Well, if you know me, then you know that this would be my third thread for my writings. If you don't know me, as in your a new(er) user, than this is my third thread for my writings. This is a fairly akward situation, so I feel the need to explain:
I am making this final thread (and yes, final), because I realised something during my Hiatus. When I 'quit' AG, I was fairly discusted with my works. I absolutely loathed them. And after a while, I realized something: that it didn't matter. Who cares what I thought about them. What matters is what OTHERs think about them. I wouldn't be able to grow as a writer if my angst over my own works led people to assume that they WERE bad.
While some of them genuinely reeked, there were others that were genuinely good. And as I looked back over my first writings, I realized another thing too: that I had gotten better. That my works had gone from a slipshod, unbalanced affair to a generarrly more organized shipshod affair.
So I am not making this thread to be unique in having *3* threads about my work, or for vanity, or anything like that. I am making it so that you, the reader, will look at my works, and will hopefully tell me how to get better.
It could've so easily rhymed! Why didn't you make it rhyyyyyyyyyyyme!!!!! I really did like it though, your imagery skills are awesome as ever. If you want me to I'll go further in description. But only if you ask..
It could've so easily rhymed! Why didn't you make it rhyyyyyyyyyyyme!!!!!
I don't really like having to write rhymes. I always feel chained to the structure, whereas with freeverse, I'm free to describe and write more how I feel, and I can be more spontaneous.
And further critiques are always appreciated. You don't have to ask me for permission; regardless of what you say, it can only be helpful. I'd much rather be slammed and then improove my works than be told I'm good when I'm really not.
Sunlight... Opens up my eyes... But not for the first time, I find my self trapped In a cage of lies.
Those who decieved us, Who spoke from books of knowledge, Led us to our graves, Oh! I cry...
Asking: 'What could now save us?' Pull us out of the fire That envelopes our bodies? Hold our souls and then never Let go?'
Westward facing I lie now, Never to breathe the sweet air. Only now do I know That we were all wrong!
As the stars say their prayers, And the whole Earth adores Him, Darkness flees in His prescense, And inside my tomb, I face... West.
Darkness... Closes up my eyes... And now for the first time, I see the truth that I have been missing. __________ I wrote this for the 10 Day Poetry Contest, and the theme was 'Directions'. The first thing I thought of was 'West', which is the direction typically associated with death and the afterlife. So while the overlying theme is 'West' and 'the afterlife', theres an underlying theme about choosing the right or wrong paths, and the consequences that await.
Oh! I cry. ^ That was... awkward. It just didn't fit with the rest of the flow, which if you were trying to match the title of your thread it was perfect!
I aggree. Though I need a line to lead to the next stanza, which is a person "speaking". Instead of 'Oh! I cry...', I wanted to but something along the lines of 'Blindly we followed them', but then it would appear as if they were speaking their stanza while following, which wouldn't have made sense given the content.
I'll think about editing it, if I can think of something better. For now though, it stands.
Plunk!
I have to disaggree with your thoughts on this one. Many traditional haiku's, like those by Buson, have onomatopoeis in them quite often. My haiku's are lacking in onomatopoeis I have found, so I wrote one about a frog leaping into a pond. What sound does it make? Plunk! (In the traditional Japanese, the literal translation of this would have been 'sound of water' or something along those lines).
I know, but, normally your haikus are just so graceful and flowing, adding a Plunk, well, it isn't reall your type style. But it's understandable if you are trying something new.
If the Plunk! disturbs the flow, than I made my point. Everything is peaceful, nice, blah blah blah... A frog jumping into the pond disturbs the peace and quiet.
Sunlight... Opens up my eyes... But not for the first time, I find my self trapped In a cage of lies.
Those who decieved us, Who spoke from books of knowledge, Led us to our graves, Oh! Now I cry for you...
Asking: 'What could now save us? Pull us out of the fire That envelopes our bodies? Hold our souls and Never let go?'
Westward facing I lie now, Never to breathe the sweet air. Only now do I know That we were all wrong!
As the stars say their prayers, And the whole Earth adores Him, Darkness flees in His prescense, And inside my tomb, I face West...
Darkness... Closes up my eyes... And now for the first time, I see the truth that I have been missing. __________ This is the second, edited version.
I wrote this for the 10 Day Poetry Contest, and the theme was 'Directions'. The first thing I thought of was 'West', which is the direction typically associated with death and the afterlife. So while the overlying theme is 'West' and 'the afterlife', theres an underlying theme about choosing the right or wrong paths, and the consequences that await.
Robots; Efficiency is what we strive for. It is what we die for. Sometimes... We just need a breath of fresh air. Return some life into these cold hands... Try and make it so we never feel the same!
What can I do when all I see, All I see is you walking away Right out of my life?
What can I do when all I see, Is my front door making fun of me? What Can I do? When all I see is you.
Shadows; Creeping up my pale walls. Blacking out my mem'ries. Right now... My heart is just so broken. Without your love I'll just unwind... And now I'll never be the same!
What can I do when all I see, All I see are your grey eyes Staring right past me?
What can I do when all I see, Are your tail lights running 'way from me? What can I do? When all I see is you?
What can I do when all I see, All I see is you turning away Without a backwards glance?
What can I do when all I see, Is you never coming back to me? What can I do? When all I see is you? __________ "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your hear will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
- C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves
*I know it seems bad, but remember, its lyrics. I wrote it to a tune I was humming, and it sounds fine with that tune.
