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nichodemus
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nichodemus
14,991 posts
Grand Duke

For those of you with a photogenic memory, you'll (hopefully) remember...that a long long time ago, a NewComer decided to start his first store thread. Well, it was sort of a failure, but now that NewComer is restarting the thread. Sit back and enjoy the show.


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KOA Chronicles- The Beginning

All was well in the Kingdom of Armor. For three thousand years, the country existed in a blissful golden age. The Kings had been benevolent, ruling justly. The latest of this line was King McNeely VII. He was assisted by a wise, noble council, the Council of Armor. The people were contented, all 300,000 of them. Crime level was virtually nil, except for the odd spammer. All was right, till three months ago.

The founder of the McNeely Dynasty whose name has now been lost to the ages had fought an evil being, the Naughty Sorceress Carlie at the Beginning of Time to gain control of the Kingdom and free the people whom Carlie had enslaved. He succeeded after an epic battle, banishing her to the Far North, imprisoning her in Castle Casanova. For three millennium, she bided her time, gathered her forces and retrained herself in the dark arts...

Now terror stalks the land. Carlie struck back finally, leading vast hordes from the Void across the land. The King was taken by surprise and imprisoned in a plexiglass prism, unable to break free. The Council was corrupted, a shadow of its former glorious self. One by one the great lords of the Council felt their will submitting to Carlie.

The populace was terrified; creatures of the night appeared and took them to the Sorceressâ lair, evil experiments conducted on them where their brains were altered, so they spoke in perfect grammar, spoke and talked less etc. Their freedom of speech was lost; there was acute food shortage, general mayhem... The most hated and drastic change was that SPAM meat was banned. It was a utopia, a world where spam was eradicated, but at what cost?

But not all was lost. One of the Councilmen had escaped and raised an army. The great Spamlord Jaza rose. The angry peasants flocked to his side, gathering whatever weapons they could find. Mercenary groups from around the Kingdom rushed over and joined the Grande Armee.

And so have I, Nichodemus, a knight from a poor noble family that has long been cast into destitute. I saw it as a chance to restore our fallen status, a chance to regain the favor of the court, a chance to attain unimaginable power. I brought my men of course. Hardened guards from my castle, angry for blood. Rebellion quickly ensued, chaos reigned.

The Sorceress responded with haste. The Five Corrupted Ones gathered their armies, the core of which comprised the Loyalists, men who had been tricked, coaxed to join the Sorceress. Void monsters were summoned from magical portals. War was inevitable. A chance for me to see action for once, young hot-blooded buck as I was. War was a sport, a spectacle for me.

It came. Lord Jaza trounced the Sorceress' forces at the Battle of Tortuga. He captured more than half the Kingdom. But it was not to last. The Sorceress by some unspeakable black magic conjured up the Grey Plague, and slowly Jaza started losing ground, losing fortress after fortress. The plague came like a storm, it destroyed whatever creative thought we had, turned the afflicted to mindless vegetables, incapable of anything. Just two weeks after the first battle, Jaza had lost half of his men to the epidemic.

At the last skirmish fought, the Battle of Aether, Jazaâs army was utterly massacred, weakened by disease and with little will to fight. The Sorceress' Void wizards drove Jaza's army of the battleground. Her Spam Clubbers and Troll Tamers slew all of Jazaâs men, decisively ending the battle. My guards, loyal as they were had all perished. A vicious blow from a hammer of one of the Lords almost cracked my ribs, flung me clear of my horse. Jaza was captured, and thrown into a dirty pest infected jail cell, constantly tortured to give up his spamming ways.

When the victorious army left, the battlefield was strewn with mutilated bodies, survivors groaning and lying on the ground, the ravens of war circling above. As a lone wolf gave a mournful howl, a dark figure rose weakly from the ground.

I have survived, survived the horrific screams, the brutal crushing, the maniacal laughter of that Sorceress as she speared my friends. Hungry for revenge, bitter with defeat, furious with Fate. For Jaza, for the dead, For the Kingdom...It has begun...I no longer care about any reward. I will not rest till I have killed the last of them...

(To Be Continued)

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Disclaimer: Any reference to people and their names', real or fictitious is very very regrettable and unfortunate. All work was written by nichodemus though certain elements have been inspired by Armor Games, the fighting fantasy series and KOL (Kingdom of Loathing). Thank you. More will follow.

PS: Anyway, I have their permission, so all is well.

  • 131 Replies
LazyOne
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LazyOne
166 posts
Nomad

this is real great, but i second thisisnotanalt...

nichodemus
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nichodemus
14,991 posts
Grand Duke

Just as an update...the next part should be on Friday.

Maverick4
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Maverick4
6,800 posts
Peasant

Thats good m8. You described it very well, It felt like I was right there. I was NOT STALKING! Jeez... Wish I could be in it...

'Wishing isn't going to get you anywhere, so do it and you'll get there faster because you wern't wishin the whole time'

-Unknown

Pazx
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Pazx
5,842 posts
Peasant

Nicho... That's not a nice way to treat the girl you like...

*sits in thread*

nichodemus
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nichodemus
14,991 posts
Grand Duke

Like? LIKE? Sheez Mary -_-'

nichodemus
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nichodemus
14,991 posts
Grand Duke

KOA VI: The Hated Secret

I rapped at the battered wooden door, straining my ears amidst the torrential rain, the icy water dripped down the holes of my mouth, wetting those parched lips. Jess huddled near the steps, still clutching fiercely at my long cloak.

Without warning, the door swung open, as a beaming old man stood on the doors. He was dressed in the oddest of suits, a dark blue cloak with a pale pink tunic. Plus a familiar orange cone hat that sat majestically on his head, perched like a crown on a broken king's head. Looked the same as always.

His grin took off like a sprinter as he spied the dark figure with his cold steel mask, that same old rugged air around him.

'Come in, and be damn with the weather!', he shouted fiercely, as the thunder cracked like a brutal whip, the lightning flashes lighting his face up with the brilliant sparks.

I signaled at the small orange figure sitting despondently at the doorsteps, and thrust her in with an almost rough shove, ignoring the high-pitched yelp.

'Get in girl, and don't forget your manners.' I hissed, glaring at the old man's face with an almost contemptuous gaze.

'Prince of Lupravia, always the adventurous one? And who is the other one?' he questioned; those wise eyes almost seemed to pierce my skin, into my thoughts. Never trust a wizard. Especially a sly one like this. My baleful pupils glinted behind the wall of steel.

Jess immediately rushed to the fire, her expression contented as she sat comfortably in the flames. Unfortunately she was still holding my cloak. Great.

Almost sheepishly, she threw it out, still smoking. I let it lay there, my attention focused on the wizard.

'I need a word with you young one first!' the old mage almost screamed. 'In privacy!' he said his tone reducing considerably as she rose to follow.

'Of course Cenere.' Four sullen syllables barely hinting at the dangerous tone I employed.

'Stay there.' I spoke blandly when Jess rose up again. Those blue eyes trailed across the room curiously as I turned around.

I followed listlessly, the steel caps of my boots clinking on the floor, and entered a room, which Cenere promptly locked.

'Look, what in madness are you doing here young one?' The Sorceress' troops and spies are everywhere, and you dare trespass on my abode? My sacred sanctuary? What do you want to do with me?! And who is that girl you bring with you?' The old man looked fit to kill, the purplish blue face swelling.

I calmly walked right in front of him, staring him straight in his eyes.

'Yes. In such times, it's a risk I'll take. Do not forget, that it was MY FAMILY, my family who took you in, MY GRANDFATHER, who sent you to that school to train you in the Arts, MY UNCLE who taught you everything that you have learnt!'

Those words seemed to deal him a physical blow, as he cursed and spat at me.

In a burst of rage, my gauntleted hand shot out, gripping Cenere by his neck, lifting him up as though he was a rag. Our faces face to face, I spoke just one sentence, releasing him from my iron grip.

'Now, it's time for you to do something for me.'

He stood there perplexed, gasping for air. 'I never should have entered that castle of yours, never should have left my village, and never should have stepped into YOUR accursed land, you WEREWOLF!'

The anger in me reached a tipping point; it spread through me, filling my veins, drawing from some deep inner well of fury.

'Do not mention that WORD Cenere!'

Just that, I heard a hushed scream from outside the door. Swinging around, the thought raced through my mind. No, no, did she know my secret??!!! I saw the cobalt blue eyes withdrawing from the keyhole.

NO! NO! NOT MY SECRET!

The lock twisted pathetically in all my sudden strength, as I crashed into the room, regardless of all my wounds, a storming shadow, and eyeballs livid, face taunt. After all my life hiding from others, running from the rest, I could bear neither the shame nor self-loathing anymore.

'What have you heard!!!!!!!? ?' My voice seemed to almost boom a thousand times louder, drowning the thunder, the fear grasping and wringing my wildly beating heart.

'No Nichodemus!' Cenere rasped. 'Don't harm a girl!'

I was past caring; my sword was an inch away from the girl's throat. Quivering, I raised my trusty blade. The hot tears welled up in my throat, as they dripped onto her.

'If only you knew the pain of being an outcast, of spending your whole life hiding in shame! To be born neither human nor beast, to come into this world a FREAK! To have to wear this mask of solitude!'

Suddenly, a bolt of Cenere's magic caught me square in the back, as I almost dropped my blade, howling.

'Cenere!!!!!!!!!!! You evil bastard!' the string of insults burst into my mind, yet I was intent on reaching her.

As I held her limp crying form up, something in my heart stopped. Would it be right to kill this being, the person who healed me? My hands clenched, the knuckles cracking in the gloomy room. For a moment, I lowered my sword, my tough demeanor softening for once.

Another blast of energy hit me, as this time the pain made me drop the tearing girl.

'Stop Nichodemus!'

The look I gave Cenere smoldered coolly, as the numbing pain again racked my still weakened body.

'Fine. I won't.'

I turned to the girl.

'Not a word of this. Not a single word to anyone. If I ever hear something, something so much as a syllable escape those lips, I won't hesi....'

The last crackling bolt of blue hit my face, scorching the mask. Cenere rushing forward...

All was blank as I swayed and fell again, the last bolt from Cenere's powerful magic too much to bear, my beloved mask hitting the floor before I did. Not again...not again...I heard voices shouting as the world swirled in a big dizzy mess and vanished...

nichodemus
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nichodemus
14,991 posts
Grand Duke

Oh sorry...Rain Rain Go Away is Part VI, and The Hated Secret is Part VII.

My bad.

nichodemus
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nichodemus
14,991 posts
Grand Duke

And thus Cenere entered the story....

Comments and feedback are very much welcome!

Maverick4
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Maverick4
6,800 posts
Peasant

Like I said earlier, you described it so well it felt like I was there. Though for the hated secret, I kinda wish I wasnt. Im scared now...

Looks good, keep it up. I only have a problem with the bolding of some words. When you bolded 'My Family', you should have bolded the second. It just sounds better, 'cuz when you bold the first it seems like you yell it, then start muttering. Bolding the second continues the loud, arguing tone your trying to convey, which you did well. Cant wait for the next one m8.

Pixie214
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Pixie214
5,837 posts
Peasant

This isn;t normally the kind of thing I read but god dang it it's compelling stuff The wall of text looked daunting but it was grat to read and time flew. Great dabs of humour keeps it reasonably light while still leaving it with a grea atmosphere... I can't wait to read more.

zlith
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zlith
1,252 posts
Nomad

Very interesting, and dialog is great. I can't wait till the next part.

Pazx
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Pazx
5,842 posts
Peasant

That was awesome.

ttly.

The description was amazing, like Mav, I felt like I was there.

firetail_madness
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firetail_madness
20,540 posts
Blacksmith

Wow...amazing, plus you've held your promise to continuing it...
Oo, could you add me into the story?

thisisnotanalt
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thisisnotanalt
9,821 posts
Shepherd

Not too bad. . .BUT STOP USING SO MANY ADVERBS! YOU WERE USING AS MANY AS 2 IN A SINGLE SENTENCE.

Adverbs are the tool of the lazy writer - shoot for not one or two a sentence, not one or two a paragraph, but one or two an installment. Use stronger nouns instead - adverbs make it a bit of a labor to read.

Btw, are you going to include me in the story? I'd say, not to be Narcissistic, that I'm well-known enough.

goumas13
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goumas13
4,749 posts
Grand Duke

The new part of the story was superb. Congratulations.

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