Hey guys! So, I'm writing a story, and I was wondering if it would actually appeal to anyone. Here's the basic summary: Characters: Jenny Williams Axel Mahoney Xenia Jentas Axx Nemere
Story: Basically, Jenny and Axel are best friends, and they have the same dream: They're stranded on an island, but it's not actually them. (It's confusing.) Then, the people that they became in the dream end up coming to life. There's some drama between the four of them, and there are a lot of strange twists.
Would you like that kind of story? And also, if you want, I could post some of it. Thanks!
Here's the beginning: It's been two and a half years since I've been stuck on this island. I've decided to name it Axx Island, after my best friend. My name is Xenia. I'm 12. When I was 9, my parents told me we were going somewhere. They died, along with Axx, when the plane crashed. I was the only survivor.
I never found out where we were going, but I think it has something to do with my powers. I can read minds. I found out when the plane crashed. I heard my parents voices, saying "Where's Xenia?" and stuff like that. But when I looked at them, they're mouths weren't moving. I got so mad at the pilot once they died. Of course, it didn't really matter, because he was already dead.
Then, two and a half years later, things changed. I was just sitting around, missing everyone when I heard someone's thoughts. I heard, "I wonder if anyone else is here..." I looked around, but I didn't see anyone.
Then, I heard screaming. Happy screaming. I was pretty sure it wasn't their thoughts. I looked around again, and I saw Axx. I screamed too. I ran up to to him and hugged him. "I thought you were dead!" I said, "Where have you been?" "Well," he said, "I'm not really sure. I just woke up."
"Oh," I said, "Where were we going, anyway? Before the plane crashed." "Hawaii," he said. "Really?" I asked, "I thought it had something to do with my powers." "You have powers?" he asked, "Me too! I can teleport and run really fast." "I can read minds," I said. "Cool!" he said.
"Wait," I said. "If you can teleport, why are you still here?" I asked. "I wanted to see if anyone else was here." "Well I'm glad you did," I said.
Part two:
"Do you wanna go home?" he asked. "Yes!" I said. "Okay. I hope nothing bad happens when I teleport," he said. "Wait... what?" I asked. I saw a flash of light.
When I woke up, I was on the ground. "Oops," Axx said, "I guess it doesn't really work out that well with two people." "REALLY?!" I said. "WELL SORRY FOR LIVING," he said, laughing. "Hey," I said, "Do you know where our luggage is?" "Of course," he said. ".........Well?" I said. "Well what?" he asked. "CAN YOU GET OUR LUGGAGE?" I asked. "Sure," he said. He disappeared. A few minutes later, he came back. "I got our luggage..." he said, "kinda." It was all burnt. "Hey, what's on your neck?" I asked. "Huh?" he said. "Look," I said, pointing to a mirror. When he walked over to it, it looked like he was about to pass out. "Oh my gosh..." I said, "I don't think we were the only ones on that island..."
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Fixed the annoying symbols and also a few of the spelling and grammar errors.
Also, now that I can finally read it, here are my thoughts.
I really like the idea of the story, but you should go more into detail of where the island is, their surroundings, and how they managed to get foods, and Xentas' mind reading ability will help, while Axx stalks the prey until Xentas gives him a signal to attack.
And, immediately how the he know someone else was on the island? They should have been having similar dreams before this had happened, and then this gave them acknowledgement that other people were on the island.
But, other than that, it's really good, it just needs more detail.
Ok, I'm changing the story around. No vampires, and Axx doesn't have powers. In the dream, the don't get off the island. I'll post it once I finish if you want.
I agree with Ghost. I could probably get into it if you added a bit more description. Also, a bit more of a background story would be nice. Another thing I want to point out, when there is dialogue in your story, it would be easier to read if you put a new paragraph after each person is done talking. EX: ..."I guess it doesn't really work out that well with two people." "REALLY?!" I said. "WELL SORRY FOR LIVING," he said, laughing. --- Other than that. It seems good.
Yep, again with the dialog. Are you going to redo the for the first two parts, or is this whole dream thing going to end soon and then he doesn't have powers? Also, I'm confused about the mirror part. Was the mirror the thing on her neck, or was there just a random mirror, or is it being suspenseful and not saying what's on their neck and the mirror was in her luggage? For everything, add more detail. Your concept is great, but as said before, it goes directly to the point, with nothing else.
I didn't even know they were in a house! DETAIL! When they said it didn't work too well, I thought they hadn't gone anywhere. You definitely need to work on drawing things out and explaining things better. This is much to brief. I think you should have had them spen more time on the island.
