Ok this is a world[s] similiar to mazzelh in the idea of another world with creatures but the rest of mine is original.
I plan to have a whole series in the works with possible drawing and guest appearances. XD
In a peaceful village in another world, the leionzz glared into the sky. They yearned for something more. There small village sat in the isles of Nykolips and hid in the shadows of one of the 3 demi-suns. One day a small lazzghel leaped across a field and tumbled into a small crevis in the ground.The crevis sparkled but looked bleaked at the same time. It intrigued her {pauses and stops writing due to his mother being a bad word}. Alika, the lesbian lazzghel leaped in. She fell into a deep slumber, eventually awaking to see a cat like creature, with longated claws, a humanoid figure, no nose, but a golden mane. They called them Leionzz. The leionzz and lazzghel intertwined tribes and lived in harmony for many years. Until a dark force known as Equinox engulfed the two now bright and big planets into an everlasting darkness, almost unbreakable. A leion called NAarko, a ninja sorcerer cat with a robotic eye and a prudent figure appeared from a small fjord in Yogwit and challenged the criichere. They fought and fought, both kaiz meeting eachothers maxes, until NAarkos arm went limp, and his essence began to deplete as his body lifted back to the ground. The lazzghelz tried to rejuvenate him, but it was no use. He had been depleted of his essence and had to rest to heal. The dark criichere called EquinoX grabbed hold of a small Lazzghel and threw it into a dark abysmal, its furry body left on the ground, twitching, as its soul dripped into the dark hole.
You are trying to squeeze WAY too much info into way too little space. You need to take your time explaining things in a more calm pace, also making it seem a whole lot more connected if it is to be enjoyable to read.
Also, mentioning things that aren't relevant to the story you're telling is a waste of time for the reader (mentioning she's lesbian is pointless when it isn't relevant to the story going on). Describing a world and how it works is something to do in long stories or in little 'non-story' segments with the main purpose being to explain the world.
Also consider adding a glossary since a lot of the words you use are world-specific terms which outsiders won't know the meaning of.
Oh, and, mazzelhs aren't a world, they're just a specie. Of Yaltama, btw.
I actually think your story looks like it really could be interesting, but it needs a lot of work, since right now it's more or less chaos in writing.
