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This is a piece from a story that I wrote a long time ago, but I still don't have a name for it yet. I hope you enjoy! Constructive critisism is always appreciated. I'll post this story chapter by chapter, probably every few days or so.
"Everybody on the floor!â one of the robbers screamed as he fired a shot into the nearest surveillance camera. The bankâs guard dropped his gun on the floor and held up his hands. One of the customers let out a shrill scream and fainted. The bank manager hid under his desk and pressed the emergency button mounted under the drawer. People began to rush for the door when another robber fired an automatic rifle over their heads.
âEverybody on the floor now, or die!â the other robber shouted, in a deep powerful voice. âI donât wanna kill any of youse, but believe me I will!â he snarled, giving away his New York accent. All of the customers dropped on the floor. A puddle of urine flowed across the floor from under a terrified old man, who was shaking uncontrollably. Sirens wailed in the distance as police cars approached the crime scene.
âWeâre gonna have company, real soon!â hollered the guy with the automatic rifle to the other thieves.
The criminals seemed unconcerned as the police surrounded the building. They were busy watching their hostages and scooping cash from the cash drawers behind the teller line. The police called to the robbers on a megaphone; âWe have you surrounded, send out your hostages and give up Now!â
The door to the bank opened, all of the police pointed their guns as an attractive young woman emerged. She was visibly terrified and crying. Directly behind her pointing a gun to her head was one of the criminals, using the woman as a shield. âLetâs not get too excited here,â he called out in a loud but calm voice. âWe donât want to kill any of these nice people here, so why donât you all just go home now.â The robber jerked the woman back through the door and started to laugh hysterically. The door opened again, just a crack and a paper weight wrapped in hundred dollar bills came flying out toward the police. One of the officers ran up and grabbed it. He jumped back behind the protection of his squad car.
Inside the hundred dollar bills, was a note; it said: If you even start to enter the bank, we will kill everyone, including you, police.
The hostages could hear a grinding sound, coming through the floor. The thieves all looked at each other with knowing glances. Their leader began to cackle like a maniac, all of the criminals broke out in spontaneous laughter. âPlease just let me go!â the young woman pleaded to the robber who still held her arm tightly.â
âYouâre coming with us girly, we need a hostage,â the man said in a rough voice. âNow, come on boys were going to empty the vault.â One of the bandits jerked the bank manager out from under his desk. âCome on you, we need someone that can lock us in the vault.â
They all stepped into the vault, except for the branch manager. âNow you close and lock that door, or we kill this pretty girl. You wouldnât want that on your conscience, would you? The leader said in a menacing voice. The door shut with a solid clang and the crooks inside all heard the vault bolts close.
âGood job boys!â the young woman said in a quiet voice. âYou can all take off your masks now, were among friends.â The grinding sound suddenly stopped and was replaced by a series of muffled popping sounds. The floor in the middle of the vault began to fall away. âWeâve got about 20 minutes before they can open that vault, so grab all of the cash in here and lets get moving.â The young woman ordered. It suddenly became evident who the leader of this gang really was.
- 37 Replies
Thanks. Sorry again about the typos, this is my second draft version, and it was on a word document so some of the words didn't come out right. With that "a??" thing or whatever it is.
You're supposed to upload it from Notepad, so the symbols won't show up.
About your story: I've seen better. But this one is pretty good so far.
Well I know it's not that good. But it's the first chapter, so it's not exactly the best. It's just introducing the story.
[/quote]I thought it was pretty great. I can guess what the underground noise was though. I'm guessing it was an underground drill.
its actually not that bad of a story. im actually kinda interested in it. keep up the good work!
Pretty good. Sounds like it's based on the GTA IV mission where they rob the bank but anyway it's good.
SOunds good, but it must be a short story cause you just introduced a huge twist lol
Lol. Actually it's not. Hey Panzer tank if you know, don't tell anyone! There was a huge twist at the end, and it gets a lot better
Alright, this is Chapter 2. I hope you like it!
Chapter 2
The Sewer
The police were all heavily armed and wearing flak jackets as the bank officials finally finished the procedures to open the vault door. It took 20 long minutes after an emergency closure to re-open the vault. George Anderson, the detective in charge of investigating bank robberies, ordered the bank officials safely away from the vault before they could open the door. It was very likely this would end in a gun battle. The vault door opened a few inches and George called in, "Put down your weapons, there is no way out!" It was dark in the vault and a strong sewer smell came pouring out of the opening. Suddenly it occurred to the police that the vault was empty. George shined his light into the vault and there were papers and deposit boxes open everywhere, but no robbers. They shined their lights onto the floor and in the middle of the vault was a two foot diameter hole.
"First National Bank, is being robbed across town. They have a hostage situation," an excited voice shouted from behind where all of the police were standing.
George Anderson turned and saw a street officer running in toward them. "What the..." George exclaimed, he was speechless.
That evening the police chief of Los Angeles was holding a press conference. "We have been caught off guard today. Three banks were cleaned out by a well-armed and organized gang of criminals. They were a step ahead of our police department all of the time. They fled into the sewers after each robbery. We need the help of the good people of Los Angeles to catch these thieves. If any of you have any information, please call our offices and tell us anything suspicious, you have observed. The press called them, "The Gopher Gang."
Sarah Barron watched the news intently. The chief of police made his plea to the public for help, then the news showed the security tapes over and over on every channel. She turned to her gang and pulled off her long wig and took out her colored contact lenses. "I really looked helpless out there today, didn't I?" She stood in front of her gang with hands on her hips. Her blazing red hair and intense green eyes, showed not a hint of helpless demeanor now. "We all lay low until next month when we meet for our next job, boys. Stick to the plan and we will have a great run and plenty of money to live out our lives like kings, or in my case, a queen."
The room rocked with loud laughter as everyone celebrated their success. "I'm going back to New York for a month," Billy shouted over the ruckus. "It's not safe in this part of town, too much crime!" The gang roared with laughter. But Billy wasn't kidding.
The hideout was in East L.A. in an industrial warehouse complex. The gang had van trucks with all of their construction equipment and ATV's parked inside the warehouse. Outside, the walls were covered with graffiti and the doors and windows were padlocked and barred to keep intruders out. This area was so dangerous, that the police were afraid to venture in after dark. Gang violence was rampant and drive-by shootings were a daily occurrence. This part of L.A. was like a war zone.
I like it, a lot!
Could you repost the first chapter without the typos?
Yea I am. It has four chapters if I'm correct, and I think it's my best story personally.
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