AUTHOR'S NOTE (If you only care about the story then skip this.) ____________________________________________________________________ Hello. I'm sure most of you will not know who I am, but I used to make a series called 'The Best Story Ever'. It was mildly popular but because of studies and the like I could never find enough time to actually work on it. So that story has faded away, but like I've heard some extremely smart people say "When something ends, another begins." So I present to you my new story 'The Other Side'. It will be done in episodes each consisting of 3 acts each. Anyway, I present to you the first episode of, 'The Other Side'... ____________________________________________________________________
Chapter One: Bells. Act 1/3.
Jason, 32 years old working in the city of Mantissa. Athletic and smart, he's the perfect man in his line of business, but his business is unknown... Jason arrived at the scene of the crime, a high rise apartment building about 30 stories tall. He took the elevator up to the 16th floor. "I hate elevator music." Oh how he hated elevator music. Its upbeat tempo always trying to bring his mood up. He walked through the open apartment door and found the body. "S**t happens, huh Jason?" Miller was taking a look for himself. "I don't need any of your s**t right now.And I told you before Mil, I can't have you following me while I'm on the job." Jason brushed past him and kneeled next to the body. "When aren't you on the job? I mean you've been researching the Rathbone murders for weeks now! Don't you ever spend some time with your wife?" Jason had a look of sadness on his face, before the anger fought back. "Shut the hell up Miller!" Miller tried to think of something to say back as he was seemingly surprised. "Oh come on now Jason! I didn't have a choice! It was either me or her! You can't blame me for that!" Jason stood up and slammed Miller against the wall. He was now holding him by the neck "A real friend wouldn't have gotten her mixed up with that mob boss!" Jason snarled at him. Miller was gasping for air. "I will never forgive you for what you did." Jason let him go and Miller fell to the ground. "God damn! Have you been working out?" He was just having fun with Jason now. "Get the hell out!" Jason picked him up by his collar and threw him out of the maple door way and then locked the door behind him. "Later days Jason!" Jason took a cell phone out of his pocket and dialed a number "Yeah it's Jason. We're gonna need a pick up here, the victim is a Caucasian male, probably around 27. Yeah, Duke Rathbone is his name. Yes he is the 3rd member of the Rathbone factory to be killed. Also make sure to note this down, there is a bell tied to both of his ankles and each of his wrists, 6 in total." He closed the call and looked around the apartment for more clues. "Mutants, I hate 'em..."
Well there it is, the first act of "The Other Side" hope you will enjoy this act and the rest of the series. ____________________________________________________________________
I like the twist in the ending. But a lot of stuff happened in the space of a few paragraphs. Instead of jumping right in and flying through the scene, you should throw in more detail. I'm not even sure what time of day it is in your story. You could have made this Act 2-3 times longer.
I'm interested now though. When does the next act come out?
If you notice in the last paragraph Jason says "Both of his ankles and each of his wrists." Both would refer to two and the rest refers to 4.
Instead of jumping right in and flying through the scene, you should throw in more detail. I'm not even sure what time of day it is in your story. You could have made this Act 2-3 times longer.
Thank you for the feedback. And yes I have realized that now and I'm going to put a lot more detail into the next act.
When does the next act come out?
Some time between now and Friday. It will be a lot longer so it should make a better read.
"Yes, he's still in there. No I don't want you to blow up the apartment, I just want you to knock him out. No not poison gas that costs way too much. Yeah the Dennster building. 16th floor, apartment 1606. No problem." Miller took the elevator downstairs, wondering whether or not he had made the right decision on whether or not to bring Jason to the Condemned. "I sure as hell hope this works." Miller said to himself.
Jason took a few more pictures of the scene, leaving a marker at every object he was about to take a picture of.
His cellphone rang. He put his camera down on a nearby table and answered the phone. "Hello? Jason speaking. What? You're kidding right? Son of a b**ch. Yeah I'll be there right away." Jason put his phone back into the only pocket left on his trench coat. He picked up his camera and walked towards the door to the hallway outside of 1606.
He opened the door and saw a fist headed straight for his face. He dodged it and then grabbed the arm and hit it in a way which broke it. The man who tried to punch him stumbled back and then pulled out a Smith & Wesson Model 29 revolver and pointed it at Jason. Jason stood still.
"Now you listen to me alright? I'm here to find Miller. Where is he?" Jason was confused at his question. "Listen whoever you are. I want to know why you're looking for him. Or else you're gonna have two broken arms." The man thought for a few seconds. He dropped his gun onto the red carpet floor and then said "My name's Damon Rathbone. I-" He was cut off by the sound of a gunshot. He stood still and the fell to the floor.
Jason looked towards where the noise came from. He saw someone wearing a bandanna over their mouth. "Don't move!" The man started to run. Jason stared at Damon's lifeless body and then picked up his gun and gave chase to the man with the bandanna.
"I said stop god-d**n it!" He followed the man with the bandanna, but he was too fast. He kept on taking corners and since he was so fast Jason couldn't tell where he was. But the man with the bandanna made a mistake which Jason could use to his advantage. And he could use his detective skills to deduce it.
He came from the right side of me and Damon, he thought to himself with Damon's revolver in his hands. That means that he has nowhere to run because the elevators and emergency elevators were to the left of me. And there are no fire escapes on this building, so he's trapped. But I got to make sure he doesn't get to the stairs or elevators. It was all a cat and mouse game now... ____________________________________________________________________
Sorry I was a little late guys, but hopefully this should be much better than the first act. ____________________________________________________________________
Yeah pretty good. I got a feel for the scene this time and could follow how everything progressed. Much more smooth. I also like the variety of sentence structure.
He dodged it and then grabbed the arm and hit it in a way which broke it.
You should say how he struck or how it broke, this sentence seemed out of place in the story.
Other than a few tweaks here and there to add a bit of spice to the language, it was good.
Ah, at least the second one has paragraphs. Had a hard time reading the first. At least the rude language will be censored by AG. Ah, good ol' vulgarities filter.
