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TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

I decided I'd try and post some of my poems on here, since I liked the first line poem thread so much. I would really like some advice on how to improve. Thanks!

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TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

Then I'm not responding, because Crazy is not my name.

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

I think I'll make a haiku. Or perhaps a set, depending on my mood.

Waiting

I'm waiting here still,
Breathing in the icy air
Waiting all alone.

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

Thanks, jeol! What do you think of the anger one?

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

Waiting

It's snowing, all white
I can see my breath, frosted,
The people walking.

I'm waiting here still,
Breathing in the icy air
Waiting all alone.

The bench is like ice,
Chilled under my fingertips,
And the snow still falls.

The snow coats my hair,
Like puffs of powdery clouds...
It's getting so dark.

I'll sit forever,
An unmoving silhouette
Frozen on a bench.

Waiting for you.

SupaLegit
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SupaLegit
644 posts
Nomad

It's like a series of haikus

It is, excluding

Waiting for you.


I think it would have been great to turn that line into Haiku form, making that the last line.
TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

How about this?

I'll watch time pass by,
The years and months stretch too long,
Waiting, still, for you.

SupaLegit
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SupaLegit
644 posts
Nomad

Didn't like the wording in the middle line... How about:

I'll watch time pass on,
The years and months stretching by;
Waiting, still, for you.

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

Ah...that does sound better. :P
And that is why you are more awesome than me.
Thanks, Supa!

SupaLegit
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SupaLegit
644 posts
Nomad

No problem, I just ask I can use those lines I made in a future poem sometime ^^
Oh and thanks much for the compliment, much appreciated hehe!

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

Nice. I wrote a poem. It's totally mine.

IT'S FRIDAY, FRIDAY, GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY....
SOMETHINGSOMETHINGSOMETHING
WE WE WE SO EXCITED...WE SO EXCITE...

Sorry. Couldn't resist.

I'm working on yet another haiku. Maybe I'll even use the haiku for what it's intended for, to write about nature.

ManiacalMind
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ManiacalMind
176 posts
Nomad

WE WE WE SO EXCITED...WE SO EXCITE...


You must have closed the song before she finished the word?

___

Can't wait to see a haiku though, good luck.
TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

This might be the worst poem I have ever written DX
I was in a seasonal mood though, and this is my thread so I post what I want. Also, it's FRIDAY, FRIDAY. >

Season's Anger

Winter's harshest winds
Cut through the trees like sharp glass
Blinding us with snow

Spring melts frozen earth,
Casting torrents of water
That hurtle downhill

Then Summer, shining
Sweltering warmth, blazing hot,
Smiting those outside.

Fall will probably show up later.

ManiacalMind
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ManiacalMind
176 posts
Nomad

That was pretty good, pretty sharp flow to it.
That last line was just lol, just lol.

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

Why thank you.
Did you read some of my older ones? (I try to get feedback from everyone.)

LazyOne
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LazyOne
166 posts
Nomad

You have a great lexicon.
The poems may not be my style, still congratulations on not repeating the same thing over and over again [As do most poets on AG.]

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