Oh, okay then. I currently have something in production as well. Perhaps up by tomorrow, if I feel like working on it for a substantial amount of time.
It had been a long day, filled with nerds, small angry men, and insane women. Gerard walked home in a hurry.
Now, all he had to do was think out what happened. But he couldn't, because there was one crucial piece of the puzzle that just didn't quite fit. It's impossible for her to get home from the mall and back in under twenty minutes. But he would review the evidence pertaining to the case all the same.
Gerard thought aloud. "The puddle Mason supposedly slipped on was placed there after death, meaning it couldn't be an accident. Ellie left the house around 7:15 in a hurry. She was definitely leaving the mall at exactly 7:40 and heading towards the power plant. And there was a struggle during the murder." Now you may not remember anything about Detective Spencer figuring out there was a struggle. Remember how Charlene's voices were agitated, screaming and angry? That was actually Ellie... exterminating her husband.
Now, Gerard didn't want to do anything. He was tired, frustrated, and very confused. That one piece of the puzzle that didn't fit destroyed the whole case. Unless... "Unless someone was lying, or just not telling the whole truth." Now, this type of thing came up during most, if not all, of his cases had someone lying or likewise. Gerard wondered why he hadn't thought of that before.
"Could it have been Mr. Johann? No, what would he get out of that... Charlene? Maybe she's just acting- No, there's no way for that to be an act." All these thoughts were running through his head. "Schneider... Schneider wouldn't lie. At most, keep something from... me..." That was entirely possible. "What if something happened after she left the parking lot? What could have happened that would eliminate any flaws in my scenario?" He had to think outside the box. What was the only thing that proved she couldn't have been home at the time? It dawned on him. "The credit card record. What if she gave someone else the credit card to buy that last item?"
And who else but Mr. Schneider? Ellie had a power over men. Even married men. She could bend and twist them to do any deed she wanted them to do. Even be a murder accomplice. Now, maybe he didn't know that he was a murder accomplice at the time. But he heard about the record, and he would have known that HE was the third purchaser. So why didn't he tell Gerard about that?
This was, of course, all assuming that he actually did take the card. But he had to question him. Again.
Not now of course. Right now, it was time for bed. __________________________________________________________________________________
This is probably my shortest chapter yet (Besides the first one), and I'm not very happy with it either... As long as you guys don't hate it too much, I'm good.
I'll be mean and only point out the negative, then tell you the positives at the end. >
Okay, paragraph by paragraph. I only post a paragraph to ra. . .I mean, criticize, it if it needs criticism.
Now, all he had to do was think out what happened. But he couldn't, because there was one crucial piece of the puzzle that just didn't quite fit. It's impossible for her to get home from the mall and back in under twenty minutes. But he would review the evidence pertaining to the case all the same.
You might want to take out the 'now' at the beginning. To me, it seems to take a lot of emotional possibility out of the line. Also, how would having one clue missing from it keep him from thinking about the case? Your phrasing is a bit off there.
Now, Gerard didn't want to do anything. He was tired, frustrated, and very confused. That one piece of the puzzle that didn't fit destroyed the whole case. Unless... "Unless someone was lying, or just not telling the whole truth." Now, this type of thing came up during most, if not all, of his cases had someone lying or likewise. Gerard wondered why he hadn't thought of that before.
Very is a bad word X_X
Also. . .for the last sentence, I think it would be better if it would be an italicized line of him thinking to himself why he didn't think of that. I know it falls under the quality of nitpicking, but I digress.
I liked it. It builds suspense and really accentuates that one problem in the mystery - how could she transport herself so fast??
Your tone and emotion are generally good, but kind of flat every now and then. Work on your wording, and remember that every single word counts.
You're doing good with this series so far. I'm looking forward to seeing the verdict.
as you should be. :| but don't take it too hard. As if we all really expected EVERY part to be pure gold.
Perfection wh*ring is the only good kind of wh*ring.
a wh*re is still a wh*re.
But really, being a perfection wh*re is the only kind of wh*re that's always good for you. Always.
Oh my dear Alt you have no idea how wrong you are :|
ok...um my opinion on this part. This murder mystery has lost it's mystery. In fact, in my opinion it lost it back in part 5-6.
My personal opinion is that if you ever try aking another murder mystery...make it a little bit...slower? Not quite the word i'm looking for, but i think you might know what I mean.
