Forums → Art, Music, and Writing → Haiku Contest - Broken Bond (page 531, due: Feb 2)
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A Haiku is a Japanese lyric verse form having three unrhymed lines of five, seven, and five syllables, traditionally invoking an aspect of nature or the seasons.
Well, that said, heres the rules:
1) The Haiku must be original (no plagarizing)!
2) It must fit the weeks theme
3) It must be submitted before the deadline
4) It must be submitted for the contest (no using works previously written)
5) One Submission per user
6) The Same User cannot win twice in a row (but there welcome to submit!)
Hopefully oneday the winner could get a merit...
The Deadline will always be a Wednsday, so the deadline for the first theme will be Wednsday, September 2. The theme is The Pond
(special thanks to 'thisisnotanalt'
- 5,299 Replies
Frozen wilderness,
Life struggles to stay alive,
they don't give up easy.
sorry I meant to say in the end: the just won't give up
My body decays,
Into the dead forest floor,
Where I will bring life.
My body decays,
Into the dead forest floor,
Where I will bring life.
The theme is arctic.
30 minutes until the submissions are closed.
I won't judge anything that's after midnight ( East Canada's timezone ); I know I'm not as indulgent as I was before but for my own sake, I must respect the deadline. I never expected such an increase in the number of submissions. However, feel safe to know the judging will have its regular deal of detailed comments, as I'm used to do; as much as I'd like to have it finished right now, you'll have to wait as much as a day or two for it. Not too shabby given the weight of the job right?
It's already halfay done so really, it shouldn't be long. Anyway, we judges have all used you to waiting haven't we
Things are going pretty smootly, and I bet you'll be satisfied. Results should be up tomorrow.
I'm almost done; as a reminder before the judging post, and because it will already be long enough for me to be doing any politics in it, know that if your haiku's not in the judging post, it may be because it doesn't have the right amount of syllables, not because I forgot it.
Also, while I haven't seen anything innappropriate thus far, remember that any Haiku that's either offensive or too much off-topic will not be judged; I've already enough job to be straying from it, thanks.
As I said, a day or two: it will be up today before midnight.
Fantastic, Fallen!
Glad you could judge this quickly!
Waiting is painful.
The lone soul award; master565
Cold, wet, frozen lakes
I walk about this tundra
For i am alone
I get a powerful, indeniable feeling of loneliness and desolation from this poem. A picture smitten by affliction and sadness; one that tells of a man that feels to be the last on earth in this deserted hell. Great imagery.
The decided adventurers award; Ghgt99
Bright winter moonlight
Blizzards of icy cold blow
The fire warms us
While you paint a magic scene out of the cold arctic, it also talks of impending dangers inherent to snow, for what is beautiful can be deadly. I like the parallel you trace of the snow's engrossing beauty and its mercilessness, thus the need for a good fire! However, I'm not counting syllables on pronouciation alone, and the last line will be counted as having only four syllables. What it means is only that it's not eligible to the merit, not that you didn't make a good job.
The white hell award; jacksonghuntington
White blur, falling snow
This barren wasteland I walk
The first sign of life
While I have judged something very similar already, I don't have the same feeling when reading yours. What I perceive is the quest of someone hardy; someone willing to be there despite the harsh weather. The exhaustive description - exhaustive for a three lines poem - of the snow just adds to the idea I make myself of an adventurer desperatly searching for something. Nice poem.
The Neige award; Endscape
Such lights are above
the aurora shines so bright
her beauty un-matched.
Intringuing setup for the theme, yet the confusion is not as grand as to make rise too much of a frustration about your poem; it's just the kind of work we like to let our imagination follow. We don't know whose beauty you're talking about, yet it's what makes the ideas sail; we don't know how the hell someone could have a beauteous woman in front of him while venturing the Arctic, yet we like to let the romance of the situation fleet through our thoughts however illogic it may be, unless of course it's not the beauty of ''someone'', but rather ''something''. See: questionning. So I'll just say that this is a nice piece. The flow is constant and there's no major jarring in the sound. Good work, but remember that while lack of precision may be an asset, it can also turn as a impairment.
The ''should've checked fox 44'' award; Quirinus1
The infinite snow,
In vain I try to survive.
There is no escape.
Violent picture of the restlessness fury of the cold. While we've had some entries talking about the snow's harshness, this one is among the starkest of them. Not only does it depicts the Arctic as being vicious and stringent; the narrator is completely helpless and is bound to a certain death. Sad but bluntly true; I like the realism, makes us remember to not venture the Arctic Fo'fun. Good. I think this is your first submission here? Then again, it may just be me that's been offline for too long. In any case, I'll be expecting you to come back.
The ''they come out at night'' award; Krizaz
The screaming wind blows
The cry of a thousand men
The birth of the night
Who? The Prinnies of course, dood! Night in these lands is as deadly as any weapon. While we don't conceive it that way; the Arctic is in fact a gigantic graveyard. It's certainly one of the places in the world that killed the most unprepared explorers. Now, repetition can be an attractive choice, but I don't like how it shapes the very flow of your poem. Quite sad really since the Haiku in itself is pretty good. The mistake here was to use the same word at the beginning of every line; it sets up a hacked and previsible flow that is unlike the natural and unrestrained spirit of general poetry. Aside from that though, I'm pretty satisfied with your use of the theme, good job.
The Breath of fire award; CommanderDude7
Breath coming faster
Fire burning down to ashes
Cold all around me
I like how it shows how helpless one can be in the face of natural hardships. You know death's coming, yet you're too stricken by cold numbness to do anything but wait until the fire's out even if you know your life will be out too. Quite a nice submission.
The diet award; theregulator
Weather Station Phi,
I thought it would be warmer.
Why did I sign up?
Yep, cuz you're like the diet Haiku out of all these serious dr.pepper Haikus. There's always a submission or two that are more easygoing and light * points a finger at strop * and this time it just so happens to be you. That's a funny Haiku, quite refreshing given the theme. I've nothing much to say really, the flow's unhindered, the theme is respected. If you want a chance at winning though, more serious poems would help. Good job anyhow.
The Refrigerator!? award; idontsuckthatmuch
Forever frozen,
The horizon wrapped in ice,
As this world slumbers.
Perhaps the most famous award I've ever given; well this is the first image that came to my mind while reading your poem. It paints a picture of an hibernating, closed-up world, isolated from the common lands of men. Something untouchable, almost mystic...See, fridge image right *here*, I can't help it. Pretty nice poem.
The GORE award; KingLemon
A frozen wasteland
An undefined majesty
Slowly leaving us
At least the man had good intentions...It is heartbreaking to think of how even animals as wonderful and resilient as polar bears are found dead in the Ocean out of swimming too much ( A Polar bear can swim for about 100 Km without stopping, isn't it amazing given its size and the weight it must be when wet). Oh, sorry, I'm digressing here...Yes, really, a sad Haiku for the most. Vernes described the Arctic as being deadly but infinitely magnificent so the only thought of it slowly fading away with time is quite depressing. The arctic is one of the wonders that will be coming more and more umbeknownst to the younger generations until we find some way to preserve it. Nice poem, gives me an urge to go listen to some documentaries.
The remoraid award; TackyCrazyTNT
White wasteland barren.
Aurora Borealis
Breaks the sullen night
Chapeau to those who can tell me why this award. That's a remarkable Haiku; it shows that even a land uncapable of yielding anything proficiently can have it's own unique wonders and secrets. You can actually relate to many things with this Haiku, and on this note, a well know saying comes to mind: ''Don't judge a book by its cover''. Playing the damp and murky fashion of the Arctic against its colorful portent really created a nice piece, good work Tacky.
The Ski free award; Maverick4
Eternal I gaze,
As stars and snow blend and fall
On my frost-white tomb.
You're deserving of my favorite award thus far Maverick...I'm sure they made a graveyard next to that skiing resort...Okay, back on topic. Have you already read a book called ''Neige''. Because it's awfully similar to a particular situation in that book. Of course I'm not accusing you, I wouldn't dare, just being curious that's all. Anyway, literature put aside, this Haiku paints a romantic effigy of those dead in the cold. The bodies are conserved by the extreme temperature, bound to ''witness'' the going of time as the snow falls. Good Haiku. On a personnal note, please read Neige, by Maxence Fermine; it's very tiny - perhaps not even more than 60 pages long - but surely you'll be shocked by how resembling it can be.
The polar star award; Jeol
An arctic night light
Hanging above in the sky
what brilliant design
The major problem to me in this Haiku is the last line. The flow there is throbbing, not effortless as it should. While it doesn't occur to most, starting the third line in the middle or end of the second one can be quite elegant:
An Arctic night light
Hanging in the dark sky; what
a brilliant design
See, it's already a lot less hacked that way, plus it's original. Semicolons are all fit for that kind of job; they contribute to keep the flow smooth and unhindered. On another note now, the poem's pretty good. Of course, I'm but a single judge, so don't take it too seriously. Except for that last mechanic line, the theme's respected and all's great.
The picky hunter award; StormDragon
Snow white arctic wolf,
I want to see you but I
don't live where you do.
Well, this is a more lighthearted take on the theme than what we've been used to thus far. A funny little piece; very ingenuous, almost childish. Good work using the theme in another way than the majority, keep that spirit up, it will pay someday I'm sure.
The ''Compass? Pfff...''' award; dudeguy45
The whip of the wind
I squint as the flakes pelt me
northern lights guide me
First thing that comes to sight here is the repetition making rhyming lines; it is a little hard on the ear for such a little poem. Aside from that, I really like the expression of harshness that exudes especially from the second line. Yet another clever poem to describe how terrible the Arctic weather can be.
The...cold...award; chitown
Freezing Freezing Cold
The cold is chilling your bones
Don't succumb to it
A lot of repetition here; remember that Haikus are very short piece so you have as few words as possible to leave a powerful impression. Repetition is hardly ever a good thing when it comes to Haikus because you loose of those words so precious to express yourself. Aside from that, I think you have clearly made your point; it is cold up there, there's no denying it. Not so bad, but try work a little more an the verbal part next time.
The cancer season award; KingOfAthlum
Black night so bitter
If only spring would arrive
The arctic would die
Well, I see you used the term ''Arctic'' in a more general way, interesting. I'm used to lengthy, cold winters myself so I can relate to the feeling of eagerness that precedes spring's coming. While not as heavy as some other submissions, it does exhale a profound odium towards winter and its somewhat Arctic temperature.
The God among bears award; 1337Player
A cold white desert
Uninhabited, empty
Minus polar bears
I couldn't have said better myself; shows just how resilient and powerful polar bears are. And to think even the mighty white bears are dying from lack of iced land, it is overly saddening wouldn't you agree? A bright piece on the Arctic and its denizens, nice job.
The ''Why am I not surprised Enter wrote this'' award; EnterOrion
Frozen winter dream
Genuflecting the helpless
The weak all perish
Hecatomb; dying of the helpless; crushing the weak; that's so downright Orionesque. A most depressing take at the theme. Remembers us of the fury of the frozen lands, and how dangerous they can be. The Haiku also warns the carefree dreamers of the impending perils that will befall any unprepared adventurer.
The land of agony award; Paarfam
Wasteland of cold death
Empty space abound, grim strays
God, assistance, help
A simple, realistic poem on the Arctic. The last line is a little too chopped for my liking though. While it puts a nice, tragic finishing ring to the poem, there's too much pauses for the Haiku's good; it's not fluent enough, and would be more suited for general poetry rather than little poems like this. There's an obvious sentiment of despair coming through however, and the piece is overall pretty good. Just don't abuse commas, and if you do, try to divide them among the piece so as to make the flow feel more natural, more fleeting.
The Cold Metal (?) award; Hahiha
Cold night emitting
Faint tune, arctic sonata;
A song of silence
Please excuse my musical ignorance, I only know the band by name, so if the poem relates to a particular song or redundant theme of the band, you'll have to explain me. If it's really just about the band's name, then I must say I wasn't expecting a poem like this, good job for being original. Good poem, maybe just a little too personnal for me to judge it efficiently since I don't know much about the band in question.
The bear needs a diet award; TerryLasVegas
A vast arctic bear
Treads along the white desert
Breaking the soft ice
I like the powerful imagery at work here. While awfully simple, the power of the words on the imagination is quite effective; I can clearly picture the majestic scene of the bear walking on the brittle ice. Judicious choice of words.
The Vampire's turf award; invisibleninjagirl
Barren land of snow
Quiet freezes in the air
Everlasting night
Oh, that's quite poetic ''Quiet freezes in the air''. It's been a while since I've seen some abstract like this; where art thou Zoark! I can barely imagine how much of a silence must reign on this part of the world, but I appreciate the way you have voiced it out in your poem; very well said, bravo.
The Aeris award; Ernie15
Frigid fields of ice
Slowly melt aloft the sea
The Earth sheds a tear
Wow, that's a remarkable metaphor Ernie, I'm pretty pleased with your submission. The flow's impeccable, the use of the theme is magnificent, and the poem is actually relevant to global warming and its dreadful impact. This representation of the earth is amazing too, I've nothing but praise for this Haiku.
The penguin airport award; MoonFairy
Penguins are gliding
Through the treacherous waters
Almost like flying.
That's a beautiful image of the little guys. When we think ''enguin'', we think ''little chubby bird incapable of flying''. I think you've painted a much more beauteous portrait of these critters. Just imagining them braving the frozen water is a formidable scene; changes this image I had of penguins stupidly quacking in a bunch on the ice fields for no apparent reason. Pretty nice poem.
The vesperal sherbet award; hypermnestra
Endless night hugs snow
But someday the sun will rise
Night, snow, melt away
You know that even in summer, it's still minus 10 (maximum) at the north pole, so it's not as if the snow will all melt away; the night will however. I won't repeat myself on repetitions (?) since I think it's already a little more appropriate here, but pay attention at how you handle that gamble from now on. It's a well made Haiku; a nice representation of the Arctic's reality.
The BEAR KILLER! award; deathopper
The African heat
Would be desired in this
Freezing arctic snow.
You sure about that? You're scary. I do get the point, but the repercussions would be awful. Aside from that outrageous use of the theme, the Haiku's flow is pretty nice. I tend to like it when people use the second line to introduce the third; makes the poem as a whole a lot smoother. Good, good.
The Irony! award; Bladerunner679
Frozen wilderness,
Life struggles to stay alive,
they just won't give up
A little simplistic; you should work on preventing cases like putting together ''Life'' and ''Alive'' in the same phrase; it's kind of an ear bleed inducer. And that award, one of my favorite. Been a while since I gave it. It's pretty funny because the reason why the species of the Arctic struggle is because their frozen wilderness is fading away. Other than that, they're perfectly adapted to the extreme cold. Anyhow, the structure is fine, you should just pay attention to the words your using.
FINALLY!!!
Without any further ado, the winner is Ernie!!
I feel a little bad for giving the merit to a fellow judge, but know that it's a decision most impartial so really, there's nothing I can do about it; I believe you'll see why Ernie's the winner after reading his poem, and for all the reasons I mentionned, he's deserving of the merit, of that I'm convinced.
Now, now, everyone did a very good job, and as always, judging wasn't easy at all. I'll use the occasion to remind you all that this is a crapload of job, and that us judges are doing this benevolently so I hope you're glad about our work ^^.
Upon that colossal post, the next theme will be
Oxygen
Use it however you like ^^.
Euf...I'M DONE!
Who came in second? ;D
Ah, I'm only kidding. I like my refrigerator award.
Better start working on my next entry.
Mother"s LOVE... and her WRATH
Great Mothe of Life
whom allows all to be burnt
kill or save me mom?
only she can choose...
The land of agony award; Paarfam
That's exactly what I was aiming for! YES!
The "Cold Metal Award" pleases me ^^
There were a lot of Haikus this time, or maybe it's because they were all judged 0.o well anyway I'll have to think of something with oxygen without slipping into chemistry...
On a personnal note, please read Neige, by Maxence Fermine; it's very tiny - perhaps not even more than 60 pages long - but surely you'll be shocked by how resembling it can be.
I honesly haven't a clue as to what you're referencing, so I'll have to find it. Whats is it about?
Draw your final breath
Don't take your air for granted
your lungs thank you
Thread is locked!