Who am I kidding? I'm way to lazy to ever edit this. Posting time!
Round 6: Allusions of Grandeur
Leon was surprised and annoyed. How could Leon McAcid rap? After all, he thought, he wasn't the rapper type: He was always out stealing gold, wearing bling or shooting people while the rappers wrote songs about skipping through flowers, tender lovemaking or giving to the needy. He thought for a moment. Perhaps... a rap about the thug life? Maybe unconventional, but it was worth a shot. Leon stood up, straightening his hood. He pulled out his bag of jewelry, selecting a few of his tackiest rings and a large, golden chain complete with a heart-shaped locket. On impulse, he opened it. He absentmindedly put away his jewelry bag as he read the inscription inside. He chuckled. Just a few sweet nothings in elvish. No real rapper would have it any other way, but Leon never liked jewelry with inscriptions. He shrugged. He wondered briefly if should have searched for a mirror before deciding that he would look cooler with his hood up and that elves had terrible taste in jewelry anyway. He waited for his turn on stage, making sure he snarled and bared his teeth at anyone nearby. Finally, he was called on:
"Now," shouted an over-enthusiastic voice "give it up or M.C. Acid!" Leon sniggered. M.C. Acid. He was going to use the name Tasty-Freeze, but M.C. Acid was definitely better. Leon grabbed the mike and began:
"Hey yall." He said in true rapper style. "Imma start this rhyme at the beginning." He rolled his eyes at his own diction. "So anyway, back in the day, it wasn't just ol' Leon like now." He thought about how to start. He knew he would rhyme team with extreme, and perhaps psychic supreme. Bluebell went with hell, obviously, but he wasn't sure how purple energy beams or Screeching Leopard would fit into the overall equation. He thought for a moment. "You know what?" he asked with an exaggerated hand motion. "Suckers can't handle the beginning. We're gonna start around part two." With that, Leon's rap began:
"We were in a village, Edward and me
Willin' to fight, if you pay the fee
got to a tavern, where stories begin
'cuz which *************s don't meet in an inn?
Met a hot elf, made a threat on her life
to my surprise, elf pulled a knife
glad mediation prevented any pain
how was I supposed t' know Ed devoured her brain?
Long story short, the inn burned down,
sent me and ol' Eddie skippin' outta that town
found an oasis along the road,
town was in the desert, I thought you... knowed?"
Leon blinked rapidly. Knowed? His human was rusty. Not knowing what to say, Leon used the time that would have been spent on the next verse sort of bobbing his head and flashing jewelry to the music. Occasionally, he would mumble "Uh-huh" or "yeah" at key points. It seemed to work out. With some reluctance, he picked up his rap:
"If you remember, we had a mission
killed and ate a lion as we got in position
We have to be brave as we invade the cave
Eddie's brain wave brings down a knave!"
Leon winced. Cave was such an easy word to rhyme, too. Maybe he just wasn't cut out for rap.
"A big-ass hydra got in our way
now you know me and Edward messed up his day
What did we do with the body?
Aw, come on, yall know me!
Instead of rapping, Leon simply spoke the next part of the story (or, as it's know in rap circles, performed a "talky bit": "Yeah, we skinned its corpse and left its skeletal heads on pikes as a warning to others." Leon said. "Then we used the skin to make super-cute hydra skin hand bags. Uh-huh.
Now this sort of news might amaze
but me and Eddie found a bridge somewhere in that cave
Now this baby arced over a pit
but it was made of rainbows and gumdrops and shit
I'm tellin' you now, this bridge was the bomb
but that's not really the point, let's get to the WoM!"
With that note, Leon threw his head back and cackled, causing his hood to fall off. He quickly pulled it back over his head. Unfortunately, his haste caused his right ear to be turned inside out. The annoyed Leon struggled to fix this. After fixing his ear, Leon began straightening his hood. Suddenly, he looked up. He removed his hands from his hood and slowly walked back to the mike. "So as I was saying:
I first heard of this event
'fore any of you even caught its scent
I wasn't gonna join in, too easy a win
they wanted me to join, to my chagrin
Went to the place to sign on up,
met a dude on the way so I was like 'sup!'
he knew bout the WoM, with inside information
told me what was up with little persuasion
Learned about the situation
with his cooperation
gonna take down the mods, then administration
for the record, this dude wasn't Caucasian."
Leon shrugged. Maybe he was exaggerating little bit, but it kind of made sense: If Leon had extraordinary knowledge in the rap, it logically followed that anyone who actually knew what it was had inside information. "So then I sent in my application-" Leon rapped. "Er, never mind. I'm not starting that again." Leon waited for a few more measures before continuing:
"Sent in a filled-out form
it evidently was the norm
whole deal was kinda unimpressive
so next round I got aggressive:
I was in the tavern a few rounds ago
Strop came by with balls to throw
he threw them real hard and they kinda hurt
I knew his plan I would have to subvert
Tried to fight past but he was too fast
I could avoid 'cause the place was so vast
tried to fight but his aim was unsurpassed
lost the game but had a blast!"
Leon paused to take a breath. He was getting ahead of himself. His lines were becoming longer and longer. He decided that the best method of getting back on track was to employ a talky bit: "So then, one dude up and blows up a bakery or some crap. Might have been some sort of governmental building. I don't know. Anyway, we followed the clues and it led us right to the guilty party. Then, the dude tried to make his escape using the obstacle course built into the moat - I'm not making this crap up!
We chased this guy and didn't die
though I had the help of my ally
Pretty soon he summons a dragon
we escape with the rest of the lagan!"
Leon stopped for a moment to pat his hyena.
"Then, I turn into a girl
not my cup 'o tea, but I gave it whirl
not sure what happened, it was really confusing,
but I got this shitty jewelry and cash I was losing."
Leon pulled out the piece of jewelry he had purchased while female and tossed it off stage. He wasn't sure how much he had paid for it, but it must have been overpriced.
"That's it for now, we're caught up to the present
I hope you all found this rap pleasent
that's all for now; it's off stage with me
Keep a look out for Leon's tale part three!"
Both Leon and his hyena laughed like gnolls and hyenas. As the music faded away, Leon trotted off stage merrily, mumbling something about silly elf songs.
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OK, my punctuation should be fine. If there are weird symbols instead of quotation marks or something, you can kill me.