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Attack Of the Inkcus
By Thomas Ledbetter
Log one: Sinalon: Lord over the domain of the Elves:
A brief account of all that happened to make what is today
Seventeen years ago, in a small, remote farm in a small village, a baby was born during a time of war. The Inkcus, were attacking from the south, and it seemed as if nothing could save the peaceful norther villages. Inkcus, are large, elf shaped creatures with black, smelly, shiny goo all over them. They can stand up to seven feet tall, and are difficult to kill. Their eyes were bright yellow, and there teeth were as sharp as the sword they carried. The poor human folk could do nothing, as the army they had, already was being sweeped away.
The baby was loved by his family, and he grew bigger every day. When he was one year old, And as the Inkcus surrounded the border, he had another companion join him in life. A baby sister whom they called Sariah, which in the language of her people meant: After the first, was born. It was at this time, unlike other family's, they gave their first boy a name at age one: Royadin, which means: defender of good.
After Royadin was ten, and Sariah was 9, the the Inkcus had surrounded the last village in the north, Royadin's and Sariah's Village. But the people of the village had one last hope. There was an underground tunnel, which led to the outskirts of my domain. We, the elves, had not been overrun, and the small, northern human villages had always gotten along with them. This is where Royadin spent the next seven years of his life, and where the life of his parents ended.
It happened after the fifth year of staying there. I noticed that Royadin and My Daughter, Yewin (Daughter of light), who was 52 (An elves average life span is 250. Yewin was about 14 in human years. I am 200. I am about 60 in human years) at the time were spending much time together. Also, the Inkcus had taken over most of the other, smaller villages. The only ones standing, where the Men of the great city of Retim which means: City of Kings, The great elven country of Riveryon, which means: flowing Peace. This is where Royadin, Sariah, and their parents were staying. The deep undergrund mines of the dwarves, and the tall peeks of the Karick, which in the elven tongue (the only people who have every seen the Karick) means Birds of wisdom. No Inkcus could every reach the top, with out being grabbed with sharp claws, and flung down the mountain. Royadin was fifteen.
His parents, told me that they could not stay in my Country, unless they could pay for the protection. I told them this:
âIn times of need, The elves do not ask for reward, but the reward would come from YESCONCO (God).â
They said:
âThank you for this offer of protection, but we must settle down somewhere and farm, it is our duty. We are going to the great city of Retim (City of Men), And there we will start a life, and come back to bring the children. The journey will be to much for them now. We will bring back cart and horse.â
I tried to persuade them to stay, For I knew it is not save to travel those days. They refused. I sent them along with fifteen guards and my blessings. A couple of months later, a guard came into Riveryon. He was sweaty and covered in dirt. He was the last of the seventeen sent out before. Including, Royadin's and Sariah's Parents. They were attacked by the Inkcus. He was the last surviver. Royadin and Sariah heard all. Sariah went to her room to wept, And Royadin Said that is must have been the will of YESCONCO. I agreed.
For the next two years, I noticed that Royadin grew and looked much like man at sixteen. His sister Sariah, at fifteen, was the most beautiful human girl I ever met. Also, Royadin and Ywin were practically inseparable. Nothing undesirable had happened in that time between them.
On Royadin's seventeenth birthday, Two months from now, he said that he would be leaving to start a life in Retim. He looked at Yewin and said that he would be back. I understand now that they are more close then friendship. Five days after his birthday (he was seventeen), he waved goodbye with a sack on his back and an ancient elven blade I gave to him and blessings. I think I saw Yewin shed a tear on his departure. I understood. We never may see him again.
Two day before, I gave him the blade. âUse it carefully.â I said to him, âAnd it will cut through evil like the light of YESCONCO.â I then showed him some of the art of the sword for the next two days. I had the feeling that he would get more practice in the days to come. It has been two months sense he left. I wonder if he made it to Retim? I wish my best for the boy. Yewin spends more time in her room then in play or chat with Sariah. I hope my Daughter is Fine. I will call for a doctor.
End of Log
Log two: Benkir: King over the City of the Men:
A brief account of all that happened after Royadin left the Elven Country
The expanse between the elven country and Retim is vast. I am surprised that the boy made it. Let me tell you what he told me. As Royadin traveled across the vast green lands, his mind was all on Yewin. She was indeed beautiful, and her heart was in the right. Finally his thoughts wondered to where he was. He looked at the map that Sinalon: Lord over the domain of the Elves had given him. According to the map, Royadin was coming to a special part of road. A valley with a river, where a storm never stops, for it is stuck in the valley. Royadin had to decide weather to go around, a 15 hike. Or to go straight though, a 5 mile hike at the most.
Royadin, with his sword shinning, begin the descent into the valley. Even half way down the valley, winds began to blow, and a little sprinkle hit his eyes. The ground became so slippery with water, that he was forced to put away his sword. He told me this was his mistake. When he make it to the bottom of the valley, the storms were so high, that he had to crawl along the ground, barely able to see. Royadin saw a small light in the distance, maybe half of a mile away, so, thinking that is was a house, he made his way toward it. He was very wrong indeed. It was the light, from the eyes of maybe ten Inkcus strong. Royadin lay flat on the ground.
The Inkcus were about ten yards away walking toward him. He told me that at that point, is was to late to run. The Inkcus are very fast runners, and can out run an elf in a sprint. The storms were so high, that he could not hear them speak but as they approached, he could he muttering. Royadin, in a ditch effort to survive the stamped, remembered what Sinalon said. He pulled out his sword. Then the most amazing thing happened. The sword, turned a bright blue, then yellow, then pure white. The Inkcus cowardered to the ground, and dissolved into a pile of dirt. The sky parted, and the sun beamed down upon Royadin. Royadin told me that if felt as if YESCONCO was talking to him. It filled Royadin with life as he got to his feet and held his sword higher. The ground dried up, and the rain had stopped. In this way, with sword raised high, he made it across the valley and up the other slop. As soon as he left the valley, the storm came up again, and the ground was soaked soon again. After walking another mile, Royadin was tired. He found a small cave that went back about two yards. There is where he ate and rested until morning. That was Royadin's first confronter with the Inkcus.
When Royadin woke up, it was daybreak. He looked at his map. He was about 20 more miles from Retim. I two day hike. He was about to go outside to start, but he heard a deep growl from outside the cave. There were two Inkcus outside the cave. Royadin saw there sickly feet. He unsheathed his sword and slowly crawled out. They did not see him, and seemed to be having a conversation with a lot of growls and grunts.
Royadin was just straighting up outside the cave when a twig snapped under him. The two Inkcus jumped, and turned around. One, lunged at him with a down cut. Royadin barely had time to bring up his guard. The second did an leg swing, and Royadin jumped over with much trouble. Finally, after a few swings from the opponents, he was granted a free swing, and with it, he swung with all his might. The sword shown brightly, as his sword cut the first beast in half, splatting green blood as he fell to the ground. The second one caught him off guard, and slashed at him, nipping him in the right leg. Royadin screamed in pain as the blood came out. Royadin countered with a thrust. The sword shown, and the Inkcus fell with a two inch slit in his chest, from which blood poured.
Royadin fell to the ground, sobbing in pain. He was covered with green blood. But there was some red blood also, on his right leg. The wound had gone in about one fourth of an inch. I must say that Royadin did very well minding his wound. He ripped off some of his shirt, and wrapped it around the wound. He got up, and in the distance, he saw a spring. He hobbled over to it, washed the wound and drank. After the cloth was washed and put back on the leg, Royadin was on his way to me, Benkir.
He got about six more miles that day, the wound the Inkcus had given him slowing him down. Now it would take three days to journey to me. Royadin had an awful sleep that night filled with nightmares. Would he every see Yewin again? Would he ever see his sister, Sariah? Would he get to the City of Kings? Finally, Royadin fell into sleep.
The next day was very uneventful. Royadin walked about ten miles that day. He lay down to rest that night, very thirsty. He saw the City, looming over him. Four more miles, four more miles he thought. The next morning, after traveling about two miles, he came upon a river we in the city call Felendy (River of strength). He drank from it, at was relieved. His leg was not doing well. It was swollen, making the walking extremely difficult. He knew that he needed help. After another mile of walking, he collapsed from the pain in the hurt leg. Who know what could have happened to him if he was not discovered.
A traveling caravan found him, and saw that he was still alive. They took him to me. I have paid the man well. Royadin, when he woke up told me all his experiences. So I took sympathy on him. And gave him a room in my house. Royadin's leg got better, and so I gave him a farm near the castle. I also gave him livestock, and seed. Royadin stayed in Retim until he was twenty years of age. He was in Retim for four years. After we were in to five months in the fourth years he came to me to show me a letter. At this time, Royadin was very wealthy and well known in Retim. The letter was from Sinalon. It read:
Dear Royadin,
Please come to the elves again Royadin! Yewin has fallen sick, And in her sickness, she calls after you! I know you too were friends many years ago, but ever since you left four years ago, she has been to her self. But recently, she has been getting worse! I don't know if you made it, but if you did, come back to us! Your Friend,
Sinalon Lord over the domain of the Elves
I immediately gave him my blessing, and sent him off with thirty men, three wagons, ten barrels of wheat, and six horses. I heard from all thirty men today that have returned. They say that Royadin got there without much trouble. They also say that They saw two skeletons of two Inkcus. I wish my best for Royadin.
End of Log
Log three: Sinalon: Lord over the domain of the Elves:
A brief account of all that happened while Royadin was here
Royadin Came into Yewin's Chambers and knelt down next to her. Slowly, her eyes flutered open and she gaspped:
âRoy...a..din...
She grasped his hand. Slowly, her eyes fell, and she fell in to a deep sleep.
âThat is the first sleep that she has had for some time.â I told Royadin.
He sat next to her until morning. In the morning, Brought hope, for She ate her breakfast and walked around a bit. Royadin Seemed very glad, and so did she. I left them to talk while I sat in my throne room. About thirty minutes later, Royadin came to talk to me. The question he asked is not any surprise.
âSir, I have gained I high Standing in Retim. I am head trademen. I have a standing among the King.â He began, âI...I... Also feel as if YESCONCO thinks highly of me.â
âThis is all good Royadin, but what is your purpose here?â
âI...I... Love your daughter sir.â
I felt a interesting feeling inside of me.
âAnd?â I asked.
âI know that is is strange.â Royadin Said to me. He started to pas. âMen do not Marry Elves very often.â
I told him that, He would be able to marry my daughter, if he did me a favor.
âWhat favor?â He asked me.
I told him all. The dwarves, who live in the South are not pleased with us. They are the only ones, keeping us from feeling the full throttle of the Inkcus. Their Mountains cut off half the Inkcus's route. The dwarves do not like how, The elven domain borders their border very closely. They want more room. They are threatening to more to the mountains in the north, if you do not move back. I told Royadin that people are already settled there. There would have to be a large relocation for the elves that live near the dwarves. I said that I understand, that, if we can not determine other ways of negotiation that we would have to move. I told Royadin that we needed him to go as a negotiator for us. âThen you may marry my daughter.â I concluded.
He nodded and said that he would stay until Yewin was better. I agreed. Three months later, after Yewin was up and about and fine, Royadin left our presents, Promising to come back to take Yewin's hand. I gave my blessings for Royadin, and his negotiating.
End of Log
Log four: fornick: Master over the Mines of the Dwarves:
A brief account of all that happened while Royadin visited our mines
Royadin came to us today! The little cheater of the elves, sending a man to take their place! Oh well. Royadin told me it took him two days to get here. Mostly through Elven Domains. That must mean they are very close! I don't like it! I told him that if he can beat Gorogan, our best, then he would win. Royadin pulled his blade out, And elven blade. I always was scared of those things!
Gorogran, which means: strength of Iron, Pulled out his long, sharp ax. I thought that he could win! He was our best. Gorogran ran toward Royadin, screaming! With a down cut like that, I did not think anyone could block. Royadin didn't. He jumped to the side, knocking Gorogran helmet of with the flat of his sword. Gorogran looked dazed, like he could not understand why Royadin did not just kill him. I was pretty happy when Gorogran twirled around spinning his ax like crazy! But Royadin just jumped back and slashed off his breastplate. Can you believe this man! Talk about showing off!
Gorogran understood what Royadin was doing. Finally! But is was too late. Royadin practically jumped over his head, and with the flat of the sword. Knocked Gorogran down to the ground, and then again, in the back of the head. Gorogran slumped to the ground unconscious. I can't believe that Human! He had to jump over our head, proving that we were small! But I got back at him.
I told him that we need help fighting the Inkcus. I told him that he would have to go to the Karick (eagle people) to help us fight the Inkcus back to the darkness! HA! What a bet! He said that his goal was to keep us from moving so he could marry the Elf daughter! The little lier! This task I gave him is an impossible task for an man! We will move, Human negotiator or not! He left this morning! I doubt he will ever come back... At lease, I hope he doesn't.
End of Log
Log five: Sinalon: Lord over the domain of the Elves:
A brief account of how Royadin brought back the Karick
I can't believe it! Royadin... Wait, let me tell you from the beginning. Royadin came back from the Dwarves and told me all he went though! Can you believe those dwarves? He said that these circumstances were going to put the wedding behind. I told him something else. I had reseaved a letter form Retim. They have captured Northern and Eastered Parts of the Villages of Men from the Inkcus! They will have to capture Southern and Western Villages before anyone can enter the villages once again. They are requesting Royadin's help but I have sent a letter stating that he is busy. I also have told Royadin about the news and he is very happy. He left with supplies, Men, and love from Yewin. He is about to leave for the dwarves, and he has the... Wait, let me finish what happened after he left us to go to the Karick.
He left us with ten elves. They walked about one day when they came upon a troop of Inkcus that were going up the mountain once again. Royadin caught them off guard and with my blade, single handedly killed ten of them, half the lot. He said the three of the solders that were with him died also.
The climb was hard for them and traveling was slow up the side. It took them three days just to make it up half way, and they had run out of supplies. The dwaves caused all this trouble! Two more elves fell off, and and another three died of hunger of food. They came to a spring on the five day of the climb, and the two elves and Royadin Drank greatfully. On the six Day, they came upon a deer, which they killed and ate. One more elf though, did not make it this far.
On the next day, the worst thing that could happen came about. Three Karick spotted Royadin and the last elf. They sounded the alarm. Royadin told me it was a hideous screech. Five more Karick flew over the top and dived. Royadin told me with much sorrow that he tried to save the young elf with him. Royadin told the elf to pull his sword, but with one fell swoop, a Karick took him away. But Royadin did pull out his sword. It gleamed and shown. The clouds in the sky parted, and a light beam fell upon Royadin. The Karick instantly Landed near Royadin. The light quavered, and a deep screech came from above. The Karick bowed their heads, and the light from the sky when away and the cloud returned to normal. The sword still was glowing.
The Karick flew into the air, and when around the Mountain, and Royadin still held his sword high. Then, from around the Mountain, came Twenty Karick! Royadin said that his sword quivered in his hand. Then all of the Karick flew in a circle above Royadin. Then, all together, the Karick let out one mighty Screech. Royadin dropped his sword to cover his ears and it was at this moment, a Karick reached down, and grabbed him.
Royadin was taking high above the lands below, to the very peak of The mountain. There, he was dropped, on a bed of hay. One Karick flew over to him, and perched. He said:
âWhat is your name?'
Royadin stood up. The creature was about twice as long as himself. Royadin told the Karick his name. The Karick said:
âMy name is Ucafan.â
Royadin then told Ucafan his purpose there, and why. Ucafan understood and let out a screech. Ten Karick came and landed. Ucafan screeched something to them and they all flew away except for one. Ucafan. He said:
âThose ten will take you to the elves, where then we will go to the dwarves. Get on my back.â
So Royadin then traveled to us on Ucafan's back, and is now traveling to the Dwarves, to fight in finally fight of our time. While he was gone to the Karick, Benkir capured back the last two villages, South, and West! The only place left where the Inkcus remain, is south of the Dwarves. This will determent the out come of our life's to come. I do have a surprise for Royadin though when he gets to the dwarves again.
End of Log
Log six: Fornick: Master over the Mines of the Dwarves :
A brief account of all that happened at the last battle of this earth against the Inkcus
It looks as if Sinalon brought us one thousand elves strong. Or not so strong, they don't look very strong. And boy did Royadin look surprised when he saw Benkir with his 2000 men strong. But he can't possible be as surprised as me when I saw that Royadin actually brought twenty Karick! Including Ucafan! That boy is a wonder! Well, he is not really a boy any more, a man and marr... No... I better not tell you yet, let me start from the beginning of the battle.
Royadin led the front of the battle lines with the elves, men, and dwarves next to him. The Karick flew above. There were the Inkcus, in a big huddle around this big blob thing. They turned and saw us, running toward them. They all then grabbed there swords and charged back at us. That was some fight. Then the blob thing that they were all huddled around begin to grunt and groan and squirted black goo in the air... The sky turned black as night, and none of us could see anything. Then, Royadin drew his sword. It pieced the darkness and with a thundering sound, broke the darkness and YESCONCO spoke in a loud voice. The blob quivered and was silent.
Our army's clashed. Royadin, Benkir, Ucafan, and myself led the troops into battle. I did wonderful and Royadin did fine. His sword pierced all who touched it, and was eaten by light. In fact, Royadin seemed to glow himself. I looked up, there was the light of YESCONCO shining down on him. after seeing a sight like that, I fight like mad... I could not let him beat me now!
My axe was sharp and i cut down many. Royadin seemed like he fought for a purpose, a purpose I wish I knew... The Inkcus flooded down on us, and Royadin was much skilled at the blade. I bet it was just because it was an elven blade. Those elves, they get everything. I should have not been so hard hearted. I should not move, I belong in the mountains, where I was born.
The Inkcus were sweeped down, like grass on a windy day (I did not know I could be so poetic!), only the blob was still there. It quivered. Of the men we had left, 896, of the elves, 598, of the dwarves... A lot. Royadin walked toward the blob. He said,
âIn the name of YESCONCO, Yewin, and Sinalon. DIE!â
With that he stabbed the creature through the middle. It let out a cry that knocked him back. That was the end of the war with the Inkcus.
End of Log
Log seven: Benkir: King over the City of the Men:
A brief account of all that happened after the war
Royadin was married to Yewin in the City of Kings, ten years after they had met. And when he kissed her, Sinalon knew he had found the perfect husband for him. And when Sariah Kissed Leben of the Elves, that man she met while in the elven domain, Royadin knew that time of hardship was at an end for the four. Even Fornick, who cried a little, knew that staying in the hills, is where he belonged. And I, Benkir, King of Retim, and ruler of the Villages, knew that Royadin, when I met him, was no normal boy. He ended up, to be one of the most known heroes, to the land of our earth.
YESCONCO granted Royadin long life. He lived to be 125. His wife, Yewin, whom loved him to his last days, lived to be 243, about 70 in human years. Fornick continued his life in the mountains, and Sinalon, continued his lordship over the elves. I went on to live to be 87, for I am in my sick bed now. I feel a great honor, that I knew, Royadin, Hero, Killer of the Inkcus.
- 4 Replies
The Many Adventures of Reed Thomasonn
By Thomas Ledbetter
(in the year 3008)
I was sitting down to dinner with my family when I heard a knock on our door.
âI'll get it.â I said.
I wished I hadn't. Billy Deanersnitsel was at the door.
âHey Reed!â I said to me. A baseball, glove, and bat were in his hand. âWant to come and play?â
âSorry.â I said with no meaning. Billy was the meanest kid in the town. I would usually stay away from him, but he was a darer. He always Dares me to do things I don't want to do. That is way he always hang around. He knew that I could not resist a dare. âBut I am eating right now.â
âAww...â He moaned. Then he looked in my eyes to see if I was telling the truth. âAre you reeeallly eating?â
âNot here at the door no.â I answered.
âHoney, who is at the door?â My mother asked. Whoo. Thank you mom.
âUh just a...â I began but Billy butted in.
âIt is just Billy!â Billy said to my mom. âCan Reed come and play with me?â
âI guess so.â Mom said. My shoulders drooped. Mom continued to say, âI will clean his place at the table. Before I could even say to mom that I would love to say and finish dinner, Billy had be whisked away at lightning speed for a chubby boy like himself.
âAh, kids these days.â My Mother said after I left. âAlways in a hurry.â
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Adventure #1
Adventurers in the Outback [behind Billie's house]
âWhat are we doing?â I asked Billy as he half dragged my to his backyard.
âTo the amazon!â Billy puffed, âWe will see snakes and sharks and other ferocious animals!â We arrived at his backyard. There was a blue sheet laid down on the ground, and a canoe on top of it. The canoe was well furnished, and had paddles, specimen jars, and nets. Billy was still talking but I barely heard any of it. He said something like, :
âOK, here we are, your the stupid explorer who gets into trouble, and I am the smart paleontologist. Do yo know what Paleontologist means? I do. It means a very smart guy who travels on the Amazon. Do you know where the amazon is?â
âWhat?!?!?!â I cried helplessly.
âI thought you would play your part wonderfully.â Billy said. It was not much of a complement. âOK, you get in the back and I will get in the front Cause I want to steer.â
I was just about to tell him that the back person in the canoe always is the one who does the steering, but I was in the seat with a paddle in my hand, and with Billy shouting out orders:
âGet your paddles ready! Hey, you, yes you! Look lively Man! Were taking a trip to the Amazon. Yes. Prepare the sails! Wait, there is no sail... Never Mind, we don't need them! OK, here we go!â
âWe both started paddling. We Paddled and Paddled and Paddled. I was getting all paddled out. But Finally we got in the mode. We really were on the Amazon! We were sailing down the amazon, looking for the Treasure of the gods! We challenged Snakes and sharks, but, are greatest enemy was coming upon us! crocodiles, millions of em! We started whacking them over and over again. And finally, when the dust settled, the crocodiles were gone, and the brave adventures were safe. But me and Billy were not.
âLook what you did to my Dads Canoe!â Billy Shouted at me.
ââWhat? Me? Your Dad? Who?!?!â I blubbered. There was the canoe, all smashed up. The paddles really got it good. There where bent and twisted, cracked and severed from the handle. Things were not looking good. Then things just got worse.
âI-I got to go.â Billy said.
âwhere are you going?â I asked him with deep fury in my eyes.
âHere.â He said quietly. âI have a plan. My mom and Dad won't be home for another three days. In that time, we could do some work around the neighborhood, and then buy another canoe like nothing happened!â
âYou better get started.â
Billy watched in amazement as I just walked away from the crime scene.
âBut you helped me ruin the Canoe!â He yelled before I began to walk across the street.
****************************************
That night I could not sleep. It was true. I did help him ruin the Canoe. I began to think. âWhat would I want Billy to do if I did something like that?â I thought. I then decided, what I needed to do.
**********************************
The next morning found myself at Billie's house door. The door opened, there stood Billy.
âHey loser.â He said.
I had to resist to punch this brat in the face.
âReady to get working?â I asked him.
âW-w-w-what?â He studdered.
âYeah, you heard me.â I told him. âLet's get started.â
Billy grined, and we started down the street, to a friend of mine.
âHey, sorry about, you know, saying that at the door.â Billy said with his head down.
âHey, it's OK.â I said to him. He smiled and his head shot up. We walked up the steps of my Friend.
âOh, by the way.â I asked casually while I knocked on the door. âHow much was the cannoe?â
âHundred.â
âWHAT!â I screamed.
âHey no need to scream.â Lemony said from the door. âIt's just me.â
**********************
âLemony, we need help.â
This is what I said to a 14 years old boy with fair hair. Same age as me. His name in full was Lemony G. Techymoly, my best friend.
âWhat kinda help you need, Pest removal?â Lemony said, with a shake of the head in Billy's direction.
âNot today Lem.â I said to Lemony. âToday, I need a hundred bucks.â
âHA HA HA!â Lemony laughed, âGood one! HA!â
I am NOT JOKING, LEMONY!â I yelled. He stopped laughing. I told him the story.
âLooks to me you got yourself in a scrap.â He said. âBut I do have an Idea...â
**********************************
âStep right up, get a change to throw a pie in some little crudball's face!â
Lemony was on a soap box screaming these words while me and Billy got pies thrown at or faces. This lasted all day.
At the end of the day, we counted up the money.
âHey, fifty Bucks is not bad after expenses.â Lemony said optimistically.
âYeah, and another day of that, and we are done, Woopee.â I said half heartedly. Me and Billy where sanding at the sink, trying to get the whip cream from behind our ears. âAnd another thing.â I finished with my cleaning at Lemony's sink and looked at him, smug and leaning against the door. âWhy did you have to say, Get a chance to throw a pie at a crudball??â
âAdvertising, my dear boy.â Lemony said. He turned around and walked to his room. âSee you in the morning.â
*******************************
Again, we went through another day of pain and this time, we came from town, with a brand new canoe, just like the last one.
âI am so proud of you, I could take you out for ice cream.â Lemony said, patting me on the back. âBut I need to work on my project, see you!â Lemony then waved, saying as he walked out the back door to work, âBut I don't have any money!â
âAh, at least we are done.â I Happily sighed plopping down on the grass in the front yard.
âYeah...â Billy said with satisfaction. But suddenly his eyes went wide open and sat up and said:
âWe forgot about the paddles!â
I to sat up straight. âHow much are they?!â
âTwenty apiece, and there is no way anybody is going to want to smash pies in our face again!â Billy moaned. âWe have no hope! No way we can make forty dollars in one day!â
âWhy only one day?â I asked in anguish.
âMy parents come home tonight!â
âWe both fell down and sighed.
âWe got to think of something!â I though. Then I though some more.
âI got it!â Billy said suddenly.
âWhat?â
âMy friend, Beno Bleak!â
âYou mean the guy that what to live to 4000 ?â
âYeah!â
âWe better get going.â I muttered.
*******************************
âHEY DUDES!â
This is what greeted up when we walked up to this wacky house.
âHey Beno!â Billy said.
âHello Mr. Bleak.â I said to The weirdo.
âHey, don't you call me MR. BLEAK.â Beno said laughed, âcall me, BENO the genius!â
âOkay MR. Genius.â I said to Beno. âMe and Billy need to make forty dollars in five hours, got any ideas?â
âOkay, now... let me think...â Beno though about the situation. âI got it!â
âWhat?â Billy and I cried.
âYou do some work around my WONDERFUL lab, and I give you the dough, eh?â
I suddenly felt very nervous, but Billy was not.
âOK!â Billy said, âWhere do we start!â
*************************************
Well, at less we will get the paddles.â Billy said to me. We were mopping the floor of Beno, the Mad Scientist, who was saying murmuring something in the corner about, living longer then 4000.
We had been there for three hours, working by doing this and that, and finally ending up cleaning his floor.
âWell, at least this is the last thing we have to do.â Billy said to me.
âOK then.â I sighed, âLet's get in done. One hour later we were done. Another half we had the paddles. Another fifteen minutes, we had set them near the canoe like nothing had happened.
********************************
âWhat do we tell my parents?â Billy asked me siting on the steps of the house, while I was standing up against the railing looking at him.
âThe truth.â I told him, rubbing my eyes. I then turned and began to walk home.
âWhere are you going?â Billy yelled at me. âYour not done yet!â
âMy deal,â I yawned to Billy, âWas to get the stuff back. And right now, I am going to my house to take a well needed nap.â
*****************************
Adventure #2
The Time Machine;
The Project of Lemony
Should anything happen to be anything like that day, I would most likely hide under my bed till dooms day. I would not want anything like that to happen again in all my life. The thing that happened on that day was worse then when Billy Deanersnitsel dared me to run around the neighborhood, screaming like a banshee. He will never live that down. I probably will NEVER LIVE IT DOWN...
Let me tell you about what happened. I was in my house, playing video Games, when Lemony Techymoly came in.
âWatcha playing?â he asked.
âKoran: War of the Holy Book.â I replied.
âI thought the Muslims destroyed the stores that sold that product?â
âYeah, the game had Mohammad with a pointed goatee.â I told him.
âOh Yeah, right.â he sat down next to me.
âSlow day, huh?â Lemony said.
âAll right.â I said, shutting off the Game Cube, Your hiding something. What do you want me to do? Sing that old song called âSurfing Birdâ in the ballpark in only a pair of pantyhose?â
âNot bad Reed.â Lemony Said, impressed, âBut I must say that âSurfing Bird is not yet an old song.â
âLemony,â I answered, âWe live in the year 3006. THAT is an OLD song.â
âNever mind.â The mad boy said, âI have something more important to tell you to argue about Surfing Birds.â
âThat sounded really weird dude.â
âNever Mind it!â Lemony cried. He looked at me. âDo you understand you might be talking to the smartest boy in the world?â
I clapped my hands in a slow, steady clap. âBravo!â I cheered, âWhat else is new?â
âI am Not Joking!â Lemony cried. And with his figure pointed up at the ceiling as if it was the greatest thing since robot waiters said:
âFellow brothers, sisters, and annoying friends that don't believe anything that there friends say, I have something to say! I, Lemony G. Techymoly, friend of many and scientist of great knowledge, and perplexing ability to...â
âCut the sales pitch!â I said with my hands cupped even though we were only one yard away from each other.
â... have created...â Lemony took a breath for emphasis then continued, âA time machine!â
I pretended to be surprised. âWow Lemony! Ah! You are very smart. Not counting that someone has already created a TIME MACHINE!!â
âThis is different!â he retorted.
âHow?â
âWell,â he said, going into speaker man mode again, âThis is the first time in history that a child has made a time machine and the first time a person from the public is able to use it!â
âHave you gone in it yet.â I asked him.
âWell... not yet.â Lemony said.
âWell then...â I answered him, âHow do you know it works! Huh? And what do you mean this is the first time a person from the public is able to use it?â
âI mean, âLemony said quietly, âthat me and you are going to see the presented George Washington.â
âWHAT???â
*************************************************
âThis is crazy!â I said. I stood in his back yard at a ugly machine. It looked like a bed with a dome over it. It was made of rusted metal pieces and it looked like there was some parts from a computer too.
âThis is crazy!â I said again. Lemony was doing a bit of tinkering around the machine.
âWhat is?â
âThis whole Idea!â I said, âOnly adults in the government are aloud in one of these things.
âThere was only one.â Lemony said, âbut now there are two, and this one is going to make us tons of money.â
âYeah, if it works.â
âIt will work.â
âHow?â
âWell...â he studdered, âIt.. just will, you just have to trust me.â
âTrust you? How can I...â
That is all I said, and before I even knew what was happening, I was laying on my back, in the Machine, with Lemony right next to me.
âHow do you know we will come back OK?â I asked Lemony.
âWe will.â
I must say, this did not boost my confidence.
Lemony started clicking buttons and the whole machine started to shake, I So did I. Suddenly, The whole machine gave one last big lurch, and then stopped. The engines died down.
âHa!â I said to Lemony, âIt did not work! I am going home, keep up the good work, Mr. Mad Scientist.â
I opened the door but outside was not our home. Instead, a beautifully, well kept meadow greeted us.
âWho's laughing now?â Lemony laughed. He all the sudden stopped laughing. âWhat is the noise?â
âIf you would just stop laughing I could tell you!â I could not take my eye off the meadow.
âBut I did stop.â His voice sounded very serious. I turned around. I looked at him. His mouth was not moving but the laughing was still there.
âLet's find out who is laughing!â Lemony said to me.
âWhat? Why would we do that?â I asked him?
âBecause, it would be fun!â he answered me.
âLets just go back home.â I said to Lemony. But he was not there. âWait up!â
I ran around the time machine and saw a small forest.
âL-L-Lemony?â I whispered.
Suddenly there he was righted next to me.
âCome on.â he said. âThat is where the laughing is coming from.â
***************************************************
We had been walking in the forest a while when be saw a fire in a clearing up ahead.
âIt is kinda getting dark.â I said quietly to Lemony.
âQuiet! They will hear you!â
âWho?â
âThe Red Coats!â
âWha-!â Lemony put his hand to my mouth and shushed me. He finally let go and we crept closer to the fire. There was tons of tents set up but only three Red Coats were sitting around the fire on duty. We were close enough to hear the conversation, so we listened.
âAh, The fight tomorrow is going to be a good one.â one man said to another.
âYeaaah. HA HA HA! the other said.
âHe's drunk.â Lemony whispered to me. I gagged.
âBut, what if we lose?â another Red Coat said to the first.
âWhat?â The first Coat said, âWe can't lose! We out number them 5 to 3! Can't lose this battle! Another one around!â
âYeeeahhhhhhh! AH HA AH!â the drunk one said. And they all drank the rest of the Rum.
âWhat did the man mean,â I asked Lemony quietly, âwhen he said another one around?â
âMore Rum.â I gagged again.
After watching them some more and no more information being said, we headed back to the time machine, or, at least we thought.
âWe are lost, admit it!â I said to Lemony.
âAlright! We are lost, are you happy?â
âNo, I wish you really know where you were going.â I said blankly.
âWe will have to sleep here for the night. Lemony said. He plopped down right where he was, and fell asleep.
âLemonyâ I wispered. He did not answer.
âI think that I will stay on guard.â I said to him. He did not answer.
So I sat down on the ground for a long time, hours it seemed. I thought that I would then lay down to rest my behind. But then I Closed my eyes, just to rest them. Then, I was fast asleep.
***********************************************
The next morning, we both got up and started walking. Thankfully we found the machine in which we came. Unfortunately, our machine was in the middle of a battle field! The Red-coats were at one side of the meadow, and the Americans were on the other side. In the middle was our machine!
âHey look! It is George Washington!â Lemony cried out to me, and pointed.
I looked in the direction of his finger, and saw a man, sitting on a horse. He was amazing.
âHe is just like I thought he was.â I said in awe to Lemony.
âI Know.â
âWell,â I said to him, snapping out of my stupor, âWe have seen George Washington and now we are going to watch your machine be smashed to bits. Sounds like a good day's work, huh?â Lemony looked at me, then the machine, me, then the machine.
âCan you run?â
âWhat?â I asked bewildered.
âCan, you, run?â
âYeah.â I said timidly.
âThen RUUUUUNNNNNN!!â With that Lemony dashed away to the Machine with me on his tail. We could hear the bugles begin to play and the men at arms say, âFire!â And we felt the bullets fly by us as we fled to the machine.
âThey are shooting at us!â I cried to Lemony as we ran. But then I looked and I saw that the guns were not pointed at us but at the troops on opposite sides of the meadow. They were shooting each other. The people on both sides were falling dead. I gagged. I was not looking at where I was going and bonked into the side of the machine. I lifted myself off the ground in a daze and Lemony helped guide me to the machine and in it.
âCome on!â he screamed at me. We were in the machine, strapped and ready. Lemony was clicking buttons rapidly while The bullets were flying over and sometimes hitting the machine.
âCome on!â I screamed at Lemony.
âI am trying!â Lemony said. He clicked one last button. âThere!â
The machine started up, the familiar things happened, then the thump and the dieing down. The bullets had stopped. The screaming had stopped. And my heart stopped.
**********************************
âYou OK?â Lemony asked me five days later.
âI am fine.â
âWatcha playing?â Lemony asked me.
âZorro Goober Invaders.â I answered.
âCan I play?â Lemony asked me.
âWhere is the time machine?â I replied.
âIn the ash pile outback.â
âGrab a controller, lets play.â
THE END
Got There and Barely back again
by Bilbo Bagans
Introduction:
This story does not start when Bilbo meets Gandalf. It starts when Bilbo meets Gollum. The story then will go back to the beginning, then remind you of what happened with Gollum, when continue forward. If you are confused, then you will kinda understand what this book is like. This book, is confusing, funny, and intense. When I say, âIntenseâ I mean intense like, A creature named Gollum (I am giving the story away) running around the room with no hair on or a wig, saying,
âMy Precious! My Precious! BOO HOO!â
If you Hate a good book like, âThe hobbit,â have everything mixed up and hilarious, then put down this book, but, I warn you. You will miss a lot of enjoyable stuff. I also was following along with the book, changing ever thing so that, in the end, you think you are reading a new book. Thought, I suggest that you read the hobbit within a couple of days of reading this book... thank you.
(insert âConcerning hobbitâ song)
Got There and Barely back again
by Bilbo Bagans
Chapter one
I meet Both Gollum and Smeagol
In my many days of traveling throughout center earth, middle earth, outer earth, and in-between earth, I have come across many a strange and foreign Place. Or thing. But none, have been so amazing as my adventure with the Ring of Power. Hello. My name is Bilbo. In this particular adventure with the ring, I was walking though the forest of Bowker one day, or at lease I think that was what its name was, thinking of a way to get candy in my room with out my wife finding out about it, when I came across a cave.
âWhat is a cave doing here?â I said, âI wonder what is in it.â I walked up to the door and opened the door and said, âHello? Oh, no one is home, I guess I better leave.â Then I, Bilbo walked away from it. for about five miles from this cave that looks so Homely. I don't think I meant that but... I came upon a marsh filled with trees called Passage Marsh.
âWow I have never been to this marsh before! How did I know its name then?â I said, âBut this place is pretty cool looking... Wait, what is that creature crouching behind that rock, about to spring!? I better draw my sword or... AHHHH OOWWWWW! AHHHOOOOWWWWWWW... OHHHHHHHH... Uh, I think You broke something...â
âWho are you? And what are you doing here, huh, huh!?â said the Creature.
âMy name is Bilbo!â I answered, âAnd um, um, I don't hang around here a lot! I am on an adventure! I was just thinking of a way to eat candy without my wife knowing it while I traveled!â
âWell if that is the only thing you are doing here,â Said the Creature, âthen leave! I must get to my cave before dark.â
âUh, why?â I said stupidly.
âWhere are my manners, my name is Smeagol.â the creature said. âI want to get to my cave so I can eat the fish I caught!â
Then Smeagol stopped, looked at me, then the fish. Looked at me, then the fish. A devilish grin filled what was left of his face when he looked up at me.
âStrike that,â Smeagol said. âMy name is Gollum, and I don't think that I will have to eat this fish.â
âGood!â I said, âcan't bear the taste of the stuff, even cooked!â
Gollum was not listening he just stared at me with the wide, staring round eyes with fear, hate, love, hate, jealousy, and hate in them. Did I already say hate?
âThis may sound a bit strange but what do you taste like?â Gollum said.
âUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...â PLOP. At this point I promptly and properly fainted, if you can properly faint.
âGood,â Gollum said. âGive me time to think. OWW. That hurt.â
Gollum then ran behind a tree to throw up. He really did not need to hide because no one else lived in these Passage Marshes. How I know what Gollum is doing while I was knocked out, I don't know. But I did hear something that someone said that someone else told him that the narrator knowith all. Don't ask what that means because I don't know.
Gollum, after finishing his hurling, was trying to think of a plan to eat me.
âI have not had such a large meal to eat like this Smeagol, no?â Gollum said to Smeagol. âBut it will be a meal to reckon with.â
âHow could he give any trouble?â Smeagol asked Gollum. I was just coming to from the strangest dream when Gollum kicked me in the head. I went back to dream land and to a giant hobbit eating rubber chicken.
âSee?â Gollum said in response to Smeagol. âNow, will you help me?â
âYes Master.â Egor, er, Smeagol replied. He was hunched over and was drooling. He closed his eye and kicked me in the head. Now I had twenty hobbit eating rubber chickens.
âNo more kicking!â Gollum cried out.
âSorry.â Smeagol said, standing up. âBut boy, was his head hard.â
âI known what I will do!â Gollum sneered. âI will take him home then eat him promptly with, ketchup, and lots of wasobi powder!â
âOK.â Smeagol said, ânow what do we do?â
âNow, we wait for him to wake up.â Gollum said as he sat down with Smeagol and enjoyed the candy's that were left over in my pocket.
Chapter two
The invitation
So Gollum/Smeagol hearing me wake, stuck from behind the tree. He came from behind me, watching me pluck strange leaves off a short tree.
âThese leaves.â I said to myself, âLook very... unique.â I had at this time no Idea he planed to kill me and eat me.
âIn what way?â Gollum asked, totally forgetting that he is talking to the man... hobbit that he is going to eat.
âAhhhh!âI cried, âyou scared me. Why do you ask?â
âWell, back in the tenth grade I took a botany class and ever since I loved plants!â Smeagol said gleefully. Then, remembering that this was his dinner, Gollum asked plainly, âSo what is unique about them?â
âWell,â I answered, âthis leaves look... well you know how... they don't look... real. Like they are...â I started shaking. âplastic. Are you thinking what I am thinking?â
âWhat?â asked,Smeagol confused.
âWe are on a movie set!âI wailed. I started to dig a hole in the ground.
âI knew that already, now stop that and shut up! You are ruining the scene!â Gollum whispered in my ear.
I looked up out of my freshly dig trench. Dirt was all over my face and clothes. âSorry, I didn't know. I am a biologist at heart.â
âI don't think you know what that means.â Smeagol said. âA biologist cuts up things like we are going to do with...â Gollum put his hand to Smeagol mouth.
âDon't say any thing about cutting him up and eating him!â Gollum whispered in Smeagol"s ear.
âOOOOOOHAAAAA.â Smeagol said and Gollum took his hand off Smeagols mouth. âLet me continue. Biologist cut things up while Botany is studying plants.â
âBack to business!â I said. âSo what were you doing behind the tree over there?â
âOh, I was just plaining what to eat since I am not eating fish!âGollum lied, âAnd I was wondering...â
âYou should stop.â I said, âyou might get lost.â I fell over laughing while Gollum just looked at me with a confused expression.
âHuh?â
âOh, it is a hobbit joke you see hobbit don't travel a lot so... Oh, never mind.â I said, âIt takes all the fun out of the joke.â
âAs I was saying.â Gollum said, âwould you like to come over to eat at my home? No charge.â
âWell I would love to...â
âYES YES!â Gollum and Smeagol cheered and high fived.
âBut I promised my Wife I would be home for Dinner.
âOHHHH.â Gollum and Smeagol fell in the dirt and wept bitterly.
âBut I can stay for tea.â I finally managed to say. So Gollum and Smeagol led me down the path I had just came from.
Don't leave. It gets really good next chapter.
Chapter three
Gollums Cave
Gollum led me back to the cave I had seen earlier.
âGee Wiz this place looks familiar.â I said, looking at the cave.
âCome in, come in,â Smeagol said, âthe eating, I mean the Meeting is about to begin.â
So Gollum/Smeagol let me in the cave and led me to a stone table with a vase of flowers. I was just about to ask where he got the flowers when Smeagol said to me:
âSit down, sit down, I will fix you a meal, no? Fit for a hobbit? No?â
âUh, Just tea thank you.â I said quickly.
âOf course.â I sat down while Smeagol ran to the kitchen. I tried to think of what a zombie looking creature like himself could fix with a hobbit... Sorry, I mean for a hobbit... The person who did these scrips did really bad. Wait a minute... that was... Never mind, any way...
I heard humming from the kitchen then a slap, then Smeagol say:
âWhat you do that for?â
I wondered if he had a maid. Things were not looking so bad, I thought.
While I was waiting to see what Gollum fixed for tea... I saw something... Something, I wish I never saw...
*****************
Sorry. Back to the story.
âHey, I said, âWhat is on the table... The flowers?â
Sorry Narrator here, Let me set him strait. No, Not the flowers.
âWhat then, I don't see anything else on the table.â I said to the narrator who is myself.
Look in the flower pot.
I reached my hand in the flower pot. There was dirt. I then felt something hard. I pulled it out of the vase.
âOh, COOL! It's a ring with things written on it! Thanks!â
Your welcome Bilbo, now play the part!
âOk,â I said. âWow, It's shiny.
I then put it on like anybody else would and I saw something very strange. First I heard sizzling then a Big voice said:
âI SEE YOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU ack ack ack! COUGH COUGH COUG!! WEZZ WEZZZ. OWWW.â
You could have done that better.
âSorry,â Said the guy doing the voice of the ring, â I have been having Asma lately. COUGH COUGH.â
You can leave.
The guy doing the voice of the ring left the... WHAT AM I SAYING???!!!
âWow Gee Wizz.â I said surprised. âThat sounded like my wife.â
Then, seeing that I could not see my body parts, if you can do that, I went to a mirror on the wall and said:
âmirror mirror on the wall who is the greatest of them all? Wait, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. Cool, I can see the wall behind me! My wife is going to be confused about this one Bilbo old boy! HA HA!!â
Then, the only person I would not want to see was coming to the dinning room which was were I was! I quickly took off the ring, put it in my pocket, and sat down. âWhat have you been doing in here?â Gollum asked me suspiciously. Then he looked at the dirt on the table and thought nothing of it.
âOh, going back and forth between the faces of... the walls. I have noticed many a strange thing in the room.â I lied.
âReally?â Smeagol asked, âlike what?â
âWell um uh I well we... you know, you...â I stumbled. â...you you cut the door out of the cave pretty good.â
âThank you.â Smeagol said, âreally I did not do it. It was my grandfather.â
I pointed to him, then the door, him, then the door. Smeagol nodded.
âHe was a hobbit like you.â Smeagol added.
He was?â I said blankly. Then remembering my manners said:
âOh, YES he was! Of course he was.â
âYes, he was.â Smeagol looked at me like I was an alien.
âWell lets sit down to tea.â Gollum said sitting down. I sat down next to him. The mad tea party began.
Chapter four
The Mad Tea Pary
âUh Gollum.â I said, staring in the tea.
âYes?â Gollum said in a high pitched girl voice. I am not sure but I thought that his eyelashes batted. That is not possibly because Gollum did not have any eyelashes. But if he did it was because he was nervous. I could tell something was up.
âWhy,â I asked, âis my tea...Red?â
âOh, Uhm, I well. I live very healthy as you can see.â Gollum said pointing to himself. âAnd I just put some... Cherries in it to make it... red.â
âWhat kind of Cherries?â Going into botany mode again.
âOh uh they are... are...â Gollum studdered.
âRed Cherries!â Smeagol said proudly.
âUsually us hobbits don't have cherry tea, but this once, I will try it.â I said picking up my glass.
âTrust me.â Gollum said, âIt will be the last time you ever have to taste it.â
Gollum, noting that my time was near, was looking for the Ring of POWER. He could not find it.
âWHERE IS IT!!!â Gollum yelled to me. The drink was at my lips. I set it down to say:
âWhere is what? The tea is still here.â
âNo not the tea, I can't even drink that, it is poisoned. WHERE IS MY PRECIOUS!â
âAre you married?â I asked in confusion.
âNo!â He shrieked running around the room looking over ever pot, shelf or crack.
âGood, because with this attitude, your married would get no where.â Said I, going into teacher mode.
Gollums running about took him to the table where the dirt still lay, untouched. He looked at the vase, then the dirt, the vase then the dirt, and then me!
âYou have my precious!â Gollum growled and muttered under his breath.
âBeg pardon?â I said, still in teacher mode. âTic-tac? Tums? Cough Medicine?â
âDo you.â Gollum said. Have a ring in your pocketsess?â
âYes, what of it?â I said.
âYou stole it from us!â Smeagol cried.
âYou stole it from us!â Gollum cried in anguish.
âYou already said that.â I said perplexed.
âWait,â Smeagol said, âhow do we know that this ring, is our ring.â
âYou could ask me about it.â I answered.
âWhat does it look like?â Gollum said.
Well when I put it on...â I began.
âYou put on our ring?â Gollum yelled.
âSettle down young man.â I said to my student called Gollum. ânow I an Psychiatrist Bilbo Bagans. Lay down on the couch please.â
âThere is no couch.â Smeagol retorted. I paid no attention to this fact.
âYou were married once.â I concluded.
âI was?â
âYou were a very mean husband.â I continued.
âI Was?â
âYour wife died of beatings, and because you did not was her relations to come and morn over her grave, you locked her spirit in the ring! So ever time someone puts on the ring, he gets scared What out of himself!â
âI Was What?â Smeagol asked. He was laying on the floor.
âShe also said:
âI SEE YOUR UNDERWEAR!â
âWell.â Smeagol said cheerfully, âThat is not our ring.â
âJust joking!â I laughed, âShe, who sounded like a he, said:
âI SEE YOU!â
âWell.â Gollum said angrily, âThat would be OUR RING! No, Smeagol?â
âYeah!â Smeagol said in a voice of made rage that made Gollum look bad.
Gollum turned to me.
âWhere... is... our ... RING!!!
(At this point of time I would like you to know that there is a silence... thank you.)
âUh, Lets play a game!â
Chapter five
The Game
âA Game? pick me, Pick me!â Gollum was jumping up and down with his hands in the air. Oh yeah, Smeagol was too.
âYeah, yeah, yeah huh uh Ok.â I said nervously
âWhat has five teeth, and twenty six of then are missing!â I begin. Gollum looked at me with a strange look. I tried again:
âSorry, that is not right. Ok. What has five legs, with three of then chewed off, while a dog is working on the other two!â
Gollums mode was changing very quickly. I tried one last time:
âWhy are there fifteen horses riding up my teeth in search of gum cancer!â
âYour not playing right!â Gollum/Smeagol howled. âHere, let us try. What has speakers, a monitor, a computer, keyboard, a mouse, and a bible on its desk?â
âHey!â I cried, âThats too hard! No fair!â
âI don't even know who I am talking about.â Smeagol said to Gollum. âWho could it be?â
âProbably a guy named Thomas.â Gollum said.
âHere, let me try once again.â I pleaded.
âYou may.â
âWhat has wax all over it, is burning, and is called Mrs. Needle.â I tried.
âA criminal covered in wax that is being burned at the stake for calling himself such a stupid name?â Smeagol guessed.
âYour not saying them right! Huh... Wait...â Gollum said this, then thought about something. âI understand. You are trying to distract me from getting my precious back!â
Gollum was writhing on the floor saying:
âHe Stole! He Stole! Lier Lier Pants on Fire! Oh!â
Then I said in a loud voice:
âYou sicken me.â
Gollum looked up at me. I told him:
âIf you can guess what is in my pocket, you may have your 'recious' back.â
âWhat could be in your pocket?â Golllum repeated. He tapped his chin, or what was left of it. âI will let Smeagol answer this one, he will know.â
âThis is an easy one.â Smeagol determined. I was shaking, but I had a back up plan.
âIt must be our precious!â Smeagol declared. Smeagol and Gollum high-fived once again. I felt in my pocket. There it was, The RING of POWER.
âSo Hand it over!â Gollum said, and reached out his hand.
âNo...â I answered in a robot like voice.
âWhat but you said...â
âThat is not what is in my pocket.â I pulled my hand out of my pocket and there was...
A piece of lent.
Gollum/Smeagol just stared at it for a long time, then, Gollum/Smeagol started crying like a little babys.
âYour mother would spank you if she saw you like this.â I told Gollum and Smeagol.
âOh please don't tell her, Please!â Gollum pleaded with me.
âAlright.â I replied, âbut be gone, I an going to take this ring to my wife because my wife is not dead, and because your wife is deceased. And probably disease to because she has been dead so long. Now if you excuse me, I will give it to my wife, then meet up with the dwarfs.â
âNo, not my ring! BOOHOO! Your so cruel, and unjust, It Wanted me! I'm cold! I don't have any clothes on! Don't leave me!â
âOk, listen, My wife needs a ring, and your wife is gone, bless her soul. I have a low budget, I mean, really low. I get two dollars a day for allowance How much money do you get I wish...â
As the continued to argue, Gollum got more, and more frustrated.
âHere, lets trade.â Gollum finally said. âI will give you these flowers I got on Mount Doom, and you give me that little ring. HeH?â
âI am sorry Gollum.â I laughed. âI can't do that! I am going home now.â
Chapter six
The Wife
MY Precious, My Precious, MY PRECIOUS!
Gollum ran after me all the way home screaming these words over and over again.
Finally I got so tired of him saying that over and over, I turned around and pulled out some rope. Gollums Eyes were closed and he was humming his little tune. He hopped up to me and put his head in the noose I made for him. Smeagol finally noticed that he was not going anywhere and opened his eyes.
âOh,â He said, âNo Wonder.â
Then, with cold fear in his eye, he saw me tighten the rope around his neck.
âYour not going to...â Smeagol whispered.
âOh yes.â I said in return.
âNOOOO!â Gollum wailed. âDon't do it! Don't do it!â
âI am sorry,â I said grimly, âbut I have to take you home and spank you and put you in time out.â
âYour not going to hang me?â Smeagol asked inquisitively.
âNo, now come on.â I said turning back on the road home. âI am late already.â
âIf I promisess.â Gollum said, âMay I be let go and go home.â
âNo!â
We walked in silence for a while. Then Gollum asked, âWhere did you get this rope?â
âThe elves.â
âOHHHHHHH!â Smeagol screamed, âLET ME GO! LET ME GO! Mercy! Mercy! YOU WIN! MY HANDS! OWWWWW!â
âWhy should Iâ I told him.
âBecause!âSmeagol said. âIn Botany class, this one girl, she was an elf, said that we should tie up each student for an experiment with the elven rope she brought. The Experiment was to know what it felt like to be in a cocoon.â Smeagol began to sob. âThat would not have been bad, except that I had really bad rashes from the poison Ive display I fell in to the day before. And since I have no clothes on, The rope hurt my rashes so, that I could not even try to get out of the ropes! They had to take me out of it when I fainted! I was all bleeding everywhere!â
âThe elf girl was so upset that she ran home and told her mother everything, and when the Father heard, He put a curse on me for causing his daughter so much grief! Now every time I touch the stuff and I know what it is, I get the rashes and the bleeding all over again!â
âAnd, I am not sure though, the girl was called Arwen, and the father Elrond.â Smeagol added.
I just stood there in blank amazement. I took off the rope and while Gollum was left on the road, licking his wounds, I continued on my way. Don't ever do that stupid thing Gollum did at home kids, because I saw some Goblins in a Ford drive by and Gollum, was still on the road. I did not back.
Later that day...
âHoney, I am home!â
I just had stepped in side the house. A Mole hill in a mountain, though my wife would not say that.
âHello.â I wife strode out of the kitchen with flour on her hands and a wooden spoon in her hand. I guess that she was in one of her good moods. I was wrong.
âYOUR LATE.â She screamed whacking me up side the head. Come to think of it, I don't think my wife is EVER in good moods.
âOww.â I moaned. âBut honey, I got you a present.â
âA present for me?â she growled. âHa! Junk it!â
âOh, please no!â I pleaded, âIt took a long time to find it! I had to beat thousands of Goblins! And just to bring it to you.â
âWell let me see it.â
I showed her the ring. She put it on. She screamed a hideous scream you probably don't want to read but you have to anyway.
âAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! JUNK IT! JUNK IT! It freaked me out!â
I grabbed the ring out of her hand and started squeezing it very hard I finally let go when I broke a tendon.
âThis ring just saved your life.â I said to her while I clutched my hand.
âHA! JUNK IT! IT looks like MerryToes eye!â The wife commanded me.
âMerryToes?â
âThats a command solider!â My wife said. âYes, MerryToes eye. MerryToes was my best friend before she... Oh I don't what to say it in front of that evil creature!â
âWhat evil creature?â I asked her.
âThe one clawing at the window!â
I looked up at the window and saw Gollum, who was not in a good condition concerning that he was ran over a car with Goblins in it. Gollum was jumping up and down saying:
â(Jump) My precious! (Fall) (Jump) My precious! (fall)â
And I, in a fit of rage through the ring at the window...
But it bounced off and landed on the floor. The ring began to shake. And Vibrate. And all the other good stuff too!
âI SEE YOUUUUUUUUUUUU! Cough Cough Gag Gag.â The ring said.
My wife picked it up and said in deep fury:
âJunk... it...â
She threw it at me. It landed in my hands. I walked outside. Gollum was right behind me. I threw him in the house and shut the door. My Wife, is in a rage. My wife, won't let me in the house. My wife won't talk to me. My wife, loved Gollum until the day he got away from her. I got to go meet up with Gandalf again...
Now we will take you back in the days
when this whole annoying thing happened...
In the next Chapter of course...
The Real chapter one
The Bubble Blower
This is a story about myself. I am a hobbit. I live in a hole in the ground called the bagger hole. It is a small, bagger like hole, and I was, I mean Am, very happy. My name is Bilbo Baggans. I told you that already. You Know, I was sitting on my door step when the gizzard came. Everyone is very nice to Gizzards, because they taste good. I hate Gizzards. That is why I became a bit rude. The Old Gizzard was riding up to my house in his ford while I sat on the door step, blowing bubbles. I am very proud of my Bubble blowing skills. I can blow sphere. I have a pink bubble blowing, which I got when I was two, I never gave it away.
I was doing this when the Old Gizzard pulled up to my house and ran over my flower bed. That did not make me very happy, but, with a smile on my face I said to him:
âGood Morning!â
He stopped his car and it died spudering protest.
âHey, Hey! Why are we here HEY! H-h-h-h-h-h-e-e-e-e-y-y-y...â
The Gizzard whacked it upside the hood and said to me:
âWhen you say good morning, are you following the pattern of the moon and star? Are you using your inner physic to determine if it really is a good morning? Or are you in some sort of cult?â
âUh, good morning.â I said again. I was hoping that he would say that all again clearer. He did not.
âOh, and by the way.â The Gizzard said, âMy name is Randolf. But you can call me Gandolf, everyone does.â
âThen why do you tell me your name is Randolf?â I asked him. I had stopped blowing bubbles.
âBecause I am a Gizzard!â The Gizzard Replied, âDon't you know me Bilbo Baggans?â
âOh!â I shouted, standing up, âYour, Thhhhhheeeeeee Gandalf! Oh, they told me so much about you!â
âOh really.â He replied sheepishly, âAnd what did they say?â
âThat you were a Old Gizzard.â I answered him.
âFair enough. May I sit down?â
Sure Go on! Intrude! Perfect day to blow bubbles eh?â I told him as he sat down.
âActually, My purpose here is of a different reason.â He said.
âWhat is your purpose?â He had caught my interest.
âI am looking for someone to go on an adventure and probably not live through it and if he did he would die of the wounds.â Gandalf said casually.
âWell, I don't think your find anyone like that here. In fact, I don't think you will find anyone, even if you searched the whole of Middle Earth, Center earth, or in Between earth!â I answered him, But I kept glancing at him, siting next to me.
âWell, what about you?â His word penetrated my soul. It hurt. My Father was a Took. He took everything he found on adventures. I think I have a bit of me in him, but not that day.
âNo!â I said to him, standing up. âAnd I suggest that you look else where for your person! It took me hours just to find some one to go weed my garden! Good Morning!â
âWhen you say good Morning,â Gandalf said, smiling at me, âI think you are thinking about how much you want me to go, Your Father Took who took an adventure unlike you, and your physic connections. I recommend aspirin.â
âWow.â I said in amazement, like under a trance by the door, which is where I was and doing doing at the time. âWould you like to come to tea tomorrow? We can talk about in more.â
âYes, tomorrow.â He said grinning still. He climbed up into his ford and started it. âAfter I take a bath. I stink! But then again, I am a Gizzard! And Gizzards always stink We travel around so! Well, Good Morning Mr. Bilbo Baggains!
âYes! Good Morning!â I said happily. âThat you for the advise, you know, about the aspirin!â
But he did not hear. He was muttering something about what he meant when he said Good Morning:
âI Probably was referring to, âI am so glad I made you come on adventure!â Well, almost anyway. Either that or the Moon and Stars! Maybe even a cult! That would be fun...â
I then stepped out of the trance.
âI invited him for Tea? Oh Great!â I thought.
I turned to him, driving down the road.
âGood Morning!â I shouted at him. I began to wonder what I meant my Good Morning but I stopped. I then Stomped my foot. I stepped on a tack. I opened the door, walked in, and then slammed it. I even forgot my Bubble blower. I did not care. I was so made at the disgusting Gizzard called Gandalf. Well, at that moment, I did not care if he was called Rose! I still could not have liked him, any more. But don't worry, that changed.
The Real chapter two
The Dwarves
I had sat down my the fire that night, thinking about that days experiences. I let out a big sigh. I was so glad that that day was over. As I stared into the fire, it put me into a trance, and I fell asleep.
The next morning, I awoke to the sound of knocking on my door. It sounded as if it was urgent, And I guessed it had been knocking for quick some time. But what I wanted to know, is who was the knocker. Then I remembered.
âOh, dear!â I cried. âIt must be that annoying old Gizzard, coming for tea!â I hurriedly packed up some of yesterdays actives, Got the tea out, put the water on to boiling, and straitened my collar.
I opened the door and said, âI am sorry Gandalf but I must say that you are too tall to fit in this houseâ But there stood not Gandalf, but a scruffy looking Dwarf. And he could fit in the house with ease.
âWell it is about time.â The dwarf said, âLook at me hands!â
They were brown and dirty but no sign of hurt or pain.
âWhat is wrong with them?â I asked him, very much perplexed.
He stepped in, like he was a disco king and said, âThey're dirty!â
âDid my door do that?â
âNo, just stating a fact.â he said. He then looked me over like I was some sort of baggage. âYou don't look much like a thief.â
âThank you.â I studdered.
He then did a disco break dance. At the end of the performance, I clapped, and he said:
âDwain, and your service.â He set his hat on the hat rack. I answered his statement with a:
âBiblbo Baggins at yours!â
âAt my WHAT?â He said very much offended.
âWho, what, where?â I replied, very confused at this dwarf that had come into my home.
âNever mind.â Dwain said. He Beat bobbed his way into the kitchen. âHey Billo. Oh, sorry. Uh, Biaon! Well, uh Belgin!â
âBIBLO!â I shouted at him. I was trying to put the coat on the rack more neatly. I had already closed the door.
âYou have any deer?â
âAny What?â I said, Ffinally getting the coat on the rack. I walked to the kitchen and saw him peaking into my fridge.
âI thought for sure youed have some deer.â
âIs that the dwarfish version of Beer?â
âWhat's beer?â Dwain asked me. But before I could answer, another knock was heard.
âMaybe it's Gandalf this time!â I thought to myself. But is was not. It was another older dwarf playing Game Boy.
âI see they have began to arrive here.â he said, not even looking up from the game me, but setting his hat on Bilbo, thinking that he was a hat stand. Bilbo again put the hat on the rack while the two dwarves talked in the kitchen, the later, not even looking up from his game.
Hello Baltic!â Dwain said to Baltic. Then he yelled to me, âHey, the brown stuff in the Frigy taste a lot like Deer!â
âThat is because it...â I began to say but another knock was heard. I really had no hope of it being Gandalf.
âHello.â Said one.
âHello.â Said another.
There were two dwarves this time. I asked them, beginning to feel like a robot:
âWhat is your name Earthing?â
âKiwi!â Said one.
âAnd Fe-Fe!â Said the other.
âGo, on.â I said to them, âGo join the others and eat all my food.
âThank you.â Said Kiwi.
âThank you very much!â Said Fe-Fe.
They walked into the kitchen with me. The sight I saw was not a happy one. Dwain was doing a break dance on a floor covered in ice cream saying over and over again:
âThe ice-ice-ice Cr-Cr-Cream makes De flooo-o-o-o-o-o-r Smoo-Smoo-Smoothhhhhhh, Yeah!
Baltic was Laying on the table playing his game boy with a beer stuck in his mouth. He was taking it down fast. Already five bottles sat right next to him. Then when I turned around, I saw in horror that Kiwi and Fe-Fe were singing acapela on the counter, with there arms on each others shoulders. I left the room to escape it. I heard a familiar sound.
âKNOCK KNOCK!â
âYes?â I said to the door. Then, noticing that the door was closed, I opened the door and said:
âYes? Anyone there?â
âYou OK?â âYou fine?â âYou physic?â âYou Funny?â âYou Thief like?â
There Stood FIVE Dwarves. They stepped in and said to me:
âI am Doris.â âI am Boris.â âI am Orb.â âI am Owen.â âI am Groin.â
âI am Abraham Lincoln.â I told them. They set there hats on the rack while I said:
âFour Score and Seven Years ago, our father...â
Doris, Boris, Orb, Owen, and Groin tip toes out of the room while I continued. I them finished my speech. They were not there. I heard Knocking on the door. I ran to The Dwarves in the other room and Shouted:
âHey, Guess What!â
âWhat?â They asked me. The Dwarves Stopped there Activities; except for Baltic, who had now ten empty Bottles of beer next to him and continued playing and drinking.
âMore Dwarves are here, Can you Believe that?â I walked to the door to open it. The Dwarves in the kitchen looked at each other; except for Baltic, shrugged, and continued in there play.
I opened the door. Four Dwarves piled on me. I started Screaming Bloody Murder. The Dwarves got off my and dusted them self off. I felt my chest for daggers. There were no knives.
âBarfer.â one Dwarf said. He tipped his hat, set it on the rack, and went into the kitchen.
âBozo.â Another Dwarf told. He also tipped his hat, set it on the rack, and went into the kitchen.
âBomber.â The second to last dwarf told me. He tipped his hat, set it on the rack, curtsied, and went into the kitchen.
âThorn.â The Last and gruffest Dwarf said. He was very important looking. He Slightly Tipped his hat, set it on the rack, and went into the kitchen.
I sat down in the entry way and put my hands in my face. I cried out:
âOh, were is Gandalf, and why are all these Dwarves here?â
âWell, I can answer those questions.â A voice from the door way said. I looked up, and there stood Gandalf. I was about to say something, but he said:
âTo answer the first one: Gandalf is right here. And to answer the Second, Because I put my sign on the door.â And with that, he pushed the door all the way open, making the outside of the door viable to me. There, on the door, was a big, round, Smiley Face.
The Real chapter three
Dinner and a Show
âAre we all here?â Gandalf said to us. The Dwarves: Dwain, Baltic, Kiwi, Fe-Fe, Doris, Boris, Orb, Owen, Groin, Barfer, Bozo, Bomber, Thorn and I sat at my table. I must add that we were all very squished. I could smell Barfer. He did not smell very pleasant.
âOh, I hope there is something left for the slow pokes to eat! It that Tea? Never touch the stuff, I would like a little wine if you please.â Gandalf said to me. Then all the Dwarves started calling off things that they wanted:
âI want apple pie, fresh from the oven!â
âI want a salad and a hot dog!â
âI want a weapon of mass destruction!â
âI want my mother!â
âMore deer please.â
âNone of these things are too much for you are they Bilbo?â Gandalf said, looking at me with a look in his eye.
I of course, was overwhelmed with all these orders, not to mention the presents of many dwarves in my house. And what Gandalf said after the orders did not make me feel any better. I stumbled off to the kitchen wondering if I could find Hitler for the weapon of mass destruction.
But the orders kept coming and one little Hobbit, Like myself, could only take so many orders!
âI want a chocolate milkshake!â
âI want a corvette!â
âI want six pounds of Donuts!â
âI just want more deer thank you.â
I ran back to the kitchen feeling like I ran a marathon. The things were getting harder to get. I mean, I could get a weapon of mass destruction easy, but six pounds of donuts! I mean, come on!
And before I could help myself, I screamed,
âConfusticate and disgustitaste and discombobulate and bebrother these dwarves! Why don't they give me their hands? I would like to have FOUR HANDS!!!!â
Lo and high! There stood Ke-we and Fe-Fe! They came in and before you could say, supercalafragulistic, They had stolen everything from my kitchen! I ran after them screaming. But I then found out that they were setting out more food and tables. If I was not all ready embarrassed at that point when I was screaming in the kitchen about help (which I was), I was even more embarrassed when I was screaming,
âThief! Thief! That Ke-We and That dog of a Fe-Fe stole my stuff! Thief! Thief!â
This cause lots of laughter in the room. I when to the kitchen to throw up, but Fe-Fe was already back there, cleaning dishes in the sink. I had to resort to a bowl.
After everything settled down and the last of the food was being eaten. (many hours later) Thorn said,
âWe won't be able to get through the meeting till late, and we must waste our time doing frivolous things, so lets play ring around the rosy!â
âTic-Tac-Toe!â
âMother may I!â
I stared in blank amazement at grown men (dwarves) wanting to play little kid games. Then Gandalf suggested,
âWhy don't we sing something?â
âYes Yes! Lets sing something!â Said the dwarves. Then they started whispering to each other. Then all of the dwarves, except for thorn who was too dignified to, suddenly got up, almost giving me a heart attack, and ran around the table, clearing it, singing this:
Chip my glasses and crack my back
Blunt the navel and give me more slack
That's what Bilbo Baggins is confused about!
Smash the bottles of deer but don't forget to drink them first my dear.
Cut the fat and tread on the cloth
Pour the pantry floor on the milk
Leave the bedroom mat on the bones!
Splash the door on every wine!
Dump the boliling acids in the crocks,
Pound them with a bouncing pole!
And when you are done, make sure you are clean before you mother walks in the door!
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates if he only knew what we were talking about!
So carefully! Carefully smash him on the head with these stack of plates!
The song rather made me feel faint, and by the end of the song, I was working on three paper bags.
âOh, sorry about some of the words.â thorn said sheepishly, âMy friends sometimes forget and add some words.â
When I got off the floor, and opened the eyes that I thought were welded together, I saw the table cleared, and all the dwarves and Gandalf staring at me.
âWhat a way to act in front of guests.â I thought. I got up and sat at the table. They still stared at me.
âHello.â I said waving. They still stared.
âWhere we that boring?â Bomber asked to no one in particular.
âBiblo, what a thing to do in a story.â Gandalf said with reproach at me.
âWhat did I do?â I asked very much upset.
âYou feel asleep during the song, âFar over the misty mountains!â Gandalf said, shaking his head. âNow the readers don't know what happened!â
I looked in the corner. A stack of instruments were in the there.
âOh, gee...â I mumbled. âSorry, but it was just a song, right?â
âThankfully.â Gandalf said, âyou did not miss the meeting...â
âJUST A SONG!!!â all the dwarves hollered. âJUST A SONG!!â
âWhen Bilbo said just a song, He meant that it was just a song he missed, not the most important thing why we are here, for the meeting.â Gandalf said, then added, âAnd also because he did not take aspirin when I recommended it to him yesterday.â Gandalf waved his finger back and forth.
âOHHHHHHHHHH.â The dwarves said. They sat down and took the knives back to the kitchen.
âAlright.â said Thorn, âOn with the meeting!â
The Real chapter Four
The Big Speech
âWhat about a little light while we do the meeting?â I asks as I rubbed my eyes.
âWe like the dark!â The dwarves said, âDark in a dark room in a dark world with dark people with dark beards is what we like best!â
âHuh?â I replied with my eyes rolled back in the sockets. I fell down and landed in the fire place, the moose head from above falling on my head and the pokers falling on the floor. I got up screaming. I ran forward, fell over the pokers, and smashed my head through the window While Singing âRudolf the red nosed reindeer.â
âHush!â Gandalf said to me. âLet Thorn get a word in edge wise before you destroy something! Excuse me, what are you singing?â
I had gotten out of the window and taken the moose head off while singing, âThe Rocky and Bullwinkle Song.â
âGandalf, Dwarves and Bullwink... I mean Rudol... I mean Mr Baggins!â Thorn studdered, âWe are met together in the hole in the ground of our âFriendâ and Fellow Constipationer, The most interesting and distastful Hobbit â" may the hairs on his... on his... I can't remember... anyway, All Praise to his wining and his deer!â Thorn held out his hand and Bomber handed him a asma device.
âBreath in and out Thorn.â Bomber repeated.
âThink you.â Thorn said coughing. âNow... Bilbo, are you alright?â
I was in a coma on the table trying to understand what fellow Constipationer meant. When I Came too, he Continued:
âWe are met to have a lot of fun then at the last minute talk really quickly and get things done. Before the breaking of mister Bilbo, we will start our journey, a journey from which all of us with out no doubt, positively, really aren't, going to come back. Is it a very funny moment.â
It might have been if I had not been plugging my ears and singing âBe nice to your web footed friends.â thought I don't think I could have gotten anything funny from it. When the dwarves got out of their clown suits, thorn continued.
âOur object is, I take it...â He winked at his dwarf friends, âWell known to us all. Except for Mr. Baggans. We will explain...â
I must addmit, I did not get all of it but it sounded like this:
âWe... and ... you... are... dying...fun... HA HA HA!!!... uh... well...kill...gold...dragon...nice...not...done.â
At this point I was about to let out steam like a little kettle that has too much water in it and it boils over and the entire house gets A big bill on flood damage. At this point I DID let out a lot of steam like a little kettle that has too much water in it and it boils over and the entire house gets A big bill on flood damage.
âHelp!...WE..Die...Me...Help... Gee... we... I... die... get... sassy... I... upset... get... going....deer!â
After the dwarves head where pulled out of the roof, Randalf struck a blue light on the end of his ugly staff, and it showed me, a poorly dressed hobbit due to the amount of boiling water that was all over me, on the floor, kneeling and jumping at the same time, shaking like a little kid who had to much to drink before getting in to the car to go on a two hour trip. Then, I lay flat on the floor, making sure my mouth did not touch it, and continued to have spasims while saying,
âHow Now, Brown Cow! How Now, Brown Cow!â Over and over again.
The dwarves picked me up and set me on the sofa with a glass of soda next to me on the table, which was the last thing I needed. I was thinking chiropractor.
âExcitable little guy!â Gandalf said as he called the insane asylum. âGets funny little fits, but he is not as good at me! HA HA!â He looked nervously at the dwarves. They were as grim as a grimlin.
âHe can be as fierce as a mouse in a pinch...â Gandalf said with a little shrug. âOh Hello?â he was talking on the phone When I woke up, âoh got to hang up now, we have a little man on our sofa who won't get up! No, I know that your not the Get little men of sofas Company! Why I should... never mind, good bye!â he hung up the phone and looked at the dwarves and the newly recovered me. âThey are going to pick me up in a few days... he he.â
While Gandalf was on his phone and I had just woke up, I heard the dwarves also saying to them self,
âWill he do?â
âDo you think?â
âIt is all OK for Gandalf to talk, but I don't want to talk!â
âWill he steal stuff back?â
âHe looks more like my mother then a theif!â
âOh, look, he's awake!â
Both Gandalf and the Dwarves stopped there talking when I came in the room.
âPardon me.â I said to the strange group. âIf I have overheard words that you were saying, and I know there were because only you are in the room and since you is a very vag word, it means any of you, And I don't pretend to understand the quadratic formula of six, but I think I am right in believing that this is, you know, I got, you understand of course, that you think that I am no good...right?â
âYes.â
â Well, I knew you thought that.â I answered weekly, â But, just tell me what is to be done, and I will try not to mess up, if I have to walk someplace, I won't trip! If I have to fight wild Were Worms, I won't gag and throw up, and I want you to know also that I had a great great grand uncle one, Bullroarer Took, and...â
âYes, yes, but that was so long ago, even thorn can't remember it very well... HA HA HA!!â After Groin said this he was nursing the bump on his jaw from the fist of a dwarf named Thorn.
âHe means.â Thorn interrupted, âThat we are talking about you. And I heard from Gandalf that there was a man of the sort in these parts looking for a job at once, and that he had arranged for a meeting here this ... I can't remember... Tuesday? Oh well, Some what every day at tea time! And So Someone put a mark on the door tell us where to find you!â
âOh,â Gandalf replied, âI put the mark there, and such a pretty mark...â Gandalf stepped out of the daze and suddenly turned mean. âAnd if any one wants a new fourteenth man... Oh, sorry... Hobbit, Then just say and I will beat the heck out of you and then you can go back to cleaning peoples houses!â
âGandalf!â Kewi Complained, âyou said you wouldn't tell!â
Then Gandalf gave such a chilling look that all the dwarves ran and grabbed there coats.
âThats better.â Gandalf said coolly, âLet's have no more argument, well, not until later, you see, I read in the script that there was another argument later on on the...â
âYour not supposed to do that!â Fe-Fe said in shock.
âWell I had just one little peak...â Gandalf said, putting his fingers as close together as he could.
âLet's forget about it.â Barfer said, âNow Mr. Baggans, my boy, Fetch the lamp and lets have a little light on this!
âWhat is it, the script?â Gandalf said excitedly.
âNO!â The Dwarves yelled back.
On the table, in the light of the lamp that I brought a little while later, There was spread a piece of parchment rather like a map.
âJust a map!â Gandalf said bitterly.
The Real chapter Five
The Story
âThis map,â Gandalf proclaimed, âMarks the hidden passage in the hall of the dwarves.â All the dwarves nodded in understanding. Gandalf stared at them for a second then said, âDid you even know there was a secret door in the mountain?â All the dwaves shook their heads in confusion.
âThis map,â Gandalf continued, âIs the construction plan for the halls of the dwarves that was built into the mountain. The secret passage on the map is marked with a flower.â
âOne of your descendant most likely.â Baltic whispered to Doris. Doris just frowned and continued to listen to Gandalf intently. Gandalf glared and them.
âSo I think that's about it...â He looked at each one of us, leaned back in his chair, and sighing.
âI don't think so...â Thorn said. âThis tunnel may have been secret once, but how do we know that darn worm hasn't discovered it already? He's been there long enough.â
âExcuse me.â I called out quietly. All eyes turned to me. I gulped and continued, âI don't think that a worm is that big of a deal.â
âHa!â Dwain laughed, âWhat could this hobbit possibly know about worms!â To tell you the truth, the only thing that I knew about worms was that they were in my garden, and that you use them to fish. Gandalf knew that I was confused and said with a small chuckle:
âAh, the poor boy thinks that the worm we are discussing is the kind of worm in a garden!â He chuckled once more then continued, âNo my dear Bilbo, the worm we are talking about eats little hobbits for desert.â
âDo these 'worms', like eating desert?â I asked him.
âOf course they...â Gandalf stopped mid sentence and thought. He started stuttering 'dess', 'des', 'desser'...â He stopped, looked around the room and shrugged. âAnyway...â He answered, âThe hole is too small for the dragon to notice.â
âWhat is a drag...â I began.
Gandalf held up a finger and shouted, âLet's not start that again!â He wiped his forehead and pushed his hair back. âOne other thing.â He took a key from his pocket. âthis key goes with the secret door in the halls of the dwarves.â He handed it to Thorn. âDon't lose it, or you'll be in big trouble!â Gandalf laughed but quickly stopped when he saw everyone's grim faces. Then he said: âKeep it safe.â
âWhy would we get in big trouble?â I asked him. I knew that if we lost it, we would have to walk all the way back, but why would that get us in big trouble?
âBecause!â Gandalf said nervously. âIt also doubles as my house key, and you don't want me to sleep outside do you?â All the dwarves shook their heads and agreed with him.
âDon't worry,â Thorn said. I'll keep it safe.â He stuffed the key into this pants.
âI said somewhere safe.â Gandalf replied angrily, and Thorn hastily put it on a chain on his neck.
Thorn then gave Gandalf the travel brochure. âWe'll take the road past Water Walking, then to the messed up housing of daily, the town underneath the shadow of our mountain!â Thorn said proudly, âWhen would you like to book a trip?â
âI wouldn't book a trip with your travel plain even if I was contemplating suicide, which is what you would be doing if you took that road!â Gandalf replied. The room went quiet and Gandalf went on, âI suggest that you take...â Gandalf tapped his fingers on the table and pointed to me. âWhy don't we let my good, good friend Bilbio Decided!â Gandalf let out a sigh while I a breathed in hastily.
âYes,â Thorn laughed with this arms in the air, his hands forming claws while the room turned black and thunder rolled in the sky, âLet's let the hobbit decide our fate! HA HA HA!!â
The dwarves just whispered, âSorry, he does this a lot. Power hungry, or just plain hungry. Can't really tell any more, they are very similar in appearance.â I sat in the corner with my atlas thinking. By the time Thorn calmed down and was fed, I had my answer. I sat down next to the group and they all stared at me. With confidence, I answered, âI don't really understand what is happening.â
âYou thought all that up just during your time in the corner?â Barfer asked in a dumbfounded voice.
âFor goodness sake!â Gandalf said in surprise, âDidn't you see the map? Did you not hear our song?â All the dwarves stared at Gandalf with their arms crossed, and Gandalf sheepishly turned and sat down.
âDid you not hear our song?â The dwarves said in unison.
âI would like to know what are the risks what are the expenses, and am I going to come back alive!â I told them all.
âVery well...â Gandalf said, âIt all began when I was just a little wizard. I had just learned my first spell when by father told me it was my two hundred birthday, which meant I could learn a new spell! I then took the wizards train to the town of Randalfian and...â After Gandalf opened is eyes from the land of nostalgia, he realized that everyone was waiting for him to finish.
âThank you for being so patiences.â Gandalf said happily. He tried to continue, but Thorn began his story, the one that I was really interested in. Although it would be interesting to learn how Gandalf became a wizard...
âA long, long time ago,â Thorn began with this story, âGod created the heavens and the earth...â Bomber bumped Thorns shoulder and whispered something in his ear. âWhat?â Thorn called out. âOh... Really? Not that far back huh? Very well...â Thorn leaned back to his former position and tried again.
âA long time ago.â Thorn looked at Bomber in question. Bomber nodded to Thorn and then Thorn happily continued his story. âMy family lived in the far north, and came back with wealth, tools, and Eskimos!â At this all the dwarves nodded, smiled, and nudged each others shoulders. Thorn grunted and continued after the dwarves calmed down.
âThey took their things to the mountain the dragon lives in now! My old ancestor, The-rain the Old...â The entire company in the room chuckled very slightly but Thorn ignored them. âdiscovered it. They mined and mined until the halls were formed. They found many jewels and much gold after the digging was finished, and they grew very famous because of their wealth. The-rain was once again the King under the Mountain, and was revered very highly by mortal men.â All the dwarves made a âHa Haâ sound and then followed it with a âMortal men, humf...â Thorn just looked at them distastefully and began once more.
âThe men who lived down the stream of Walking Water built the town of Daily, which spread up to the river, almost to the door of the mountain. Fathers asked for their sons to be taken as apprentices to learn our trade, our smiths were looked up upon with the highest of honor, and they paid us generously for our food, which we could never eat all by ourself.â
âWe got close several times though.â Fe-Fe whispered in my ear and I believed him after what I had seen that night.
âBut then it happened.â Thorn said soberly and all the dwarves were silent. I was sitting in my chair, my elbows leaning against the table with my head resting in my hands. Gandalf sat on the edge of his seat, bitting his lip and taping his foot on the floor in anticipation. All the dwarves sat with their hands crossed, with sober faces standing above their beards.
âThe dragon came.â Thorn sighed and slammed his fists into the table. He looked down and saw the damage he had created and gave a little, âOops.â
âDon't worry.â I said hurriedly, âIt's insured.â
âThank you.â Thorn said gratefully. He leaned back and brushed his fists. âThis dragon...â
âI do have a question though...â I asked timidly. Thorn looked at me and waited for the words to come.
âWhich one is its name, dragon or worm?â
Thorn just laughed gruffly and replied, âNeither my friend. Those are just the names for the creature itself, not its title.â He made as if he was to go on with the story, so I interrupted once again.
âExcuse me, but you have not yet told me his name.â
Thorn looked at me and nodded in understanding. âYou want to know the name of the dreadful creature you will have to kill, huh?â I was about to exploded with a large âWhat!â but Thorn continued quickly. âWell, we haven't agreed on a name for him yet, so we each have a different one.â Thorn tapped his fingers on my previously elegantly carved oak table. A few seconds later he stopped and began to speak again. âThat give me an idea. Let's each say the name we
Sorry about the annoying A?? things... if you can, try to get past them and just read the stories.. thanks...
Thorn looked at me and nodded in understanding. âYou want to know the name of the dreadful creature you will have to kill, huh?â I was about to exploded with a large âWhat!â but Thorn continued quickly. âWell, we haven't agreed on a name for him yet, so we each have a different one.â Thorn tapped his fingers on my previously elegantly carved oak table. A few seconds later he stopped and began to speak again. âThat give me an idea. Let's each say the name we have for him, and let the hobbit decide his name, he is the one that is going to kill him, so why not let him talk to the worm in the name of his choice!â I was again going to call out with a large âWhat?â but the dwarves all nodded and murmured their agreement.
âI will begin.â Thorn began. âMy name for the dragon is Rosy!â
âMeateater.â Dwain called out.
âSpherey.â Orb said.
âIcy.â Baltic yelled.
âGooseberry.â Bozo told.
âPainfilly.â Groin reported.
âFruity.â Kiwi commented.
âCookscoo.â Doris said.
âYucky.â Barfer stated.
âMangy.â Fe-Fe barked.
âCrashboomdestroyer.â Bomber mentioned.
âKarloffy.â Boris proclaimed.
âMean-dragon-who-kicked-us-out-of-our-home!â Owen roared. Then all the dwarves began to bicker with one another, leaving me with Gandalf and thirteen names to chose from.
Gandalf put his large hand on my shoulder and said in my ear. âthey are a bit unruly, hum? Well, they are dwarves, and dwarves like to argue over just about everything. Would you like help choosing a name Bilbo?â I nodded and Gandalf and I sat on the bench in the kitchen to discus the matter. In the other room the dwarves were hollering this and that, insulting each other, and pulling each other's noses in anger.
Thirty minutes later, most of the fighting had died down, and Gandalf and me tip toed into the living room and sat back down in our former places. I looked at the table is horror, for not only did one end of it have two fist circles that went in an inch deep in it, but it was covered with dirty dwarf sized foot prints. âDon't worry.â I thought to myself, âIt's insured.â
The dwarves now sat with there bodies hanging limp in the chairs with their eyes closed. Every once and a while and half asleep dwarf would whisper an insult to the dwarf next to him, and the one would answer back with another insult but then both would go silent. This happened every minute and after ten minutes they did not wake up.
Gandalf came up to me and said, âThey must be tired after walking here, eating a large meal, singing a few songs, arguing, listening to Thorn tell a story, and then arguing some more. Why don't we let them rest? I can tell you the rest of the story myself.â
This surprised me. I asked him, âHow can you tell the story, if he did not finish it Gandalf?â
A devilish grin filled his face and he produced a piece of paper rolled up in his pocket. I had the feeling I knew what this was. He unrolled it and laid it on the table, pushing aside a dwarf's head that was sucking his thumb in the process. âIt's the script!â He proclaimed happily. âWould you like to know what is going to happen to you at the end of this story Bilbo? Hum?â
I shook my head viciously. âNo thank you Gandalf, it may be OK with you wizards, but not for us hobbits.â
âVery well.â He replied sullenly. He swung his feet up on the table and lit a pipe and began to smoke, which caused all the dwarves to sniff in deeply and murmurer something about pipeweed. I ran to my room for my pipe, but remembered I left it out on the porch. I ran outside and looked about for it. I finally found it lying in a bush off to the side from the porch, most likely pushed aside by the dwarves when they arrived. I ran back into the living room and sat in the chair next to the head of the table, for Gandalf sat at the head. I then lit my pipe also, causing more dwarf murmuring and sniffing, and listened to the rest of Thorn's story unfold.
âThen the dragon came. Dragons steal wealth from the rich, but unlike their cousins, the merry men of the forest, they don't give it to the poor. They usually hoard it until they die, which is a long time unless killed in battle or ambush. They have no notion of bad or good, they can do nothing themselves, but depends on stealing the wealth of others for their benefit. There are even rumors from some men of Daily that if a dragon scale is loose, that the dragon can not repair it, and it might just fall off.â
âThat's interesting.â I told Gandalf as I puffed out a ring of smoke.
He merely chuckled with glee. âI knew that you were going to say that, it's in the script!â I gulped and felt rather uneasy. Gandalf Laughed a second longer then continued.
âThere were a lot of dragons in the north in olden days. But the gold was getting scare due to the fact that all the dwarves came running to Dixie. So the dragons came down south to bug the dwarves once more. There was one dragon, especially mean, strong, and smelly. The name of the worm was argued over for a long time. Since Thorn was the heir to the mountain, the other dwarves that were not dead let him chose the name. Thorn invited all the dwarves to give suggestions to him. So all the dwarves lined up and wrote down their ideas for names for the dragon. This was done outside because it was nice outside and because the mountain was being attacked by a large dragon they did not have a name for.â
I coughed and looked down while shaking my head. Gandalf looked at me with open eyes of amusement as well and then turned back two the script.
âThorn narrowed the choices for names down to thirteen. The thirteen dwarves that gave these names were Dwain, son of Pain. Baltic, son of Ocean. Kiwi, son of Guacamole. Fe-Fe, son of Domesticated. Doris, son of a gun. Boris, son of stein-en-frank. Orb, son of Scott Dublin. Owen, son of Lars. Groin, son of But-ox. Barfer, son of Flu. Bozo, son of Wee-pee. Bomber, son of Man. And of course, Thorn, son of The Rain. Even after narrowing it down to thirteen names, Thorn still could not decide which one was the best, so a decision has still not been made.
The dwarves decided to put off the name choosing until later, and to run away at the present moment. The worm had come from the north like a hurricane, and the trees were snapped in two by these mighty winds he created with his wings. It was almost like the civil War all over again, the northerner vs. the southerner. And like the Civil War, the south lost again. The dwarves that were lucky to be outside in the forest, including Thorn, were able to escape but the dwarves inside the mountain were not as fortunate.
The dragon came and set the mountain on fire, and the city of Daily. When the warriors of men and dwarves were armed with their arms, they came out of their houses and the mountain to be burnt to a crisp. The worm then went inside the mountain and burn every last dwarf up and piled all the wealth in the main hall. Every time he sleeps, he lays upon the pile of riches. The dragon frequently went to the city of Daily, and kidnapped maidens that looked strikingly similar to Katharine Hepburn and Audrey Hepburn. He then later eats them, or fell in love with them, which usually lead to the same thing when it comes to dragons. Soon, the entire population of Daily ran away or were killed. Dwarf tales say that no man lives closer to the mountain then ruins of the city of Daily, and that the town was rebuilt a couple miles from the ruins.â
I wiped a tear from my eye. I had stopped smoking and had set my pipe on the table. Gandalf sat there looking at me, with saddest in his eyes too. He had stopped smoking his pipe as well, so he emptied it, and set it on the table as well. I was sure that if a wizard showed any emotions, that it would never come through as crying. I tear also fell from his eye as well. Gandalf quickly brushed it aside and stood up.
âThese dwarves smell up the room so, it is making my eye water. Let's go make some beds for them in the Entry way, hm?â He stood up and began to haul each one into the entry way, were I then put a blanket over each of them and a pillow under their heads. They just snuggled in and started snoring. When Gandalf and I went in to the living room to fetch Thorn, he was awake, and smoking my pipe as easy as you please.
As we entered Thorn said in a gruff voice, âThe few of us that were in the forest sat and wept, starting at the mountain lit up like bonfire.â Thorn stood up,and began to pace back and forth, my pink bubble blower letting out a stream of smoke that left a trail as he paced.
âWe cursed that dirty worm, and spat upon him.â Thorn told with this pipe still puffing smoke. âBut none of us could spit that far, so we stuck with cursing.â He looked at us with red rimmed eyes and a beard tangled and filled with bits of food and stained with deer. âMy father and my grandfather thankfully made it out alive, but their beards were singed.â He tenderly caressed his beard with his hands as he talked more. âWhen I asked what happened, my father told me to hold my tongue and to say 'eter piper picked a peck of pickled peppers' three times fast.â Tears came from Thorn's eyes and mine but Gandalf just stood next to me looking very solemn. âWe had to lower ourself to the profession of a blacksmiths and coal miners just to stay alive.â Thorn raised his fist and voice and declared, âBut I have never forgotten our dwarvish treasure lying in the halls of my grandfather and father, underneath the body of the disgusting worm while he sleeps!â Thorn sat back down in his chair and covered his face with his hands. Gandalf and I just stood there, watching the figure in the chair intently. The hands soon left the face and reached down to the golden chain that held the key and fingered it tenderly. âWe still mean to get the treasure back, and to send the curses and spit using priority mail.â Thorn whispered gently as his finger finally left the gold chain.
âRemember, my dear Thorn.â Gandalf finally said, walking into the room and sitting in his former place, âThat you must pay the costs before you can send.â I must admit, I did not quite understand what that meant but Thorn did, because he nodded in response.
I sat down in a chair and Thorn answered Gandalf's statement, âYou mean the secret door, don't you? I wondered how my father and grand father escaped, but now I see they must have left through the side door that you say is marked with a flower. But how did you get a hold of the map? Why did I not inherit it, as I am the heir?â
Gandalf replied, âWell, first of all, that was not I meant when I said 'ay the costs', I really meant 'ay the costs'.â Gandalf shook his head. âThe price on postage these days is unbelievable...â Thorn looked up at Gandalf and gave him the black stare of stupidity. To me I was not sure weather the stupidity was coming from Gandalf's statement or Thorn's look. âSecond,â Gandalf continued, âI did not get a hold of the map, I was put on hold for the map, for nearly three years until your grandfather Thor was killed by Eggnog the Goblin in the mines of Mort.â
âAh, that demon!â Thorn said angrily, âwasn't my grandfather's fault what he died! He mistook that goblin for a bar tender, it was soda fountain that did it. He drowned my father! Thankfully, Eggnog's recipe called for three shots of rum, so my grandfather was drunk before he died.â Thorn wiped another tear from his eye.
Gandalf patted his back in sympathy. âYour father went away four thousand, eight-hundred Thursdays ago and has been gone for gone for thirty-three thousand, six hundred days, eight hundred six thousand, four hundred hours, forty eight million...â
âAlright already!â Thorn barked at Gandalf.
Gandalf looked hurt, but went back to the subject. âI was given the map from your father before he left. He told me to give it to you, and I am giving it to you now.â
âHow long have you had them?â Thorn asked Gandalf.
âFor a while.â Gandalf twiddled his thumbs and looked up at the roof very intently while whistling.
âWhy?â I asked surprised. This wasn't like Gandalf at all.
âWell...â Gandalf said sheepishly, âThe neighbors liked the map so much, and I became know very well in the House of Wizards, that I decided to keep it just for a little while.â
âFigures.â Thorn murmured to himself.
âAnyway, here it is.â Gandalf took it out of his belt and handed it to Thorn.
Thorn took it from Gandalf's hand and tucked it in his fanny pack. âWhat I still don't understand is why my father would give it to you.â
âIt's quite simply really.â Gandalf said while laughing, âYour grandfather gave it to your father before he left for the mines of Mort, and your father went off to give a go with the map after your grandfather died. He never reached the mountain though, and I found him dead in the dungeons of the Necking-Lancers.
âWhy was he there I wonder...â Thorn said very bewildered.
âSome sort of scandal I think.â Gandalf mused. He soon stopped though and returned to the present matter. âWho cares anyway. Now, I tried to save him, but he died before I could. I only wish I knew who's fault it was. When I searched his body, I found the map and the key you wear on your neck Thorn.â
âI thought you said that he gave those thing to you, not that you striped his poor body of them!â Thorn said indignantly.
âWill you please stop bringing up unimportant matters!â Gandalf bellowed.
âI can if I want too!â
âYou really think so, don't you?â Gandalf laughed out.
âYou bet I do!â
âWhy do you think that?â
âBecause I can, thats why! Watch me now.â Thorn stood on his chair and with a dignified posture which must have been very hard for a dwarf to do said, âWe must think about the Necking Lancers more! HA!â Thorn sat down and slammed his fist on the table once more.
âStop that now!â Gandalf entreated.
âWhat can you do about it, huh?â Thorn challenged.
âDon't be absurd, the Necking Lancers are not important right now!â Gandalf implored.
âThey sound pretty interesting to me, what do they do for a living?â Thorn asked.
âShut up!â Gandalf hissed.
âWhat are you talking about?â Thorn demanded.
âOh...â Gandalf slumped in his chair in exasperation as did Thorn a minute later. I thought this this was my moment to fix every thing up right, so I stood on my chair, and looked down at a very tired looking dwarf and wizard.
âHear ye, Hear ye!â I declared.
âHear what?â Gandalf asked wearily.
âHear me!â I told him.
âVery well.â Thorn said, âWhat do you want to tell us?â
âThe dragon,â I began, âIs a tough boot to eat.â
âWhat?â Gandalf and Thorn exclaimed in exasperation.
âI mean,â I reworded, âThat he's a really big dragon that is mean, ugly, and smells bad.â
âOh...â they said in unison.
âLet me continue please.â I requested politely. I searched my thoughts and I found my book mark. âI think that we should look around the secret door. Even better!â I said joyfully, âI think we should look in that secret door!â
âThat would be desired, wouldn't it now?â Thorn replied gruffly.
I ignored him and said enthusiastically, âThe dragon must sleep sometimes, so if you sit on his door step long enough, I think that you will think of something, huh?â I yawned and stretched my arms and rubbed my eyes. âhaven't we talked long enough for tonight already?â I wanted to know. My mind was getting cloudy from lack of sleep. âYou know the saying, the early worm eats the bird... No!â I shook my head. I mean, the early worm eats the dwarf. No, no, no. Let me try again... Um... The early bird gets eaten by the worm. NO!â I took a deep breath and forgot about the whole darn saying anyway.
âI am going to bed now.â I told them as I stood up and yawned again. âI will fix a good breakfast before you goo, ooo... oo.â I yawned once again and began a zombie walk to my bedroom.
âYou mean we, don't you?â Thorn retorted as he also stood up and yawned. âYour our Thief now, remember? Anyway, I agree about sleep, that's what I need. Sleep.â Both him and Gandalf yawned and followed me to my room.
We all took turns dressing in the bathroom and brushing our teeth. Then us three headed to my room to sleep. I ended up sleeping on the floor with Gandalf and Thorn took my bed. Before I had barely tucked my feet under the covered, I heard Thorn singing a song:
Let me take you down, 'cause I'm going to Strawberry Fields.
Nothing is real and nothing to get hung about.
Strawberry Fields forever.
Surprisingly, the song did not help me sleep. My dreams were filled with strawberries that were invading Middle Earth by landing in my fields and brain washing us by telling us that nothing is real. This was then followed by hanging, during which they repeatedly told us that this was about nothing. The strawberries continued to do this forever, and ever, and ever... It felt like I just had fallen asleep when someone was shaking me to wake up and fix them breakfast. For some reason, I had the intense urge to eat strawberries for breakfast, although I did not know why.
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