I'm currently going through a divorce. I have 2 daughters 6 and 4. I would like to avoid problems that other parents may have made. I know that my kids are probably younger than the average age of users, but I hope you may all be able to add your positive and negative experiences to my rather lacking understanding of a kids point of view.
So do try and stay on top of your childrens lives. Go to the events, stay current with what theyre doing and be sure to keep yourself in their lives, as much as you are able.
*But don't intrude. Make sure your welcome there and the kids want you there.
I just had a tear jerking day the other day and wanted to get some input from how a kid sees it.
If they've ever seen you cry before, they'd think that it would be from reasons related to them.
Personally, I think things started rolling towards a divorce at the perfectly terrible time to get a divorce. I always believe the best time is to get one when they won't have any memory of it. I.E. from 1-3 years old. That way they can't really understand how to blame, and they know it's not their fault. Then there's always when they're teenagers. That way, they can tell WHY you're getting a divorce and better understand the situation.
But I guess that's more or less irrelevant, isn't it?
I can't say anything over the course of law, but I can say that you should make it perfectly clear that this is <i>not their fault.</i> When I saw the coming and going of my father after the divorce (when I was 1), I constantly thought that the divorce was my fault. I know now that that is complete and total bull. HOWEVER, when I was a young'un (about 6-8), I couldn't understand why my mother and father were fighting and breaking up, so I pinned it on something I must have done.
I do hope that you feel better though. It is incredibly rough being a single mother. I can't even imagine having 2 kids, either.
Everyone has given such great answers, I can only suggest one thing for you. After enough time, you and their mother should really try to build a friendship and set down some ground rules early. It's really a matter of when you guys fight, keep it fair. This will help the children.
At this point, your children are the most important thing. And try to settle as much as you can OUTSIDE of court.
Good luck to you. I'm very sorry to hear things did not end well, but sometimes good things can blossom from situations like this.
Thank You very much to all who have posted. I'd have to make so many quotes from you all that it would take up more space than I'd like to use at the moment. My ex and I never really fought all that often, and we don't fight at all now. The reasons for our divorce are many fold, but we are still friends. Our first concern is for the kids. When my oldest asked why we were getting divorced I explained the truth about it. I avoided using the word love, because at this point in their lives I didn't want them thinking love was something that could be easily lost. I told them the truth to a certain extent. I did not acknowledge the tear jerking experience until after I had dropped them off at their mother's. I can't remember if I've ever cried in front of my kids or not, but I would not try to hide it. I would try to explain it as bet I could relating it back to something they know. I avoid saying things like "I Still Love You" . I don't want them hearing the word "still" in that kind of connotation. I don't want them thinking that they have done something wrong.
Follow up question. What are your thoughts on asking them if they think it was their fault? To me that would lend credence to them thinking it might have been their fault. I've never considered it before. It just came to me after reading your comments.
My parents are also Divorced.I live with my mom.My mom and dad still see eachother but not like Wife and husband but like "Friends". Its not a real biggy for me.The positive side is that they wont fight with eachother(Useally) but the negetive thing is that your Dad/Mom isnt around you anymore that much.Its for some kids sad but for some kids not.This is my opinion.
Well the only thing that bothered me is my parents moaning about each other to me, i was basically a middle man, cos they wouldn't speak to each other, basically just leave your kids out of it completely and talk to each other about it, then act normal around them, there's nothing else to it i don't think.
i dont think its a good idea to ask that question. it might make the children try to think about a reason why it actually COULD be their fault. good luck
Well, I went through a divorce of my parents, too. Just a couple of years ago. It was one of the best moments in my life, because I totally hate my father.
But to the topic: How much do your daughters like your spouse ? If they like him/her, they don't wanna loose him/her. So keep contact straight and allow your kids to visit him/her. If your kids start crying, solace them with good words. Tell them that it's the best for their parents, but they can keep contact to both parents. The worst thing you can do: Disallow your kids to chooce where they may live.
If your kids don't like your spouse, the divorce is much easier, but thats self explanatory. Keep in mind: Even if your spouse is a "expletive here", make sure your kids may visit your spouse. They will learn over time that the spouse is a "still no expletive =)" and thank you that you divorced him/her.
I say him/her because I don't know if you're the male or female spouse
You have an disadvantage, because your kids are really young. They will not be able to understand you that fast. Even if your kids don't want to continue living with you, don't be sad. You should make sure you may see your kids regulary, like every weekend or something.
I hope I could help. The divorcing of my parents wasn't a bad thing for me, so understanding how it is to think that the divorce is bad is nearly impossible for me. Though I've taught myself those thing which I've written here. Best regards, PrideRage
Well my parents divorced when i was 5, and growing up i didn't really notice until around 9, I rarely saw my dad, which by 12 or so i really felt left out, seeing everyone else's fathers.by 13 as i understood things more, This developed to more of a silent malice against my father, since at the time we were in a very bad spot as far as financial. then a year later a quite unfortunate event happened, and suddenly i'm living with my dad. only THEN did i even learn about the child support and all the other unknowns that i was still too young to comprehend beforehand, and to present i live with my father.
well here's my input: 1. Keep in touch with your kids. If not, the aforementioned can happen, and it really is a bad feeling to have. 2. For visitation, i would say don't do it TOO frequently to the point it is a burden or annoyance. 3. As far as your spouse, try to keep the relationship you have ( at the current level). It's fine if you aren't able to visit for A and X, but if it happens too much (not able to), confront your spouse about it. Your children care about you nonetheless, and if it really deteriorates, go to court with it.
And as aforementioned, Try to do most of your settlements outside of court.
well my dad never pays child support and keeps moving everytime he stops paying so we cant find him to put him in jail and i havent seen him in a long time
1.That's too bad D: 2.My parents never divorced so I really don't have any experience (srry) I would say just don't fight in front of them, because that's probably one of the worst things you could do
Well, mine are, and let me tell you...haha It isn't a fun thing for ANYONE. First, don't blame yourself, or your ex. that won't help anything. You just weren't meant to be together. (true or not, tell your self this, it will help)
My parents got divorced when I was five, and I still remember pressing into the space between my brother and sister (who I no longer get along wtih due to the divorce) in the dark hallway listening to my parents fight in the kitchen. Not a fun thing for kids to hear. I'm not sure what really happened, and I'm still not. Don't leave your kids in the dark. I have gone through every thing in my head at least once or twice, and it's not a nice thing to think what may have casued to people to fall out of love. But I digress, as I lay there, I remember some....nice, things people yelled, along with some things being thrown, and a punch on both partys part. My dad left then, and my mom sat and cried untill morning. We didn't know what happened untill we moved. My mom got custody of me 5, brother 7, and sister 9, as is customary. My mom didn't remarry though has been in many relationshis since. My dad remarried, and had a somewhat large family, so he never came around. I learned my dad was terrilbe from mom, and when I started hanging out with him, he wasn't. He's the best. He moved closer now that he divorced again, and we hang out alot, and I'm often happier then I am at home. My mom would often refer to him as "*ucker" Or "*sshole" so I got mad one day and raged. She hit me. Not a good reaction to give your kid. My siblings like my mother better, and well, it's torn the whole family apart due to actions taken by both sides.
My parents got divorced about 4 years ago. It was a really difficult time for me. The most important thing is to never fight in front of your children. Also, just tell them what's happening. Don't let them wonder about things. I'm sorry that your family has to go through this difficult process. Just remember, time heals all wounds.
