I wrote this poem over the summer, and since have recieved positive feedback on it, so I decided to post it here. Enjoy!
Armageddon
Forgotten , lost in time Blood painting the ground red. But no name in remembered, Screams echoing in forgotten tales. Unnamed by history, The soldier lives, fights and dies, The words âhonorable deathâ Thrust upon his lifeless corpse; But he has died for nothing. Lost in the whirlwind of life, war, and death; While the wars rage on.
With hellish machines So many die; With hellish machines They rise again: Steel monsters, only risen to kill. Heartless, merciless, and invincible, The strongest of men fall, screaming, Into the outstretched arms of Death, While the death-grinning dead march on. War is Hell. But the wars raged on.
Anarchy rules the earth, Fire flowing from his opened maw, Sending every trace of humanity Tumbling into the outstretched arms of Death. Maybe it will end someday, Or maybe some survived. But while the races will live, And the races will die, The wars will rage on.
Much time passes. Recovery is slow, But finally civilization has returned, All traces of the demonic and powerful Ancients Have disappeared. The ones who walk the earth now are not human Nor are they animals. Neither man nor beast, They rebuilt everything The Ancients destroyed. But, as it is inevitable, The wars raged on.
Eons pass. Races appear, rise, and, fall, In the blink of a celestial eye. The masters rule, The beasts are enslaved, And wars start and end: Death will always be hungry. Death does not discriminate. Eons pass again. The earth lies still, An empty, shattered shell, No life to be seen. Stillness pervades the twisted wreckage, Broken bunker complexes, Ravaged landscapes, And ruined cities. The wars have ended. Forever.
It took around 2 weeks of spontaneous 5-minute writing sprees. A lot of this was inspired by Philip Reeve's Mortal Engines Quartet, a tragic story taking place on Earth several thousand years after a nuclear war. Walter M. Miller, Jr.'s A Canticle for Leibowitz also inspired me to write this.
Sure. As a relative newbie, even a crit from a non-connoisseur is greatly appreciated.
For the record, I intended this post in no way, shape, or form to mean that you're not a connoisseur, or insult your connoisseurship. Just to clear up the misunderstanding, no hard feelings, I hope.
It's the lyrics to the three main songs from Pink Floyd's album Animals. I use a lot of song lyrics, mostly from Pink Floyd and Modest Mouse, to occupy my about.
Me? Quite a lot, I'm afraid. I'm only 13, but I've been writing poetry since I was about 9 and I have written tons of poems. I've placed first in our here poetry contest more than anyone else () though one of them was changed afterward because you can't win twice in a row.
Second of all, I'm going stanza-by-stanza cuz that's how I roll.
Stanza 1
Forgotten , lost in time Blood painting the ground red. But no name in remembered, Screams echoing in forgotten tales. Unnamed by history, The soldier lives, fights and dies, The words 'honorable death' Thrust upon his lifeless corpse; But he has died for nothing. Lost in the whirlwind of life, war, and death; While the wars rage on.
This stanza is a bit lacking in meter in some places, especially during the beginning. It's not a major problem, really, but it should be considered if you ever choose to revise it. The 5th line seems one or two syllables short, which slightly upsets the flow of the 6th line during reading. What I really like here is that the figurative language does just enough implying the theme of the poem that it gives a really great feel for the rest of the piece and gets the ball rolling, so to speak, and starts to reveal a sort of somber and really genuine emotion in the poem.
Stanza 2
With hellish machines So many die; With hellish machines They rise again: Steel monsters, only risen to kill. Heartless, merciless, and invincible, The strongest of men fall, screaming, Into the outstretched arms of Death, While the death-grinning dead march on. War is Hell. But the wars raged on.
This is a good time to start describing everything else, and this delivers. The word 'rise' is used consecutively in the 4th and 5th line, which feels a bit repetitive. The 2nd-to-last and last lines seem short at first glance, but I was surprised at how it still worked pretty well.
Stanza 3
Anarchy rules the earth, Fire flowing from his opened maw, Sending every trace of humanity Tumbling into the outstretched arms of Death. Maybe it will end someday, Or maybe some survived. But while the races will live, And the races will die, The wars will rage on.
Who's opened maw? This needs to be explained in-poem or it leaves an open end that seems kinda important. I really love the flow in this stanza, and it really genuinely conveys a sort of war-weary anguish that seems prevalent throughout the poem.
Stanza 4
Much time passes. Recovery is slow, But finally civilization has returned, All traces of the demonic and powerful Ancients Have disappeared. The ones who walk the earth now are not human Nor are they animals. Neither man nor beast, They rebuilt everything The Ancients destroyed. But, as it is inevitable, The wars raged on.
A good bit of storytelling, all that I'm wondering about is the comma after the 'but' in the 2nd-to-last line, which somewhat disrupts the flow of the line as a whole.
Stanza 5
Eons pass. Races appear, rise, and, fall, In the blink of a celestial eye. The masters rule, The beasts are enslaved, And wars start and end: Death will always be hungry. Death does not discriminate. Eons pass again. The earth lies still, An empty, shattered shell, No life to be seen. Stillness pervades the twisted wreckage, Broken bunker complexes, Ravaged landscapes, And ruined cities. The wars have ended. Forever.
This really sticks the deal and gives a great finish to the poem. It's sad, it's lamenting, it's bitter, and it's really truthful without being pretentious. The slight meter problem returns from the first stanza, though, which somewhat softens the impact of the message.
Overall, this poem was really good. I liked the message, I like the emotional tones, and overall it really had a good flavor to it. It does have a few technical gripes, especially in the meter department. This is a problem that is thin but affects every aspect of the poem in a slight way, so you may need to rebalance it a bit so it all shines through a bit more.
Thanks for the crit! I never was much good at meter, so I'll be working on that.
Who's opened maw? This needs to be explained in-poem or it leaves an open end that seems kinda important.
Anarchy is personified in the first line as ruling the earth, so I thought it would be clear that Anarchy was spewing fire. Evidently not, so I'll be working on that too. Again, thanks a lot for the crit, and I'll probably have a revision done by the end of the week. (Honors classes take a toll on you.)
Anarchy is personified in the first line as ruling the earth, so I thought it would be clear that Anarchy was spewing fire. Evidently not, so I'll be working on that too.
Okay. The only problem is that most of the time, symbolism isn't processed during reading but after it. So be sure to heavily imply the personification of something if you're relying on cross-stanza personalization to stay true.
Welcome.
I kmow, I'm in all honors classes, as far as 7th grade can go :P
Okay. The only problem is that most of the time, symbolism isn't processed during reading but after it. So be sure to heavily imply the personification of something if you're relying on cross-stanza personalization to stay true.
Welcome.
I kmow, I'm in all honors classes, as far as 7th grade can go :P
At least you can write with grammar, most of the adults here can't even seem to do that.
