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Bronze
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Bronze
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Shepherd

This thread is for me to post my art, mainly drawings.
So you guys just sit back and enjoy, and please feel free to make a comment. My first piece is something I usually do to warm-up.

http://i584.photobucket.com/albums/ss282/BronzeCAE09/MrSmiley.jpg

Say hi to Mr. Smiley

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pangtongshu
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pangtongshu
9,808 posts
Jester

Not sure if your offer is still out, but I'm about to post one of my stories (with the illustration of course)


Offer is still out =) If you are ever interested..send me a message, I'll give you email, and we can collaborate.

-----

Now for the story...

Little children should listen to the warnings of their elders. Bad things happen when you don't. Take Loris for example. A little boy who never listened, and that ended up making his life- well, you should just hear the story first. Hopefully you'll learn from it.


I really like the intro..a very classic one. The line "and that ended up making his life-..." could use some alteration, saying how the event didn't "end up making his life" anything other than over. Maybe something like "A little boy who never listened, and that ended up being a grave mistake. How so? Well..you will just have to listen and find out. Maybe you'll learn from it...hopefully."
1) The grave part adds in a nice simple foreshadowing.
2) This is keeping with the "for kids" theme, of course.

Loris never minded the warnings of his elders, but he loved to hear stories.


Later in the story, Loris turns out to be a sort of jerk..which is never hinted at early on. The fact that this is for kids, especially, gives more of a reason to give a notice of him being so. Something like "Loris never minded the warnings of his elders, let alone the elders themselves" would give a nice hint that Loris isn't the sweetest of children.

Loris usually went to Old Mr. Baker everyday demanding stories. Old Mr. Baker would smile his snaggley smile, spit out a thick black glob, and give one weezy cough. His story would always follow. Old Mr. Baker never told the same story, but there was always a lesson within each one. Old Mr. Baker knew that Loris would do his best to go against any lessons taught, so today Old Mr. Baker came up with an idea. One that would finally teach Loris a real lesson. Old Mr. Baker gave his smile...


Since it is a story for kids..the writing style is fine. My irk is the constant use of "Old Mr. Baker"...a horror/scary story, no matter what age limit it is directed at, thrives on flow. I'm usually a big fan of flow, but no more so than in a horror story..for if the flow is messed up, the ambiance of the story becomes ruined. Switching out "Old Mr. Baker" for "The old man" after calling him the former name once should suffice.

Old Mr. Baker knew why, because he was much older than the Loveapple house.


The second fragment really stood out to me, for we already discussed earlier in the story how Mr. Baker was older than most things..so the need to bring it up again here just seems frivolous, and really drags on that idea (him knowing why) longer than it should. "..but no one knew why, except Mr. Baker, of course." is a perfectly able substitution.

but Loris was still very nervous.


I don't like that Loris is so blatantly nervous here. It doesn't fit well with the character model created so far. Maybe "but nevertheless Loris began to feel a bit uneasy,

Loris grew angry at his friends for not celebrating his bravery. Mad, Loris went home.


This just runs together awkwardly..maybe change it to something like "Lois grew angry at his friends for not celebrating his bravery, and stormed off home."

Old Mr. Baker watched all of this, and he gave his biggest snaggley smile.


What a conniving little jerk he is too! haha
*note: you could opt to give Mr. Baker an even larger conniving effect with "Old Mr. Baker watched all this on his way back home from the well, with just one less coin in his pocket." It also adds a little mystery to him..was he personally involved, or did he just go to look?

Anyways..I liked the story! It was a nice simple one, just needs to be tweaked. With the picture..it really reminds me of "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark"
dair5
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dair5
3,371 posts
Shepherd

Oh I get it, there's a little shock when you find it. That's pretty cool. Are you going to do more?

Bronze
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Bronze
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Shepherd

Thanks a lot pang. Twas very helpful. I'll probably comment more when I'm not trying to sleep.

Oh I get it, there's a little shock when you find it. That's pretty cool. Are you going to do more?


HECK Yes.
Bronze
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Bronze
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Shepherd

Maybe something like "A little boy who never listened, and that ended up being a grave mistake. How so? Well..you will just have to listen and find out. Maybe you'll learn from it...hopefully."


I really like that. It's also easier for a kid to understand, I think.

Since it is a story for kids..the writing style is fine. My irk is the constant use of "Old Mr. Baker"...a horror/scary story, no matter what age limit it is directed at, thrives on flow. I'm usually a big fan of flow, but no more so than in a horror story..for if the flow is messed up, the ambiance of the story becomes ruined. Switching out "Old Mr. Baker" for "The old man" after calling him the former name once should suffice.


That's true. I was paranoid about using the word 'it' and confusing the reader. Don't know why I didn't think of other descriptive words.

And heck, all of your suggestions are right on point. I really like adding that bit about Mr. Baker at the end too. Thanks again! I'll edit it soon.

And more art for all yall! This next one is a painting IN COLOR! Painting and color are my weaknesses. Ironically, my major emphasizes painting, but I've yet to take a class on painting.

http://i584.photobucket.com/albums/ss282/BronzeCAE09/d1d7028a-cc82-409c-8b7d-34fab0230f80.jpg~original

The scanner did it's best I guess, but it's still didn't pick all the color up. I did this with acrylics on a tiny scrap piece of paper.
pangtongshu
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pangtongshu
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Jester

That's true. I was paranoid about using the word 'it' and confusing the reader.


Ah..I get the same way when writing about a scene between two people. The trick is to find a way to either center most the actions around one person (so that you can refer to that person with "him/her" so that the reader knows which one it refers to) or give one a simpler name, like the suggest "old man".

And heck, all of your suggestions are right on point. I really like adding that bit about Mr. Baker at the end too. Thanks again! I'll edit it soon.


Woo! =D

-----

As for the painting..art is a weak point of mine, mostly because I really dislike art...not like art in general, I dislike doing art..'cause I sucks at it.

Anyways..I likes it...but is it supposed to be a dog, yes? The ear's throw me off and make me think maybe deer with your beard =p
Bronze
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Bronze
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Shepherd

For 50,000 views, here is a win.

http://fav.me/d6emzj0

but is it supposed to be a dog, yes?


Nope

deer with your beard =p


This.
Bronze
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Bronze
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Shepherd

Oops, wrong link.

http://i584.photobucket.com/albums/ss282/BronzeCAE09/hanks.png~original

pangtongshu
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pangtongshu
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Jester

deer with your beard =p

This.


Aha! =D I thought it was one of those dogs with the fur like that..I can't remember what kind they are. There's a pokemon after them

Speaking of pokemon..that one gave me a nice giggle =p
dair5
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dair5
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Shepherd

I like how the trees in the background blend with the horns. I feel like it emphasizes how connected it is to nature. I think it looks really good. How big was the paper?

Bronze
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Bronze
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Shepherd

The paper size is approx. 4.5x10 inches.

Here is a pen drawing of Jecht from FFX.

http://i584.photobucket.com/albums/ss282/BronzeCAE09/23b00662-3c00-4633-bd03-c7799b9770ae.jpg~original

Erabor
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Erabor
274 posts
Nomad

Wow... and that's in pen?
That kind of looks like art that I might see in a Naruto comic strip, or a D&D 3.5 adventure module.
He looks like a good solid fighter, complete with a large sword and what I guess is war paint on his chest. I'm trying to think of possible constructive criticism, and the only thing I can come up with is shading, as it appears to be none. You probably meant to add no shading, but I thought I would point that out anyways. In addition, those eyes seem a little.... lifeless. I'm probably the only one who thinks this, but maybe by adding a little emotion in his peepers, this character would be fleshed out a little more.
Then again, you don't have to listen to anything I have to say, but other than those two things, you have a nice piece of art.
Keep up the good work.

Bronze
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Bronze
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Shepherd

This one was part of my final. It's my first use of wood in any media, and it came out pretty weird...

http://i584.photobucket.com/albums/ss282/BronzeCAE09/F1DF323E-455C-428F-AC0B-C8C669A87756-10349-000009CD4E40A82A.jpg~original

I've also noted that anything I touch turns into something macabre. Even when I'm not trying.

Bronze
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Bronze
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Shepherd

Phones are great at getting a certain look.

http://i584.photobucket.com/albums/ss282/BronzeCAE09/9e68692a-9e58-42d0-a47c-3f2c08dbd637.jpg

dudeguy45
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dudeguy45
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Peasant

Holy **** the memories

Bronze
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Bronze
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Shepherd

Hey hey dudeguy. You should pop around more often and make some more memories.

Today I have 2 paintings for yall. I'm heavily influenced by Stephen Gammell if yall can't tell. Let me know what you think!

http://i584.photobucket.com/albums/ss282/BronzeCAE09/b057ab2f-6717-43d1-8e9c-64a77a40c076.jpg~original

http://i584.photobucket.com/albums/ss282/BronzeCAE09/c43e6b2f-3cb1-4c3f-b2c7-ee1d1e7f336e.jpg~original

Close up:
http://i584.photobucket.com/albums/ss282/BronzeCAE09/c02fc52f-a47e-429b-9a1e-b28fcc8a616f.jpg~original

Sorry if they are dark, I don't live in the sunlight anymore.

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