Woah, That title sure is long! I saw everybody was doing it so i said to myself, "Why shouldn't i make one?" So i uh... I did, You get the point! Anyways, as the title says... This will contain all stories i will make, So as to not spam up the place. So uh here's one!
The Doorbell One night i came home from work and went to sleep, Suddenly as i was about to fall asleep the doorbell rang, I hurriedly went downstairs and opened the door but to no avail nobody was there... I went back upstairs thinking it was just those children next door, Those hooligans... Then 2 hours later the doorbell rang again, I went back downstairs and once again opened the door, But nobody was there! I was starting to get worried... I went back upstairs and at midnight it rang again, This time somebody was there! A man wearing a long black hood with a large gun appeared, I was terrified, So i punched him in the face! After that... i was even more horrified to find...
A NOTE!!! I read it... and it said...
Dear Bob, You are fired! You are the worst person ever to work for me, Here are your things... Now never ever come back here! If you do i will skin you alive and burn your remains! Sincerely, Your Brother Bobby
It is obvious this is the first time you've began writing, no?
Firstly, Is this going to be an ongoing story? Is it a small introduction to the story?
Its just, every sentence seems to be rushed. Its too straight forward. Also, if this part is the first section of your story... It might not be such a good idea to write an important part of the story right at the beginning. Set the scene first. Add in adjectives, describe who you are, decribe your feelings, decribe your actions in more detail, etc.
I'm not telling you your story is bad, I'm just helping to improve it. Check out other stories posted in this Forum, it probably wont help, but heres my thread.
Don't give up writing when you've just started, I'm positive you'll get better!
Thanks for the motivational output Jess! I'll try my best, actually this won't be an ongoing story, It's just a place to put all my random stories... But i might reconsider.
Lunchmeat? Did you say Lunchmeat? I love lunchmeat! :P Anyways... New story!
Who Was That? It's 10:00 PM and i have just finished work, I get into my car and drive home... As i am halfway there a man wearing a yellow coat blocks my path, I attempt to push the breaks but they won't budge! So i end up smashing the man. I get out of my car and check on him but find nothing but his yellow coat, I scratch my head and get back into my car. I keep on driving towards home and then, I see the same man from before! But this time he's all skin and bones, He holds up a fleshy hand and i end up bumping into him. Because i can't see the road i end up smashing through the barrier on the bridge and land in the ocean... I wandered, "What did i do to deserve this?" Suddenly a bright white light appears and i wake up in the hospital, Surprised i say, "W-where is he?!" the Doctor replies, "Where is who?" surprised i respond, "T-the man from before! Where the hell is he?!" the Doctor calms me down and says, "You must be experiencing effects due to staying underwater for too long..." After that i was released out of the Hospital in 1 week, Then i never saw him again...
In a faraway place called "Wanderland" lived many abandoned children, They were all happy until... The Cereal Killer came! He visited all the houses of the Children and killed all their cereal! Without any cereal, they were nothing... Day by day the kids died but the Cereal Killer continued to live and kill cereal, But one kid stood up! He took his Dagger and shove it up the Cereal Killer's butt and killed him, as he lay there dying the Children cheered the kid! But after 80 years... All the children grew old and the place that was once Wanderland is now Olddale.
Yeah, i know it sucks... But I've been itching to get that story out of my head!
First up, it seems like most of your sentences are the same, or at least bear a very similar resemblance that bores the reader. For example, in your 'Who Was That?' story there were a least three lines that went
'I ended up.....'
This limits the plot and flow of the story.
Secondly, I feel that you should try and reduce the number of exclamation marks that you use. It makes the story too jumpy and gives the feeling that the writer is perpetually suprised at everything. Hence, the emotion is rather linear, no diversity.
Thirdly, try and flesh out the story properly, instead of having one paragraph. Story-writing doesn't work that way, a short story in definition is actually eighty pages and below. Though most people cannot write eighty pages, a paragraph I feel is rather too short to be classified as one.
Fourthly, the stories seem to be merely a description of events. Try to punctuate the lines with thoughts from the characters. How did you feel? What do you think the character will do next? These are all questions to help prod a story along, instead of solely description and recounts.
Well...that's just what I feel. I'm no writer, so I won't know fully.
Inspiration for you, Death, depression, suicide, Ohh God listen to myself. Umm, Happy children, Lifeless corpeses, being killed by a zombie, ohh god I really need to do something about this.
I Shouldn't Be Alive! I, Kevin and my two best friends Marcus and Paul were in the Jungle filming the rapids also with our local guide Alex. A rush of excitement and fear raced through me and then i told the gang, "Okay you guys... Let's start!" then we went deeper into the jungle.
As we went deeper into the Jungle we made sure we brought necessary things in order to survive just in-case we got lost. We rent a Boat and rode it across the rapids, But suddenly the rapid's currents became to strong and tipped the boat over we were dragged to the bottom and i swam up gasping for air. I then saw the upcoming Waterfall! I closed my eyes and after a few moments i was at the bottom of the Rapids... The deepest part of the Jungle.
Me, Marcus, and Paul kept pacing back and forth full of fear and worry, but then Alex interrupted us and said, "Okay we're never going to get out of this just by worrying... We will go from here up the Jungle to the nearest Amazonian Village" then we saw him pick up a stick and draw the stream towards the village, Marcus went with him but Me and Paul decided to continue the filming...
We built a raft out of fallen trees and dried up vines, Then we rode the Raft through the rapids it all started out calm and relaxing. But as we were halfway through the rapids the currents became stronger and a chill went down my spine and fear started to overcome me, But we couldn't give up now... Suddenly we bumped a large rock and the raft got stuck in it, Due to the bump we were knocked unconscious. 10 minutes later i wake up and awaken Paul i tell him, "Okay dude I'm going to swim downstream and then throw you a rope okay?" then i jumped off the raft and i heard his faint screams of, "Don't do it Kevin! KEVIN!!!"
The currents were strong and they were overcoming me i started to gasp for air and soon i reached downstream, I reached for the rope i took from the Survival Bag earlier and threw it at Paul he managed to grab it but... It was too late, I heard an uncomfortable sound and the raft fell from the rock and Paul was washed away downstream! I tugged on the rope but the currents were too strong.
A sense of guilt and fear overcame me it was my fault that Paul died... Why couldn't it have been me? Suddenly i heard a whirring sound and i looked up, I just couldn't believe my eyes! It was a helicopter so i screamed, "Hey! Down here!" i got their attention and they threw a ladder down... I climbed up the ladder and safely got into the helicopter.
I got back to the village where we started at and i pleaded the military owning the helicopter to go on an Air Search for Paul, It took me days to convince them. But it was better than nothing! I hopped onto the Helicopter and we started looking all over for Paul. But the search proved to be fruitless then the pilot told me, "We must go back, The harsh storms and rain will be here soon. We have to turn back!" so he did turn back...
I had lost all hope and i went back home to spend Christmas with my family. Everyday i thought of Paul and every time i did i felt very guilty... I could have saved him, but instead i let him to rot. I told Paul's family what had happened and they were horror-struck... 10 Years later Paul's dead body was found in the heart of the jungle, He was given a proper burial. Then i thought why couldn't it have been me who died?
After a week from the burial i finally remembered about Marcus and Alex the Military searched them from the air and the land, But none of their bodies were found and they had left no possible trace to follow, Then i told them about the Amazonian Village Alex had marked on the sand then they told me, "This Village you speak of... It doesn't exist" then i was even more guilty than before, I lived a guilty life until i realized i couldn't be guilty for the rest of my life. My friends wouldn't have wanted me to be sad they wanted me to be happy, So i did i lived my life to the fullest and then...
I killed myself to join them in Heaven, To whoever is reading this now and if you did read this all the way through thank you for caring for me and my friends.
So... *gasping for air* Was that... *huff puff* good enough?!
Gah, Okay dude I don't have much of a wide vocabulary also do you expect me to not repeat the same sentences in a long story like that? Anyways... Glad to know it's better.
