ForumsArt, Music, and WritingJkar's Assorted Fables

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Jessikar
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Jessikar
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Nomad

Alright, I've made several stories over the years, but particularly enjoy writing fables. Stories with a moral, or perhaps, more like a Native American theme, explaining how things came to be. And I want to share these with you all! So I'm going to release the first fable when I'm done, and I'd like some review, please.

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Moabarmorgamer
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Moabarmorgamer
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Great. All right, make your fable. This will be fun to read. Jess is as good at writing stories as I am.
*waiting for fable*

Ernie15
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Ernie15
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Bard

You should replace the characters' names with AG users. Just so more people would pay attention to them.

Jessikar
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Jessikar
67 posts
Nomad

A Native American themed one. Obviously not true, but still fun.

Animals and humans could once talk to one another, and lived together peacefully on the Great Continent, the only land on the World, it was vast and spread for many lopes. The Ocean covered the rest of the World. Animals and Humans could do so because of the two great gifts bestowed upon them by the Sky Spirit: Animal-Speak, and Human-Speak. Now, humans and animals are not so very different creatures, but they converse in different ways, and thus, both needed their separate gifts of Speech. Each was kept in a single chest made out of a mighty oak, latched shut tightly with a twine rope wound around the entire chest. It was kept at the bottom of the Ocean, by the gigantic land pillar that held the Great Continent aloft, and guarded by all the creatures who lived in the Ocean.
Now, Water Snake tried once to steal the gifts of Speech from the mighty chest at the bottom of the sea, but failed. As a punishment from the Sky Spirit, Water Snake's gift of Speech was revoked, and Water Snake became a miserable, wretched creature; the only one who couldn't speak. He tried to contact his brother, Land Snake, and convince him to steal a piece of Speech and give it to Sea Snake(communicating telepathically), but Land Snake refused, fearing retribution from the Sky Spirit. And not a single one of the other animals dared question the Sky Spirit. One day, the Penguin went to the top of the mountain to request Water Snake be given the gift of speech again.
"Lord," she said, flapping to stay aloft(even though Penguin was prided herself on being the best flier in the animal kingdom, staying at the top of the mountain was difficult for even her), "Water Snake has suffered for many passing moons. Should we not offer him forgiveness, and give him his Speech again?" but this served only to anger the Sky Spirit, and it took away Penguin's gift of Flight. She plummeted to the ground, injuring her legs as well. And to this day, Penguins cannot fly, and they must waddle, as their flippers were injured when the first Penguin fell.
Next, Cougar wanted to try. He was very good at climbing, and managed to scale up to the top of the mountain, his thick, mighty mane keeping him warm.
"Lord!" roared Cougar. "Penguin and Water Snake have suffered enough. Should we not let them go and forgive them for their mistakes?" But, as before, this served only to anger the Sky Spirit, and it took away Cougar's great gift of his Mane. On the way down the mountain, Cougar got far too cold without his mane to keep him warm, and had to stay on the mountain. To this day, Cougars don't have manes, and they enjoy living on high ground.

Finally, King Lion called a meeting between animals and humans.
"I think the Sky Spirit might be acting unfairly," Lion said unhappily.
"So what can we do?" demanded a Human.
"We can rebel," replied King Lion.

King Lion, the Human, and all living things gathered at the bottom of the ocean. Manta-Ray had made them a giant bubble, so they could breathe, and took them there on his back. They reached the pillar, and next to it, the chest. King Lion slashed the twine ropes easily with his claw, and opened the chest. Suddenly, the gift of Speech came rushing out of the chest, whooshing through the ocean, leaving a jetstream in its wake. The pure speed rocked the pillar, and it began to crack, threatening to topple onto the creatures. But the Sky Spirit saw them. Unhappy as Sky Spirit was with its servants, it didn't want them not to be able to speak forever. So it caught the gifts of speech. But the gift of Animal Speak rushed out into the sea, never to be found again. The pillar crumbled, and cracked. The Great Continent spread into seven continents, and the animals and humans both learned their lesson. Never question your elders.

Jessikar
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Jessikar
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Nomad

You should replace the characters' names with AG users. Just so more people would pay attention to them.

I know that worked for my older brother(The Search), but I'd have to get permission. And it's just too much of a hassle to put their names in my story. Besides, I like making my own characters, not taking other peoples' creations.
Moabarmorgamer
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Moabarmorgamer
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Pretty good. I don't see any elocutionary errors, and although a little more explanation couldn't hurt, it was a fun read.

TSL3_needed
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TSL3_needed
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but I'd have to get permission


From none other than me >: )

Dudeguy still hasn't forgiven me I be : (

I like ze story. Very fableish. Could almost be a real story OO.OO
Jessikar
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Jessikar
67 posts
Nomad

Wait a sec...you're the one that bailed on writing the story Jon joined up on?
Just so you know, he hasn't forgiven you either.
Nah, just kidding with the second part. I'm glad you people like the story.

Jessikar
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Jessikar
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Nomad

Shane pulled his coat closer to him as the biting October winds whistled past his ears. His nose was red and numb, as were his fingers. He ignored all that, clutching the ebony chest in his icy fingers as if it were the most precious thing in the world. His breath came out in ragged heaves, causing a slight mist to occur. The crisp crunch of snow sounded beneath his feet as he walked, not noticing that the pristine blanket of snow was not white as it should be, but pink, streams of scarlet liquid gushing behind Shane as he walked, running from his half-mutilated stomach down his leg to the snow. He noticed none of that, the pain, the blood, the cold, his attention fixated on his prize.
He had been in the forest with his friends, Angie, Lisa, and Mike, exploring the dark woods after school as usual. The snow falling down onto their heads made them laugh, and a massive snowball fight ensued. Whilst gathering snow for the fight, Shane noticed something strange. A shiny black object protruding strangely from the white snow. He ran towards it and picked it up.He called his friends, and they raced towards him, the snowball fight forgotten. Their curiosity piqued, they had decided to open the box. Inside was the most beautiful thing in the world, and each of them saw a different creature. And each wanted it for themselves. Mike had made the first grab for the box, and his hand was quickly swept aside by Angie, the two close friends getting into a fistfight, blood spurting from hammering fists. That left Lisa and Shane to fight it out over the box. Lisa had grabbed it and Shane had tackled her, taking his friend down. His mind had been crystal clear. That box was more important than anything. The creature in the box urged them all on, and the friends fought. Pounding his elbow into Lisa's nose, breaking it, Shane grabbed the box. Then Mike drew his pocketknife. He lunged at Angie first, slitting her throat. Blood sprayed across all of them, splattering the white snow with red. Then he went for Shane, jabbing at his chest. Shane managed to somewhat deflect the knife off his arm, slicing it deeply, but diverting a killing blow to his stomach instead. Then he made a grab for the knife. Shane and Mike grappled, and suddenly Shane came out victorious, wielding the knife. With no hesitation, he stabbed it into his friend's face, then whirled around and killed Lisa. Then he picked up the box and the creature gently, and hobbled home.
Shane was unsure what was happening to him, just that the box and the creature were the most important things in the world.
"You did well, Shane," it crooned. Shane smiled, a gruesome sight with his bloody gums and missing teeth from the fight.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm Cupid," answered the creature. "Love is the most beautiful thing in the world. And seeing someone kill for you...makes you feel so great. It's indescribable."
"I will do whatever you ask, Cupid," said Shane, with dedication.
"I want you to do something for me," said Cupid, smiling.
"What?" asked Shane.
"Kill yourself."

The boy's body clunking to the ground echoed throughout the snow-covered houses and streets, the blood gushing through the gutters like a rain of scarlet terror.

marton96
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marton96
404 posts
Nomad

Sorry about the irrelevanceness of this but the was a character on an old sci-fi show called Babylon 5 who's name was J'Kar (spelled just like that)

Jessikar
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Jessikar
67 posts
Nomad

Weird. I just shortened it from Jessikar.

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