Canine City Seasonal Special #1 âOne shock, one nightmare, one resolutionâ
A loud, roaring BRUM sound came from the street on which Spot McPaw lived, nearly shaking him off the ladder he was currently standing on. The New Yearsâ Parade gets louder every year, Spot thought sourly, waiting for the echo to fade. It was the day before New Yearsâ Eve, and Spot was in his doghouse hanging up different decorations in preparation for the party he was hosting tomorrow. To keep the drum sound from ringing in his ears, Spot started to whistle to himself and didnât notice a sleek black figure creeping across his front yard and disappearing into the back. There was a creaking sound of a door opening and then closing.
*** After a few more hours of decorating, Spot decided to go to the kitchen and get himself a small snack. On the way, he saw his back door slightly ajar. Spot went to the door and closed it, confused. Then Spot remembered that he always kept the back door unlocked. His heart pounding, Spot rushed into the kitchen and almost immediately noticed a gift bag decorated with shooting stars on the ground with the flap open. This bag was the one that had held the first place raffle prize, (Everybody who came to the party got a raffle ticket put into a box and the winner was the one with his ticket drawn) a shiny pure white diamond bracelet. With a sinking feeling, Spot peered inside the bag and saw nothing. The bag was empty. The bracelet was gone. ***** On the other side of the city, Buddy Fang was in awe over a glittery pure red ruby necklace that his sister had just given him as a present for the new year. After a few more glances Buddy stored the beautiful peace of jewelry in a glass container and hid it away on a wooden shelf nearby. Then he stepped out of the room to finish some household chores. From outside, peeking through a window, a sleek black figure gave a smirk. The figure then quickly snuck inside, heading for the same wooden shelf that Buddy had just recently placed the necklace.
TO BE CONTINUED⦠What will happen to these beautiful pieces of jewelry? Tune in next time to find out!
Please, this is a school assignment and I would appreciate if you could give any feedback or tips to improve for next time. Thanks!
Your word choice is slightly. . .muddled. It fluctuates too much. Explore different words for certain parts, and try to find one that fits in more cleanly with the sentence. Just because it isn't poetry doesn't mean flow isn't important. Your sentence structure is a bit tired, so explore inverted sentences and other types of sentences to add zest. The flow is a bit combatted by the word choice and the sentence structure, so work on that a bit. ----------- Overall, it is a pretty good piece, but there are a few problems with the flow of it, and the characters and the setting aren't described well enough. It is pretty interesting, though. . . .
Just pointing out things to focus on -------------- Certain words are very bare-bones. Switching some up would be nice. Like here:
Spot thought sourly
The word 'sourly' doesn't fit incredibly well there. It works, but a word that matches the mood like 'bitterly' or 'maliciously' would fit better into that, because sourness is usually associated more with grouchiness, sand he sounds more angry than grouchy. So, be sure to consider the mood of the characters a bit, and use a word according to that. ---------- To put a descriptive passage in is imperative for a vibrant story. A good place to describe the setting would be after this paragraph:
A loud, roaring BRUM sound came from the street on which Spot McPaw lived, nearly shaking him off the ladder he was currently standing on. The New Years� Parade gets louder every year, Spot thought sourly, waiting for the echo to fade. It was the day before New Years� Eve, and Spot was in his doghouse hanging up different decorations in preparation for the party he was hosting tomorrow. To keep the drum sound from ringing in his ears, Spot started to whistle to himself and didn�t notice a sleek black figure creeping across his front yard and disappearing into the back. There was a creaking sound of a door opening and then closing.
because the next paragraph jumps tro a different place and a different character, you would be able to easily able to put a descriptive passage in there.
Lol, thank you firetail. ------ You seem to focus more on the overall than the detail of the piece. . .nothing wrong with that, but the actual bare-bones composition needs a bit of maintenance, of which I stated earlier. I can't write it for you, but take a quick loom over some of tour adjectives and such. Also, do your best t not rely on adjectives too much, and instead use strong verbs and nouns accented by adjectives. Stuff like that will dramatically strengthen the piece as a whole. Hope I've helped so far
It wasn't bad, but 'alt has a point. The structure of a story is much more important than the details. Of course, those can still be important. However, they aren't always necessary; look at Hemingway...
