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Asians, one of the Seven Wonders Of The Ancient World. No one is quite sure of their origins, but that doesn't bother us greatly. What bothers us is the fact that they're overrunning our country and taking what is rightfully ours. Jobs, admission spots in a school of our choosing, seats in our desired class, our women, the list goes on. Now, living in one of the most immigrant laden cities in North America I must face Asians every day. I have therefore decided to put together a little guide to help all of you out. Presenting...

Asians: A Comprehensive Guide
By Tony Alesalt

In this first installment I will be discussing the different type of Asians that you will encounter throughout your daily life. They could be anywhere, at your school, at your job, in your bed, who knows!

Your friend, the Asian
Now, this type of Asian is the nicest of all. These are the Asians that genuinely your friends and who you hang out with outside of school/work. They are unfortunately also the rarest. You see, what makes these Asians cool, and like you, is the fact that they're Twinkies (Yellow on the outside, white on the inside). They didn't move here to come to school. They were born here and there is a significant chance that they have never even visited their parents homeland, let alone speak their native language. This is the only type of Asian you will ever meet that will fail a class. Actually, this is the only Asian that will get lower than an A in any class (English notwithstanding). They're pretty cool guys and good fun to just hang out with.

Your colleague, the Asian
These are the most common type of Asian. They moved here for schooling and will most likely move back when they're done. They do not speak English as a first language, however they are quite good at it. Better than some people who know no other language. This of course varies from person to person. They are your typical overachiever, who is there do do one thing and one thing only, to get good grades. They rarely let insignificant things such as friends, or a life, get in their way. Despite this, they're usually pretty nice people who are willing to help you with work you don't understand. Some are a little more stuck up than others, and can be somewhat irritating. This group really depends on the individual.

Your inferior, the Asian
This is the worst kind of Asian, and they stem off of the second group of Asians. Unlike Group 2 Asians, these Asians never bothered to learn English and believe you all to be no better than rodents. They refuse to speak English and usually just talk to each other, much to the dislike of your teachers, who they also ignore. These Asians are much more independent than their English speaking counterparts. A significant amount of them skip class and take up smoking and drinking. Some extremists will also go out of their way to fail classes, most likely to get back at their parents. Avoid these Asians at all costs. They soil the name of otherwise decent Asians, and will probably have their gang beat you down if you look at them wrong.

Now, while there are certain types of Asian hybrids, the majority of them will fall more or less in to one of these three categories. If you wish you may print off a copy of this, in order to tell what type of Asian you may be dealing with in any given situation. I will make a sheet highlighting telltale signs of each group of Asian, so you can make a quick assessment before anything has transpired.