dagger. My life began to flash before my eyes, but only for the split second before he told us he was kidding. He handed me the dagger and began to tell his tale. Apparently, the man behind this whole ordeal was the man who trained me from when I was a kid. A man I simply new as the "Silver Flash." The instant he uttered that name, I remembered the time I bested him in a fight.
Clang, crash, clink, clang. "Do you give up, yet, old man?" "Who you calling old? Alright, I guess I'm a little aged, but I wouldn't say I'm old." "Too slow." "Ah! Bu- Wh- How can you have beaten me? I gave it my all." "That's all you had? I must have gotten better than I had thought. Well, see you old man." "Where are you off to?" "To enlist in the army." "But you're only 12." "A 12-year-old who beat you, though." "..."
I was immediately accepted into the army after hearing the story of who I had beaten. According to the man I talked to, my teacher was one of the most respected swordsmen in the army a number of years ago. Knowing I had beaten him gave me a lot of confidence that came in handy the next few years I served in the army.
After hearing what this stranger had to say, I knew what I had to do: I had to beat my old teacher again, only this time with real swords, not wooden ones. We discussed where his base of operations might be, and I headed to the closest one. I left Charlie in the care of the innkeeper. I didn't want him to get killed in the midst of all of this. We were heading into the Hornet's nest, and I wanted the fewest injuries and casualties as possible.
*puts on srs biznis face* here we go. ------- I don't want to do a long CC, so I'll be incisive: this is a great story, no doubt. Good Points! -easy to read -inreresting plotline -cool characters -great mood Stuff that needs work! -Your sentence structure is a bit tired. This takes the edge off of the mood substantially after a while, and using some inverted sentences and other things will add some spice to the story. -Your descriptive pieces are a bit too conversational in tone. It sounds more like the musings of Fergoni than an actual passage-unless his is what you're going for. -the setting hasn't been really described, which leads to a bit of confusion. Overall, this is a great story insofar It needs some work at the technical level, but it is very exciting and I'm looking forward to more installments. ------- Rating: 9/10
Your descriptive pieces are a bit too conversational in tone. It sounds more like the musings of Fergoni than an actual passage-unless his is what you're going for.
Yep, that's what I'm going for.
the setting hasn't been really described, which leads to a bit of confusion.
That's kind of the point. It leaves you wonder what the hell I'm talking about. >_<
Your sentence structure is a bit tired. This takes the edge off of the mood substantially after a while, and using some inverted sentences and other things will add some spice to the story.
I agree, but I am doing this improvisationally(if that's a word) so you can't expect that to be perfect. I saw typos in the first chapter as well. :P
Eat it! Just kidding. I doubt you're hungry, so you don't have to eat anything.
Yet with the setting, it gets to the point where it's disorienting enough that you don't get exactly what is happening. I get what you're aiming for, but even a brief, general description will do the story well.
It doesn't have to be a large one, just a quick description of their general area will make it awesomer. Even just saying something like, "they were located near a small stone bunker blah blah etc." would help, just so the reader gets a general feeling of orientation similar to the character's. It will make the story much more immersive
