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MrGame10
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MrGame10
21 posts
Nomad

[upbeat rhythm]

L then O then an R and a D
The Father is almighty and so is he!

S-A-V-I-O-U-R
Just ask for forgiveness,it isn't hard!

Dear Heavenly Father I know that I have sinned,
But please just take all that,and toss it in the garbage bin

looking for another couplet,any suggestions?

  • 11 Replies
Efan
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Efan
3,086 posts
Nomad

any suggestions?

Well "sinned" and "bin" don't rhyme, but you can use binned. But you'd have to change that whole line to fit it in. Or you could change "sinned" to sin?
Ghgt99
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Ghgt99
1,890 posts
Nomad

You could I know that I have sin but please take all that and toss it in the garbage bin

Efan
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Efan
3,086 posts
Nomad

I can see him getting rich off of this.

I sincerely doubt it. To be honest, most kids aren't swayed by the "god is cool and awesome!" crap anymore. But we can always help out fellow writers
MrGame10
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MrGame10
21 posts
Nomad

I'm sorry you didn't like it and feel that God doesn't exist "...but as for me and my house,we will serve the Lord"

waluigi
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waluigi
1,946 posts
Shepherd

Slayguy, if your going to complain about this, please provide what he should change so it can be somewhat helpful.
Anyway, I like it MrGame. I just think that of what you've written so far, the last line of the 3rd couplet is too long. It just doesn't quite flow there.

Avorne
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Avorne
3,085 posts
Nomad

L then O then an R and a D
Our Lord God lives in you and me

M-E-S-S-I-A-H
When he comes back to Earth, y'know He'll save ya

Dear Heavenly Father I know that I may sin
But please just take all that,and toss it in the garbage bin

J-E-S-U-S
Through our belief in God, Jesus saves us



And that is why I should never be left alone to write Christian songs...

Cenere
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Cenere
13,657 posts
Jester

M-E-S-S-I-A-H
When he comes back to Earth, y'know He'll save ya

Wouldn't it be "Mes-si-ah" to rhythm with "ya"?
Avorne
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Avorne
3,085 posts
Nomad

Oh, good point Cen, blame that on the lack of sleep - thanks for correcting that.

thecattygrl
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thecattygrl
230 posts
Nomad

wow... I'm impressed.

That's all I can say to express how blown away I am.

I'm impressed.

Strop
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Strop
10,816 posts
Bard

that 'garbage bin' line is hilarious. while loosely correct, i'm not entirely sure it's painting quite the right tone to learn about the scriptures LOL

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