ForumsArt, Music, and WritingLet's write a... The apprentice

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the_manta
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the_manta
4,535 posts
Peasant

Heeeey, just an idea I had a little while ago.

Now, this may be a bit like the short story contest, except it's not really a contest, so no pressure there. Of course, I suppose that lowers the amount of people who will want to join...

Whatever the case, this will be just like writing short little, oo, exercises, I suppose. No set word length, one or two paragraphs will do, but if you can make it long, great!

If you write a segment, I or someone else may critique your work, if you so want, but if you don't want to be critiqued, just say the word.

All of the rules of the Art, Music, Writing section apply; that means NO sex, NO excessive cursing, and NO excessively disturbing scenes.

There will be a theme every so often, so try to keep the piece pertaining to that theme.

This time, the theme is: Write a death scene. You know the type, an important or beloved character is on his deathbed, or laying on the ground mortally wounded, and another main character is talking to him, or the dying character is fighting with himself to stay alive, that sort of stuff.

Knowing the amount of writers we have on AG, I don't see this being too active, but you know.

So... hop to it!

  • 73 Replies
Moabarmorgamer
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Moabarmorgamer
8,570 posts
Nomad

South Park or Family Guy, knowing Armor Games. I bet the former.

Boo!
AIDS is finally funny!

Kudos.
Ernie15
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Ernie15
13,344 posts
Bard

AIDS is finally funny!


Has it ever not been? :P

Why has nobody judged my death scene yet?
Xzeno
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Xzeno
2,300 posts
Nomad

Why has nobody judged my death scene yet?
Didn't see your request.

I died. The end.
It brings nothing new to the table. Death has been established by context. Some stories say very little with very few words. This says very little with very few words. What kind of criticism did you expect?

Boo!
No? I figured I had it.
Xzeno
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Xzeno
2,300 posts
Nomad

Some stories say very little with very few words. This says very little with very few words.
Should read: Some stories say very much with very few words. This says very little with very few words.
Ernie15
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Ernie15
13,344 posts
Bard

This says very little with very few words.


How much is there to be said? Death is death, and nothing more.
Xzeno
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Xzeno
2,300 posts
Nomad

How much is there to be said? Death is death, and nothing more.
If you had said that, I might have given you more credit. As such, I think in the case of writing about the insignificance of death, more is more, ironically. Ironic irony: That's weird.
Parsat
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Parsat
2,180 posts
Blacksmith

I died. The end.


Entry #568 in the Amateur Writer's Handbook: Make your work really really short. When someone says that it's too short to carry any actual meaning and substance, accuse them of being an artistic Philistine. Rinse and repeat.
the_manta
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the_manta
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Peasant

@Kyouzou: Sure.

First off, it's fine, but there are some basic grammar mistakes; happens to the best up.

But, what's with this part?

distantly I realized they were my own.


It doesn't make much sense. Distantly? I'm not fully sure what you mean by that.

Not much else I can say though, I have awfully low standards, so I'd best let Xzeno take that one.

Speaking of which, Xzeno, could you take a crack at mine? I already know how cliche it is, but yeah, I don't mind criticism.
Kyouzou
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Kyouzou
5,061 posts
Jester

It doesn't make much sense. Distantly? I'm not fully sure what you mean by that.



err...I meant distantly as in vaguely like he realized the screams were his but it didn't really matter to him. A friend of mine who'd been an accident told me that when he was lying in the car he could hear him self crying out for help but none of it really registered so I ran with that idea. I hope that makes sense, and can you point out the grammar mistakes so I can fix them next time around.
Xzeno
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Xzeno
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Nomad

I don't mind criticism.
Good:

They were in that classic scenario of the only survivors after a terrible plane wreck in a barren snowfield.
I wouldn't lampshade that if I were writing something serious. Pointing out cliches rarely makes them less cliched. Here, it just disrupts the flow of the story.

I do like the in media res story telling, but your exposition wasn't smoothly integrated into the rest of the story.

The duologue leaves a bit to be desired. To me, the lack of descriptive text ("he said", "she mumbled", etc.) makes it feel a bit wooden.

Your two biggest issues right now are lack of flow and and overwhelming feeling of "But what else?" Some people died in the snow. What does this do for me? Not much. It's a death scene sure, but it lacks fresh ideas. So yes, it's a little cliched, and the cliche is hurting you.

so I'd best let Xzeno take that one.
I will if he asks me to. 'til then, I'm working on mine.
whimsyboy
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whimsyboy
938 posts
Nomad

This one is a bit random.
@ Xzeno, please criticize this and my other work.
I call this Last Desperate Attempt
______________________________
Kuria shot gracefully into the jetstream. He welcomed the warm, friendly current, even in his riskiest moment. He looked above. There were still three cruisers adjacent to him, each with deadeye crossbowman on the port bow. He looked into the depths. The reef was beautiful; a vibrant explosion of colors flashed in his eyes. There were many coral caves he could hide in, but they would be easily shattered by their mines. The rocky outlet was quickly approaching, and he would have to dive under the cruisers to get past, which would obviously spell death. His options were running out. He decided to turn back and head to a shale cave he knew of about a half mile back.
He quickly jutted back and dove into deeper water. He was thrown into the quicker, colder current and launched forward. The familiar blasting sound echoed in his mind, leaving him barely able to think. He carefully bent his head sideways, careful not to let it loose and snap his neck. The cruisers were amazingly keeping up with him, slightly gaining a few hundred feet back. The cave was coming up on his right. He took long strides and pushed out, twirling down and into the cave. He finally got inside, and pulled himself up on the rock. His gills close and he started breathing, and he sat down to rest.
After several minutes, he was about to go out and check the waters for more of them, when he saw a faint but powerful light in the water. He put his head in, and saw a strange man-shaped suit with an electric light inside. He knew Camao's wizards were cunning, but this was ridiculously clever. Suddenly, the "man" raised his arm. Kuria was confused; what type of weapon could shoot successfully-let alone fatally-underwater? He decided he wasn't going to wait to find out, he already learned that they were capable of unthinkable, in more ways than one could imagine. He climbed up on a rocky ledge, and as he crouched down behind a rock, giant bubbles followed by the suit surfaced. The dome of glass opened, and steam billowed out. Kuria still had a few dozen power charges left, and he readied his mind. An extremely large man came out, fully armored in the newest of Camao's gear. Including a charge stunner, which wiped any charges Kuria had left. He realized that he would have to fight hand-to-hand, so he jumped up and used one mana blast on the man's weapons. It shattered, and his sidearm was blown into the water. The man immediately used his helmet to swipe Kuria's power charges, and Kuria felt it seconds after. Nontheless, he jumped down and clumsily made his webbed fingers into fists. He hated doing this with his hands, they were used to being open, ready to fire off a charge. He and his opponent locked eyes.
The man was the first to strike. He heaved his massive fist forward, and Kuria immediately grabbed his upper arm and shoulder and heaved back for all he was worth. The man stumbled and his helmet hit a rock, shattering the glass and cracking the metal down the center. He took it off and tossed it into the ocean. This foe was no ordinary man, he is a class 4 berserker, and from his face he had definitely been enchanted. His mission was only to find and kill Kuria. Kuria new this was probably the end of him. Non the less, he made fists again, and started a flurry of punches. His hands and muscles were small, but they were extremely powerful, and he left his foe dazed. As soon as he came to, he reached for Kuria's neck. Kuria quickly dodged. This man was powerful, but he was surely clumsy. Kuria new he couldn't keep this up forever, as these berserkers would soon learn their opponent's advantages and crush them. Kuria glanced into the water, and saw a line of more of those suits and lights. He knew he would be killed either way. The man finally caught him offguard and delivered a powerful uppercut right into Kuria's jaw. He stumbled to the right, seeing stars. Then he came to and saw the berserker charging forth. He dove between his legs and extended the claw of his index finger. He turned and quickly stabbed his opponent in the lower back. He roared in pain, then turned around and stared Kuria in the face. His eyes shone red with rage, and he roared as he grabbed Kuria by the neck. This time he was not quick enough, He gripped the mans arm, but it was no use. The berserker tossed him at the stone wall as if he were a sack of flour. Kuria could not find himself to stand, so the berserker helped him up by the neck. He held him against the wall and started punching. Kuria saw his blood and teeth flying left and right, and soon his vision was very blurry. Sound diminished, and all he heard was the sound of the ocean calling him back from where he came. In between hits, he murmured, "I will return, mother."
Finally, the berserker held Kuria towards the water and punched him in the gut into the air above the water. The last thing Kuria saw was a fish. Not a colorful fish, not a bland fish. It was just a regular fish. Time slowed down, and the fish seemed to look at him and smile, if that was how fish smiled. Kuria smiled too, then fell into the water and was impaled through the torso and head by the bolts of a crossbow.
It was finally finished. Camao had defeated the last of the guardians, leaving no one else in his path.

Kyouzou
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Kyouzou
5,061 posts
Jester

@Xzeno mind judging mine please?

Xzeno
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Xzeno
2,300 posts
Nomad

@ Xzeno, please criticize this and my other work.
I'll do this one, then Kyouzou's, then your other one.

Your biggest issues are grammar and syntax. Your story sort of stumbles along with plenty of akward phrases. This is especially prevalent in the descriptive text and action. My suggestion: Revision. Write, rewrite, proofread, ect. at least a few times. It helps to write, take a break (maybe a day or so) and then rewrite. It's a lot of work, I know, but it really helps.

As far as the story itself goes, you drop a lot of sci-fi terms left unexplained. While this is acceptable, it's a fine line to walk. It can often leave the reader feeling as though he has missed something. As such, none of these terms have any context. Dropping me into the middle of something is fine, as long as context is forthcoming. Without context, I cannot forge an emotional or logical connection with the characters or events.

Is this part of a larger work, perhaps?
Moabarmorgamer
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Moabarmorgamer
8,570 posts
Nomad

I've already asked, but can someone please critique mine?

Xzeno
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Xzeno
2,300 posts
Nomad

I've already asked, but can someone please critique mine?
Sure, after this one:

Fire raged all around me, it seemed as if the world its self was aflame.
You asked Manta about the grammar issues, so: The comma is inappropriate there. A semi-colon would be better because those are two independent clauses. You may want to think about rephrasing so that a comma would be appropriate, though. Anyway, nice into. It gets attention.

I could hear screams, distantly I realized they were my own.
I understand what you're saying now that you've explained it, but you should rephrase it to get your point across more clearly. I do like the concept here, but the implementation needs work.

Soon the burning pain developed into a cool sensation as I collapsed into Death's embrace.
I'm not sure I like the word developed here. It sounds to me like the pain is... well, developing, where as I think one sensation would replace another. I would change it, but that's more personal preference than anything else.

Once again, I was sort of left wanting more. You had a strong introduction, but you skipped right to the end.
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