Forums → Art, Music, and Writing → The Light

I wrote a short story for English class around October, and ever since then I've been dying to know if it's any good. So please read it and be brutal in your comments, I want to know if I have some form of skill as a writer. Well, don't be mean just for the sake of scheudenfreude, or anything, but let me know what things are wrong with it.
(I'm not sure if the title will be centered or not, but just imagine it is if it isn't.)

[center]The Light[/center]
Schuyler strolled up to a building marked Banderas Research Center and entered through the automatic doors. The attendant at the front desk looked over at him disinterestedly. âYouâre late,â he upbraided. Schuyler checked his watch. âOnly by a few minutes.â The attendant yawned, and said, âDoesnât really matter. Theyâve already gotten started.â
âWithout me? Youâre kidding.â
âNo.â
âWell, I better get in there. Main experimentation room, right?â
âRight.â
Schuyler hurried to the right down an elongated hallway until he came to a substantial door labeled 117. He held his hand against a tiny, rectangular panel and a beep sounded. He heard a computerized voice intone, âFingerprint confirmed. Welcome, Dr. Banderas. Youâre late.â Schuyler frowned. Did we have to give the computer a clock and AI? he thought. Treading in, he met a volley of greetings, and made his way through the scientists and equipment to a woman staring intently at a display. âHello, Elina,â he said cheerfully. She glanced up at him, and resumed scrutinizing the monitor. âHey, Schuyler. Youâre late.â
âOnly a little.â
âI suppose so. All the sameâ¦â
âYeah, I know. Youâre right. Just because our parents founded this place doesnât allow me an excuse to lack punctuality. Anyway, youâve already begun?â
âYes. Weâre just finishing up with some last minute adjustments to the machinery.â
âNegative energy ready to be fired?â
âAt a momentâs notice.â
âEverythingâs well connected and rechecked?â
âPerfectly.â
âGood.â
Schuyler turned and gazed approvingly at a voluminous machine on top of a raised platform that occupied a sizable portion of the room. âWell, we should get started, shouldnât we?â Elina walked over to the structure and inspected it ruminatively. âI believe so. But⦠Schuylerâ¦â She turned to him. âIâll be honest, Iâm worried. What if something goes wrong?â Schuyler sighed and folded his arms. âHonestly, If youâre talking about making the wormhole traversableâ"â
âItâs not about making it traversable. I know that weâve got that under as much control as is scientifically possible. Iâve been thinking that this wormhole might not end up as it ought to. And since youâre the one thatâs going⦠and you practically command this entire experiment⦠I donât know.â
âYou have just as much control over and knowledge about this experiment as I do.â
âWell, I do know that. But⦠itâs more than just the experiment. Schuyler, youâre my brother. I would prefer to send something inanimate if you werenât so eager about it. In fact, I think youâre insane for wanting to go through with this. But⦠well, if something happensâ¦â She trailed off. Schuyler turned to her with a look of sympathy on his face. âListen. I know youâre apprehensive. But Iâll be fine. The only problem would be if it leads somewhere we donât want, and as far as we know, thatâs highly unlikely. Itâs totally and completely safe.â
âIsnât that what they said about the Titanic?â
âWell⦠yes, but thatâs different. And besides, Iâll have equipment, some air tanks, and even weaponry if anything goes wrong.â
âI suppose.â
âCome on. Letâs get all the equipment.â
âAlright,â Elina replied grudgingly. She walked over to an ample panel in the wall and worked at a screen next to it. A series of high-pitched noises ensued, and the panel opened. Elina reached in, searching, and pulled out a rubicund jumpsuit and helmet, which she flung to Schuyler. âThereâs your suit⦠andâ¦â She continued rummaging through the panel, and produced two cylinders, each with a long strap on the side and a short tube with a facemask on the end emerging from the top, a bulky, metal cube, also with a strap, and a backpack, each of which she placed on the floor in turn.
âAlright, go get changed into the jumpsuit.â
âBe right back.â
Schuyler returned a few minutes later, wearing the outfit. He inspected the assortment of items, and said, âRefresh my memory. These cylinders are air tanks, the cube is a piece of equipment to get back home, and the backpack contains munitions from the Armaments Department, as well as tools, right?â
âCorrect. If something goes wrong, that cube is your lifeline to get back here, so you can use the tools to fix it. As for life support, that suit is lined with a material that will keep you from freezing or boiling in extreme temperatures, and youâll have air tanks that each have an hourâs worth of air to prolong your time limit to create a wormhole back here. The main weapon you have in that pack is a firearm â" standard model, it can shoot through about a foot of steel â" with extra ammunition for any hostile creatures you might face, and in case something especially nasty and hardened comes along, thereâs a dagger laced with an extremely puissant poison. Be especially careful with that. One prick of a finger and youâre dead within minutes.â
âWhat? Youâre joking.â
She stared back at him humorlessly. âDo I look like I am? We had the Biology Department working day and night on it. Anyway, thereâs a sheath that will prevent the poison from leaking off, so you neednât be concerned with that for now. Oh, and thereâs a then thereâs the chronometer we designed thatâs synced up to the main network clock so we can see how long you end up in the wormhole. It should be nearly instantaneous for you, but as you know, weâve set it to send you in front of the building 2 minutes after departure â" our time, of course.â She handed it to him, a flat screen showing digital numbers with an encircling, stretchable band attached.
âI still think weâre pulling a âBack to the Futureâ thing here,â said Schuyler as he donned the wristwatch.
âYes, but that doesnât matter. So just put all of these things on using the straps.â Schuyler did so, and complained, âAll this stuff is too encumbering. Wish I had some say in the design.â Elina crossed her arms, and countered, âWell, you can have comfort, or you can have survival. Take your pick.â Schuyler shrugged. âFine. I get your point. Hey, shouldnât we begin?â Elina nodded, and spoke loudly to the scientists working and milling about the room. âAlright, everybody, itâs time!â Instantly, the assistants scuttled to their respective places, and began tinkering with various controls. Elina returned to her own position and Schuyler followed her. Elina called to a group of scientists: âSagan, Wheeler, get the Collider and Imploder ready. Schwarzchild, Casimir, Thorne, prepare the Inflator and Differentiator.â Schuyler added to the last three, âBe careful with the Differentiator. We donât want this thing unloading me in hot lava or a black hole.â
âHaving second thoughts?â Elina joked antagonistically.
âOh, be quiet.â
Elina lifted her hand and pushed an emerald button marked INITIATE in broad, black letters, and the machine in the middle of the room came to life. Whirring and vibrating, all of the manifold parts of it went to work. Soon, it had produced a miniscule speck, barely visible amongst the robotic movements of the machine. An appendage lowered itself next to the mote and fired a minute beam into it. It expanded into its full glory, a swirling vortex of extraordinary aspect, and everyone gasped in unison. Schuyler stared agape at it, and said dreamily, âSo thatâs a wormholeâ¦â Elina shook him slightly, and said, âHey. Schuyler. Snap out of it. Time to go.â
âHm? Oh, right!â He double-checked his equipment, and said, âWell, see you on the other side.â
âIn two minutes,â Elina affirmed. Schuyler nodded, walked out tentatively onto the platform, and dove into the wormhole.

What? Huh? Whatâs going on? Where am I? How long have I been here? I canât remember⦠I⦠Oh, thatâs right, the experiment! Incredible⦠itâs even more breathtaking inside. I donât believe it; Iâm actually travelling through a wormhole! But⦠I wonder⦠when will I get through this place? The traversing period should be instantaneous⦠I think. Thereâs something near the end⦠I think⦠Wait! Itâs aâ"

Schuyler tumbled out onto the ground. He blinked, attempting to take stock of his surroundings, and took a deep breath â" or, rather, he tried to. No air! he thought frantically, and scrabbled desperately for the face mask, which he held up to his face, and then inhaled deeply. He looked up, and observed the situation he was in. What he saw shocked him. The entire landscape was completely dark and blackened. It was not particularly different from an ordinary area on Earth â" there were hills, mountains in the distance, and even certain leafy things that seemed to be foliage â" but it appeared to be covered completely in umbrage. Is this place without light? Schuyler pondered. No⦠no, thereâs a star up in the sky! And indeed there was, though it seemed to be practically engulfed by the expansiveness of the firmament, which was nearly as shadowy as the land below it. I donât believe it. he mused incredulously. This place has light â" albeit weak light, but light nonetheless â" and yet itâs totally darkened. Hm⦠I havenât changed; jumpsuitâs still red, air tanks are still silver. Itâs just that this entire place is colored ebon. And then it dawned on him: he was alone, a spot of color in a sea of darkness. He sighed and thought glumly, I better get to work. Iâve only got two hours before Iâm out of air. Suddenly, he heard a loud rustle amongst the plants behind. A klaxon rang out in his mind, warning him to be careful. He reached into his backpack, pulling out the pistol he had been armed with and turned around. A deafening roar sounded, and a monolithic beast charged out from the colossal jungle of bushes. The vast thing had legs like tree trunks, a body like an elephant, eyes gleaming vermilion, and rose well above Schuyler, but was clearly as agile and dexterous as a cat. Schuyler, eyes wide with fear, aimed and fired the gun in his quivering hand â" and missed. The creature, snarling and growling, raised its great forepaw to deliver a terrible instant deathblow, and it was all that Schuyler could do to dodge, but the monster still managed to get a slash in on his air tank! Looking up at the giant and back down at the now useless container in an instant, Schuylerâs eyes narrowed. He hastily aimed the pistol and clamped his finger down over the trigger, hearing the vociferous boom that ensued. The creature whimpered, and stumbled away as fast as it could. As it turned, Schuyler saw its side oozing out blood. Seeing this, he blinked, nonplussed at what had just occurred, and collapsed. Hyperventilating now from both asphyxia and being frightened at the previous events, he switched facemasks with the one attached to the other tank. Alright, make that one hour of air. he thought, irked, as he tossed the broken container away. I guess when it rains, it pours, and if itâs not pouring, itâs shooting down hail the size of basketballs.
He checked the watch, and thought, Well, looks like Iâve got about until 11:37. One hour exactly, give or take. Now I had really better get to work. He pulled off the cube hanging off of him to give a cursory scan to it. No superfluous damage, thatâs good⦠He depressed a button on its side. Nothing occurred, except the clatter of gears grinding together imperfectly. He groaned. Great. Who knows how long it could take to fix an internal problem? Schuyler exhaled angrily. He turned, grabbed the toolbox from out of his backpack and opened it. Pulling out various instruments, he unscrewed one of the square sides of the cube. Letâs see now⦠He set to work, using tools quickly yet thoughtfully on the contraption. After some time passed, he reattached the square. Looking at his watch, he thought, Alright, so now Iâve only got about thirty-nine minutes left. He depressed the button once more. This time, the uppermost side opened slowly and deliberately, with multiple mechanical limbs unfolding themselves and corresponding to those within the laboratory. A luminescent screen and keyboard appeared with them, the former glowing in the darkness. Words flashed onto it in a hard, angular font:

[size=200]APPARATUS DAMAGED â" SYSTEM REBOOT NECESSARY{/size}

Schuyler glared at the screen. Great, so now that Iâve fixed it, it has to go through everything again instead of the program initiating instantly. He started typing on the keyboard diligently, and every now and then sat back and observed the screen thoughtfully. Hm⦠restartprogram.exe, and then wormhole_start.exe... Okay. Just have to wait for it to reinstall now. He waited impatiently, pacing and eyeing the machine. He heard a soft ding, and immediately sat down next to the contraption. Yes! Itâs finished. He inspected the time. 11:15. Not much air left. He pressed a second button on the side of the machine. Each of the arms set into motion, mimicking the movements of the previous mechanism. Schuyler grinned when a tiny speck appeared amongst the whirling, extending, and contracting limbs. But then, the speck started to flicker oddly. Schuyler studied it bemusedly. Whatâs going on? Abruptly, the speck disappeared, and the swirling appendages slowed to a halt. Schuyler stared, mouth open at the malfunctioning object. He started to tread back and forth, muttering but crescendoing, âNo, no, no, no, NO!â He fell to the ground to lay prostrate there, staring at the sky. âI donât believe it. I just donât believe it,â he whispered, melancholy. âI guess Iâm going to die here â" and of suffocation. Noâ¦â He began to weep, and remained there for several minutes. Finally, he stood up, defeated, and kicked the backpack. He heard a slight thump and glanced back to see the dagger on the terrain. Schuyler knelt down beside it and picked it up. Analyzing it, he saw the sharp blade reflecting the dim light as he moved it. What did Elina say? A prick of the finger? Yes⦠I wonder⦠He squinted, and could barely make out the form of the dried poison on it. If itâs that quick, wonât it be less painful than dying from lack of oxygen? He angled it, pointing it straight towards his heart. Yes⦠yes, thatâs what Iâll do. Itâll be easier, not excruciating at all. He closed his eyes, and pulled the dagger back slightly to give a clean, swift thrust. He began to drive towards his chest â" but then he thought of Elina, and the rest of his friends and family. I⦠I canât do this. Elina is probably worried sick right now. I canât submit. I have to try. He threw the dagger back on the ground behind him, and listened to the clattering on the ground. Noting the watch, he found it flashing 10:30. He returned to the machine, and after a few abortive attempts where the infinitesimal mote came and went, he sighed and stood up. I just donât get it. What must I do to fix this thing? He descended to a sitting position, and then dropped on his back. He felt a sharp pain, and heard the sound of skin being slashed. Schuylerâs eyes widened and he probed his back, feeling a sticky wetness, and cold, hard steel. Oh no! he thought, and then, he thought no more.

Falling⦠Iâm falling⦠Where⦠where am I⦠Dark⦠dark, black, shadows all around⦠No good⦠I⦠sadness⦠Is this⦠death? Oh⦠What? A light⦠A light coming nearer⦠The end of the tunnel... No⦠Not light⦠a⦠person? A thing? A spirit? Or... an angel? Humanoid⦠Whatever it is⦠Come closer⦠Who are you? What are you? You⦠Hm? What did you say? No⦠no, not say⦠But⦠thereâs communication⦠thoughts? Your thoughts, maybe⦠What? Come to save me? Save me from what? From⦠from Darkness? You are⦠Light⦠You are Light that is here⦠to free me from Darkness. I see⦠Yesâ¦

How long Schuyler was in that pit of darkness with the being of light, he did not know, but somehow, he found himself being thrust up through the venue and back in the somber world. He felt his back, and found nothing except for the jumpsuit, now dry. I never thought Iâd be so glad to be somewhere I held as such an anathema. He looked around and then jumped, seeing that the being of light was still there! It was standing â" or rather, floating â" next to a whirling mass Schuyler recognized as a wormhole. Schuyler edged cautiously towards the pair.
âWho are you?â The creature said nothing. âUm⦠are you going to say anything?â The spirit gave him a slight once-over, and then said in a booming yet kindly voice, âGo.â Schuyler looked quizzically at it. âThrough the wormhole?â The being resumed its taciturn period. âI have so many questions.â The being floated nearer to him and moved a glowing, shimmery hand to his shoulder. Schuyler flinched, but then became aware of a warm, pleasant feeling where the being touched him. âI have been sent to save you from death and return you to your home. So now, you must go. Your time on this Earth is not to be over yet. â Schuyler inhaled slowly, and said reluctantly, âAlright.â Stepping up to the wormhole, he glanced at the being, who nodded. He returned his gaze to the space-time rip, and plunged into it.

Elina sat solitarily in the experimentation room, sobbing. She leaned over a Kleenex box in her lap, drawing tissues to wipe her tears away. âOh, I knew he shouldnât have gone.â She stared, woebegone, at the wormhole generator in the middle of the room. âI just â" waitâ¦â Unexpectedly, a small glimmer appeared next to the machine. âWhat?â A wormhole appeared from the glimmer, and Schuyler fell out of it, looking rather confused. âSchuyler!â Elina rushed up and embraced him. âYouâre alive! What happened?â Schuyler stood up dazedly, ran his fingers through his hair, and said, âWell, I guess the wormhole sent me into a land of darkness and now I ended up back here.â Elina stared at him, clearly addled. âSo you managed to create another wormhole?â
âWell, no, I didnât.â
âThen who?â
âIâm really not sure.â
âWell, we have to tell everyone about this, anyway! All the assistants think that youâre dead. We assumed the worst when you didnât get back.â Schuyler stared off into nowhere. âI was there for about an hour. At least, I was there that long on that placeâs time.â Elina raised an eyebrow. âReally? Schuyler, youâve been gone for more than three hours our time!â Schuyler sat back in a chair. âIncredible.â Elina headed over towards the door, and motioned for him to come, saying, âWell, we better go. Like I said, weâve got to tell everyone about this!â
Schuyler stood, and replied, âYou go ahead. Iâll catch up.â She shrugged, and walked through the automatic doors. Schuyler looked up at the ceiling, whispered a soft âThank you,â and followed.

I've just read through it again myself while putting the italics on it, and I'm starting to realize that it's a lot worse than I remember. So still be brutal, please, but keep in mind that a 14-year-old wrote it.