ForumsArt, Music, and Writing[necro] Rate My Essay Please :D

11 2010
wakabakawaka
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wakabakawaka
51 posts
Peasant

Hello! I have an essay that is due in a few days and I just wanted some unbiased general feedback on it. It's a descriptive essay and can only be two and a half pages max double spaced. So! Give me your opinions please and what you liked or did not like. All tips are welcome! Thank you


A thin yellow beam of light shot thought the broken shades of a window, piercing the darkness within the room. For a few moments, the room lay silent, absorbed in its own tranquility. Suddenly, the blaring of and alarm clock shattered the peace and immediately movement occurred. The groaning of a sleepy boy was heard as he slowly left the comfort of his warm bed to make his journey to the window. Scuffing of tin cans and paper could be heard as they where shuffled on the floor with every heavy stomp.
As the window blind was drawn in a clumsy fashion, a crisp view of the rectangular room was seen. The entirety of the surrounding area could be summed up as a total wreck; papers and garbage alike where scattered amongst clothes and old cans, almost consuming the entire faded hardwood floor. There were only four main stations that rested in the room. Along side the long left wall lay a thick Sony television set with a certain degree of damage upon the sides and screen. A towering mahogany dresser that stood by the far left wall of the room contained a assortment of treasures and trophies. And the middle of the long right wall was an old sturdy bunk bed made of cherry, in which the bottom was inhabited by the boy, and the top squarely tucked in with crisp sheets. At the foot of the bed lay a giant wooden desk, covered in various papers and hosting a white laptop. And on the far right wall laid an average white bookcase, crammed full of magazines and graphic novels rather than books. The tattered tan walls were cluttered with old memories and numerous dusty photos of the boys youth, along side a large orange and black jersey with an âAâ sewn over the left breast, hovering above the bookcase. Papers were posted on the varnished door across from the bed that read âGive It Your All!â and âEarn Your Colors!â, and a humongous portrait of a single, smiling child stood planted to the wall over the bed.
Hockey seemed to dominate the boyâs life, as old goalie gear and sticks of all heights and conditions where cast into separate areas of the room. Of the three shelves, the bottom two contained a collection of aging hand equipment in the boyâs sport. Some where used to the point of destruction, with a barrage of puck marks on the many catching gloves and blockers, proving their worth from the countless tours of duty. Some lay untouched, with instead a single signature written in black laying on the broad-most part of the equipment. But on the highest part of the dresser, almost touching the white ceiling, were five identical plaques with marble finish.
Upon these plaques contained a single picture in the top right corner of the youth in his armor, stance ready in between the pipes of a hockey goal. To the left of the single shot the boyâs name was inscribed, reading âLance Shards. Position - Goaltenderâ in sly bold lettering. Taking up the bottom half of the plaque was a team picture with every member being crunched into the center of the photo, trying to fit. If looking from afar at these plaques, one would think that they where all mirror images looking so alike. However, the pictures showed the growth of the boy from left to right and almost reached into adulthood. Like all of the other photographs that dwelled in the room, they were covered in dust due to the lack of general upkeep. But out of all of the captured memories, one lay without a spec of dust, almost as if a shield had prevented any particles from reaching the wooden finish.
The only photo that was left unharmed by the dust was the portrait of a boy dwelling above the bed. Captured inside the broad dark cherry frame was a single, smiling child, looking similar to the boy in the plaques. He was about four feet of height, with neat tan shorts and a ruffled brown shirt. Sitting barefoot on a grass hillside with legs outstretched, he had a look of innocence upon his face that his large amber eyes and scruffy brown hair only added to. But what defined the picture was the broad toothless smile that rested on the youthâs face, bolstering the warmth that was emitted from the photograph. A strip of bronze metal lay at the frame, with an inscription that read âIsaac Shards. 1991-1997â. Out of all of the objects that rested in the room, out of all of the memories and treasures that covered the shelves and walls, the portrait of the boy was the most precious. This was the room of the Shards boys.

  • 11 Replies
wakabakawaka
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wakabakawaka
51 posts
Peasant

Smeggin' blocks! Please ignore the random blocks that appear in the text, apparently when I transfer the document from Word to this, the apostrophes transform into blocks and a weird 'a'. So just read the text with an ' and all is well lol

halogunner
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halogunner
808 posts
Peasant

pretty good

KingLemon
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KingLemon
600 posts
Constable

Great use of imagery!
Do you have a title for it?

XXAlienGirlXX
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XXAlienGirlXX
811 posts
Peasant

I thought that It was great, but you have some errors and some of the description was a bit tedious. Although you also sound like a professional author.

Parsat
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Parsat
2,184 posts
King

waka: Use Notepad, but save it first and change the encoding to "Unicode". When you copy and paste that it won't mess up.

wakabakawaka
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wakabakawaka
51 posts
Peasant

Why thank you Lemonking! Oh it is called "The Room".
And you too AlienGirl! So in parts of it you just kinda lost interest in beacause of excess description? What where some errors?

wakabakawaka
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wakabakawaka
51 posts
Peasant

Score! No more boxes now. Thanks dude

Oblivior
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Oblivior
787 posts
Peasant

It was pretty good, although there are some grammatical and spelling errors, a few punctuations missing here and there. But overall, it was okay.

aknerd
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aknerd
1,418 posts
Shepherd

Well, I can give you some writing tips I guess. Not that you are a bad writer or anything, just a few things that might punch it up a little.

Passive sentences are kind of awkward.

For instance:

The groaning of a sleepy boy was heard


It doesn't really sound that great, does it? Flipping it around a little makes it come off more smoothly:

The sleepy boy groaned

Note that this also cuts the length in half.

The next line is also passive:
Scuffing of tin cans and paper could be heard


However, this doesn't have to be changed to the active tense. I think if you change the previous one, this one can stay passive if you want it to. But having two heavily passive sentences in a row is... boring.

And then the next three sentences are also passive. Instead of just directly converting some/all of them into the active tense, I would just play around with phrasing a little until it sounds better. Maybe delete some descriptors, maybe add some others in, whatever. But the way you have it now is a little too sluggish.

I mean, definitely do not make ALL the sentences active, because that would ruin the "sleepy" tone of the story. But right now you just have way too many "could be seen"s and "was heard"s.

On a more positive note:

I'm glad the story had a point. I was terribly worried that it would just be a description of a boy's room, but at the end you made it worth reading. So that's good. But one thing:

Out of all of the objects that rested in the room, out of all of the memories and treasures that covered the shelves and walls, the portrait of the boy was the most precious.


The dust thing (or rather lack of dust) makes the bold part redundant. The reader already knows that the picture is precious, blatantly stating so just insults the reader. You put all this effort into implying a complex concept without saying anything directly, so why go and spoil everything at the end?

My suggestion for an alternate ending: go back to the boy (the one waking up). Have him do something that shows how he has dealt with his brother's death (that is what this is about, right?). But of course, it is your story and you can do whatever you want with it.
wakabakawaka
offline
wakabakawaka
51 posts
Peasant

Wow. That is by far the most help I've ever gotten on this site. This makes me so happy Thanks so much aknerd! With all of this advice, I can really go to town on this thing. Schweet lol.

andrewper
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andrewper
2 posts
Peasant

This is a good essay in my opinion, but I was always wondering: how does plagiarism essay testing tools work? Probably they should have discovered that you published your essay on this forum.
Tell us, did your essay like the teacher and were there any problems with plagiarism?

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