my knowledge of hot to be a female is unsurprisingly low
Freud would have a field day with that. While we're on the subject, I don't like how my profile now reads: "Xzeno is a female in denial...". Yeah. Weird.
Anywho:
Round 5: Take a Walk on the Wild SideLeon flexed his muscles. He was taller and stronger. His mind was quicker: It was as though he had come out from under the influence of a mind fogging spell. He felt a natural urge to lead. He had a better posture, his movements were now more graceful and more powerful. His voice now had an air of command to it. His hyena now followed him attentively rather than lazily. This was all because he was a she. He ultimately preferred his old body, though he didn't mind the new one, if only for the experience. He decided that shouting his feelings was the best test, as his voice now naturally commanded more attention. Not that gnolls are a sexist race, they are more progressive than that, but thousands of years of evolution said that a female would demand more attention than a male. He shouted for the world to hear: "This isn't so bad. I'm taller. I'm stronger, and ladies, I guess I'm one hundred per cent lesbian now. Or maybe like ninety seven. Not sure about that foot. I'd really like to get back to normal but for now: I'm fast, I'm strong, I bet I can fight better, I still like chicks... I mean, I know I'm tempting fate here, but Murphy's law be damned I bet I even have a bigger di- argh!" Leon had tempted fate. He bent over double, clutching his head. After a few seconds of intense pain, he got up. His hyena ran over to see what was the mater. "Don't worry." said Leon "Probably just a side effect from the transformation. I'll be- Ahhh!" He fell to his knees this, time, though he finally got up after a full minute of pain. "Alright, tempting the great Murphy does not end well. I just need to-" Leon's eyes went blank. After a few moments of what seemed like staring into space, He turned to his hyena and said: "I need you to get me to Ed or Strop. No matter what else I tell you, do that first. If that fails, bring them to me. Maybe Be- arrrhh!" He fell to the ground clutching his head. After a few minutes, female Leon rose again. "Never mind whatever it is I just said." she said to the hyena. "I'm fine." She reached out to pet it. It growled at her. "Stupid animal!" she shouted reaching for its neck. It ran away from her as fast as it could IE faster than her. "Very well." she proclaimed "So the hyena dislikes the female body. I will do well on my own." She paced back and forth a few times and then stopped speaking slowly: "I will be Leon McAcid no more. From now on I will be known as... Isabella Lafayette!" She shouted the last two words quickly, attempting to throw her cape away from her. Unfortunately, her cape was still fastened at the neck, so she ended up tripping instead. She got up, only her dignity injured. "Fine" she said "That is hardly acceptable anyway. I'll try again." She unfastened the cape and again spoke slowly, with the last two words shouted quickly: "No longer will I be Leon McAcid, from this day, this great day on, I will be known as... Lia MacBase!" Her cape was cast aside, fluttering in the air for a second before landing in a crumpled heap. Lia MacBase smiled. She seemed happy with her new body. "Now... what's going on?" She said. She closed her eyes. She seemed entranced by something. Suddenly, she said: "So that's what this is all about. Mod-ship is very to my liking. Yes, I must have that power. Lia MacBase with a ban hammer â" er, ban flail. Whatever. I must... though I wonder... why is he here?" Once again, she closed her eyes and swayed. Once again, she spoke with a start: "Really? Is that
it? You are
so like Watcher, Leon. He has a little more direction but you two really are the same: Morally bankrupt saints who spend their lives searching, desperate to find anything but themselves." She laughed. "Oh, how the tables have turned. Oh yes, Leon: You aren't gonna like this one bit. And you too, Watcher. You'll get what's coming to you, mark my words. But that will come with time. For now... I must follow the Way of Moderation." With that, Lia left to do girl things, presumably with more weird babble along the way:
Lia wondered the city, going no where in particular. She was looking for her hyena, though a place to practice with her bow would have been nice. Eventually, she wondered into the Armor Amusement park. Here, she hoped to find a target practice game. Her search was successful after a few minutes of wading through popularity contests and zombie LARP games. The booth was not particularly extravagant, though it did have the classic shooting gallery elements, such as duck targets and a rifle.
"Five AP for ten shots, how about it Missy?" said the booth guy.
"What if I use my own bow?" said Lia.
"Five AP for ten shots?" suggested the clerk.
"But I'm a girl!" said Lia.
"What's that got to do with it?" he said indignantly.
"How many girls have you see around here?" Lia asked.
"Like, a few." he said.
"No you haven't. I'm probably the only actual female you've seen in a while. Even some people who look like girls are just androgynous teenagers or victims of some sort of gender switch bomb." said Lia in an act of blatant hypocrisy.
"I don't see how that would affect the price of you shooting wooden ducks with a bow." he lied.
"Yes you do. I'm a hot girl. You work at an amusement park. The hotter the girl, the freer the stuff. I think I warrant at least five gold off." she explained, forgetting that the park used AP.
"I'm no furry." he said.
"What on earth is a furry?" she asked "Look, I'm a girl. You should give me free stuff. It's not that hard to get."
"I dunno" he said "I don't want to lose my job."
"How much are you payed?" asked Lia, losing patience.
"I'm not."
"What?"
"I'm not. They stopped paying us and giving prizes a while back. Now it's all just for kicks." he explained.
"Then why the heck are you trying to charge me?" she asked, infuriated.
"Well..." he said sheepishly "If I gave you a 'discount' you might... you know..." Though it sounded like he really didn't "know".
"You people are shameless. I thought Leon was bad. Er, I was bad. That's it." she said awkwardly. "So anyway, I want to shoot ducks with my bow."
"Oh, yeah, sure, go ahead." said the booth dude, getting out of the way.
Lia finally drew her bow and an arrow. She tried to fit the arrow onto the bow string, which she managed to do with a few tries. The arrow was in the wrong spot and she drew the string back awkwardly. When she fired, she missed neatly.
"You aren't very good with that thing." remarked the clerk.
"You shut up. I'll get it next time." said Lia, flustered. She tried again to fit the arrow on the bow, succeeding more quickly this time. She fired again, barely hitting a duck. After a few more shots, she knew what she was doing more or less, though she missed more often than not.
"Thanks." she said, packing up her bow and leaving.
"I suppose it was a little to hopeful of me to think I might be able to shot like this, but it was worth a shot." She thought out loud. "Shot. I made a pun. In human. Maybe I'm better at this than I thought." Lia left the park soon there after. Her first priority was to find the hyena. She wasn't sure why it had run away. This mystery kept her occupied, thinking, for the better part of an hour as she walked around aimlessly. After some time, she grew bored and sat down under a tree. There, she decided to solve the mystery: She closed her eyes as though deep in thought. After about a minute, she spoke: "Strop, of course. Probably the same reason Penis as me. Ed... I guess that makes sense. It would work, that's for sure. If Ed knew I was here he would probably just port in and solve the problem. I reckon those things can teleport anyway. It would explain a lot. I guess I should be glad he doesn't know where I am, though anyone can say that, really. Oh well, I really ought to worry about winning this tournament." With that, she ended the strange plot exposition and went off to win. How she would win was another mystery all together. She had obviously at least passed in the previous rounds. Besides, even if she hadn't, she couldn't change the past and she couldn't know what was to come. She was rather frustrated with the inability to prepare for the next round. She hated just going along with whatever happened and improvising. She figured that she would sort of just walk around and become more aquinted with the city while she waited for the next round to start.
Lia wondered towards the Tavern. Like the male Leon, Lia liked to spend a lot of time in taverns. Leon did so because he was always looking for something better to do, but Lia had nothing better to do than socialize or drink. She figured that the tavern would be ideal for either. The tavern was, as usual, packed with people. Lia found a seat at the bar and ordered a stiff drink. The bar tender shrugged and poured her something red. She took a swig.
"[french exclamation or swear]" she exclaimed. "This doesn't taste very stiff."
"Bow chicka bow wow!" Shouted one of the tavern goers.
"That's what she said!" shouted another. Lia looked at them with what she hoped was an evil eye. The bartender looked apologetic.
"Anyway" said Lia "It doesn't even taste like alcohol. It tastes like a Shirley Temple."
"That's because it is a Shirley Temple. I even gave you a cherry." said the bartender, indicating the merichino cherry floating in her drink.
"I asked for a stiff one." said Lia. Instantly, the chorus of 'that's what she said' and 'bow chicka bow wow' started anew. The bartender ignored them:
"We don't serve alcohol at this establishment." he explained.
"Why not? It's a tavern. What else do you do? People surely don't come here for the inviting atmosphere." said Lia, nursing her Shirley Temple.
"Too many kids." he said, looking no older than twenty himself.
"Fine, no alcohol. Just give me the strongest crap you have." she said. Why was it so hard to get anything accomplished around here? The bartender went to the back of the bar and returned some time later with a glass full of clear brown liquid.
"Finally!" said Lia, quaffing some. She sloshed it around in her mouth for a moment, looking perplexed, before saying: "This tastes like pickle juice, but instead of cucumbers, you pickled the excrement of a pangolin."
"That's because it is pickle juice except with pan-" explained the bartender.
"Alright, alright, I can recognize patterns. I'll stick with my Shirley Temple." Lia cut him off, not wanting to know what she had just drunk. Lia finished her Shirley Temple. She was getting up to leave when the bartender stopped her: "Wait! That Shirley Temple cost two AP..." Lia grumbled something about womanly wiles and reached into her pocket. "...and three thousand AP for the pickle juice." he finished.
"What!? Three thousand- how could you charge that much? Who would even buy that drink? Why on earth would it cost so much!?" Lia shouted.
"Hey, pangolin are expensive, and you need a new one after every drink." he said frankly.
"Why would you need a new one?" asked Lia, not really wanting to know.
"Well you have to kill it, now don't you? No good dead." he said, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"Why would you have to kill it to harvest its poop?" she asked.
"Search me." he said, shrugging.
"I don't have three thousand armor points." Lia stated flatly.
"Should have checked a menu." said the bartender "You asked for our strongest crap. It's right there, advertized as our strongest crap, three thousand AP."
"Why the hell would such a thing even exist?" shouted Lia, ready to kill someone "It's almost like this place is run by fourteen year old boys!"
"That's because it is run by-" said the bartender.
"OK, OK, I get the idea: This place is messed up." shouted Lia, Leon's blood-thirsty nature retuning "How about I pay with violence?"
"No go." said the bartender, crossing his arms.
"Well then what do you want me to do, wash dishes?" she said crossly.
"Well, a-" started the bartender, but he was cut off by a less vulgar man:
"I'll pay for it." said an (obviously rich) male tavern goer. Unlike where Lia came from, the rich folks hung out in taverns in the land of Armor Games.
"Oh... thanks." said Lia. She wondered why anyone would pay for her three thousand AP drink. Maybe he felt bad because she was scammed and couldn't pay for it.
The man and the bartender began a transaction, so Lia slipped away to socialize. She sat at a table otherwise occupied by three young men. She hoped that these denizens were not nearly as wacky as anyone else she had met.
âHello.â said Lia. They continued to converse as though she wasn't there. She listened to the conversation for a moment. They were talking about what life would be like if they had no legs, like a snake. For some reason, this reminded Lia of something. Legs like a snake.
âThis reminds me of something.â she observed. âSomething about a snake with legs.â
âMaybe you're thinking of the legless lizardâ suggested on of the table's occupants, acknowledging her now that she had something related to the topic at hand to say.
âNo, that's a lizard without legs, not a snake with legs.â observed another.
âI know that.â said the first with needless indignation.
âHey, no need to freak out! I was just trying to help.â said the second.
âWell you're doing it wrong!â shouted the first, searching his wallet for a picture.
âYou both fail.â said the third âYou dumb kids always bicker.â
âWho you calling a kid?â shouted the second âI'm older than you!â
âYou aren't older than him!â said the first.
âWell I'm older than you!â retorted the second.
âYou guys aren't talking about snakes.â the third man observed casually.
âWell that's because-â yelled the first guy.
âKeep yourselves together.â said Lia desperately âWe were talking about snakes with legs. Where did it go wrong? Why can't I seem to have a normal conversation with anyone?â
âIt went wrong when he called me stupid!â said the first.
âIt went wrong when he got so defensive!â said the second.
âIt went wrong when you ruined my fun.â said the third.
âHe didn't call you- wait, what?â said Lia, confused by the third man's statement.
âI said he-â started the second.
âNot you, him!â said an impatient Lia, pointing at the the third.
âI see this petty and pointless argument as an amusing diversion.â he explained. âBut not you. You feel a need to ruin my fun. You're a natural mediator. You see it as something to be solved. You're about to do that aren't you?â Lia looked at him in silence for a few seconds. Then she turned to the first man and said: âHe didn't mean to insult you. He was just trying to help you keep your facts accurate.â
âHe didn't have to be so obnoxious about it.â said the first.
âI-â shouted the second, but Lia cut him off again.
âOne at a time!â she shouted over him. âHe wasn't being obnoxious about it. He was just trying to help you help me. You shouldn't be so defensive...â
âSee?â said the second triumphantly.
â...and you shouldn't be so aggressive.â finished Lia. âBoth of you, when you think someone might be insulting you, just give him the benefit of the doubt. If he was, no skin off your nose. If he wasn't and you try to be defensive, you'll be starting the fight. Try to be more easygoing, it will serve you better than being so emotional.â
âI guess you're right.â said the first slowly.
âMe too.â said the second.
âYou must be a mother.â said the third, getting up to leave. Lia rolled her eyes and did the same. She hoped to find somewhere a little more sane than the tavern.
âI really need to get something else to wear. Leon's old clothes won't fit me now that I'm female. This leather armor fits, but I really need something nicer.â she said to no one in particular. She intended to go shopping, mostly because shop lifting was too hard. She had no idea where the shops might be, but she knew that asking for directions was a fool's erind. Whenever Leon McAcid asked directions from another man, the man would give him horrible directions. That logic is that if a man asks a man for directions, the askee will take great pleasure in maliciously giving misinformation, sending the asker to a totally different area for laughs. Leon could have always asked a woman for directions, but everyone knows that women can't give directions. Lia, however, was a woman herself. She realized that she could get accurate directions from any heterosexual male. A woman was still right out, of course. She got directions with minimal hassle. They were straight forward enough, though the first person she asked kept insisting that shops was in profile avenue. She finally arrived after getting lost once. She went for the clothing shop first. She selected a red dress to try on. The first one was a size too small, but the second fit fine. She examined herself in the mirror. She sighed. The red just didn't work with her fur. She had really thought it would. She looked lamely at her reflection, eyes drifting towards her left foot. She sat down to examine it more closely.
âThat red would work with that fur, wouldn't it?â she said. The foot seemed too small for her body. âYou got gender changed too, huh?â she was quite for a moment. âWhy am I talking to my foot?â She left the room to select a better color. She was about to buy a green little number when she realized that the green was the same shade as Leon's cloak. Unlike Leon, Lia felt no need to try to appear as though she was associated with the immortal archers. In fact, being level-headed and modern, she didn't even believe that such archers existed. She thought about this for a moment. She selected a blue skirt and drove it from her mind. After some shopping, she had a bag full of clothing, though none was the shade of green of Leon's cape. She waited while the cashier rung it up. âThat will be two hundred and thirty seven armor points.â said the cashier brightly.
âWhat?â exclaimed Lia.
âIt will be two-â
âI heard the p;rice. Isn't that kind of insane?â asked Lia.
âHey, these are designer brands.â explained the clerk âYou bought them, not me.â
âThat's unreasonable. How can I be expected to pay that much for clothing?â Lia asked angeraly.
âYou could by something cheaper.â suggested the cashier calmly.
âHow about I just shop lift?â suggested Lia savagely.
âHow about not.â said the cashier, looking less amused.
âAre you gonna stop me?â Lia sneered.
âThe mods will.â said the cashier.
âI'd like to see them try.â said Lia.
âMaybe you should leave.â said the cashier seriously. Lia still wanted to use violence (a magic wand is either a few thousand gold with some charm or free with some violence) but she knew that she wouldn't be able to get away with it. She smiled at the cashier and handed over the AP. Lia loathed to spend too much because what she wanted to buy next was jewelry. The jewelry shop was rather posh, with long display cases and a man in a suit standing behind the counter. Lia's arrival seemed to unnerve him. She browsed the jewelry, eyes passing over diamond rings, gold necklaces and cubic zirconium earrings. A golden necklace with a yellow-orange fire opal inlaid caught Lia's eye. She thought that the stone was rather nice and matched her fur.
âHow much is that?â she asked, indicating the necklace.
âThat one is forty five hundred armor point, ma'am.â said the clerk quickly.
âReally? That much? I suppose the stone is rather nice.â she said.
The clerk's mouth twitched. âThat is the price.â he said slowly.
âCouldn't it be any cheaper?â she asked, leaning towards him.
âI'm sure four thousand would be possible.â he said with a pained expression.
âHow about twenty-five hundred?â asked Lia.
âWhy not?â said the clerk. Lia smugly gave him twenty-five hundred armor points (about all she had) and left the shop with her prized necklace. She was glad that she had gotten such a pretty stone for such a reduced price.
âThat piece was a little over priced to begin withâ she said thoughtfully to no one âbut I haggled quite nicely. On second thought, that was a little too easy. He seemed kind of nervous. They must not see many women around here.â It was true: The city of Armor Games tended to be lacking in women. Lia wandered the street, ostensibly looking for the missing hyena, for another hour. She contemplated her situation. No cure for the gender change had showed itself to her, nor was she particularly interested in finding one. She would wait to be summoned for the next round so that she could win the tournament. Whether she was cured in a minute, hour or day, one thing was for certain: Leon would finally have a reason to follow the
Way of Moderation.
----------------------
I think I have something there in to point font disparaging Strop's masculinity or swearing or something. If I didn't remove that (to lazy to check) it will probably be normal sized on AG. So yeah, disregard that.
...why yes, I have played Metal Gear Solid lately. Why do you ask?
