Alright, this is just an excerpt so I want to know if I'm on the right track. And before hand, sorry, I'm going to have to give some back-story first. Imagine just a normal world, the one we have now. (the book is based (in the middle) of June, 2012 (didn't mean that, it was just that the main character is 15 and he was 13 in 2009 (guess who the age is based off of)). Just instead, there are portals leading to other worlds, much like this one (Terra). Except that some of them are based with technology 15 years later. Hydra, is one such realm. Now imagine, that the world is over. Apocalypse. Total hell. That is where the story takes place. It is where the last story takes place.
Now here's the story:..... I grimaced at the bright white light in front of me. It was near blinding. My companions: Kate, John, and Dylan; were far behind me. I with all of my brilliant wisdom had to decide to run up to the front lines of the battle. Me and my lackluster intelligence were quite a pair. Then, a stalker (a pitch-black demon from Hell that looks sort of like a devil-dog that is about 4 feet tall) came out of behind me in an ambush. I quickly rounded behind me and sliced it in two with amazing speed thanks to my chainblade (a sword with a chainsaw blade at the end of it). I stared at the demon for a couple of seconds. This one looked different. It seemed to me as if it was human once. I didn't understand it. It looked perfectly normal. -well, however normal a demon from Hell whose only purpose was to eradicate all life from the world could look- I just couldn't put my finger on it. Suddenly, a ring of fire surrounded me as I heard a loud, booming laugh. One that could be heard for a near mile. It hurt my ears to listen to it. As I looked up to see who it was, I was surprised to see a human. There was nothing special about him except that he had a weird, demonic sword in his hand. "Drake, Drake. Finally we meet again," the guy called out; he looked no older than me! "Who are you?" I commanded in a half-surprised, half-scared tone. "You seriously don't know me?!?! What a pitty.... you do not even know your own friends." "Don't mince words! Who are you!?" "Me? Why! I am just a figment of your imagination!" And on that, he disappeared. Just like that! I looked around, the ring of fire now gone. I knew he was more than my imagination. I lost it years ago......
Describe the characters and setting in the story, or we forget about it. don't care, and we're confused ad extremely unimpressed with the depth of the setting and he character.
In-story, remember that.
Also, instead of explaining words like chainblade with parentheses, it's good to introduce stuff like that before you go into encounters and usage. You need an introduction to the story for it to feel natural, and you throw us right into the lore with not even the slightest idea what's going on.
I know... as I said, it was an excerpt and the time I had on a bit ago was extremely limited so I couldn't do the introduction.. sorry it was confusing. I'll put the introduction on tomorrow. And I had to do it at pretty much the top of my head seeing as all I had with me were notes, so I had to speedwrite which probably made it all-the-more confusin...
Meh, it's pretty good, I guess. Interesting concept. And your grammar is good, that's a definite plus in my book. But instead of using hyphens, you should use commas. And instead of telling us what the things are withiin parentheses, you should just describe as normal, or maybe have one of your characters say it, so it feels more natural. And you should change your vocabulary every now and then. Just about every sentence starts with the same few words, it starts getting boring and repetitive. And a bit stronger word choice and more descriptions couldn't hurt. Last but not least, try to have more character interaction, so you can get the feel of all the characters. The only mention of John, Kate, and Dylan are when you briefly talk about them in the beginning. If you plan to have them as major characters or even good supporting ones, then you should describe them and include them more. Also, don't forget to tell us about your main character as well. I mean, we didn't even know his name was Drake(or that he was even a boy) until the villain(I'm just guessing that opposite imagination dude is the villain) refers to him as Drake. I mean...you can do better than that, I think you have potential. You have a good idea and you have good grammar, and that's all you need. Just...use a few different words every now and then, and tell us what's happening. To give you an example of how it might be a little bit better, may I have permission to fix up your story a bit?
