Forums → The Tavern → Funny Jokes?

Did you hear the one about the deaf man?
neither did he...

An optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds.
A pessimist fears that this is so.

They say that ignorance is bliss, but I wouldn't know.

My GF broke up with me. She said it was because I didn't understand relationships at all.

I'm glad to know we're okay.

...

My GF broke up with me because said I treated her like a child.

I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.

...

I told my GF I wanted to kill her. She said I needed professional help.

So I hired a hitman.

...

My GF says I never listen to her, or something like that.

Most of mine are yo momma's because they're so easy to make up.
Well anyways, I can't think of any now :P

Lmao those are good ones!! Here's another,

Before Marriage

John-ah at last. I can hardly wait
Jane --Do you want me to leave?
john --No don't even think about it
Jane ---do you love me ?
john-- of course Always have and always will
Jane --have you ever cheated on me /
john--NO why are you even asking ?
Jane --will you kiss me ?
john-- every chance I GET
Jane --will you hit me
john---hell no , are you crazy ?
Jane ---- can I trust you
John --yes
Jane Darling

After marriage = Read Backwards.

A friend sent me this one. He said it was from a book he read, so I don't own this, just passing it around.

There were, according to the story, three distinguished theologians - a Catholic cardinal, an Protestant bishop
and a famous television evangelist - standing at the Pearly Gates waiting to get into heaven. St. Peter was
checking their credentials when a stubby fellow wearing an old pair of jeans, a t-shirt emblazoned "10-4 Good
Buddy" and a baseball cap sashayed up to the gate.
"Hi Pete," he said to the saint, waving a can of Stroh's. "How in the other place are ya?"
"Well hello, hello, Harvey," said St. Peter smiling broadly. "Come right in."
Excusing himself to the three religious figures, St. Peter took the newcomer by the arm and chatting away
warmly, led him down the Golden Street. About half an hour later, having seen Harvey properly settled in, the
saint returned.
By this time, the ministerial trio who had been cooling their heels impatiently outside the gate were fit to
be tied. Speaking for his colleagues, the cardinal braced St. Peter.
"Sir," said the cardinal, "we don't want to seem immodest and we know that in heaven all souls are equal.
But why in the name of all that's holy did that fellow get preferential treatment over three faithful servants of
the Lord such as we were?"
"Well," explained the saint patiently, "I"ll tell you. Down on earth, Harvey was a truck driver. For 20 years,
he drove a huge tractor-trailer rig on the West Virginia Turnpike. He wove in and out of traffic. He tailgated. He
never went below 70 miles an hour. Gentlemen, in those 20 years Harvey scared hell out of more people than
you three put together."

10-4 that!