The Fanta Axe is the most power full weapon on the Fantive If it were to fall into the wrong hands... it wouldn't be pretty. In the dusk of Fantive a storm was brewing. This storm was bad. Very bad. Not just lighting and rain. Thwe lighting was made of darkness. The rain was blood. "This storm is weird," explained Marcy. "People are saying it is that the Fanta Axe was been stolen," said Mark. "Mark Roder dont even joke about that!" yell Marcy. "Wow can't take a joke." "No I can't." "Just watch," said Mark with a smurk. The ground started to shake. Once the Fanta Axe is stole the weather goes out of controll. Yells came from everywhere. "Marcy come with me," mark said comely. What are you crazy. We need to get to safety," Yelled Marcy. "Just come." Read more on my website. http://frozenfire12.webs.com/
Hmm, I'd recommend stretching your paragraphs a little longer by padding or detail. Something that you'll really want to do is explain what Fantive is, etc. I generally open with a backstory so I don't have to drop exposition (backstory) bombs in my stories.
I also recommend upping the diction (level of formality) in the story as well. For instance3: "... it wouldn't be pretty", instead, "it could cause calamities of blah blah blah..."
Also, try and make dialogue longer as well, and let the characters talk as they normally would: "Jeez, this storm is getting pretty rough. It's weird." "People are saying that the <adjective> Fanta Axe has* been stolen" "Don't even joke about that!" etc.
It also sounds very random. Like, the Fanta Axe just suddenly disappears and stuff happens. You should show the things that happen before this. Depict a peaceful and beautiful land, and then the taking of the Fanta Axe. I also recommend that when the first bit of speech for a character comes in, you should explain what the character looks like etc.
What on earth is the Fanta Axe? Like is it a bunch of Fanta bottles stuck together to form some kind of axe?
Also, try and add more information to what people are trying to do - for example Mark is telling Marcy to go somewhere, but all we are told is that it is not to safety, something like:
"Marcy come with me," mark said comelyheading off towards the point where the storm looked at its worst.
This gives you a bit more information and then helps the reader know why exactly Marcy thinks Mark is crazy. Of couse the italicised bit is just randomness from me.
When you are writing a story remember that the reader doesnt know what you are thinking about when they read it.
