Forums → Art, Music, and Writing → The Biridlium Nipto

Wow you are an excellent writer. The only thing I find weird is the name. But great story.

Nice story overall. Want me to use my CC abilities on the prologue?

The story has yet to be done, and the name follows the Nergyl Language. This will not be updated normally, but I'll give you bits n' pieces. I've wanted to publish my story of the Nergyl for almost a year now and after months of planning I'm setting it in motion. I hope you like the prolouge and the next few different "Segments" I'm making.

Thoooooaaaaaadddddd. . .want me to give a quick CC on the prologue? Hellllloooooooo~?

I've seen you talk about the Nergyl a bit before, is there some place I can get some background info on them?

Oh and the story sounds good. Excellent writing talent.

Thoooooaaaaaadddddd. . .want me to give a quick CC on the prologue? Hellllloooooooo~?

Constructive Criticism.

Constructive Criticism.

I say bring back woody. That is all.

I'm going to go paragraph-by-paragraph, because unlike most, you actually used paragraphs.
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There was once a creator. His looks only matched his power. He had eyes that had glowed in all the colors of the spectrum, and hair that flowed smoother than water. He wore elegant robes of black and platinum desings upon it. He was a sentient being, called a Suvrak (Soo-vrrak). He was the last of his kind, and was alone in the deep emptiness of the cosmos. All Suvraks had an uncanny ability to create. Whether it was flesh, blood, earth or fire, the Suvrak could create it.

The Suvrak became bored looking at the several thousand stars his predecessors had left before him. He had found and named every star, he had learned the birthing of these stars and just how complicated they really were. He knew everything about the stars and the planets his predecessors left him.

One day, he noticed an unfamiliar twinkle in the sky. At first he thought it was a simple nova caused by a medium sized star. Observing it closer, he found it was actually a planet. A planet unlike any other he had seen. It was a shiny blue, with patches of green upon it. however, all he saw was green. Nothing but green. He found this to be a little depressing, but was inspired. He wanted to make a planet, similar to this one but less depressing and still. He struck the plaanet, turning them into bits and pieces of rock.

He floated to a certain part of the cosmos, thinking and planning the planet he would create. he started with a small base of rock, made of the crusts on his eyes and the dust in his robe. He rolled it into the ball, and clawed out pieces of the land. He looked at the sight and shed a single tear, as it had brought the most satisfaction he ever had. The tears moustened the land, and filled the holes in the rock. With that, he sneezed upon the rock, as he normally does after he cries. The sneeze caused plants to grow from the odd concoction of his being. With the trees, the planet shook and created crags with mountains.

After he made the base, he took empty space in space, and turned it into flesh, bone, and blood. He carefully placed them together with deadly accuracy, making the most prehistoric of animals. They mainly resembled lizards, and matched the sheer size of the plants he made for the planets. With the leftovers he created odd figures, with thoraxes and carapaces and with a skeleton on the outside. He placed the most prehistoric of creatures on the planet, and looked in glee.

After a short time, maybe a single rotation around the great star he called "Sukta". He soon got bored, and went to a different section of the cosmos. He came upon a red star, and created a planet next to it, it was of perfect shape with a single lake. He looked at the tribal figures on it and smiled, he named these, he called them the Nergyl, and whispered the name to each of the tribal leaders. The tribal leaders said the name to their kin, and thus the Nergyl were born. Sadly, not much later the creator grew bored of even them. He went to a new location, which had a white, tiny sun. He created a new planet, one in a diamond shape. It's ground was sliver and it's oceans were a bright green. The inhabitants of this were odd, due to being only made out of scraps. None of them looked alike. Since they seemed to be dead, but still alive, the creator called them the Fallen, which they took up just as the Nergyl did.

Afterwards, he felt as if he should make them all a bit more interesting. He linked them all together, to make their afterlives. He didn't want to be bothered with their troubles so he tied them all together. The dominant creatures of earth (Whether it be roach, lizard, or monkey) would become a Nergyl, and the Nergyl would become a Fallen. At last a Fallen would become one of the Dominant creatures of the earth. Thus the Nergyl's story was born.

Wow. I have to say I really love this story. I don't know what a Nergyl is. I probably should know...so as to actually understand the story. But that aside, I'm definately sticking with this story and waiting for your next "segment"!

Thank you for the CC my good friend! i have one small question however:

inverted sentences

.... what the heck is an inverted sentence?! I've never heard that term lol.

ahhh, that makes sense.

also, he noticed the planet just from sheer luck, it just never caught his attention till that day.

Yep. UGH I STILL SHUDDER SOMETIMES WHEN I CALL YOU THOAD!